Rumblings of SUICIDE
My husband was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer in 2005. That year he had two surgeries. He was clean for four years and it showed up again a few months ago. He went through his third surgery a month ago. He's in pain - specifically where his ribs were pushed apart - and great emotional pain. He's a very fearful person to begin with - he's 68. He had bad childhood experiences in hospitals and still carries the trauma with him.
His mother was diagnosed with lymphoma 2 1/2 years ago. She's 90. We live in NYC and she lives in Brooklyn. She's a firecracker and has amazing amounts of energy, but when it comes to my husband and her other son, everything is gloom and doom. If they sneeze, she goes nuts. So, when she was diagnosed and her protocol was to have 1 week's treatment every month for 6 months, we had her move in with us so she would get better care in and out of the hospital. She was with me for 9 months the first go round, and when the lymphoma reappeared, she was with us for 11 months.
My husband was told his cancer had reappeared and would need surgery - and we had her move back to Brooklyn. Heaven knows how long she might have stayed if we didn't demand our privacy. She kept telling us she wanted to move home, but never made a move in that direction. We didn't have so much as a day for vacation or any kind of a break. She left, we went into "cancer mode" and started doing what had to be done.
I know it's not easy. I'm a very anxious and chronically depressed person. I've been medicated for over 25 years now. I function perfectly. My husband is anxious and depressed and refuses to take any meds. He refuses to do breathing exercises. He refuses to walk. He refuses to reach out and talk to anyone. I'm it. The sole recipient of all the feelings he's bottling up.
The one I can't handle is the talk of suicide. He'll wake up from a nap and jauntily walk up to me and say "I just took all the pills in the medicine chest. That should do it." He'll ask me to take him up to the roof and push him. He'll ask me to hold his hand and jump with him. He hasn't talked about shooting himself yet. Not his style. But when there is absolutely no escape from the chatter and patter, I want to run and hide.
Is there anyone else going through this? Is anyone caring for someone who is not taking responsibility for getting themselves ready for what they have to do? Any real motivational ideas I may have missed. Got him tapes. He listens to them at times. I'm just worn out. And I don't have time to be worn out.
I'm an artist and my work is my greatest therapy. I haven't been able to do work for months. Between him and his mother, I'm the go to gal. I am fortunate that I have had help when it came to my mother in law. When my husband went into the hospital for his last surgery, I was staying with him in his room, and I had to be rushed to emergency with an inflamed colon that took 6 days of hospitalization. I have had the young woman who helped with my mother in law helping me lately. Getting the house back in order. Throwing stuff out. Taking control of the few things I can control.
Anyway...enough. I'm just looking for feedback and conversation. Thanks.
Comments
-
"With no direction home"
You seem conflicted about the essential element of this problem, appleyellowgreen. For example, you acknowledge that hub is depressed and then dismiss his activity as theatrics, if I read you right.
It seems to me that at this point the story is more about you than him, which is understandable and regrettable at the same time.
You DO have a tough job, a tougher job than hub has had, to be honest about it, at least from my experience (as a survivor myself). But let us not sell hub's ordeal short. Everything he has experienced is very real and very close to him, as you might imagine if you can move beyond yourself.
I suspect that this is the nut of the problem, and here's the deal, a little thing that you don't hear about much: when you are in CancerLand you are the center of attention and even if you don't want to be there, when you find yourself exiled from CancerLand, for better or for worse, you miss the attention.
You, on one hand, are trying to get back to a semblance of a real life, the life you have known for some time; hub has been the center of attention throughout the course of his disease and wants to stay there, understandable too, by the way, since it may be that this is all he has left.
I would advise that you insist on having a life, that you strongly suggest that you will be a better caregiver by being one who cares for the giver.
If you are not happy with yourself, you ultimately cannot make him happy.
At the same time, you need, based on my read, to get past yourself and to recognize the place where hub is: he is now mortal, he is now at death's door in his mind, whether it is legitimate or not.
I am not an expert, but I would take his threats seriously, not so much that he is going to kill himself (most suicides leave signs in hindsight but I don't think they announce if they want to be successful), but that he needs you.
He needs you more than you can apparently imagine.
