Have a surgery date - emotional breakdown

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NellieB853
NellieB853 Member Posts: 7
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
Hi All,
The surgeons office called with my surgery date today. I will be having double mastectomy with immediate reconstruction with saline implants on Feb 16. I posted on here before about my lack of emotions other than being numb and dazed. That all changed today when I got the date. Guess it didn't seem real until now. Everything seemed to come out at once - fear, sadness, helplessness and a big bout of anger. I'm having a real pity party today. I got the call at work and had to leave my desk and go for a walk so I didn't cry in front of the whole office. My wonderful doctor had given me some xanax - I didn't want to use it before but today I did. Feeling a little more calm now. Thank you all for letting me vent here - I don't want to go crazy on my family as they are already stressed and worried. Tomorrow will be a better day and I'll try to look at it as being one step closer to having my life back.
Hope you are all well and thanks again for lettig me vent.
Nell
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Comments

  • jbug
    jbug Member Posts: 285
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    Rollercoaster!
    Know that it is ok to cry and scream and be angry. What is happening is not fair and we are changed women. This is a great site for sharing too!

    God Bless...
    Julie
  • Different Ballgame
    Different Ballgame Member Posts: 868
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    VENT ALL YOU WANT
    Dear Nell,

    This a good place to vent so vent all you want. We truly understand what you are feeling.

    Life has taught me to be honest with my emotions. So the advise I am giving you is to be honest with your emotions when speaking to your family or anyone else. Show them your true face. Don't worry about the stress placed on your family. You are more important. You are human. Let your family see it.

    Lots of Hugs and Lots of Love,
    Janelle
  • Kat11
    Kat11 Member Posts: 1,931 Member
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    VENT ALL YOU WANT
    Dear Nell,

    This a good place to vent so vent all you want. We truly understand what you are feeling.

    Life has taught me to be honest with my emotions. So the advise I am giving you is to be honest with your emotions when speaking to your family or anyone else. Show them your true face. Don't worry about the stress placed on your family. You are more important. You are human. Let your family see it.

    Lots of Hugs and Lots of Love,
    Janelle

    Pity Party
    We have all been there. Your going to have party's like this from time to time. It's ok, thats what we are here for along with Xanax. Just take it a day at a time and you will come through this just fine. Hugs
  • cindycflynn
    cindycflynn Member Posts: 1,132 Member
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    Dear Nell
    Vent all you want - this is far from easy!

    It's probably good that you had that emotional release. I was just reading your first post where you said you just felt sort of numb. I think that allowing yourself to let your feelings come is very healthy for you, even though I'm sure that having it come upon you at work wasn't the best timing.

    I know what you mean about trying to keep yourself together in front of your family. My Mom is a worrier, and I try to emphasize the positive when I talk to her to keep her from worrying too much (she's in Oregon and I'm in California, so she already feels helpless as it is). Last week she called and spoke to my hubby who, bless his heart, told her how tired I'd been since starting chemo and got her all worried again. If you have family close by and don't want to worry them, at least give them something to do to help you, whether it's keeping you company, going shopping with you, or helping more directly with making you meals or helping around the house. Don't be shy about asking - it will make them feel better to be able to help you.

    I think a couple of other ladies are having surgery on the same day that you are, so you'll be in good company, and the rest of us will be rooting you on and holding your hand as you go through this journey.

    Take good care of yourself,
    Cindy
  • dyaneb123
    dyaneb123 Member Posts: 950
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    Kat11 said:

    Pity Party
    We have all been there. Your going to have party's like this from time to time. It's ok, thats what we are here for along with Xanax. Just take it a day at a time and you will come through this just fine. Hugs

    You know Nellie, My Onc.
    You know Nellie, My Onc. told me that once they have cut the tumor from your body, as far as the doctors are concerned that makes you cancer free. That's the way I like to think of the surgery.How fortunate we are that they can remove our cancers. I know you're not feeling fortunate now. It's all still too overwhelming and terrifying. But thousands of us have been where you are now and we are all out living our lives as normally as possible, with work, and family and friends and joy and laughter.You will too. So hang in there.
    It really will be ok.
  • Marlene_K
    Marlene_K Member Posts: 508
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    Very well said, Cindy!
    I don't think many of us could say it any better than Cindy... at least I know I can't! I know I have tried to stay strong & upbeat through all of this but there are days that we feel overwhelmed with what has been bestowed upon us without permission and with such abruptness. One day we're well and thinking about our future with joy, and the next we're smacked in the face with immortality. But it can happen to anyone and there is a whole lot worse! I was extremely nervous about surgery and losing my breast. I didn't have immediate reconstruction so the loss seemed devastating. I dreaded having to look down and see nothing there, but I must say that when I woke up from surgery, and looked down (of course only to see a big giant gauze wrapped around me, I never felt more relieved during this entire journey than at that moment. The cancer was GONE! It was out of me and that showered me with such relief. At that very moment you are considered a survivor. The cancer is gone and your are alive!

