Feeling oh so unattractive

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elm3544
elm3544 Member Posts: 748
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
Just need to vent a little.
Last night my husband and i went to his co worker's retirement party at a bar. My husband told me it will be all (older)bikers so just dress casual...I had on a big oversized striped shirt and jeans with black boots and wore my leather jacket. Well all the women there had on black tops, most of them had nice unscarred cleavage busting out of their extremely low cut blouses. They all had beautiful shiny black hair as they were all hispanic ladies. I felt so ugly being surrounded by all these beautiful young women!
I wanted to hide! My hair is about 1/4 inch long and tightly curly. It has lots of gray. I have visable scars if I wear anything lower cut than a Tshirt!
One of the young ladies thought it was a good idea to keep hanging on my husband, hugging him, touching him, etc.
So...I had a dream early this morning in which 2 women were giving my husband a lap dance, right in front of me!!
I will spare you the rest of the details, but woke up so upset, it felt so real!
Now I feel like hiding away till my hair grows back and I wish I had gotten a wig.
I hate what cancer has done to my body and my self image.
Thank you for listening. I love you all.

Comments

  • roseann4
    roseann4 Member Posts: 992 Member
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    I feel your pain!
    As women, we have much too much of our identity wrapped up in how we look. I'm 59 and age has effected my feelings of confidence with my looks. This is especially difficult if we go out with couples where the wife is much younger. You know the drill, older man divorces his wife and marries someone 20 years younger. It is very threatening no matter how I try to feel good about myself. Now with the BC it is even more difficult.

    That said, we will all lose what society sais are good looks. My aunt is 92 and still thinks she's the bomb. Much of it is in our heads. Hopefully, we are loved for more than our appearance. If not, then the man isn't worth keeping anyway.

    By the way, it's not too late to buy a wig. Celebrities wear them as fashion statements. Order a sexy one if it makes you feel better.

    We're alive! Lots to celebrate.

    Roseann
  • aztec45
    aztec45 Member Posts: 757
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    Sorry
    Sorry you did not enjoy yourself at the party. It is hard not to feel self conscious about how we look especially around a group of young good looking ladies. But, your hair will grow back and you can cover the scars with clothes.

    Chin up.

    P
  • Marcia527
    Marcia527 Member Posts: 2,729
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    Dreams are upsetting when
    Dreams are upsetting when they are like that and the emotion carries on all day. I just do the best I can with what I've got and avoid people who are small minded. It sounds like you handled yourself with grace and dignity. Your hair will grow and those lower tops are dangerous. You never know what will fall out of them (I meant for those others).
  • Sam726
    Sam726 Member Posts: 233
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    aztec45 said:

    Sorry
    Sorry you did not enjoy yourself at the party. It is hard not to feel self conscious about how we look especially around a group of young good looking ladies. But, your hair will grow back and you can cover the scars with clothes.

    Chin up.

    P

    oh
    Oh Im so sorry u r feelin this way...Im a biker chic too and I can only imagine how they were dressed. I dont feel so attractive when i go out either. No hair still and gained 20lbs from chemo! Hang in there girl....riding weather is upon us soon! Well, im in STL so its cold. Not sure where you are.

    Take girl....

    PS. My friend staci has a scar and he tells people it is from a knife fight in a bar! LOL...
  • kick-ca-ass
    kick-ca-ass Member Posts: 10
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    I'm sorry you felt so bad.I
    I'm sorry you felt so bad.I can't change that feeling your having but can only offer my experience with the lack of hair and scars. I chose to shave my head before my hair fell out from chemo. I needed to have some control over this disease. The response I received from coworkers and the general public was overwhelming. I never wore a wig or scarf, they just didn't suite me. I thought the character of my heart would out shine the glow of my bald head. The men loved my head and even offered a rub or kiss on top for luck. The women were incredible. I loved brief encounters with all of them and to hear there stories of survival were touching and encouraging. One woman in the produce section of a grocery store lightly touched my hand and quietly told me how beautiful I was and then she left. It made my day. I finished chemo and my hair is maybe 1/4" long and looks salt and pepper but I've earned every one of those little gray suckers. I celebrated my 50th birthday on chemo. I'm finishing up reconstruction surgery; replacing expanders with implants and I need a touch up on one breast. Quite frankly it looks like a pladderpus but in time that will also resolve. I feel great when I look great. I wear nice earrings, a little lipstick, and a big smile that says "Baby, look out here I come". Carry yourself with authority and the world will follow. Take care sweetie and try to see the scars you carry as lines of a story while on the journey of life. I think scars are sexy and each have there own story.
  • austinsmom
    austinsmom Member Posts: 22
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    I am sorry you are feeling
    I am sorry you are feeling down, this disease robs us of so much! My hair was always so important to me and my boobs too! When my hair started to come back it was curly and I felt so ugly...but I continued to try to look my best where ever I went. I put my makeup on and tried to dress nice. I new about the weight gain thing with chemo and refused to give in and continue to diet and exercise to feel good for me. P.S. mY EX dumped me when I got cancer, I do try to avoid anywhere he might be. and havent seen or heard from him in 7 months. Good luck to you! JJ
  • roseann4
    roseann4 Member Posts: 992 Member
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    I am sorry you are feeling
    I am sorry you are feeling down, this disease robs us of so much! My hair was always so important to me and my boobs too! When my hair started to come back it was curly and I felt so ugly...but I continued to try to look my best where ever I went. I put my makeup on and tried to dress nice. I new about the weight gain thing with chemo and refused to give in and continue to diet and exercise to feel good for me. P.S. mY EX dumped me when I got cancer, I do try to avoid anywhere he might be. and havent seen or heard from him in 7 months. Good luck to you! JJ

