strong since surgery....today i broke down

aimee

hey ladies,
i joined last week but ive been reading everyday since my diagnosis.
Im Aimee, im 42, single mom with an 18 year old son. I was diagnosed in November & had a mastectomy with silicone implant reconstruction the same day (Dec 30th..happy new year!)I know im blessed that both surgeries went well & my heaing time was short & not too bad. However, today when i went to see a specialist because my lymph node test was "inconclusive", she informed me that my surgeon didnt sample my lymph nodes properly & he didnt create an "acceptable" bottom margin. This means i now have to have a 2nd surgery to extract some lymph nodes & a 3rd surgery (3 weeks later) to remove fat off the muscles on my chest wall to insure that my follow up treatment is correct. they all agree on tamoxifen but are unsure about chemo yet. I recognize that so many of you have endured & conquered so much worse, which makes me feel so bad for feeling so frustrated today, im angry that i seem to be stuck in this holding pattern talking to a string of doctors & being bounced all over the place because somebody else "dropped the ball" I just want to get on with "it"...whatever "it" may be & start moving forward. The day i got home from the hospital I began working on a local non-profit that provides no cost beauty treatments & scar tattooing to b.c. survivors & patients that cant afford them, this has been my motivation & helps me to stay grounded & keep my own issues in perspective....but today after 2 more useless consultations & promises of an answer "next week".....i lost it. I feel like i just gave up. I didnt work on the project, i didnt answer emails, i picked a fight with the boyfriend & i cant stop crying. I almost called my oncologist to tell her i was gonna take my chances & just walk away..from reading all your posts i guess everyone goes through this........
thanks for letting me vent................xoxoxoxoxoxo

mariam_11_09

I am really sorry to hear
I am really sorry to hear this. My heart goes out to you. How frustrating and infuriating, the situation with the doctors that is. It is understandable that you feel the way you do, there is nothing wrong with that. Dealing with a breast cancer diagnosis is one thing, then to be given the run around by the doctors and need a couple more surgeries is really something else.

Don't be hard on yourself, self-compassion is the key here. Really, you do want to complete your treatment as you do want to give it your best shot to be cancer free. Sometimes, at least for me, it is just taking a deep breath, letting go and letting be then you can make the decisions that are most appropriate for you.

And I am also a single mom with a 10 year old daughter and 43 going on 44.

take care.

LadyParvati

Oh, I can relate to these feelings!
Aimee,

It is so, so infuriating when the doctors screw up! You're going through one of the worst things that can happen to anyone, you made a huge decision when you chose your doctors and your treatment, and you trusted the surgeon to do the job correctly! Now here you are hearing that the surgeon screwed up and things have to be fixed somehow.

One of my doctors screwed up some aspects of my care, too, and I know how infuriating it is when you just want to get going on your treatment and make progress and see an end to it all when you can get your life back to some sort of normal . . .

It is OK to lose it! Think of all of this like losing someone very dear to you--you are grieving. You don't have to be strong all the time, you don't have to be perfect, and you do have to allow yourself to grieve. Grieving includes pain and anger and deep, deep sorrow.

Yes, we do each go through this in our own ways. We each have to forgive ourselves for losing it in some way at some point in our journey, and we each have to give ourselves permission to be human and to feel our sorrow for the loss we are experiencing. If you can, and when you're ready, tell your BF how much you care about him; let him know how sad you are about everything that is happening and ask just to be held. More than anything, though, allow yourself to feel your sorrow during this time without berating yourself. You can always take control again tomorrow or the next day.

Lots of hugs, Aimee. Things will get better. Sandy

jk1952

LadyParvati said:

Oh, I can relate to these feelings!
Aimee,

It is so, so infuriating when the doctors screw up! You're going through one of the worst things that can happen to anyone, you made a huge decision when you chose your doctors and your treatment, and you trusted the surgeon to do the job correctly! Now here you are hearing that the surgeon screwed up and things have to be fixed somehow.