    There are several times throughout this journey that each & every one of us lose it. The Xanex brings us down from the anxiety that can at times be overpowering. There's nothing wrong with doing what we have to in order to get past it.

    Hoping you have a better and more positive tomorrow! Keep in your mind that as of February 16th you will be a survivor!

    Hugs ~ Mar
  • Kylez
    Kylez Member Posts: 3,761 Member
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    Marlene_K said:

    Very well said, Cindy!
    I don't think many of us could say it any better than Cindy... at least I know I can't! I know I have tried to stay strong & upbeat through all of this but there are days that we feel overwhelmed with what has been bestowed upon us without permission and with such abruptness. One day we're well and thinking about our future with joy, and the next we're smacked in the face with immortality. But it can happen to anyone and there is a whole lot worse! I was extremely nervous about surgery and losing my breast. I didn't have immediate reconstruction so the loss seemed devastating. I dreaded having to look down and see nothing there, but I must say that when I woke up from surgery, and looked down (of course only to see a big giant gauze wrapped around me, I never felt more relieved during this entire journey than at that moment. The cancer was GONE! It was out of me and that showered me with such relief. At that very moment you are considered a survivor. The cancer is gone and your are alive!

    There are several times throughout this journey that each & every one of us lose it. The Xanex brings us down from the anxiety that can at times be overpowering. There's nothing wrong with doing what we have to in order to get past it.

    Hoping you have a better and more positive tomorrow! Keep in your mind that as of February 16th you will be a survivor!

    Hugs ~ Mar

    Sending you positive
    Sending you positive thoughts and prayers!

    KYLEZ ♥
  • NellieB853
    NellieB853 Member Posts: 7
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    Thank You All
    Thank you so much for your replies. They really did help me feel better. I had not thought about the idea that I will be a survivor when the surgery is done. It is so good to find a place to come where people know what you are going through.
    Hugs and be well.
    Nell
  • GrandmaJ
    GrandmaJ Member Posts: 209
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    Marlene_K said:

    Very well said, Cindy!
    I don't think many of us could say it any better than Cindy... at least I know I can't! I know I have tried to stay strong & upbeat through all of this but there are days that we feel overwhelmed with what has been bestowed upon us without permission and with such abruptness. One day we're well and thinking about our future with joy, and the next we're smacked in the face with immortality. But it can happen to anyone and there is a whole lot worse! I was extremely nervous about surgery and losing my breast. I didn't have immediate reconstruction so the loss seemed devastating. I dreaded having to look down and see nothing there, but I must say that when I woke up from surgery, and looked down (of course only to see a big giant gauze wrapped around me, I never felt more relieved during this entire journey than at that moment. The cancer was GONE! It was out of me and that showered me with such relief. At that very moment you are considered a survivor. The cancer is gone and your are alive!

    There are several times throughout this journey that each & every one of us lose it. The Xanex brings us down from the anxiety that can at times be overpowering. There's nothing wrong with doing what we have to in order to get past it.

    Hoping you have a better and more positive tomorrow! Keep in your mind that as of February 16th you will be a survivor!

    Hugs ~ Mar

    Mar
    Loved what you said...about trying to be upbeat and strong.

    You know our friends and family try to understand, but they just can't and you gals have given me so much insight into what we are going through. You're all wonderful.