Take care,
Joe0 -
Control
I am sorry for both you and your husband. He seems to have decided to take control of the only thing he thinks he has left, where,when, and how to die. So very sad. His talking about it constitutes verbal emotional abuse for you. Counseling will help you even if he will not participate. Does his MD know about this threats? It is important for the MD to know. I have had a personal experience with suicide threats/attempts. My daughter at age 15 hoarded several "nerve pills"(an old perscription that I had negelected to throw away)showed them to me one morning and threatened to take them. It was the anniversay of another young lady in our community successfully taking her life with pills. Fortunately it was not enough to hurt her but she didn't know that it at the time. I sent her on to school that day(didn't know what else to do) and went straight to the counselor at work. She was admitted to a children's phsychriatic hospital that afternoon. Much therapy and a 2nd shorter hospitalization later she/we dealt with her depression. That was 14years ago Thanksgiving week. Today she's dealing with life's ups and downs as well as the rest of us. Some of the advice given me by the hospital counselor was if she threatens or attempts suicide take it seriously, call the police(very hard to do). Take care of yourself! Take advantage of the help you have. Maybe have someone stay with your husband one or two afternoons a week so you can enjoy your art again. You may have to make yourself go but it will be worth it.0 -
Tell his Doc and try this for you!
I am a caregiver for my husband and he is depressed as well, but we have to little girls he is fighting for and they are his life. It is vital that you call his doc and tell them about his comments he will follow through if you don't. I will pray for you and him. Now for you, I know how you feel it is so stressful to be a caregiver and unless you have been one, no one can understand. Not even survivors can. Here is a silly simple suggestion for you...go the toys section of a walmart and buy bath crayons, markers, paints, whatever they have, and take a long shower with music you love and draw, paint whatever you like, if its cheerful leave it up for him to see. They are easy to get off and fun to use. I know it can't compare to the real thing but when its hard to get a minute to do anything something is better than nothing. I hope this helps.0 -
Joe - like the reference,soccerfreaks said:"With no direction home"
You seem conflicted about the essential element of this problem, appleyellowgreen. For example, you acknowledge that hub is depressed and then dismiss his activity as theatrics, if I read you right.
It seems to me that at this point the story is more about you than him, which is understandable and regrettable at the same time.
You DO have a tough job, a tougher job than hub has had, to be honest about it, at least from my experience (as a survivor myself). But let us not sell hub's ordeal short. Everything he has experienced is very real and very close to him, as you might imagine if you can move beyond yourself.
I suspect that this is the nut of the problem, and here's the deal, a little thing that you don't hear about much: when you are in CancerLand you are the center of attention and even if you don't want to be there, when you find yourself exiled from CancerLand, for better or for worse, you miss the attention.
You, on one hand, are trying to get back to a semblance of a real life, the life you have known for some time; hub has been the center of attention throughout the course of his disease and wants to stay there, understandable too, by the way, since it may be that this is all he has left.
I would advise that you insist on having a life, that you strongly suggest that you will be a better caregiver by being one who cares for the giver.
If you are not happy with yourself, you ultimately cannot make him happy.
At the same time, you need, based on my read, to get past yourself and to recognize the place where hub is: he is now mortal, he is now at death's door in his mind, whether it is legitimate or not.
I am not an expert, but I would take his threats seriously, not so much that he is going to kill himself (most suicides leave signs in hindsight but I don't think they announce if they want to be successful), but that he needs you.
He needs you more than you can apparently imagine.
Take care,
Joe
Joe - like the reference, "no direction home."
Yes, like a complete unknown. That's what both my husband and I are feeling. The pressure of the unknown. I have been reading your posts on many other discussion boards, and you have a great deal of insight and compassion for the people you are addressing.
Because of this, I want to say that it is possible that I didn't express my concerns and my appreciation of my husband's situation sensitively enough for you to understand what we are going through.
He is and has been, all his life, a fearful hypochondriac. This is his worst nightmare come true, in many ways. I have been needed by him for so long to convince him that he is going to be alright that - considering the circumstances - just my voice isn't sufficient. He needs to hear from people who are going through and have gone through what he is presently experiencing.
I am on 24 hour call. I don't resent it. I am the nurturer of all nurturers. I am WAY past myself. I just can't really be in his shoes. I can believe a lot of things and convey them to him and try to reassure him, but I do not have cancer. I have other problems, some life threatening, but this is very different and he needs to reach out to other people. I have been - for myself and for him. I don't have the words he needs to hear. I can't assure him that everything will be alright - and that's what he wants me to say.
I can say I believe everything will be alright - but I also believe we're in for a very uncomfortable three months of chemo, and right now I don't think he wants to hear that from me.
