More Stupid Things People Say…“pull myself together”

TraciInLA
TraciInLA Member Posts: 1,994 Member
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
Many of you know I completed active treatment (chemo & rads) a few weeks ago, and am still struggling with fatigue. I’m back at work full-time, but work and doctors’ appointments and making sure I have food in the house and clean clothes are about all I have the energy for right now.

I understand that no one who hasn’t been through chemo really gets what it does to your body -- *I* certainly didn’t get it until I went through it. So I’m very clear and specific about my limitations. But it’s like many of my friends don’t want to hear anything other than I’m “all better now,” and everything is “back to normal.”

I got an invitation from a casual friend/acquaintance a few days ago to a Mardi Gras party. I replied back to her with something like, “Thank you so much for inviting me. I’m sorry, I’m still not up to evening activities yet since chemo -- I run out of steam really early in the day. I hope your party is a lot of fun, and that I’m able to come next time!”

Her response to this was to mail me a very nice “get well” card -- in which she wrote that I needed to “pull myself together” by the 13th, so that I can come to her party.

[slapping myself on the forehead] Ooooohhhhh, so THAT’S what I’m supposed to be doing to recover! My oncologist is clearly very remiss in not directing me to just “pull myself together,” and everything will be all better!

(anyone want to come to LA and slap this chick for me?)

Traci
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Comments

  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159
    Being as you know I live
    Being as you know I live only 90 miles or so from LA, and that my legs are 40' long~ I can probably just lean over from here in SB county and slap her one! LOL

    I started a thread called "Welcome To Hogwarts"...if you find it it may just make you laugh at the ignorance of the Muggles~

    Your post reminds me of the Mary Engelbreit series of cards...I have the one which says "Snap Out Of It!" sheesh! :-)


    Hugs,
    Claudia
  • Angie2U
    Angie2U Member Posts: 2,991
    chenheart said:

    Being as you know I live
    Being as you know I live only 90 miles or so from LA, and that my legs are 40' long~ I can probably just lean over from here in SB county and slap her one! LOL

    I started a thread called "Welcome To Hogwarts"...if you find it it may just make you laugh at the ignorance of the Muggles~

    Your post reminds me of the Mary Engelbreit series of cards...I have the one which says "Snap Out Of It!" sheesh! :-)


    Hugs,
    Claudia

    So sorry Traci. We have all
    So sorry Traci. We have all had so many dumb and stupid things said to us. I just don't understand where they come up with the "dumbness". ( if that is a word lol )

    Hugs, Angie
  • elm3544
    elm3544 Member Posts: 748
    I know what you mean about
    I know what you mean about not feeling up to going to a party or social event yet. You're right, it seems liek no one gets it! Your entire being is trying to heal and that takes alot out of you! You are already doing alot by working full time and going on with daily home life. I admire your strength!
  • jnl
    jnl Member Posts: 3,869 Member
    elm3544 said:

    I know what you mean about
    I know what you mean about not feeling up to going to a party or social event yet. You're right, it seems liek no one gets it! Your entire being is trying to heal and that takes alot out of you! You are already doing alot by working full time and going on with daily home life. I admire your strength!

    I will slap her! Just give
    I will slap her! Just give me her addy! HA

    Hugs, Leeza
  • lanie940
    lanie940 Member Posts: 490
    Hey, let me tell, you, I'd
    Hey, let me tell, you, I'd want to slap her upside her head also. She just is ignorant about what a toll Chemo takes on one's body.I only had radiation, that made me tired.But I also didn't realize my tiredness and weakness was also due to my Celiac Disease, and until after I spent 6 days in the hospital did my husband realize what was happening to me. He also as much as told me (before this other issue) came to a head to push myseld more, get out and walk more,etc. I FINALLY have my strength back. It's been a LONG haul!
  • creampuff91344
    creampuff91344 Member Posts: 988
    jnl said:

