About to lose my mother

Melpow

Hi everyone,

I am 24 years old. My father died when I was 5. I am now about to lose my mother. She went into the hospital with shortness of breath on October 15th 2009. She has not been home since. Turns out she had lung cancer, stage 3b. They tried chemo with bad results and about a month of radiation. Now she is in hospice and everyday shes worse. Yesterday, she was calling me "mommy" and asking me to take off her sneakers. Today she told me she was in a popular local mall. When I asked if she was on something to make her this way, the nurse said she refused medicine that morning and that this is the natural progression of the cancer. I don't know what to do. A part of me doesnt want her to give in, but more of me feels like I want her suffering to end. But I feel guilty thinking I want her to die. This is not the way my mom would want the end to be. Seeing her like this and knowing how she was, tears me apart. I also want to be there for her, and most days I visit. But when Im there I cant control my emotions, I get physically ill and cant handle it. I know she is in good hands, I just hate all of this. I feel guilt for not persisting she quit smoking, feel guilt for not having her go to a doctor sooner and overall grief for what her life has become. She is 51 years old and is skin and bones and wearing a diaper. I saw this website and thought I could get support from people who have been down my road before. Does anyone have advice for me? I need it. Thank you all.

indydorsey13

About to lose my mother
Mel

So sorry to hear about the pain that you are going thru... I was surprised when I saw your mom's age ! I am just curious, how old are you ? Cancer is indeed EVIL...
I have 2 daughters, and my husband was diagnosed with Stage III-b inoperable lung cancer on Sept. 28. He is 63, has been very active & we thought basically healthy. He had COPD, but still VERY active... He has had about 26 radiation & 7 chemo treatments... He was hospitalized last weekend...His white blood count is VERY low, energy level VERY low, and he actually seems to be losing grounds... It's so difficult to see someone you love go thru this, and even more difficult to think of giving them up... My heart goes out to you. I surely know how terribly difficult it was for me to EVEN THINK about giving my mother up. We were VERY close !!!! She has been gone about 9 yrs. now.. My sister passed away 8 mo. before my mom. I don't know if you are a spiritual person, but FAITH helps me... We just put one foot in front of the other, and learn to take a day at a time, then an hour at a time, and somedays we just hold on until things get better....My mother had a plaque that said, " God is Greater than ANY problem I have." God does not give us strength for tomorrow today...We MUST take one day at a time during these trying, most diffiult times... I wish I had more comforting words for you, but I am not in a place where I CAN see light at the end of the tunnel, BUT I know I will YOU WILL TO ! indydorsey13

hollydancer

Very hard
I lost my mom 5 months after her diagnosis a year ago. She like yours had shortness of breath. I seemed like out of the blue, so was shocking. My mom also had stage 3b. It is very hard. I couldn't believe she was so sick when she didn't look like it. My mom didn't become confused like yours, so I don't know why your mom is like that. Morphine? But all I know is I wonder if it would have been easier to loose my mom if she didn't in the end understand her fate day to day. As hard as it is to see her this way, if she doesn't understand things as well it may be easier to go. My mom got depressed, and tried to pull herself away from us. Try to go to death mentally. I think knowing was like torture. As her mobility left her she was trapped in this body not being able to walk or, drink etc. Must have been seriously hard mentally. I cry every time I relive her moments. So, I guess my positive thoughts are to try to think of hoping your mom doesn't have to endure the torture of being trapped in her body. Going for a walk in the mall seems way better to me. Every bit of this disease will rob you of the mother you once had. Just love her and cherish her. Give her thin legs a rubdown of keri lotion. Hold her and love her anyway, however hard. As you rub massage her legs or arms take note to every beautiful piece of her and put the warmth of her deep into your heart.

hollydancer

indydorsey13 said:

About to lose my mother
Mel

So sorry to hear about the pain that you are going thru... I was surprised when I saw your mom's age ! I am just curious, how old are you ? Cancer is indeed EVIL...
I have 2 daughters, and my husband was diagnosed with Stage III-b inoperable lung cancer on Sept. 28. He is 63, has been very active & we thought basically healthy. He had COPD, but still VERY active... He has had about 26 radiation & 7 chemo treatments... He was hospitalized last weekend...His white blood count is VERY low, energy level VERY low, and he actually seems to be losing grounds... It's so difficult to see someone you love go thru this, and even more difficult to think of giving them up... My heart goes out to you. I surely know how terribly difficult it was for me to EVEN THINK about giving my mother up. We were VERY close !!!! She has been gone about 9 yrs. now.. My sister passed away 8 mo. before my mom. I don't know if you are a spiritual person, but FAITH helps me... We just put one foot in front of the other, and learn to take a day at a time, then an hour at a time, and somedays we just hold on until things get better....My mother had a plaque that said, " God is Greater than ANY problem I have." God does not give us strength for tomorrow today...We MUST take one day at a time during these trying, most diffiult times... I wish I had more comforting words for you, but I am not in a place where I CAN see light at the end of the tunnel, BUT I know I will YOU WILL TO ! indydorsey13

