Mad at sister-in-law & husband

helen e
helen e Member Posts: 223
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
This is kind of a rant and will probably be long so don't say you weren't warned!! I had a mast w/immediate tram flap recon. in Dec. have been home recovering since - start back to work 3/1. No chemo or rads, just Tamoxifen. My husband lost his mom 3 weeks before my b/c diagnosis and lost his job (which we knew would happen) a week before my surgery in Dec. Since I have been able to get up and around he has been sulking. These past 3 weeks he "developed" a bad back (yes he did have problems in the past). I say developed because he didn't do anything to bring on the pain. I have been taking care of him since. He asks me to pick things up for him, call in his prescriptions, call Dr. etc. I even had to set up his pt because he was in too much pain and I waited 2 days for him to call but he never did. Yesterday he told me that he would just have surgery on it. What? I told him that they did an xray and found nothing what were they going to operate on? He hollared back at me. I am tired of taking care of him since my diagnosis and feeling guilty because I was diagnosed while he was in morning. I can't tell you how many times that he has said that because of my b/c he hasn't been able to mourn (not in those exact words). Two days ago I spoke with his twin sister (we used to be close) and told her that maybe this has all been good for him, him being off work. I MEANT that it gave him time to mourn and get himself back together - he is seriously depressed. Yesterday they went out for coffee and when they got back she had the nerve to tell me that I am lucky that I am like their mother who had a tumor in her colon and no abnormal cells around it, that I'm healthy and can go back to living a normal life with no health concerns!! Hello I am just starting to process this emotionally.

I was in the tub the other night and was looking at my stomach and belly button scars and thinking at how nice they were healing and then I caught sight of my new breast. I felt like I had been hit with a ton of bricks. I do not like looking at my new breast and want to have it removed. It is beautifully reconstructed and I was thrilled when I got out of surgery. I just hate it now! I hate what it represents and why it is like it is. I hate that everytime I look at it I am reminded of cancer. I have a blood clot in my leg and have been taken off of my depression meds and I'm sure that's part of it. I know that in a year or two I will be better but it's going to be a long haul to get there. Lots of emotions that I should have gone through when I first found out but just put getting rid of cancer ahead of everything else. Now it's gone I guess it's time to start feeling again. Good thing I have great sisters and brothers!!! And kids too. Thanks everyone for letting me rant, sorry about the length.


  • marilyndbk
    marilyndbk Member Posts: 238 Member
    I am so sorry you are
    I am so sorry you are feeling this way today. I have bad days when I have many of the same feelings. I have faith that God has a good plan for our lives and will give us the strength to get through. This disease takes a toll on our bodies and our minds. I don't have the support of my husband, but I have 3 great grown kids, 4 awesome grandchildren that give me the courage to go on each day and supportive sisters and friends I can call on anytime I need them. The Zoloft, Ambien, and Xanax help as well. Take good care of yourself. Marilyn
  • LadyParvati
    LadyParvati Member Posts: 328
    I think many people do not
    I think many people do not understand that someone who has been diagnosed with cancer can NEVER go "back to living a normal life with no health concerns". It just isn't possible! We can develop a "new" normal, though, but some degree of fear or worry always exists. Others who have not been through what we have been through simply do not understand, and perhaps they CANNOT understand.

    It can be so incredibly difficult to live with someone who is depressed! Some people who are depressed blame their significant others for their depression or for elements of it, while others blame themselves for everything that goes wrong in their lives. As the wife of a man who also suffers from depression, I know first-hand just what a challenge it can be to holding one's sanity together--much less the marriage! It can be entirely too easy to get into a vicious cycle of verbal hits at each other: "it's your fault I haven't been able to grieve for my mother!" "Well, it's your fault I haven't been able to grieve about having breast cancer; I've been too busy taking care of you when I needed you to take care of me!" and back and forth it goes . . . not productive, not supportive for either of you, just dragging you both deeper and deeper into the morass. Even if some of our unhappy, critical thoughts never get said out loud, they are still there inside of us, dragging us down. My heart goes out to you, Helen--you are in a really tough situation.

    I've found a couple of books to be pretty helpful for helping me learn to talk with my DH in ways that are less destructive and more productive for our marriage as well as for me:

    "Depression Fallout" by Anne Sheffield
    "Talking to Depression" by Claudia J. Strauss

    I hope you find them or something helpful, too--even if it's just venting here! At least here, none of us will tell you how thankful you should be or how lucky you are for having cancer!!!