    I will slap her! Just give
    I will slap her! Just give me her addy! HA

    Hugs, Leeza

    Traci, I can certainly
    Traci, I can certainly relate to your delimma....it seems like everyone thinks that the day you finish rads you are okay to go, and that there is nothing else to talk about. My family certainly knows better, and most of my friends are now coming around, but you wouldn't believe the number of cards and flowers I got on my last day of radiation, most of which were saying, "Okay, you are well now, so let's get on the road." It takes time, and anyone who hasn't personally experienced this can't possibly relate. I have posted this before, but to reiterate, I keep a placque in my bathroom, and read it every morning as I am trying to "get it together" to make the day. It says,"Courage isn't always a loud roar. Sometimes it is a quiet voice at the end of the day that says, I will try again tomorrow." This is my motto, and days seem to go better when I realize that there will be good ones and bad ones. You are the one who know how to distinguish between the two. Stay at your own pace, and ignore the ignorance of others. Hugs, Judy
  • pitt
    pitt Member Posts: 387
    I understand
    I'm so glad you posted this. I am in the middle of rads (finished chemo in December) and am EXHAUSTED! I still go to bed no later than 8pm and have very limited stamina during the day. Granted, it is getting better but I"m still not strong. Trying to explain to my friends is difficult. A lot of people just don't want to hear it anymore. I'm trying to let friends enjoy my "good" moments, but I'm definitely taking time to myself during the weaker ones. I feel like I'm burdening them if I continue to let them see my weaker moments.

    What can I say? Some people understand and are in it with us through the end; and others are casual observers who only want to see us when we're up. My circle of friends is helping me through this but the circle is definitely smaller today than it was a few months ago.

    Hang in there and don't sweat the stupidity of people whose opinions never really mattered to you to begin with.

    Pitt
  • fauxma
    fauxma Member Posts: 3,577 Member
    Traci,
    I have the perfect

    Traci,

    I have the perfect idea. We will dismember her and then as we are walking away we will tell her to Pull herself together. Actually I would just ignore the card and her party and do what you know is best for you. She will never get it. I understand that those that have never had cancer think they are being "helpful", but, come on, a get well card with that message. It seems so oppositional. Almost like she sarcastic, like she thinks its all in your head. I am sure she thinks going out and coming to the party will do you a world of good and that you just need to get back in the swing of things. What she doesn't get is that fatigue is still ongoing long after chemo and/or rads and that just doing daily stuff is exhausting. And yeah, what's with your oncologist not being up on this part of treatment. LOL
    I am sending a cyber slap for this babe. SMACK!!!
    Stef
  • outdoorgirl
    outdoorgirl Member Posts: 1,565
    My hubby
    made the mistake one time of trying to compare me to Lance Armstrong.Don't know if he was joking or not,sometimes it's hard to tell,but I told him that I WASN'T Lance and I didn't appreciate it,and did he want to take a walk in my shoes?!People just don't "get it" until they've been through it. I didn't get it before I got it.Still,if you can't think of something smart to say-don't say anything...
  • cindycflynn
    cindycflynn Member Posts: 1,132 Member
    I'm here!
    In LA - just give the word and I'll pullmyself together enough to drive over and slap her for you.

    I'm only halfway through chemo and still have rads ahead of me and I'm already feeling pretty exhausted most of the time.

    At least you know where you can always come to find friends who WILL understand what you're going through - right here at Hogwarts!

    Just try to ignore the ignorant and get the rest your body needs.

    Take care,
    Cindy
  • aztec45
    aztec45 Member Posts: 757
    pitt said:

    I understand
    I'm so glad you posted this. I am in the middle of rads (finished chemo in December) and am EXHAUSTED! I still go to bed no later than 8pm and have very limited stamina during the day. Granted, it is getting better but I"m still not strong. Trying to explain to my friends is difficult. A lot of people just don't want to hear it anymore. I'm trying to let friends enjoy my "good" moments, but I'm definitely taking time to myself during the weaker ones. I feel like I'm burdening them if I continue to let them see my weaker moments.

    What can I say? Some people understand and are in it with us through the end; and others are casual observers who only want to see us when we're up. My circle of friends is helping me through this but the circle is definitely smaller today than it was a few months ago.

    Hang in there and don't sweat the stupidity of people whose opinions never really mattered to you to begin with.

    Pitt

    I Like What You Wrote
    I like what you wrote, Pitt. It is a fact and it is sometimes very hard to face but it is what it is. There are people who understand the lingering effects of cancer and the treatments and stick with us to the end. And then there are the people who think since we are finished with RADS or chemo or whatever that we are instantly cured and should be back to normal. There are also those people who are tired of hearing or dealing with it and truth be known, were never truly supportive.