I have to be prepared for anything. That's my job. In order to be ready for whatever comes our way and to respond to my husband's needs, I want to know things I can't know until they happen.
I am not taking anything he says lightly re: suicide. I know it must seem a lot easier to him as a possibility than all the struggles that he will go through in the coming months. I just want him to be able to visualize himself as a healthy person enjoying his life again.
He needs to believe it is possible. He needs me desperately. Always has. But he needs some expert advice here too. We are going to be seeing a psycho-oncologist in late January. Sloan Kettering is trying to get that appointment moved up. I'm going to see the social worker next week. We're in therapy together and I go alone. So...after more than 30 years of therapy, I really am able to get out of my own way when it comes to being a caregiver. His problems come first. I will figure out a way to do the things I need to do for myself - even if I have to downsize my work to create some smaller pieces at home rather than at my studio.
Your posts have been inspirational to me and I referred one of them to Steve yesterday. I may be paraphrasing this, but you were talking about what you can gain as part of the cancer experience. The intimacy. The love and caring. There were a lot of other benefits. I'm just trying to get him to be a little lighter. I even made him put on a white sweater yesterday to brighten his outlook.
I'm not just being defensive - really. I am looking for comments that will help both Steve and me and I'm pretty thick skinned right now. Have to be.
Thanks again. - Apple0 -
Need for controlMIMI of 4 said:Control
I am sorry for both you and your husband. He seems to have decided to take control of the only thing he thinks he has left, where,when, and how to die. So very sad. His talking about it constitutes verbal emotional abuse for you. Counseling will help you even if he will not participate. Does his MD know about this threats? It is important for the MD to know. I have had a personal experience with suicide threats/attempts. My daughter at age 15 hoarded several "nerve pills"(an old perscription that I had negelected to throw away)showed them to me one morning and threatened to take them. It was the anniversay of another young lady in our community successfully taking her life with pills. Fortunately it was not enough to hurt her but she didn't know that it at the time. I sent her on to school that day(didn't know what else to do) and went straight to the counselor at work. She was admitted to a children's phsychriatic hospital that afternoon. Much therapy and a 2nd shorter hospitalization later she/we dealt with her depression. That was 14years ago Thanksgiving week. Today she's dealing with life's ups and downs as well as the rest of us. Some of the advice given me by the hospital counselor was if she threatens or attempts suicide take it seriously, call the police(very hard to do). Take care of yourself! Take advantage of the help you have. Maybe have someone stay with your husband one or two afternoons a week so you can enjoy your art again. You may have to make yourself go but it will be worth it.
Mimi -
I hope both you and your daughter are thriving on this New Year's eve. Thank you for your comment. You made me realize that the one other thing he can try to take control of is ME. Not just his death. So - thanks for the insight. Very valuable.0 -
Chatglasus said:suicide
Apple, omg I am so sorry for you. He needs counseling and fast, you must be there also, either with him or in a seperate session. life is hard,yes but this is a cry for help!Meet us in the chatroom any time we are there to talk to.
Glasus - Thanks. We see a therapist together, sometimes, and I see one every week. He is going to see a psycho-oncologist (I never knew they even existed) at the end of January. He has an appointment, but they're trying to move it up. Everything has stopped here for the next couple of days.
Are you in any special chatroom? Thanks again.0 -
potential suicidenicole1211 said:Tell his Doc and try this for you!
I am a caregiver for my husband and he is depressed as well, but we have to little girls he is fighting for and they are his life. It is vital that you call his doc and tell them about his comments he will follow through if you don't. I will pray for you and him. Now for you, I know how you feel it is so stressful to be a caregiver and unless you have been one, no one can understand. Not even survivors can. Here is a silly simple suggestion for you...go the toys section of a walmart and buy bath crayons, markers, paints, whatever they have, and take a long shower with music you love and draw, paint whatever you like, if its cheerful leave it up for him to see. They are easy to get off and fun to use. I know it can't compare to the real thing but when its hard to get a minute to do anything something is better than nothing. I hope this helps.
I'm a survivor, not a caregiver. Is your husband on any medicine which may help- like Xanax? Early-on, the darkest of clouds got close to me. That cloud contained thoughts of suicide. My regular Dr., who could see the emotional struggle I was having with the time ahead of me, started me on Xanax- two 1/2-tabs/day. Did make a major difference, along with pain meds. Just a suggestion. Lotta meds out there which may be able to help.