    Lots of hugs--hang in there! Sandy
  • roseann4
    roseann4 Member Posts: 992 Member
    I've decided
    Hi Helen,
    I've decided that the good thing about my cancer diagnosis was that I found out who my friends were. Many of us with bc have family and friends who have taken advantage of us. It is time to take a stand for your own needs. Some will be angry and some will reject you but you will survive. Someone gave me good advise. She said you won't find the right friends while you are hanging onto the wrong ones. Stay true to you. Your problem with your new breast may actually be the transference of your anger with your family. Please don't reject your body (the new and the old). It wants to heal and serve you. Get rid of stand up to the toxic people in your life.

  • jbug
    jbug Member Posts: 285
    Helen, I'm sorry you are
    Helen, I'm sorry you are feeling so low and still having such huge issues w/your husband. I know we hoped that he would snap out of his mood and give you the love and support you need. Sending cyber (((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))) and much love.

    God Bless....
  • New Flower
    New Flower Member Posts: 4,294
    Helen sorry
    I will be brief and positive. I understand how your feeling about surgery because sometimes they are similar to mine. Abdominal area looks fine, however it is still a reconstructed breast. They are your tissue, so you need to love them. When I am wearing a good bra everything looks good. My advice do not save money on bras shop for a good one. Remember you did mastectomy for your children and yourself. Please be gentle, do not compromise your abdominal area, there is a reason why they give 8 wks off work!
    For the back pain have your husband tried acupuncture and osteopathic doctor? I hope in your area you can find specialist who can help to avoid surgery. My husband had a severe back pain several weeks ago. It took him 4 session with Korean specialist to get back to normalAs a couple you probably need counseling. Maybe your husband needs antidepressants instead of you.

    My husband got into serious car accident 3 days after I was discharged from the DIEP Flap surgery. For a moment I felt like God left me. But I was reminded by my sister that I need to be thankful that he survived (car was complete loss) and my cancer is treatable and caught on time (StageIII). What I am trying to say that we can look at The facts from different perspective, like glass half empty or half full.
    New Flower
  • aztec45
    aztec45 Member Posts: 757
    I Don't Know
    I don't know why but it seems that when it rains;it pours. NewFlower said it best, it is like God left me. I was sick with BC, work was demanding, my family was not very supportive, and mom got very sick and was in intensive care. I was trying to hold it together but I have to admit; I was so close to a total breakdown. I constantly prayed for strength to keep everything together. It was a long haul, like you say, but eventually, the dark cloud gradually lifted. Mom got better. My brother helped with errands with his wife's permission (sore subject) and I went forward with my treatment. Things are not perfect but we are moving forward. I still have to push but I have more strength and that didn't just happen.

    Take care of yourself.

  • meena1
    meena1 Member Posts: 1,003
    jbug said:

    Helen, I'm sorry you are
    Helen, I'm sorry you are feeling so low and still having such huge issues w/your husband. I know we hoped that he would snap out of his mood and give you the love and support you need. Sending cyber (((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))) and much love.

    God Bless....

    It is sad to think of all
    It is sad to think of all you have been through, but your story has a familiar ring to it. Your husband may be clinically depressed, but i believe he is being a big baby. Before you were diagnosed, did you used to wait on him and do everything. If the answer is yes, then he just expects you to do the same. No one can understand what it is like to have a cancer diagnosis, that is why we all come here. My closeknit family deserted me, they thought their problems were worse than me. I hope you can find some peace and take care of yourself first. Take care
  • sbmly53
    sbmly53 Member Posts: 1,522
    Helen, I am so sorry that
    Helen, I am so sorry that you are going through so much. When we were kids we could just yell "Not fair!" aand that would somehow help. As adults, not so much. In my family, my father always "came down" with something when my mother got sick. And, of course, he acted like a baby and needed all kinds of help, care, sympathy, etc. Dad was eventually diagnosed as having bipolar disorder.

    Has your husband always been like this? Or is it the compounded stress of loss of mother, job and your bc? In any case, he is most likely suffering from depression and that should be addressed. Good luck in getting him to admit that, or seek help.

    Keep venting, we're here to listen and hopefully help.