    To those people who fit the latter category, I say to hail with them. And to those who stand by you no matter what, hold on to them tight.

    P
  • pattimc
    pattimc Member Posts: 431

    I'm here!
    In LA - just give the word and I'll pullmyself together enough to drive over and slap her for you.

    I'm only halfway through chemo and still have rads ahead of me and I'm already feeling pretty exhausted most of the time.

    At least you know where you can always come to find friends who WILL understand what you're going through - right here at Hogwarts!

    Just try to ignore the ignorant and get the rest your body needs.

    Take care,
    Cindy

    I know...
    We have two other couples that we do a dinner party every few months. I had my lymph node dissection in June and that week, they were having the dinner party. When I said that I just couldn't do it (keep in mind that it was the same week as my surgery) she says, "well you have to eat sometime..." Are you kidding me??? I'm walking around with a drain and trying to recover from 3 surgeries in 6 weeks and she expected me to be social??? Geez, what is up with some people??
  • TraciInLA
    TraciInLA Member Posts: 1,994 Member
    pattimc said:

    I know...
    We have two other couples that we do a dinner party every few months. I had my lymph node dissection in June and that week, they were having the dinner party. When I said that I just couldn't do it (keep in mind that it was the same week as my surgery) she says, "well you have to eat sometime..." Are you kidding me??? I'm walking around with a drain and trying to recover from 3 surgeries in 6 weeks and she expected me to be social??? Geez, what is up with some people??

    Thank you
    Thank you all, for your support and your willingness to commit violent acts for me! Claudia, I would pay money to see the look on this woman's face when your 40-ft. legs landed in her backyard, but I think I'm leaning more toward Stef's dismemberment idea...."pull yourself together," LOL!!

    Pitt, your energy really will get better -- just in the most frustrating, slow, tiny baby steps. When I was at the point you are now, I was pretty much toast by 5 or 6 every day, and couldn't walk more than 15 minutes at a time. I just last week worked up to 30-minute walks, and, while I'm in bed by 7 or 8 most nights, I was so proud when I stayed up until 9:00 one night last week -- ooh, 9:00 -- par-TAY! :-)

    Patti, the husband of Miss Pull Yourself Together actually said those very same words, "Well, you have to eat sometime," to me when trying to invite me over for dinner while I was doing chemo. I think Stef is right that some folks think that getting out and socializing will help us feel better, and don't understand that sometimes it's all we can do just to get through the required parts of our day before we fall over.

    Cindy, whereabouts in LA are you? If Stef's and/or Claudia's ideas fall through, I may have to ask you to "pull yourself together" and get over here. :-) I'm in the Valley, and I get all my treatment in and around West Hills Hospital.

    Traci
  • susie09
    susie09 Member Posts: 2,930
    TraciInLA said:

    Thank you
    Thank you all, for your support and your willingness to commit violent acts for me! Claudia, I would pay money to see the look on this woman's face when your 40-ft. legs landed in her backyard, but I think I'm leaning more toward Stef's dismemberment idea...."pull yourself together," LOL!!

    Pitt, your energy really will get better -- just in the most frustrating, slow, tiny baby steps. When I was at the point you are now, I was pretty much toast by 5 or 6 every day, and couldn't walk more than 15 minutes at a time. I just last week worked up to 30-minute walks, and, while I'm in bed by 7 or 8 most nights, I was so proud when I stayed up until 9:00 one night last week -- ooh, 9:00 -- par-TAY! :-)

    Patti, the husband of Miss Pull Yourself Together actually said those very same words, "Well, you have to eat sometime," to me when trying to invite me over for dinner while I was doing chemo. I think Stef is right that some folks think that getting out and socializing will help us feel better, and don't understand that sometimes it's all we can do just to get through the required parts of our day before we fall over.

    Cindy, whereabouts in LA are you? If Stef's and/or Claudia's ideas fall through, I may have to ask you to "pull yourself together" and get over here. :-) I'm in the Valley, and I get all my treatment in and around West Hills Hospital.