I must advise you to realise that talk of suicide is often a ploy for attention, and sympathy. In your husband's case, though, I doubt this is a major cause for him to talk of such, as he has major physical issues in play. Thing is, if he really wanted to kill himself, he would be dead. Could be all his talk of it might be his getting used-to the idea of dying. Get the Police involved- then maybe he loses the option of getting Counseling help, rather than being able to avoid a Counselor's help.
Know it's been a rough time for you, past and present. You have my sympathy.
kcass0 -
MedsKent Cass said:potential suicide
I'm a survivor, not a caregiver. Is your husband on any medicine which may help- like Xanax? Early-on, the darkest of clouds got close to me. That cloud contained thoughts of suicide. My regular Dr., who could see the emotional struggle I was having with the time ahead of me, started me on Xanax- two 1/2-tabs/day. Did make a major difference, along with pain meds. Just a suggestion. Lotta meds out there which may be able to help.
I must advise you to realise that talk of suicide is often a ploy for attention, and sympathy. In your husband's case, though, I doubt this is a major cause for him to talk of such, as he has major physical issues in play. Thing is, if he really wanted to kill himself, he would be dead. Could be all his talk of it might be his getting used-to the idea of dying. Get the Police involved- then maybe he loses the option of getting Counseling help, rather than being able to avoid a Counselor's help.
Know it's been a rough time for you, past and present. You have my sympathy.
kcass
Kent - Thanks.
Yes, Steve takes some Xanax. We have an appointment to see the psycho-oncologist at Sloan Kettering at the end of the month and they are trying to move that up so we see someone sooner. All of his meds make him very tired.
Lots of Steve's acting out started as a ploy for attention. He gets a lot of that and now realizes that it's virtually impossible for me to do all the other stuff I need to do for him if all I'm doing is reassuring him.
Getting the police involved is scary. He would have to be in a really desperate mode for me to do that. We have a wonderful therapist that I see who will always take a call. We also have lots of other drs. and therapists he can call if he needs to and I'll make sure he does make that call, if need be.
Thanks for caring and writing. I'm not looking for sympathy - just understanding and friendly advice.
Hope this New Year finds you happy and well.0 -
"Dear Prudence"appleyellowgreen said:Joe - like the reference,
Joe - like the reference, "no direction home."
Yes, like a complete unknown. That's what both my husband and I are feeling. The pressure of the unknown. I have been reading your posts on many other discussion boards, and you have a great deal of insight and compassion for the people you are addressing.
Because of this, I want to say that it is possible that I didn't express my concerns and my appreciation of my husband's situation sensitively enough for you to understand what we are going through.
He is and has been, all his life, a fearful hypochondriac. This is his worst nightmare come true, in many ways. I have been needed by him for so long to convince him that he is going to be alright that - considering the circumstances - just my voice isn't sufficient. He needs to hear from people who are going through and have gone through what he is presently experiencing.
I am on 24 hour call. I don't resent it. I am the nurturer of all nurturers. I am WAY past myself. I just can't really be in his shoes. I can believe a lot of things and convey them to him and try to reassure him, but I do not have cancer. I have other problems, some life threatening, but this is very different and he needs to reach out to other people. I have been - for myself and for him. I don't have the words he needs to hear. I can't assure him that everything will be alright - and that's what he wants me to say.
I can say I believe everything will be alright - but I also believe we're in for a very uncomfortable three months of chemo, and right now I don't think he wants to hear that from me.
I have to be prepared for anything. That's my job. In order to be ready for whatever comes our way and to respond to my husband's needs, I want to know things I can't know until they happen.
I am not taking anything he says lightly re: suicide. I know it must seem a lot easier to him as a possibility than all the struggles that he will go through in the coming months. I just want him to be able to visualize himself as a healthy person enjoying his life again.
He needs to believe it is possible. He needs me desperately. Always has. But he needs some expert advice here too. We are going to be seeing a psycho-oncologist in late January. Sloan Kettering is trying to get that appointment moved up. I'm going to see the social worker next week. We're in therapy together and I go alone. So...after more than 30 years of therapy, I really am able to get out of my own way when it comes to being a caregiver. His problems come first. I will figure out a way to do the things I need to do for myself - even if I have to downsize my work to create some smaller pieces at home rather than at my studio.