    Many men aren't wired to handle disease.
    Hi JJ,

    I'm sorry about your ex dumping you when you got cancer. My husband's dad died of cancer at age 47 when my husband was 15. He really had a difficult time when I was diagnosed. However, the good ones stick it out and the others show us who they are by leaving. I'm sure it hurt but you seem to be doing just fine.

    Roseann
  • Skeezie
    Skeezie Member Posts: 586 Member
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    roseann4 said:

    Many men aren't wired to handle disease.
    Hi JJ,

    I'm sorry about your ex dumping you when you got cancer. My husband's dad died of cancer at age 47 when my husband was 15. He really had a difficult time when I was diagnosed. However, the good ones stick it out and the others show us who they are by leaving. I'm sure it hurt but you seem to be doing just fine.

    Roseann

    Hi Elm
    What a horrible evening you had. I have only been with friends who are so supportive and keep saying how great I look (finished chemo 12-11). I feel great. I have a dynamite wig that is styled in my own style, but as lite weight as it is, it bugs me. I admire your courage to go without...my head is too funny shaped and I see very few dark hairs coming in. lol I lost 30 lbs. during chemo (which was great) but now my fake boob is bigger than my real boob so I'm gonna have to get some padding for my real boob. I can't get a new boob until I lose about 30 lb more or wait until next Oct when the year is up. What a hoot! Get some cute head coverings for the next 2 or 3 months so you won't feel so exposed, get some sexy high neck tops and shake your money maker with the joy of having kicked the beast in the butt and try not to let brainless girls get the best of you. That could have happened even before cancer. You are beautiful inside and out and never forget it.

    JJ. Boy are you lucky you are rid of that guy, he showed his true colors. Now you'll find someone to grow old with who will stick by you in "sickness" and health. The sickness always rolls around, whether it be the beast, old age, heart attack etc. I'd rather be "alone" and happy than with a jerk and be "lonely" cause he's not there for me.

    Hugs all, Judy :-)
  • elm3544
    elm3544 Member Posts: 748
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    Thanks, girls
    I apperciate all the support. Roseann, your 92 year old aunt IS the bomb!
    I don't always feel the way I did the other night. I never wanted a wig, but I have worn hats and scarves up until about Christmas time. Since then I have been a little self concious here and there with my chia pet look. Sometimes I still want to cover it up but on the most part, I don't worry about it. But then I dont usually find myself in that situation. My husband wants to go to this same person's house warming party and I might just skip going with him. Its going to be a huge party and none of the wives that I know will be there.
    Sam I admire you, I want to learn to ride but I have always been afraid. I grew up around bikes, rode on the back since I was a kid and have a family full of bikers but never learned myself. My son told me if I learn he will give me a sportster. He has 2 sportsters and a Dyna. My husband has a Dyna.
    New year, time to make a new bucket list.
  • aimee
    aimee Member Posts: 8
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    elm3544 said:

    Thanks, girls
    I apperciate all the support. Roseann, your 92 year old aunt IS the bomb!
    I don't always feel the way I did the other night. I never wanted a wig, but I have worn hats and scarves up until about Christmas time. Since then I have been a little self concious here and there with my chia pet look. Sometimes I still want to cover it up but on the most part, I don't worry about it. But then I dont usually find myself in that situation. My husband wants to go to this same person's house warming party and I might just skip going with him. Its going to be a huge party and none of the wives that I know will be there.
    Sam I admire you, I want to learn to ride but I have always been afraid. I grew up around bikes, rode on the back since I was a kid and have a family full of bikers but never learned myself. My son told me if I learn he will give me a sportster. He has 2 sportsters and a Dyna. My husband has a Dyna.
    New year, time to make a new bucket list.