Be careful of too much radiation
Your story with your husband reflects mine with my mom like a mirror. Yes, have faith in god. Never take on tomorrow, just deal with the day. Minute to minute if necessary. My mom stage 3b inoperable also. My mom passed at 62last year My mom very active, fit etc. But at her 22 radiation she started to loose a bit of energy, needing to lay down for rests a bit more. Be carefull your husband isn't over radiated. They trippled my moms last week and she got radiation phemonia. Her treatment took her out. After 31 treatments, her energy level just dropped and dropped. We took her home but a week later needed oxygen. then two weeks later needed the hospital. Then soon we were asking god to take care of her. The doctors as they need to are throwing as much help as possible giving it their all, but sometimes I think their all can be too much with a body that has gone through so much. Good luck. My prayers are with you.
Hollyd

hollydancer

indydorsey13 said:

About to lose my mother
Mel

So sorry to hear about the pain that you are going thru... I was surprised when I saw your mom's age ! I am just curious, how old are you ? Cancer is indeed EVIL...
I have 2 daughters, and my husband was diagnosed with Stage III-b inoperable lung cancer on Sept. 28. He is 63, has been very active & we thought basically healthy. He had COPD, but still VERY active... He has had about 26 radiation & 7 chemo treatments... He was hospitalized last weekend...His white blood count is VERY low, energy level VERY low, and he actually seems to be losing grounds... It's so difficult to see someone you love go thru this, and even more difficult to think of giving them up... My heart goes out to you. I surely know how terribly difficult it was for me to EVEN THINK about giving my mother up. We were VERY close !!!! She has been gone about 9 yrs. now.. My sister passed away 8 mo. before my mom. I don't know if you are a spiritual person, but FAITH helps me... We just put one foot in front of the other, and learn to take a day at a time, then an hour at a time, and somedays we just hold on until things get better....My mother had a plaque that said, " God is Greater than ANY problem I have." God does not give us strength for tomorrow today...We MUST take one day at a time during these trying, most diffiult times... I wish I had more comforting words for you, but I am not in a place where I CAN see light at the end of the tunnel, BUT I know I will YOU WILL TO ! indydorsey13

Be careful of too much radiation
Your story with your husband reflects mine with my mom like a mirror. Yes, have faith in god. Never take on tomorrow, just deal with the day. Minute to minute if necessary. My mom stage 3b inoperable also. My mom passed at 62last year My mom very active, fit etc. But at her 22 radiation she started to loose a bit of energy, needing to lay down for rests a bit more. Be carefull your husband isn't over radiated. They trippled my moms last week and she got radiation phemonia. Her treatment took her out. After 31 treatments, her energy level just dropped and dropped. We took her home but a week later needed oxygen. then two weeks later needed the hospital. Then soon we were asking god to take care of her. The doctors as they need to are throwing as much help as possible giving it their all, but sometimes I think their all can be too much with a body that has gone through so much. Good luck. My prayers are with you.
Hollyd

Melpow

hollydancer said:

Very hard
I lost my mom 5 months after her diagnosis a year ago. She like yours had shortness of breath. I seemed like out of the blue, so was shocking. My mom also had stage 3b. It is very hard. I couldn't believe she was so sick when she didn't look like it. My mom didn't become confused like yours, so I don't know why your mom is like that. Morphine? But all I know is I wonder if it would have been easier to loose my mom if she didn't in the end understand her fate day to day. As hard as it is to see her this way, if she doesn't understand things as well it may be easier to go. My mom got depressed, and tried to pull herself away from us. Try to go to death mentally. I think knowing was like torture. As her mobility left her she was trapped in this body not being able to walk or, drink etc. Must have been seriously hard mentally. I cry every time I relive her moments. So, I guess my positive thoughts are to try to think of hoping your mom doesn't have to endure the torture of being trapped in her body. Going for a walk in the mall seems way better to me. Every bit of this disease will rob you of the mother you once had. Just love her and cherish her. Give her thin legs a rubdown of keri lotion. Hold her and love her anyway, however hard. As you rub massage her legs or arms take note to every beautiful piece of her and put the warmth of her deep into your heart.

