Kari--glad to be able to vent

Tinabug
Tinabug Member Posts: 158
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
Kari,
When I read your post yesterday, I was glad to know I'm not the only one that feels that way. I come to this site, b/c none of my friends have been in my shoes(thank God) & you all have(unfortunately.) I was diagnosed in Oct & had a bilateral mastectomy in Nov. & I am so angry right now. I truly have the best husband & friends in this world, but if I hear "you're going to be fine", "you are so strong" or "you have good color", one more time, I am truly going to scream!!!! I know(pray) I am going to be fine, but right now, I am not. I am ANGRY my life has been turned upside down & it stinks in every way possible. I'm not fine, because I lost my breasts & I am reminded of it every single day when I awake from the pain or look at myself in the mirror. No, I don't look fine, because I've gained 10 lbs from being depressed, eating, & not exercising(b/c of recovery.) We have great insurance, but are hurting financially, because I am self-employed & can't work. Not to mention, parking fees, copays, & whatever the insurance doesn't cover. I'm not fine, because I am a newlywed & needless to say this isn't how I wanted to start out our marriage. Just last night, my husband asked, why I was being such a bi**h. I hate being angry & short fused. I'm not fine, because I am about to lose my hair from chemo & heaven only knows what other kind of SE's I am going to experience. I'm not fine because I haven't even started chemo & I'm constantly tired. I don't know if it's from depression, 3 surgeries, or lack of sleep at night. I'm usually the one nobody can keep up with, because I have so much energy & this really stinks. My usually spotless home is a wreck & I just don't even care. I'm tired of the doctors vists, the tests, being stuck, & feeling like crap.
Yes, I try to be strong, because everyone seem's to think I am, I constantly hear "you're so stong", but I am dying inside. I cry when they aren't looking, I don't want to disappoint them & I don't want them to worry about me. It's bad enough seeing the look in their eyes since my diagnosis. Yes, they tell me I will be fine, but I think, just like me, they are scared. They told my mom she was strong & she would be fine, but she wasn't fine. I'm scared to death I won't be either. Everytime I have an ache, it's horrifying what I think.
As far as my color, I really don't know what they mean by that. I guess a mastectomy is supposed to change my color.
I know everyone means well, I do. I feel so guilty, because of the way I feel, I'm not a bad person. I was once in there shoes & didn't have a clue what to say to someone in my shoes. I know I should just be thankful I am so loved & people care. I should be thankful it was found early & it's stage 1, chemo isn't what it used to be, & hopefully in a year, or so, this will be behind me. I know it could be much worse, I read all of the posts(& I pray.) However, right now, I am ANGRY & I thank God I have this little place to vent without being judged.

Sorry, I wrote a book, but it's really been building up inside of me!!!

Thank you,
Tina

Comments

  • laurissa
    laurissa Member Posts: 773
    Hi, Tina
    I could write the same book! I hate all this crap too. I'm tired and also gained some weight from not doing as much activity and from eating mindlessly. My legs are sore, I get out of breath easier. Going through the chemo is what has made me look sick, not the cancer itself. Hopefully, it's working on the bad cells, too, and making it all disappear. Wish you well.
  • pinkkari09
    pinkkari09 Member Posts: 877
    Oh Tina, I related to
    Oh Tina, I related to EVERYTHING you wrote. We aren't always fine and this is the place we go to find fine :) mine went chemo, surgery, then rads. Chemo is done (not too bad) surgery is next and i'm scared to death of that, waking up and my breasts are gone, boy I'll be asking for help from all of you soon an that one. Anyhoo, thinking of you, big hugs and hang in the best you can, just for today.
    <3
    Kari
  • shortscake
    shortscake Member Posts: 228
    Tina
    Tina let it out, venting makes you feel so much better, You are saying all the things that i have said, I get tired of being strong not showing my family and friends how i am really hurting and feeling because i am the strong one...lol.everything is you hide from them knowing they cant deal with it.I do a lot of crying and they wonder why i take such long showers..lol..We have to tell our self everything is going to be just fine even on our bad days..I always remember god is in charged...girl power
  • natly15
    natly15 Member Posts: 1,941
    Tina so happy you spoke what
    Tina so happy you spoke what is in your thoughts and heart. This is one big challenge for all of us. It's the big C, but we are bigger than the big C. Even tho a cure has not been found, there are so many more things today that help us overcome this disease, however barbaric some of those treatments may seem. When you post here and tell us what you really feel, you get rid of that "dying inside" feeling. We are on this website to get all the tools that will help us live!! The help here is invaluable. We are all walking or have walked the same or similar walk and have also had those thoughts and feelings that you so adequately expressed.