    Hello Gorgeous!
    Hey pretty lady!
    Its good to hear that you dont feel like that all the time, but even one day like that sucks & we've all had them! I manage the bar at a topless club, im currently on leave until im done with my treatment but returning to work is probably the one thing that scares me most right now. As women we tend to be more critical of ourselves & give in to those feelings of insecurity, because we know that "catty girls" can be mean, but theres also a solidarity that most women share & when push comes to shove we have each others backs. I decided the day i was diagnosed that i was going to get a tattoo over my scars. I still have to wait through the healing process, but while ive been off work i have started putting together a charity (i hate that word) that provides tattoo services for little or no money for breast cancer patients & survivors. Currently its only local as its become a bigger project than i had anticipated, but if you are in southern california or would like us to do the legwork for you in your area to see if we can maybe set something up near your house let me know. Our facebook page will be up this week to hold us over until the website is complete. its called Tattoos Lipstick & Courage.
    xoxoxo
    aimee
  • rene9
    rene9 Member Posts: 214
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    aimee said:

    Hello Gorgeous!
    Hey pretty lady!
    Its good to hear that you dont feel like that all the time, but even one day like that sucks & we've all had them! I manage the bar at a topless club, im currently on leave until im done with my treatment but returning to work is probably the one thing that scares me most right now. As women we tend to be more critical of ourselves & give in to those feelings of insecurity, because we know that "catty girls" can be mean, but theres also a solidarity that most women share & when push comes to shove we have each others backs. I decided the day i was diagnosed that i was going to get a tattoo over my scars. I still have to wait through the healing process, but while ive been off work i have started putting together a charity (i hate that word) that provides tattoo services for little or no money for breast cancer patients & survivors. Currently its only local as its become a bigger project than i had anticipated, but if you are in southern california or would like us to do the legwork for you in your area to see if we can maybe set something up near your house let me know. Our facebook page will be up this week to hold us over until the website is complete. its called Tattoos Lipstick & Courage.
    xoxoxo
    aimee

    Hi
    Don't you dare feel bad! Short hair is sexy too! Although, I haven't worn my short for 16 years now, I actually look forward to wearing it short and sexy until I grow it back shoulder length. Then, I never showed cleavage. You're supposed to leave something to the imagination right? But, you can be sexy with short hair and shirts that cover cleavage. As for me, if I wear a shirt where people can see the straight line scar from the port, oh well! That's my battle scar and I'm alive!

    rene9
  • Katz77
    Katz77 Member Posts: 598
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    Young, cleaveaged girls suck
    LOL. I'm sorry about ur experience. that does suck. Esp the dream. Bet ur husband loves you the way you are. My husbands a biker, and we go to events. I wear tops that my scars show to an extent. These are my battle scars. Been there and done it and still fighting. Go out and be proud. Either a wig or bandana. I wear bandanas. Don't like wigs. next time a girl "hangs" on ur husband, tell her to take a hike! If ur scars show, that should scare her. Maybe she'll think you got cut in a knife fight! I used to stay in trouble with my imagination. Ur beauitful because ur a survior. Does ur husband make u feel bad about yourself? Sure hope not. he's the one who matters, not the dumb girls. Good feelings coming ur way. I'm 49 and a semi bald, lop sided, brick house, babyyy. (remember the song?)Gayla
  • elm3544
    elm3544 Member Posts: 748
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    Katz77 said:

    Young, cleaveaged girls suck
    LOL. I'm sorry about ur experience. that does suck. Esp the dream. Bet ur husband loves you the way you are. My husbands a biker, and we go to events. I wear tops that my scars show to an extent. These are my battle scars. Been there and done it and still fighting. Go out and be proud. Either a wig or bandana. I wear bandanas. Don't like wigs. next time a girl "hangs" on ur husband, tell her to take a hike! If ur scars show, that should scare her. Maybe she'll think you got cut in a knife fight! I used to stay in trouble with my imagination. Ur beauitful because ur a survior. Does ur husband make u feel bad about yourself? Sure hope not. he's the one who matters, not the dumb girls. Good feelings coming ur way. I'm 49 and a semi bald, lop sided, brick house, babyyy. (remember the song?)Gayla

    LOL@ Katz77
    Yeah my husband is really good to me. I made a comment after we left that night that all his co workers are going to think he has an ugly wife. He said no they would not and even if they did they would be wrong.
    Thank you for your reply, it made my day!
    Thank you all for the support and encouragement, I think it was just what I needed.
  • RE
    RE Member Posts: 4,591 Member
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    You're Special!