One of my doctors screwed up some aspects of my care, too, and I know how infuriating it is when you just want to get going on your treatment and make progress and see an end to it all when you can get your life back to some sort of normal . . .

It is OK to lose it! Think of all of this like losing someone very dear to you--you are grieving. You don't have to be strong all the time, you don't have to be perfect, and you do have to allow yourself to grieve. Grieving includes pain and anger and deep, deep sorrow.

Yes, we do each go through this in our own ways. We each have to forgive ourselves for losing it in some way at some point in our journey, and we each have to give ourselves permission to be human and to feel our sorrow for the loss we are experiencing. If you can, and when you're ready, tell your BF how much you care about him; let him know how sad you are about everything that is happening and ask just to be held. More than anything, though, allow yourself to feel your sorrow during this time without berating yourself. You can always take control again tomorrow or the next day.

Lots of hugs, Aimee. Things will get better. Sandy

Sandy's post was perfect. A

Sandy's post was perfect. A lot of great advice.

I'm sorry that you have to go through this: I remember my first visit with my oncologist ten years ago. The original biopsy had shown DCIS, but the path report from the lumpectomy showed a small amount of invasive cancer. At the time, lymph node surgery wasn't always done with the lumpectomies because it meant taking all the nodes.

I thought that I was ready to start radiation, but the oncologist wanted me to have several other tests including a bone scan and something new (at the time) called a sentinel lymph node biopsy. I left the office devastated. Although I was upset and angry at the time, the additional tests and procedures were the right things to do.

It impresses me that it hasn't been a very long time since your mastectomy. I had relatively minor surgery a day before yours, and I don't feel that I'm totally healed yet. Maybe you need to pamper yourself a bit, or let your boyfriend and son pamper you.

We all have our bad days, but there is a wonderful life as a cancer survivor! Try to remember that on the bad days.

Joyce

aztec45

I Know How You Feel
I know how you feel. You just want to get through it and it is oh so devastating when you hear you have to do this now or you have to do that now. I wasn't supposed to have chemo but when they removed the tumor, they found out that is was bigger than what they thought so I had to have chemo. I did have a meltdown. So I do the 6 rounds of chemo and then they tell me I have to have maintenance chemo for.....an entire year. Just a couple of weeks I was informed that I would be on another maintenance chemo drug for an entire year. You think, when is this going to end and then you have another meltdown because you realize that it will not end. You will always have to deal with the lingering effects of cancer and the chemo drugs and you will have to adjust to a new normal you.

It's hard, but don't give up. Don't quit. Like a friend told me, the world is better with you in it. Keep on doing your work. I have a design for a tatoo. Do you think your group could tat me?

P

taleena

Aimee... Trust me... a lot
Aimee... Trust me... a lot of us have been there (with the waiting)... myself included... I was diagnosed on May 20th last year, and didn't receive my final treatmente plan until September... I know how frustrating that can be... I can't imagine how you must be feeling after healing from your surgery to have to go through it again... but you can do it... and you will heal again... You have a right to "lose it" and cry... let yourself... allow yourself to feel all the emotions that go with it, you'll be healthier for it...

I am so very sorry that you are having to deal with all of this.. it doesn't seem fair... but we will be here for you... each step of the way...

Hang in there...here is a cyber hug just for you...and I'm passing you some klenex too...

♥ & hugs,

~T

lanie940

ARRGH! I hope they don't
ARRGH! I hope they don't charge for the second surgery, they screwed up! Hey, I had hernia surgery in October, My surgeon who is wonderful, recomended by my Oncology surgeon who did my lumpectomy in July marked where my hernia looked like it was(lump sticking out) he went in and it wasn't there! He closed me up, and told me he was dumbfounded that it wasn't there, he took me down HIMSELF to CT scan and it was an inguinal hernia,not a ventral which it looked like it had been. HE didn't charge for the second surgery, but we did get charged for BOTH anestheia Dr.s The ins thought they were double charged until it was explained it was TWO surgeries within hours of one another. ARGH, I was sick from the anestesia though!

newbiefromcananda

so sorry to hear you are
so sorry to hear you are having a hard time just know we are here for you xoxoxo (((hugs))) Lisa

lisamnovak

So sorry
Hang in there Sweetie! It is okay to cry, yell, scream..whatever you need to do. I had my surgery in June and am still dealing with complications (not the dr's fault). It is a long hard road, but you will make it. We are here for you! HUGS!