    Your venting is very important to me.
  • mimivac
    mimivac Member Posts: 2,143
    Yep
    Tina, your words are so familiar to me. I have thought those exact same things. I was angry, too, and still am sometimes. Why am I going through cancer and chemotherapy at 34 when all my friends are having babies and getting promotions at work? Why do they look at me with pity in their eyes? I would get so angry picturing them at home, holding their new babies in their arms and thanking God that they weren't me. Pretty petty of me, huh? I wrote about it here a few months ago. And then the guilt would come. How could I be so ungrateful when my cancer was caught early stage? How could I feel sorry for myself when innocent people suffered every day much worse than me? Well, you know what? We all have our tragedies in life and we all have the right to feel angry, alone, and depressed. I also figured out that these feelings lift and that things get better. Expressing these feelings is the first step in working through them. Hugs.

    Mimi
  • marilyndbk
    marilyndbk Member Posts: 238 Member
    Hi Tina. I am so sorry you
    Hi Tina. I am so sorry you are having these feelings. This journey is a long winding road and we are entitled to our feelings. Like the others, I have had these feelings as well. My mother did not survive her bout with bc, and I am the only one of three girls, Thank God, to have been chosen not once, but twice now with bc. The drs say the cancer is gone, as well as both of my breasts, and I am very grateful, but also have not emotionally worked out yet. I have also been chosen to be a survivor. I have faith that God has a good plan for our lives and we will be ok no matter what. Take care of yourself. You don't have to put on that happy face for us. We understand completely. Marilyn
  • dyaneb123
    dyaneb123 Member Posts: 950

    Hi Tina. I am so sorry you
    Hi Tina. I am so sorry you are having these feelings. This journey is a long winding road and we are entitled to our feelings. Like the others, I have had these feelings as well. My mother did not survive her bout with bc, and I am the only one of three girls, Thank God, to have been chosen not once, but twice now with bc. The drs say the cancer is gone, as well as both of my breasts, and I am very grateful, but also have not emotionally worked out yet. I have also been chosen to be a survivor. I have faith that God has a good plan for our lives and we will be ok no matter what. Take care of yourself. You don't have to put on that happy face for us. We understand completely. Marilyn

    Tina,
    You expressed what so

    Tina,
    You expressed what so many of us are feeling so well...thanks
  • Mama G
    Mama G Member Posts: 762
    dyaneb123 said:

    Tina,
    You expressed what so

    Tina,
    You expressed what so many of us are feeling so well...thanks

    I got tears in my eyes when I read that, Tina
    because you put into words how I've been feeling since this crap all began. YES we need to vent. Thank goodness we have this site to go to do that. Also to celebrate with each other as well as just ask a bunch of questions and get input.
    AMEN
  • Kat11
    Kat11 Member Posts: 1,931 Member
    Mama G said:

    I got tears in my eyes when I read that, Tina
    because you put into words how I've been feeling since this crap all began. YES we need to vent. Thank goodness we have this site to go to do that. Also to celebrate with each other as well as just ask a bunch of questions and get input.
    AMEN

    We have to support each
    We have to support each other, this is it. As much as our friends and family try to help, understand, they just can't. Your post said it all.
  • MAJW
    MAJW Member Posts: 2,510 Member
    YEAH TINA!
    You're writings, I believe, have expressed EXACTLY how most of us have felt.....I am so glad that you vented and I pray you feel some better for having let it out to those of us who TRULY understand EXACTLY how you are feeling......I finished all my treatments, surgery, chemo and radiation as of beginning of NOV.....I felt exactly the way you do.......My emotions ran the gamut! One particular incident really sticks with me.....My husband, who has been my rock through all of this, unfortunetly took the brunt of my emotions one day....We had just received the news from the oncologist that I would in fact have to have chemo....we were under the impression that radiation was all that would be needed....when we got in the car after my appointment with the oncologist, I started to cry.......for the first time......My poor husband said........."Are you alright?" I let it all out! "NO," I screamed, "If I were ALRIGHT we wouldn't have just left an oncologist's office with him telling me I have to have chemo because I have BREAST CANCER......."SO NO! I AM FREAKEN NOT ALRIGHT!" As soon as those words were out, I regretted taking out my fear and anger on him and I apologized.....But I think it helped to finally say, "NO I am not alright!" And I think it helped my husband truly understand my fears and anger........

    So, TINA, VENT ALL YOU WANT.......It's your right! And again, I think you spoke for many,many of us..........
    I wish you the very best and keep posting!
    Peace be with you
    Nancy
  • jk1952
    jk1952 Member Posts: 613
    MAJW said:

    YEAH TINA!
    You're writings, I believe, have expressed EXACTLY how most of us have felt.....I am so glad that you vented and I pray you feel some better for having let it out to those of us who TRULY understand EXACTLY how you are feeling......I finished all my treatments, surgery, chemo and radiation as of beginning of NOV.....I felt exactly the way you do.......My emotions ran the gamut! One particular incident really sticks with me.....My husband, who has been my rock through all of this, unfortunetly took the brunt of my emotions one day....We had just received the news from the oncologist that I would in fact have to have chemo....we were under the impression that radiation was all that would be needed....when we got in the car after my appointment with the oncologist, I started to cry.......for the first time......My poor husband said........."Are you alright?" I let it all out! "NO," I screamed, "If I were ALRIGHT we wouldn't have just left an oncologist's office with him telling me I have to have chemo because I have BREAST CANCER......."SO NO! I AM FREAKEN NOT ALRIGHT!" As soon as those words were out, I regretted taking out my fear and anger on him and I apologized.....But I think it helped to finally say, "NO I am not alright!" And I think it helped my husband truly understand my fears and anger........