    Hello Elm, I am not a biker chick I am a camping quad riding gal raised by a biker dad! LOL My 79 year old dad is still riding his Harley around the nation, he will be in Montana and Wyoming in June and July. I have had a lumpectomy and mastectomy and reconstruction which still needs to be tweaked, but you know I consider myself "hot stuff" and I am 80 lbs overweight mostly thanks to chemo steroids. You my dear are beautiful, you are a survivor and you are far more interesting than the gals who felt they needed to flaunt their boobs and hang on your husband. shallow little things. Next time one attaches herself to him you simply make it clear it is in her best interest to detach herself promptly. I do recall the I am bald i feel ugly days, but I have lost my hair 3 times now and have come to a comfort level that it will come back and hair or no hair I am still me and I like who I am. You say your husband supports you so the rest of them don't matter anyway. I would go to the next gathering head held high and personality sparkling, you are a survivor and it seems your husband is proud to have you on his arm. I always have said cancer takes enough of the physical of us it does not deserve to take our happiness as well.

    Hugs,

    RE
  • Skeezie
    Skeezie Member Posts: 586 Member
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    elm3544 said:

    LOL@ Katz77
    Yeah my husband is really good to me. I made a comment after we left that night that all his co workers are going to think he has an ugly wife. He said no they would not and even if they did they would be wrong.
    Thank you for your reply, it made my day!
    Thank you all for the support and encouragement, I think it was just what I needed.

    Katz!
    I'm a semi-bald, lop sided brick house too! What a great saying. It's now gonna be my mantra. lol

    Judy :-D

    PS: Love the song too.
  • Skeezie
    Skeezie Member Posts: 586 Member
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    RE said:

    You're Special!

    Hello Elm, I am not a biker chick I am a camping quad riding gal raised by a biker dad! LOL My 79 year old dad is still riding his Harley around the nation, he will be in Montana and Wyoming in June and July. I have had a lumpectomy and mastectomy and reconstruction which still needs to be tweaked, but you know I consider myself "hot stuff" and I am 80 lbs overweight mostly thanks to chemo steroids. You my dear are beautiful, you are a survivor and you are far more interesting than the gals who felt they needed to flaunt their boobs and hang on your husband. shallow little things. Next time one attaches herself to him you simply make it clear it is in her best interest to detach herself promptly. I do recall the I am bald i feel ugly days, but I have lost my hair 3 times now and have come to a comfort level that it will come back and hair or no hair I am still me and I like who I am. You say your husband supports you so the rest of them don't matter anyway. I would go to the next gathering head held high and personality sparkling, you are a survivor and it seems your husband is proud to have you on his arm. I always have said cancer takes enough of the physical of us it does not deserve to take our happiness as well.

    Hugs,

    RE

    Hey Re,
    Well said!

    Judy :-D
  • elm3544
    elm3544 Member Posts: 748
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    All you ladies are awesome!
    All you ladies are awesome! I can't tell you how much it helps to have your support!
    Wednesday and Thursday are my husband's days off and he is taking me on a little overnight trip. It wil be our Valentine's celebration. He has been there every step of the way for me and I know he doesn't see me as I see myself sometimes. He has never made me feel bad about myself, its all me.
    I stopped covering my head around Christmas time and I sometimes still feel a little insecure without something on my head. I have also gotten several compliments on my "cute hair style", and that definitely outweighs the bad!
  • Jeanne D
    Jeanne D Member Posts: 1,867
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    elm3544 said:

    All you ladies are awesome!
    All you ladies are awesome! I can't tell you how much it helps to have your support!
    Wednesday and Thursday are my husband's days off and he is taking me on a little overnight trip. It wil be our Valentine's celebration. He has been there every step of the way for me and I know he doesn't see me as I see myself sometimes. He has never made me feel bad about myself, its all me.
    I stopped covering my head around Christmas time and I sometimes still feel a little insecure without something on my head. I have also gotten several compliments on my "cute hair style", and that definitely outweighs the bad!

    Elm ♥
    I don't think any one critiques us as we do ourselves. Don't ever be hard on yourself. This will pass and you will start to feel as beautiful as you really are! I see it..you will too!

    Love, Jeanne ♥</♥</font>
  • xskeetshooter
    xskeetshooter Member Posts: 169
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    girl hanging off your husband
    hope you gave that little b a attude adjustment