    Traci

    I agree with Pitt! Hang in
    I agree with Pitt! Hang in there and don't sweat the stupidity of others! I think sometimes people mean well, but, it just comes out wrong. Have a good weekend Traci!
  • fauxma
    fauxma Member Posts: 3,577 Member
    TraciInLA said:

    Thank you
    Thank you all, for your support and your willingness to commit violent acts for me! Claudia, I would pay money to see the look on this woman's face when your 40-ft. legs landed in her backyard, but I think I'm leaning more toward Stef's dismemberment idea...."pull yourself together," LOL!!

    Pitt, your energy really will get better -- just in the most frustrating, slow, tiny baby steps. When I was at the point you are now, I was pretty much toast by 5 or 6 every day, and couldn't walk more than 15 minutes at a time. I just last week worked up to 30-minute walks, and, while I'm in bed by 7 or 8 most nights, I was so proud when I stayed up until 9:00 one night last week -- ooh, 9:00 -- par-TAY! :-)

    Patti, the husband of Miss Pull Yourself Together actually said those very same words, "Well, you have to eat sometime," to me when trying to invite me over for dinner while I was doing chemo. I think Stef is right that some folks think that getting out and socializing will help us feel better, and don't understand that sometimes it's all we can do just to get through the required parts of our day before we fall over.

    Cindy, whereabouts in LA are you? If Stef's and/or Claudia's ideas fall through, I may have to ask you to "pull yourself together" and get over here. :-) I'm in the Valley, and I get all my treatment in and around West Hills Hospital.

    Traci

    Traci,
    If nothing else,

    Traci,
    If nothing else, these people do give us ways to laugh, don't they? They don't know it but still it's fun. And it's like a little pay back to be able to make jest of them and their stupid, silly statements. And most of all, it's harmless.
    Regarding the dismembering, should be use axe, chain saw, scapel (this would give her a taste of the surgical end of this), scissors, or a kitchen knife (endless possibilities). You decide and I'm your gal. LOL.
    Stef
  • pinkflutterby
    pinkflutterby Member Posts: 615 Member
    fauxma said:

    Traci,
    If nothing else,

    Traci,
    If nothing else, these people do give us ways to laugh, don't they? They don't know it but still it's fun. And it's like a little pay back to be able to make jest of them and their stupid, silly statements. And most of all, it's harmless.
    Regarding the dismembering, should be use axe, chain saw, scapel (this would give her a taste of the surgical end of this), scissors, or a kitchen knife (endless possibilities). You decide and I'm your gal. LOL.
    Stef

    add me to the wanna slap her
    add me to the wanna slap her list!!!!!
  • taleena
    taleena Member Posts: 1,612 Member
    You know Traci... I am with
    You know Traci... I am with all the others.... Chen included... man can you see that 40' woman smacks girl with very small mind... then I like the idea of dismembering her too... wow you've gotten some good ideas... I'll hold her down... then we can all take turns... ***Some people***

    ♥ & hugs..

    ~T

    I guess we can't fix stupid
  • Marcia527
    Marcia527 Member Posts: 2,729
    I support you Traci but I'm
    I support you Traci but I'm nonviolent. Why don't you guys hold her down and I'll sing! It'd drive her crazy! You guys will have to wear ear plugs tho.
  • fauxma
    fauxma Member Posts: 3,577 Member
    Marcia527 said:

    I support you Traci but I'm
    I support you Traci but I'm nonviolent. Why don't you guys hold her down and I'll sing! It'd drive her crazy! You guys will have to wear ear plugs tho.

    Marcia,
    I love that idea. I

    Marcia,
    I love that idea. I can't sing so we could do a duet. I can sing, saw at the same time. I sing so badly that I had a friend that would laugh and say I used to like that song whenever I would sing something. We would both crack up because I truly can't sing. So if you are half as bad as I am she will really regret saying that to our Traci.
    Stef
  • Marcia527
    Marcia527 Member Posts: 2,729
    fauxma said:

    Marcia,
    I love that idea. I

    Marcia,
    I love that idea. I can't sing so we could do a duet. I can sing, saw at the same time. I sing so badly that I had a friend that would laugh and say I used to like that song whenever I would sing something. We would both crack up because I truly can't sing. So if you are half as bad as I am she will really regret saying that to our Traci.
    Stef

    I'm pretty bad but I sang in
    I'm pretty bad but I sang in my sleep once and that is the only time my husband has ever heard me sing.