Different Ballgame

Where Do You Live? - Seek 2nd Opinion at Different Hospital
Dear Aimee,

Before you do anything, go to another hospital for a second opinion. I hope you live in an area that offers you many hospitals. Go to the top hospital in your area (unless you are at the top hospital in your area), find out who the top doctors are, and see them for a second opinion. You do have some time to check this out further unless your cancer was rated as Grade 3, cancer cells growing at the fastest rate. Growth rate for cancer cells are rated 1, 2 or 3 (or low, medium, and high)

Very important that you know that not all hospitals are the same and, of course, not all doctors are the same.

Two of the top hospitals in Chicago are Northwestern Memorial Hospital and University of Chicago Hospital. You can go to their websites for more knowledge.

I first started out with my breast cancer at a major hospital in my town (they claim to be rated one of the top 100 hospitals in the country - who by the way does not offer an evening support group for cancer patients - that's another story). I live in a northwest suburb of Chicago. I had a major screw up relating to my cancer at this hospital The major screw up was revealed to me on the day of my first surgical biopsy. After the 2nd surgical biopsy, an infection occurred 4 days later. That’s when luck entered my life. I then had to heal from the inside out, which took 2-1/2 months. It was the best thing that happened to me because no one could touch me. The healing time allowed me time to research and gain knowledge. I went to one of the top hospitals in Chicago, Northwestern Memorial Hospital, and ended up transferring everything to this hospital. My first surgeon was a competent general surgeon at the first hospital but my next surgeon (and present) was an oncologist surgeon who is considered the #1 doctor for breast cancer surgery at Northwestern Memorial Hospital. I have the cream of the crop for doctors. I feel so safe when I am in that hospital. The doctors at this hospital have schooled at the top universities in our country. I will tell you this: The first hospital in my town cannot compare to Northwestern Memorial Hospital.

Today, it is not necessary to remove all your lymph nodes when having a mastectomy. While you are in surgery on that table, they remove and test your sentinel lymph nodes immediately. The surgeon waits for the report. You have two sentinel lymph nodes which are also known as the mother lymph nodes. If your sentinel lymph nodes do not show cancer, the surgeon goes no further and you keep the rest of your lymph nodes. If cancer is present in the sentinel lymph nodes, the surgeon removes all the lymph nodes in that area.

You have to find out exactly what did your surgeon sample regarding your lymph nodes. Ask “she” to explain it to you since “she” has the records.

What kind of surgeon did your first surgery? Was he a general surgeon? What kind of oncologist is "she"? I

I found out that all oncologists are independent from one another. A person can have a surgeon oncologist, a radiation oncologist, a medical (hemotology) oncologist. There is no captain among them. (It's not like having a primary care doctor who guides you when you are seeing other specialists.)

I am angry that you have to go through more investigation and surgeries. Do you fully understand why you have to have the 3rd surgery? Let your anger make you strong in seeking out all answers or second opinions relating to this new phase of treatment. Do not give up; find your strength. All of us do have our own crap that we go through – some of us go through more crap than others.

Dr. Oz says, “Always get a second or third opinion if you have to. It’s your body and it’s your life.” (Dr. Oz was featured many times on Oprah. He is smart and gives good advice. He now has his own show, but I never get to watch it.)

My heart is with you.

Lot of Love and Lots of Hugs,
Janelle

Skeezie

Different Ballgame said:

Where Do You Live? - Seek 2nd Opinion at Different Hospital
Dear Aimee,

Before you do anything, go to another hospital for a second opinion. I hope you live in an area that offers you many hospitals. Go to the top hospital in your area (unless you are at the top hospital in your area), find out who the top doctors are, and see them for a second opinion. You do have some time to check this out further unless your cancer was rated as Grade 3, cancer cells growing at the fastest rate. Growth rate for cancer cells are rated 1, 2 or 3 (or low, medium, and high)

Very important that you know that not all hospitals are the same and, of course, not all doctors are the same.

