Feeling kind of blank, angry ...

Jax2

Hi all.

My names Aaron and I'm really new to all of this, so please forgive the lack of information and possibly understanding everything that's going on.

My father was recently diagnosed with stage 3B lung cancer. I've been reading up on it and I've found out there are different types, but I'm not sure what type my father has. The doctor may have said it, but not that I recall and I haven't seen or heard from him since the diagnosis, just plenty of other doctors.

They're getting ready to start him on Chemo & Radiation on Tuesday, with blood labs on Monday. My stress levels are going through the roof and I'm having a hard time controlling my emotions, but I'm not as scared as I feel I should be.

Anger is the main emotion I'm having a hard time with right now. My father also has very bad emphysema and had a collapsed lung back in March of 2009. I took care of him at home for two weeks after he finally got out of the hospital, so I feel like I'm prepared to do the same thing for him now. The problem is, my sister seems to want "Professionals" to come to the house and take care of him. I resent this completely, especially since she lives in another country, overseas. She is hardly ever here and now that my father is sick, all of a sudden she's moving back to the US when she couldn't have cared less the last 15 years. We got in a massive fight the other night because I felt like I was being told I'm incapable of being a good caregiver. As I said, my anger has been rising since the day we got the diagnosis, and I'm afraid I'm really kind of not myself lately. (Man, I feel like I'm rambling on here).

So here's the deal. I am an unemployed (or underemployed) web designer and live in the same city as my father. I am always available and I want to make myself even more available to him. I can cook, clean, and keep him company. He's the type of man that unless you put food in front of him, he won't actively seek it out, so, like last time I took care of him, I plan on making 3 meals a day. I have a wife and a daughter at home, and my sister outright refuses to let them come stay with me at my fathers house, because, she says, my daughter could get him sick once he's on chemo/radiation. So apparently, I'm going to be alone there with him. He has 3 days of chemo the first week, 4th week and 7th week, as well as radiation 5 days a week for 7 weeks. I will be taking him to every appointment as well, so running back and forth from home to his house doesn't make much sense to me.

I've heard that nights can be very hard on people who are getting chemo/radiation and so I figured I'll probably be spending the nights there as well. All of this is so sudden and there's SO much information and so many questions, and so much to remember I really feel overwhelmed. I need to figure out a good menu for him and make sure I do the shopping right, and most important, I need to figure out how my father and I are going to live under the same roof again without killing each other, as we're both very stubborn people.

Please forgive me, I'm adding things so out of order here, mostly as I think of them, so if it's hard to follow along, I'll try and do better next time I write.

I would love any suggestions about what I can expect to go through while he's on chemo/radiation and how I can maybe make things easier for both him and myself.

Thanks for being patient with my rambling.

Aaron

CherylMike

Chemo/Radiation
Aaron~ My husband had head and neck cancer stage IV, when he was diagnosed in Sept 2007. He had to undergo chemo, then chemo radiation. He had 5 rounds of chemo (could not tolerate the 6th) and 35 radiation sessions. His treatments were extremely aggressive (his radiation sessions were 17 minutes long). He ended up hospitalized twice (over a week each time) due to treatments. I was the sole caregiver for my husband. My in-laws would help (which was greatly appreciated) when I asked. I guess the main thing that I want to convey is that I am sure you are a wonderful caregiver, but you may need breaks (to spend some nights with your family, run errands, just have some time for yourself). I would encourage you to try and make peace with your sister. I am sure that she is afraid, angry etc. But, not at you - at the cancer! I learned throughout my husband's illness that squabbling takes too much energy. You need to have as much support and positive atmosphere as possible. One thing I always kept in mind was that my husband was the person who was ill and he wanted to be around his family. I needed to honor his wishes and discovered along the way that his family was incredibly supportive to me and my three kids. I would also encourage you to ask your doctor for a list of possible side effects and ways to deal with those effects. Mike's skin turned yellow and "sluffed off". I was freaked out until I went online and discovered that this was "normal" for radiation to treat head and neck. Please know that your anger is normal. I would keep things bottled up and then just explode at the smallest thing. I finially figured out that I was mad that cancer had happened to our family. I found out that if I took breaks - walked the dogs, read a book etc. that it made me feel much more at peace. I have three kids and they were around my husband. We were careful when he hit the "nadar" time frame of his chemo treatments. This is the period when your immune system is at it's lowest. I would ask your doctor about having your children around your father and any other issues that you and your sister disagree on. (I would ask your sister to attend that meeting). I will be praying for you~Cheryl

Barbara53

you are on duty
Please forgive yourself and your sister. She is probably as angry and freaked out as you are.