Thank you Holly. She goes
Thank you Holly. She goes in and out of confusion. Some times she knows whats going on, sometimes not. I agree with you that it may be better for her not knowing. Its just so scary for me when shes calling me "mommy". Its just so final the moment you realize she will never mentally be the same. She doesnt seem to be suffering, other than saying she wants to go home. Its just a rough situation anyway you look at it.

Melpow

Melpow said:

Thank you Holly. She goes
Thank you Holly. She goes in and out of confusion. Some times she knows whats going on, sometimes not. I agree with you that it may be better for her not knowing. Its just so scary for me when shes calling me "mommy". Its just so final the moment you realize she will never mentally be the same. She doesnt seem to be suffering, other than saying she wants to go home. Its just a rough situation anyway you look at it.

2 months later
I dont know if this gets posted to the top or if anyone is notified of a reply but i just wanted to say my mother passed the day after i wrote this Jan 4 th 2010. Interesting how the universe works. Its been hard and on my mind constantly. Im strong though. Im no stranger to death and tragedy and at least she isnt suffering. My life will never be the
same but at least its not filled with the heart wrenching emotions of watching my mother fight a losing battle.

Thanks for all your kind words.

cobra1122

Melpow said:

2 months later
I dont know if this gets posted to the top or if anyone is notified of a reply but i just wanted to say my mother passed the day after i wrote this Jan 4 th 2010. Interesting how the universe works. Its been hard and on my mind constantly. Im strong though. Im no stranger to death and tragedy and at least she isnt suffering. My life will never be the
same but at least its not filled with the heart wrenching emotions of watching my mother fight a losing battle.

Thanks for all your kind words.

At Peace
I was sorry to read that your mom had passed, but she is at peace and her sufferiing is over, now is the time to start the transition from watching her suffer to remembering the good times and the times before the cancer entered your lives. You will never get over it, but you will find a place to put that time in your life and be able to remember more of the good times and will find a time to smile again.
Our Prayers and Best Wishes to You, Your Family and Everyone......

Dan (cobra1122) and Margi Harmon

Melpow

cobra1122 said:

At Peace
I was sorry to read that your mom had passed, but she is at peace and her sufferiing is over, now is the time to start the transition from watching her suffer to remembering the good times and the times before the cancer entered your lives. You will never get over it, but you will find a place to put that time in your life and be able to remember more of the good times and will find a time to smile again.
Our Prayers and Best Wishes to You, Your Family and Everyone......

Dan (cobra1122) and Margi Harmon

2 years later
It is coming into 2 years and another holiday season without my mom. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her. Some nights are hard. Sometimes I look at the house I was able to buy and where I am now and feel that my mom would be happy for me. But another side feels that it's nothing if I can't share it with her.

Point is as I'm sure anyone who has suffered loss knows. It never really gets easier. You just deal. Your life has to continue. You wouldn't want anyone to live their life any less in your absence so you must understand that your mother wouldn't either. Cherish the time you have with healthy loved ones. I learned now that you never get that time back

My heart goes out to all those suffering from this awful disease and to their loved ones as well.

3Mana

Melpow said:

2 years later
It is coming into 2 years and another holiday season without my mom. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her. Some nights are hard. Sometimes I look at the house I was able to buy and where I am now and feel that my mom would be happy for me. But another side feels that it's nothing if I can't share it with her.

Point is as I'm sure anyone who has suffered loss knows. It never really gets easier. You just deal. Your life has to continue. You wouldn't want anyone to live their life any less in your absence so you must understand that your mother wouldn't either. Cherish the time you have with healthy loved ones. I learned now that you never get that time back

My heart goes out to all those suffering from this awful disease and to their loved ones as well.

