Boyfriend with cancer shutting me out

jenn7b

I'm at a complete loss for what to do. My boyfriend of two months informed me a few weeks ago that they found a spot near his brain stem. He's had cancer...testicular and then into his kidneys. I knew his history and I was concerned but we really feel like we've found our partner in life. I am 34, he is 39. So he had some scans and bloodwork recently and he told me he was calling to find out what the results were. After he called them, he told me he had to go to the oncologist. It took him 3 days to finally tell me over text that he had to start chemo this week for two weeks. He told me he didn't think this was fair to me and that I deserve better. I've told him over and over that I want to be there for him, that I love him and I can't just go back in time and pretend like we never met. I have no idea what the doctors told him, other than he needed to start chemo. I have no idea what the prognosis is, or if it was just that one spot or if it has spread...I am completely in the dark. He will not contact me back. He told me he needs time. I understand that...I really do, but I am sitting here in the dark. I know it's not about me, and I feel selfish for wanting to hear from him, but the only thing I want is to be there for him. I'm trying to respect his space. It's hard.

Barbara53

best guess
Best guess: he's been there before and it's not pretty, and he doesn't want you to martyr yourself to his cancer. He thinks you deserve better. Respect that. Those of us who care for loved ones with cancer get our hearts broken every day when we respect their wishes over ours. I know you're hurting, but it's because he is a man of honor.

grandmafay

All I can suggest is that
All I can suggest is that you give him time. He may decide to let you back into his life, but he may not. My husband of 42 years kept apologizing for putting me through his cancer. Those who care about us, don't like to see us hurt any more than we like to see them hurting. He's dealing with some difficult feelings. Just let him know you are there if he wants you to be. Then let him take it from there.

geotina

Space
Give the man his space. He has had cancer before and knows what he is in for. You have only been dating for 2 months and with all he has on his plate, he may not have time to pursue the relationship at this point in time. Caregiving is much more than hugs and kisses. Let all this new information and chemotherapy he has had to deal with sink in for a while. Send him a card once a week or so. Send him an occasional text, let him know that you are there for anything he may need but let him make the next move. Before my husband had cancer, to be truthful, I had no idea what it was like, the doctor appointments, scans, tests, surgery, chemo. He is dealing with a lot and it can be overwhelming until things settle down and a treatment plan gets going. Take care - Tina

Hondo

Hi Jenn

Sounds like some good advice here, when I was told that I had Cancer I would have done anything to spare my wife from having to deal with me going through this. I know it is hard but give him some time just let him know that you are still there.