    Judy
  • ppurdin
    ppurdin Member Posts: 1,181 Member
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    Cry when you need to.
    I know how hard it is to hold it together in front of family and friends.Their will be times you can,t.Seeing the fear and worry on my kids face was the hardest for me.hang in their you will get through it.Don,t be two hard on your self You are going through a lot.My thoughts and Prayers are with you. Pat.
  • hamish1
    hamish1 Member Posts: 34
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    I so well understand your feelings !
    Nellie, I can so relate to what you're going through, and I am praying for you.. I was just the opposite. I stayed so calm during the diagnosis and surgery last Nov. I was beginning to wonder if I was normal, because I had accepted it so well..Even made it through the Pet Scan, (with good results) etc. I still remained calm.. BUT!!! when I went back to the Cancer Center to talk with the Oncologist in charge of Chemo, when he told me I needed to take 4 chemo treatments, and radiation treatments after I finish with this, I fell apart.... I too am on a nerve pill for the first time in my life.Ativan....I've had 2 chemo treatments so far , and basically I have done great! I just keep telling myself this is my Insurance Policy, to make sure that MONSTER doesn't come back. I just want to get well, so I'm concentrating on that, and PRAYING alot. I still have my days,but I'm doing much better, snd so will you.. God Bless You, and have a wonderful day!
  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159
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    Though there is nothing
    Though there is nothing normal or natural abut The Beast~ everything about your reactions is (sigh) typical! It is hard to compartmentalize things...being afraid and angry coupled with relief that the cancer will soon be excised, coupled the unspoken "why me", to future plans totally unrelated to cancer! It's all in there and more, running the gamut of emotions you didn't even know you had!!!

    As women, we are usually the nurturers~ we know what to do what Someone Else needs help! We organize the carpools, we spearhead the casserole deliveries, we clean houses, babysit kids,we do whatever it takes to make Someone Else's Life easier! When the shoe is on the other foot, it is one of the hardest things we have to conme to terms with~ that WE need the help! And when that person asks "Is there anything I can do?" and you need something mundane like the trash taken to the curb because you will be at chemo that day ( or whatever!) don't say "thank you"~ tell them you need the trash taken to the curb! Generosity and a giving heart is oftentimes all anyone can offer us, do not take away their joy of giving! Both of you will benefit!

    The pity party you are hosting? Oh sweetie~ we have all been there! We have a lovely Tiara we wear when it's our turn, and when you are finished with your reign, please pass it to the next person! This is such a safe place to have the party...we bond because we really "get it". Feel free to vent anytime you need or want to!

    Hugs,
    Chen♥
  • Ritzy
    Ritzy Member Posts: 4,381 Member
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    chenheart said:

    Though there is nothing
    Though there is nothing normal or natural abut The Beast~ everything about your reactions is (sigh) typical! It is hard to compartmentalize things...being afraid and angry coupled with relief that the cancer will soon be excised, coupled the unspoken "why me", to future plans totally unrelated to cancer! It's all in there and more, running the gamut of emotions you didn't even know you had!!!

    As women, we are usually the nurturers~ we know what to do what Someone Else needs help! We organize the carpools, we spearhead the casserole deliveries, we clean houses, babysit kids,we do whatever it takes to make Someone Else's Life easier! When the shoe is on the other foot, it is one of the hardest things we have to conme to terms with~ that WE need the help! And when that person asks "Is there anything I can do?" and you need something mundane like the trash taken to the curb because you will be at chemo that day ( or whatever!) don't say "thank you"~ tell them you need the trash taken to the curb! Generosity and a giving heart is oftentimes all anyone can offer us, do not take away their joy of giving! Both of you will benefit!

    The pity party you are hosting? Oh sweetie~ we have all been there! We have a lovely Tiara we wear when it's our turn, and when you are finished with your reign, please pass it to the next person! This is such a safe place to have the party...we bond because we really "get it". Feel free to vent anytime you need or want to!

    Hugs,
    Chen♥

    Vent whenever you feel like
    Vent whenever you feel like it! That is part of the beauty of this board. We all get it and will help you!

    Sue :)
  • aztec45
    aztec45 Member Posts: 757
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    There is Nothing
    There is nothing to appologize for. Your feelings are never wrong. And there is nothing I can say that hasn't already be said. Chen (you crack me up) is so right. We all get on that pity pot from time to time. Just don't stay there. And hey, I need to borrow that crown because I didn't have one the last time I was on the pot. :)

    Anyway, take care and feel better. Take your meds, they help.

    P
  • pdv
    pdv Member Posts: 56
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    Not Even Sure Yet...
    Nell,

    I just had my biopsy yesterday but have been waiting for almost three weeks to get it done. I'm not even sure yet whether I truly have cancer yet but let me tell you the emotions have been running high. One minute I'm feeling very confident about what I'll do if it is, the next I'm not sure. I've never gone through so many emotions in my 56 years of life. I never knew that something like this could cause such a reaction. So, be prepared to be unprepared because sooner or later the emotions come. I now have to wait until Tuesday to find out and I keep telling myself that I have come to terms but I know I probably haven't.