Your posts have been inspirational to me and I referred one of them to Steve yesterday. I may be paraphrasing this, but you were talking about what you can gain as part of the cancer experience. The intimacy. The love and caring. There were a lot of other benefits. I'm just trying to get him to be a little lighter. I even made him put on a white sweater yesterday to brighten his outlook.
I'm not just being defensive - really. I am looking for comments that will help both Steve and me and I'm pretty thick skinned right now. Have to be.
Thanks again. - Apple
apple,
That we can convey ideas via a discussion board is both the greatest of ideas and the worst of ideas: It all depends upon the breadth of information submitted and the depth of information suggested, while emotional content and any physical signals are, by the nature of the beast, withheld.
You might argue that such is true even when we are face to face, but I would counter that we DO make certain suppositions, face to face, that tend to be true, while we really cannot make the same suppositions, if we are fair to those who make us their audience, herein.
So, I plead the fifth, beg apology, for misconstruing the nature of your dilemma.
I did not know the extent of on-going therapy for the two of you and certainly was not aware of hub's hypochondria. I am not, now that I know of your dilemma in a slightly more knowledgeable fashion, able to offer advice of any substance. I do not know a hypochondriac, at least to my knowledge, and so cannot fathom how you have endured these many years, especially pre-cancer, for some reason, the reason, I think, having to do with dealing with the guy for so long when everything was NOT REAL and suddenly having to deal with him when it IS REAL.
That must be a shock unto itself.
A double shock of enormous magnitude, I would think.
It sounds as though you are doing all that you can do (being all that you can be) to address the situation. I wish I could help.
I can't.
Okay, I can suggest that you read the winter edition of CURE (Cancer Update, Research, and Education). It is affiliated with ACS (this is not a plug for me, as I am just a poor boy, though my story's seldom told
), wherein they deal with stress for the survivor among a number of other related issues. Try it at curetoday.com. I get it in paper, so have not yet even veried it is on their web page, but suspect it is and, if so, it is worth the look.
One of the articles, apple, advises that there are ways to manage and overcome the stress that leads to depression and anxiety. I related to it, understood it. (Your hub's problem, I suspect, as is the case with many folks, is that the issues preceded the cancer, but it makes the points no less relevant).
Another has the audacity to surmise that there is a SILVER LINING in the cancer experience, if we will only have the common good grace to live long enough to know it, if we will only open our eyes to it. Believe it or not, I subscribe to the notion.
And I am an agnostic.
Welcome, my new friend. I feel for both you and hub. It is not an easy path, and the one that you and hub are walking is made that much more difficult by the complications you mention.
I admire your tolerance, frankly.
Take care,
Joe0 -
The Real Dealsoccerfreaks said:"Dear Prudence"
apple,
That we can convey ideas via a discussion board is both the greatest of ideas and the worst of ideas: It all depends upon the breadth of information submitted and the depth of information suggested, while emotional content and any physical signals are, by the nature of the beast, withheld.
You might argue that such is true even when we are face to face, but I would counter that we DO make certain suppositions, face to face, that tend to be true, while we really cannot make the same suppositions, if we are fair to those who make us their audience, herein.
So, I plead the fifth, beg apology, for misconstruing the nature of your dilemma.
I did not know the extent of on-going therapy for the two of you and certainly was not aware of hub's hypochondria. I am not, now that I know of your dilemma in a slightly more knowledgeable fashion, able to offer advice of any substance. I do not know a hypochondriac, at least to my knowledge, and so cannot fathom how you have endured these many years, especially pre-cancer, for some reason, the reason, I think, having to do with dealing with the guy for so long when everything was NOT REAL and suddenly having to deal with him when it IS REAL.
That must be a shock unto itself.
A double shock of enormous magnitude, I would think.
It sounds as though you are doing all that you can do (being all that you can be) to address the situation. I wish I could help.
I can't.
Okay, I can suggest that you read the winter edition of CURE (Cancer Update, Research, and Education). It is affiliated with ACS (this is not a plug for me, as I am just a poor boy, though my story's seldom told), wherein they deal with stress for the survivor among a number of other related issues. Try it at curetoday.com. I get it in paper, so have not yet even veried it is on their web page, but suspect it is and, if so, it is worth the look.
One of the articles, apple, advises that there are ways to manage and overcome the stress that leads to depression and anxiety. I related to it, understood it. (Your hub's problem, I suspect, as is the case with many folks, is that the issues preceded the cancer, but it makes the points no less relevant).