She does have a point that professional help will probably be needed. All through my mother's chemo, she had visiting nurses check on her 3 times a week. This is something to discuss with your father and his doctor (or managing nurse). Get his oncologists' RNs' email address. You will need it.

Unfortunately this situation is now, and by the time your sister moves back you will probably be glad to see her and ready for relief. And though I mean to be gentle here, do remember that none of this is about you. It's about your father and whatever he wants and needs. Nobody gets second chances now.

Learn as much as you can about your father's chemo and how to manage the side effects. There are many different chemo drugs, and I think the ones uses for lung cancer often cause serious constipation as part of their cycle. With my Mom's chemo, she felt good for 2 days after the infusion, and then was in very bad shape for more than a week. I stayed with her for each "bad week," but she has continued to live independently for nearly a year.

I think it's great that you're available to help your father. Isn't that exactly what he wants?

mr steve

Aaron
Aaron,

Get used to it, most men folk will hear that we don't know how to take care of people. Not like a woman. Being a care giver for my wife I get the hint every now and then not so much now a days but when it first started I did. Just remember to take good care of yourself since you can't take care of anyone when you yourself is sick.

and as my wife says "be a tuff cupcake"

Steve

ruthelizabeth

mr steve said:

Aaron
Aaron,

Get used to it, most men folk will hear that we don't know how to take care of people. Not like a woman. Being a care giver for my wife I get the hint every now and then not so much now a days but when it first started I did. Just remember to take good care of yourself since you can't take care of anyone when you yourself is sick.

and as my wife says "be a tuff cupcake"

Steve

Just a thought
Don't know the situation, but there is a possibility that your sister is getting a belated attack of the guilts because she hasn't been back to see your father for a long time. Unfortunately there may be other reasons for her not wanting you to be the principal caregiver. Try to keep an open mind as much as possible.

I would certainly think it would be essential for both of you to see the dr. together to get the facts and the diagnosis details and as much information as you can. That is also the time to discuss ways your children can see their grandfather without endangering him when his immunity is low. Then decide together on the division of caregiving. Unless your father expresses a distinct preference in the matter, you should both be involved. Each of you will need a break and you both will probably cherish this time with your father, even though he may be struggling with side effects during his treatment.

I don't recommend peace at any price because this could effectively cut you off from your father. I do suggest finding a time in a calm, public place like a restaurant or with someone objective with you and discussing the whole situation with your sister. You don't want to alienate her by asking where she was when your dad was sick before, but you do want to see if you can find out why she's being so aggressive about this situation. She may need your support, too, and this is a good way to offer it if that's what you discover is part of the cause for her reaction.

grandmafay

Sibling Rivalry
Sibling rivalry often raises its ugly head at times like this. Anger, jealousy come back from our childhood, and we feel threatened. I've been there, and I'm 63 years old. Now I've decided that I am just going to let the comments go. My suggestion is that you talk with your Dad. What does he want? Does he enjoy seeing your daughter? Does he want professional care? Then, if possible, sit down and calmly discuss with your sister what your father's wishes are and how you are going to get there. Both of you need to talk with the dr. My husband was in and out of chemo and radiation for six years. During that time he never even caught a cold, and he saw his grandchildren regularly. You can take the necessary precautions to minimize the passing of illness. Again, talk to your doctor about this. Obviously,your father should not be exposed to sick people including you and your sister. Children aren't the only ones who get sick.

Also, caring for a person who is going through cancer treatment is not easy. Your sister's help could be a blessing. At some point, professional help might be a good idea. That's not to say that you aren't capable of doing all the caregiving. It means that you may need a break. You need to be able to spend time at home with your wife and daughter. You need to take care of yourself. You also need to know that you are not alone with your fear and anger. Our worlds change when a loved one has cancer. Fear, anger, and even confusion enter our lives. Your sister is going through this, too. Next time you find yourselves butting heads, just stop and think, "What's best for Dad?" Ask your sister the same question. This is really not about either one of you. It's about him. Let go of your egos and concentrate on that. It's not an easy thing to do, but try to keep the drama to a minimum. (Your sister sounds a bit dramatic.)

I can hear from your post that you are a very caring person. Do the best you can. I also get the impression that your sister hasn't arrived on the scene yet. For now, do what you think is right for both you and your dad. Find out what your dad wants. Take care, Fay