    So, TINA, VENT ALL YOU WANT.......It's your right! And again, I think you spoke for many,many of us..........
    I wish you the very best and keep posting!
    Peace be with you
    Nancy

    Tina, I'm so sorry that you

    Tina, I'm so sorry that you are in this stage of recovery, but I'm really glad that you chose to express your feelings. I hope that the board can act as a release for the pain, frustration and depression that you are feeling right now. I've had all of the feelings that you are having, and they were so hard. I'm a bit further in my journey with bc (my mastectomy and reconstruction surgeries were in April), and things are so much better now. I pray that God will help to guide you all through your difficult times, and give you peace.

    Joyce
  • survivorbc09
    survivorbc09 Member Posts: 4,374 Member
    MAJW said:

    YEAH TINA!
    You're writings, I believe, have expressed EXACTLY how most of us have felt.....I am so glad that you vented and I pray you feel some better for having let it out to those of us who TRULY understand EXACTLY how you are feeling......I finished all my treatments, surgery, chemo and radiation as of beginning of NOV.....I felt exactly the way you do.......My emotions ran the gamut! One particular incident really sticks with me.....My husband, who has been my rock through all of this, unfortunetly took the brunt of my emotions one day....We had just received the news from the oncologist that I would in fact have to have chemo....we were under the impression that radiation was all that would be needed....when we got in the car after my appointment with the oncologist, I started to cry.......for the first time......My poor husband said........."Are you alright?" I let it all out! "NO," I screamed, "If I were ALRIGHT we wouldn't have just left an oncologist's office with him telling me I have to have chemo because I have BREAST CANCER......."SO NO! I AM FREAKEN NOT ALRIGHT!" As soon as those words were out, I regretted taking out my fear and anger on him and I apologized.....But I think it helped to finally say, "NO I am not alright!" And I think it helped my husband truly understand my fears and anger........

    So, TINA, VENT ALL YOU WANT.......It's your right! And again, I think you spoke for many,many of us..........
    I wish you the very best and keep posting!
    Peace be with you
    Nancy

    We all need to vent from
    We all need to vent from time to time and this is the best place for it as everyone understands what we are going thru! Vent anytime!

    HUGS
  • aysemari
    aysemari Member Posts: 1,596 Member

    We all need to vent from
    We all need to vent from time to time and this is the best place for it as everyone understands what we are going thru! Vent anytime!

    HUGS

    Boy can I relate...
    Hi Tina,

    I read your post and like many on here I really can relate to how you feel. It felt good to know that I am not the only
    one who harbors those feelings. It's like a double sided sword, on the one hand you want to be strong for everyone
    and on the other hand you want to kick and scream. Holding it in makes it harder, so it's nice to be able to vent.
    Thank you for expressing everything I ever felt.

    Ayse
  • Lynda53
    Lynda53 Member Posts: 210
    Tina, you wrote as I have felt
    and so many others too.
    We will all get through this,together.
    Peace
  • TLynn0102
    TLynn0102 Member Posts: 86
    Keep venting
    Tina,
    You did a wonderful job putting your feelings into words...feelings we all have experienced. I am exactly like you, the one everyone tried to keep up with, spotless house, always over organized, the list goes on and on. BC hit me like a rock. I remember when I was told the diagnosis and I spent that evening crying my eyes out. That was the one and only time I cried. I made myself be strong, act as if nothing was going on, did not complain when in pain or feeling sick, I even felt guilty if I would lay down and take a nap. Life for my family went on as usual. Dinner was cooked, laundry done, worked all week long and I did not ask anyone to do anything for me. I will reach my one year anniversary this coming week and am mad as hell now. I am mad that the cancer took away my life as I knew it and I have not really figured out what to do with the life I live now. My husband and I argue all the time and he reminds me daily that I am a real b***ch to live with. My friends think I should be the same as I was before, that the cancer is gone and I am 'cured'. I am stuck in a very bad place struggling to hang on. Don't do what I did and allow the feelings to sit because one day they are going to come to the surface and slap you hard in the face. What I did was absoutley unhealthy, I should have told them exactly what was going on; maybe they would understand what I am going through now. I should have asked for help when I needed it, and gosh I really wish I would have laid around and taken those naps because I am beat all the time now. Anger is a stage and it will pass but until then vent, vent and keep venting its the healthy thing to do!
    Hugs,
    Tracey