Another has the audacity to surmise that there is a SILVER LINING in the cancer experience, if we will only have the common good grace to live long enough to know it, if we will only open our eyes to it. Believe it or not, I subscribe to the notion.
And I am an agnostic.
Welcome, my new friend. I feel for both you and hub. It is not an easy path, and the one that you and hub are walking is made that much more difficult by the complications you mention.
I admire your tolerance, frankly.
Take care,
Joe
Joe
I just wrote a really long reply to your letter and in previewing it, managed to erase it. So here we go again.
Thanks for reading my "defensive" response and "getting it" once it was explained. It ain't easy.
I'm a practical broad. I'm a problem solver by choice and profession (when I had a job/business), and right now the problem is getting emotional support for both Steve and myself.
I spent the day on the phone and online with various organizations and hospital groups trying to get help. Cancer Care is just a couple of blocks away from us. Face to face groups, online, phone - for both of us. Caregiver and patient. Sloan Kettering is seeing Steve before his scans on Friday. MRI of the brain and CT of the lungs. I too am agnostic - hope there has been no metastasis, but have a lot of "believers" praying for us just in case I'm wrong. To me it's all about leading a good life.
You did write about the silver lining theory in other posts on other boards, and I am learning to agree with you. I have learned a lot actually. One thing I am constantly learning about is just how much I can do that means something.
I DO get CURE. Have since my dad died in 2001. Great publication. Now they've got the little caregiver supplements too. I'm doing all I can. I'm doing it for both of us, but Steve has to reach out and he's still a little too scared. Our therapist is coming to pay a house call this week. He has the social worker Friday. He has his own therapy call tomorrow afternoon for 20 minutes and a group on Wednesday. We also have a breathing/yoga instructor coming to the house tomorrow at 4. Doing whatever we can.
But - it's not just up to me. The breathing was something he did yesterday. It helped for a day. Now he'll do it again. But he needs someone with him to do these things. Too fearful to do them alone.
So...onward. It's a voyage of discovery. The best way I can look at it without getting more anxious or depressed!
Thanks again.
Adrienne0 -
you are doing a great jobappleyellowgreen said:Meds
Kent - Thanks.
Yes, Steve takes some Xanax. We have an appointment to see the psycho-oncologist at Sloan Kettering at the end of the month and they are trying to move that up so we see someone sooner. All of his meds make him very tired.
Lots of Steve's acting out started as a ploy for attention. He gets a lot of that and now realizes that it's virtually impossible for me to do all the other stuff I need to do for him if all I'm doing is reassuring him.
Getting the police involved is scary. He would have to be in a really desperate mode for me to do that. We have a wonderful therapist that I see who will always take a call. We also have lots of other drs. and therapists he can call if he needs to and I'll make sure he does make that call, if need be.
Thanks for caring and writing. I'm not looking for sympathy - just understanding and friendly advice.
Hope this New Year finds you happy and well.
I just wanted to say how much I envy Steve having you to take care of him. You have arranged every which way to have him continue to feel validated, cared about, because you know that's what he needs. My mother is slipping (ovarian cancer), but she gets buoyed up by small events of caring, and they carry her through the day. It can be a hug from a nurse, a phone call from just the right friend, or even having her favorite contestant win Jeopardy.
This path is feeling more and more like one you walk together, hand in hand, until the end when you let them go. Read the book, Final Gifts. Agnostic or devoted believer, you'll know a lot more about what's going on. In a way, this process is very beautiful.0 -
GiftsBarbara53 said:you are doing a great job
I just wanted to say how much I envy Steve having you to take care of him. You have arranged every which way to have him continue to feel validated, cared about, because you know that's what he needs. My mother is slipping (ovarian cancer), but she gets buoyed up by small events of caring, and they carry her through the day. It can be a hug from a nurse, a phone call from just the right friend, or even having her favorite contestant win Jeopardy.
This path is feeling more and more like one you walk together, hand in hand, until the end when you let them go. Read the book, Final Gifts. Agnostic or devoted believer, you'll know a lot more about what's going on. In a way, this process is very beautiful.
Barbara -
I am learning there are many gifts in this process and I thank you for your acknowledgement of what I am going through. Actually, I told Steve that we were going through it together - it seems more doable that way.
Will look for the book. Jeopardy does have it's rewards. We don't miss it. Have it recorded just in case we're out of the house.
To your credit, it sounds like your mother is also a very fortunate woman to have you.0
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