I can relate!
I know how you feel. Sorry you lost your mom. I lost mine in 1989 right before Christmas. She had only been diagnosed in October. Then in 1990, My dad died from lung cancer. That was on the 28th of December. So the holidays have been hard ever since then. And now in March of 2010 , my beloved husband of 46 years passed away after only being diagnosed in January. I wish I could sleep through the whole holiday season. I know they would want me to be happy, but I've lost the spark I had. I have 3 wonderful children & 3 grandsons and try to go on for them. But I feel it's just the motions I'm going through and my heart isn't in it. I'm sure you understand. Be strong & guess we have no choice but to move on but life sure is hard . "Carole"

myparentsdaughter

Melpow said:

2 years later
It is coming into 2 years and another holiday season without my mom. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her. Some nights are hard. Sometimes I look at the house I was able to buy and where I am now and feel that my mom would be happy for me. But another side feels that it's nothing if I can't share it with her.

Point is as I'm sure anyone who has suffered loss knows. It never really gets easier. You just deal. Your life has to continue. You wouldn't want anyone to live their life any less in your absence so you must understand that your mother wouldn't either. Cherish the time you have with healthy loved ones. I learned now that you never get that time back

My heart goes out to all those suffering from this awful disease and to their loved ones as well.

Thank You Mel and Mama3
This is definitely not my social networking site by choice but I find myself here more and more regularly. Who wants to go on facebook when everyone on it have no idea what kind of suffering we're experiencing. I lost my mom to cancer on the 23rd of December after several months of emotional and physical suffering. Now, a year after my dad is battling his own battle. It hurts so much to see his body gets weaker and weaker everyday. New scary symptoms are showing up as time goes by. I love my parents so much and it hasn't been easy losing my mom, but seeing my dad suffers like this makes me want it to end for him. They don't deserve to live their lives in such agony. They're supposed to grow old together and see their children grow up.

Thank you Mel for your updates. I find comfort knowing someone as young as you are can be so wise after having lost both parents. I'm not a very religious person and I often wonder where our loved ones go after they leave us?

nix

grannylove

myparentsdaughter said:

Thank You Mel and Mama3
This is definitely not my social networking site by choice but I find myself here more and more regularly. Who wants to go on facebook when everyone on it have no idea what kind of suffering we're experiencing. I lost my mom to cancer on the 23rd of December after several months of emotional and physical suffering. Now, a year after my dad is battling his own battle. It hurts so much to see his body gets weaker and weaker everyday. New scary symptoms are showing up as time goes by. I love my parents so much and it hasn't been easy losing my mom, but seeing my dad suffers like this makes me want it to end for him. They don't deserve to live their lives in such agony. They're supposed to grow old together and see their children grow up.

Thank you Mel for your updates. I find comfort knowing someone as young as you are can be so wise after having lost both parents. I'm not a very religious person and I often wonder where our loved ones go after they leave us?

nix

Holiday sadness.....
We have all felt the sting of death sometime in our life. The holiday just seem to heighten the loss....but when you actually lose someone around the holiday season, that memory is hard to overcome. I too have been there but it will get better. Our loved ones will continue to live on....look in the mirror, the faces of neices or nephews or your own children. They are there and in the memories that you carry forever in your heart and mind. Share those memories with another and you will feel the presence. May your holidays be alittle brighter each year. God bless. Cheryl

myparentsdaughter

grannylove said:

Holiday sadness.....
We have all felt the sting of death sometime in our life. The holiday just seem to heighten the loss....but when you actually lose someone around the holiday season, that memory is hard to overcome. I too have been there but it will get better. Our loved ones will continue to live on....look in the mirror, the faces of neices or nephews or your own children. They are there and in the memories that you carry forever in your heart and mind. Share those memories with another and you will feel the presence. May your holidays be alittle brighter each year. God bless. Cheryl

thank you cheryl
very well said. Thanks for sharing your words of wisdom :-) nix

Suzygoon

lost my mom also
So sorry, but try to remember that tout Moms life, as you and she knew it "is over". I held my Mom's hand until the end and she thought she was with my Dad, who also had already passed. I like to think she was with him. She was 82 but had never been seriously ill until being diagnosed. She lasted only 6 months. She opted for know treatments. She knew what she was dealing with and accepted her fate with much grace. She had smoked for over 60 years!..I believe there were other things, besides smoking involved so I wish PEACE for your Mom in regards to that. I am a 1 year breast cancer survivor and I am 56. I am probably not finished with this journey but I can honestly say....I would not have my Mom back for 1 minute..the way she was..I am a Christian and I know I will be with both parents again, and we will all be cured of this dreadful disease. Try to hang tuff and its ok to pray for her to go on. To watch her suffer is worse. When my Mom left us, she looked so peaceful, it was a precious moment that I will never forget. Cherish your time with her, none of us are promised tomorrow ..God bless you...I will add you to my prayers...Suzy...