    Pat
  • tat2granny
    tat2granny Member Posts: 77
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    pdv said:

    Not Even Sure Yet...
    Nell,

    I just had my biopsy yesterday but have been waiting for almost three weeks to get it done. I'm not even sure yet whether I truly have cancer yet but let me tell you the emotions have been running high. One minute I'm feeling very confident about what I'll do if it is, the next I'm not sure. I've never gone through so many emotions in my 56 years of life. I never knew that something like this could cause such a reaction. So, be prepared to be unprepared because sooner or later the emotions come. I now have to wait until Tuesday to find out and I keep telling myself that I have come to terms but I know I probably haven't.

    Pat

    Hi Nell
    Like all the other ladies here, I say the same thing. Vent all you want here. That's what we are here for. I had to wait almost 6 weeks between my dx and surgery. And that gave me time to take it all in. I had my surgery one week ago and and feeling fine. Just a little sore and tired yet. You will find that when the surgery is behind you, all of your thoughts go to the rest of the battle. And you will win! Good luck and let us know if there is anything on your mind and I'm sure someone will always be here to hold your hand. And again vent all you want to us,, we all have been in your shoes!!
  • Skeezie
    Skeezie Member Posts: 586 Member
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    Hi Nell
    Like all the other ladies here, I say the same thing. Vent all you want here. That's what we are here for. I had to wait almost 6 weeks between my dx and surgery. And that gave me time to take it all in. I had my surgery one week ago and and feeling fine. Just a little sore and tired yet. You will find that when the surgery is behind you, all of your thoughts go to the rest of the battle. And you will win! Good luck and let us know if there is anything on your mind and I'm sure someone will always be here to hold your hand. And again vent all you want to us,, we all have been in your shoes!!

    Hi Nellie,
    I'm eight months out of discovering "the Lump" and if I hadn't had Ativan each day I couldn't have made it. I wore the "tiara" many times at my pity parties and I gotta tell you I never felt guilty or ashamed. It's heaalthy to let it out. It's normal to feel depressed about all of this. This is not like being told you need a root canal. You haven't even begun to get your strength back yet from your huge surgery. Don't feel guilty because some have it worse...it all sucks bigtime.

    Reread Chen's fabulous advise to you (we all should), print it out and reread it when you need to. Chen really says it all and with great humor (which I love). And remember that I have only temporarily lent you my tiara because I know there will be a pity party in my future...it's been awhile since I've had one but who knows?

    Hope you feel better soon and remember..no guilt about feeling blue. It's only natural.

    Hugs, Judy :-)
  • peacefulheart
    peacefulheart Member Posts: 34
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    Emotional Breakdown
    Hi Nellie!

    Your fears are absolutely normal. The shock of the diagnosis alone is alot to deal with. At times, between the diagnosis and surgery, I was numb and other times I was filled with all different emotions. You WILL get through this. Most people are stronger than they think they are. Cancer does change your life in many ways but in a lot of ways it can have positive results. There are silver linings in dark clouds. I wish you well.

    Blessings, Cathy
  • mirj523
    mirj523 Member Posts: 22
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    Same date
    Hi Nellie
    I know exactly how you feel because I too have a Feb 16th surgery date! I will be having a uni lateral mastectomy with latissimus dorsi flap and a saline implant. I to have my ups and downs as soon as I think I am ok and ready for my surgery I get scared and nervous again. I know that once the surgery is over we will be one step closer to having our lives back!!! Where are you having your surgery?
  • peacefulheart
    peacefulheart Member Posts: 34
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    mirj523 said:

    Same date
    Hi Nellie
    I know exactly how you feel because I too have a Feb 16th surgery date! I will be having a uni lateral mastectomy with latissimus dorsi flap and a saline implant. I to have my ups and downs as soon as I think I am ok and ready for my surgery I get scared and nervous again. I know that once the surgery is over we will be one step closer to having our lives back!!! Where are you having your surgery?

    You Will Be Okay
    Dear Pink Sister,

    I think hearing the cancer diagnosis and waiting for surgery are the hardest times to endure. Once you have the surgery, it moves to recovery and the future. We cannot control what happens to us, but we can control how we react. That is my mantra about everything in life and it gives me strength to get through the tough times. You will have some trauma and drama but it won't be forever. You will get through this!

    Blessings, Cathy