Two of the top hospitals in Chicago are Northwestern Memorial Hospital and University of Chicago Hospital. You can go to their websites for more knowledge.

I first started out with my breast cancer at a major hospital in my town (they claim to be rated one of the top 100 hospitals in the country - who by the way does not offer an evening support group for cancer patients - that's another story). I live in a northwest suburb of Chicago. I had a major screw up relating to my cancer at this hospital The major screw up was revealed to me on the day of my first surgical biopsy. After the 2nd surgical biopsy, an infection occurred 4 days later. That’s when luck entered my life. I then had to heal from the inside out, which took 2-1/2 months. It was the best thing that happened to me because no one could touch me. The healing time allowed me time to research and gain knowledge. I went to one of the top hospitals in Chicago, Northwestern Memorial Hospital, and ended up transferring everything to this hospital. My first surgeon was a competent general surgeon at the first hospital but my next surgeon (and present) was an oncologist surgeon who is considered the #1 doctor for breast cancer surgery at Northwestern Memorial Hospital. I have the cream of the crop for doctors. I feel so safe when I am in that hospital. The doctors at this hospital have schooled at the top universities in our country. I will tell you this: The first hospital in my town cannot compare to Northwestern Memorial Hospital.

Today, it is not necessary to remove all your lymph nodes when having a mastectomy. While you are in surgery on that table, they remove and test your sentinel lymph nodes immediately. The surgeon waits for the report. You have two sentinel lymph nodes which are also known as the mother lymph nodes. If your sentinel lymph nodes do not show cancer, the surgeon goes no further and you keep the rest of your lymph nodes. If cancer is present in the sentinel lymph nodes, the surgeon removes all the lymph nodes in that area.

You have to find out exactly what did your surgeon sample regarding your lymph nodes. Ask “she” to explain it to you since “she” has the records.

What kind of surgeon did your first surgery? Was he a general surgeon? What kind of oncologist is "she"? I

I found out that all oncologists are independent from one another. A person can have a surgeon oncologist, a radiation oncologist, a medical (hemotology) oncologist. There is no captain among them. (It's not like having a primary care doctor who guides you when you are seeing other specialists.)

I am angry that you have to go through more investigation and surgeries. Do you fully understand why you have to have the 3rd surgery? Let your anger make you strong in seeking out all answers or second opinions relating to this new phase of treatment. Do not give up; find your strength. All of us do have our own crap that we go through – some of us go through more crap than others.

Dr. Oz says, “Always get a second or third opinion if you have to. It’s your body and it’s your life.” (Dr. Oz was featured many times on Oprah. He is smart and gives good advice. He now has his own show, but I never get to watch it.)

My heart is with you.

Lot of Love and Lots of Hugs,
Janelle

Hi Aimee
You poor kid. You have every right in the world to feel the way you do. Your surgeon certainly seemed to drop the ball and you're the one who has to suffer. I hope you are having a different surgeon do your next surgeries. Is there any reason you can't have both surgeries done at the same time?

I definitly agree about getting a second opinion before the surgeries. It can't hurt and you will feel much better, even a third opinion if necessary.

Keep us all posted on what's going on...tomorrow is another day and kiss your boyfriend and go on from there.

Wishing you well with your upcoming surgery.

Hugs, Judy :-)
P.S. I almost forgot, I got a ssurprise and had to have a third surgery before the mastecomy. I had slight calcifications in the other breast and my onc wanted an MRI...I couldn't find any hospital or private clinic that would put me under IV Sedation for the MRI and because of my extreme clausterphobia I choose an excisional biopsy with needle loc. That was scheduled for one before my mastectomy. So I've been there too but almost forgot. Believe it or not you will too. But that's for down the road, today is all about being upset and ticked off.