BC book for husbands

helen e

I was looking for a book to help my husband understand what I was going through and some of the terminology that was beig used. I googled this and found a book "Breast Cancer Husband: How to Help Your Wife Through Diagnosis, Surgery and Beyond". It took a while before my husband read it but when he did he said that it was like the words and questions were coming from his own mouth. It was written by a man whose own wife had breast cancer and he interviewed many couples. Just an FYI for anyone whose husband, like mine, expects you to hold all the answers to the questions he has. I read it my self and found it to be very good.It is written by Marc Silver.

CypressCynthia

Thanks for the info. It is
Thanks for the info. It is good to hear that there is a book out there for the guys. My own hubbie has been dealing with this disease too for 23 yrs now and is my personal hero. He has always supported me. However, he is a guy about some things so a book for him might be just the ticket!

crselby

bought it, read it, shared it
I bought this book in June, two days after I was dianosed with DCIS, and read it in a few days. By August, my husband had read the first third of the book and didn't like the way the same questions were asked and answered over and over. !!??? I don't know what he was talking about. But he stopped reading it and hoped I wouldn't be upset. I said, "At least read the 'New Normal' chapter", since I was out of treatment by the second week of September. He still hasn't read it and I am giving it to a someone I know who just had a mastectomy. So much for that. I'm a little bitter that he didn't care enough to keep reading and tough out a little 'boredom' for my sake. Perhaps he's hoping the whole thing will go away and we will go back to the way things were before the beast entered our lives.
~~Connie~~

CypressCynthia

crselby said:

bought it, read it, shared it
I bought this book in June, two days after I was dianosed with DCIS, and read it in a few days. By August, my husband had read the first third of the book and didn't like the way the same questions were asked and answered over and over. !!??? I don't know what he was talking about. But he stopped reading it and hoped I wouldn't be upset. I said, "At least read the 'New Normal' chapter", since I was out of treatment by the second week of September. He still hasn't read it and I am giving it to a someone I know who just had a mastectomy. So much for that. I'm a little bitter that he didn't care enough to keep reading and tough out a little 'boredom' for my sake. Perhaps he's hoping the whole thing will go away and we will go back to the way things were before the beast entered our lives.
~~Connie~~

male vs female responses
Please know that men grieve very differently from women. As a nurse practitioner, I have attended seminars re grieving and the fact that the sexes grieve so very differently is always discussed. The different responses can be a real source of friction. I am not trying to stereotype, but the responses below sure do describe my husband's typical way of dealing with a tough situation. I would add the turtle reaction: he pulls into his shell and denies everything! Hope this helps.

Male Response to Grieving from: http://www.tcfcanada.net/articles/father/men.htm
1. Remain Silent--They will keep the pain to themselves. They appear to not need to communicate about their grief. The non- communication helps them protect themselves against being vulnerable-which to them is "expressing" grief through tears, feelings, sharing.

2. Engaging in "Secret Grief"--This is a method of "solitary mourning" activities, i.e. taking the new puppy for a walk--puppy represents NEW LIFE and crying and feeling as they walk, hug and play with the NEW LIFE. They do this solitary mourning to "spare others from seeing, feeling, experiencing their grief. For most men to do otherwise seems against "cultural expectations".

3. Taking Physical & Legal Action - Many men immediately attempt to bring control to an "out of control' situation by taking physical and legal action for extended periods of time. Others support and reward them for being "assertive and courageous" in their time of grief.

4. Becoming Immersed in Activity - Most men become obsessive about activity. They diligently find things to, occupy their time...all of it. They fill "every waking minute" with work, errands, house activities. This immersion consumes time, energy and thought so there is no time for grief, no time for thinking of the loss had no time for feeling the grief pain.

Kathy09

Thats the one
I also bought this book, it was good for me as well to know what to kinda expect. I still refer to it thru all my treatments.

Cher2063

CypressCynthia said:

male vs female responses
Please know that men grieve very differently from women. As a nurse practitioner, I have attended seminars re grieving and the fact that the sexes grieve so very differently is always discussed. The different responses can be a real source of friction. I am not trying to stereotype, but the responses below sure do describe my husband's typical way of dealing with a tough situation. I would add the turtle reaction: he pulls into his shell and denies everything! Hope this helps.

Male Response to Grieving from: http://www.tcfcanada.net/articles/father/men.htm
1. Remain Silent--They will keep the pain to themselves. They appear to not need to communicate about their grief. The non- communication helps them protect themselves against being vulnerable-which to them is "expressing" grief through tears, feelings, sharing.

2. Engaging in "Secret Grief"--This is a method of "solitary mourning" activities, i.e. taking the new puppy for a walk--puppy represents NEW LIFE and crying and feeling as they walk, hug and play with the NEW LIFE. They do this solitary mourning to "spare others from seeing, feeling, experiencing their grief. For most men to do otherwise seems against "cultural expectations".

3. Taking Physical & Legal Action - Many men immediately attempt to bring control to an "out of control' situation by taking physical and legal action for extended periods of time. Others support and reward them for being "assertive and courageous" in their time of grief.

4. Becoming Immersed in Activity - Most men become obsessive about activity. They diligently find things to, occupy their time...all of it. They fill "every waking minute" with work, errands, house activities. This immersion consumes time, energy and thought so there is no time for grief, no time for thinking of the loss had no time for feeling the grief pain.

your 4 points are so
your 4 points are so accurate. we have dealt with many losses during our marriage and each and every time I am so thankful for my friends. we just deal so differently my need to talk: his need to bury his head in the sand as I call it.
Cher

Angel_4_James

Thank you
Thanks Helen

I read your post to my husband and we are going to find the book for us to read. He chuckled and said he knows better then to ask me a lot of questions. LOL His main one to me is "how are you doing" and he knows that is not always a safe question. Cause sometimes I have way to many feelings running all at once!

Thank you again for this post.

Blessings,
Angel

susie09

Angel_4_James said:

Thank you
Thanks Helen

I read your post to my husband and we are going to find the book for us to read. He chuckled and said he knows better then to ask me a lot of questions. LOL His main one to me is "how are you doing" and he knows that is not always a safe question. Cause sometimes I have way to many feelings running all at once!

Thank you again for this post.

Blessings,
Angel

My hubby read it
My hubby read the book Helen and he said it did help him to understand better what I was going thru. He is the best hubby anyway and has been my rock thru all of this, but, a little extra knowledge never hurts anyone. LOL

♠♣ Susie ♠♣