I am almost done with rads.what is this sadness about?

ppurdin

Hi everyone,I have my 5 boost treatments to do then done with that part of it.I will be taking the Cancer pill for 5yrs.I guess I thought wow I am done with bc.As silly as it sounds,but I have relized today that I will never really be done with it.And that same person that I was don,t really exsist anymore.It changes our lifes for ever.we will always have it in the back of our minds somewhere that it could come back.I read the post where one of our friends in pink had her first mamogram since BC.We have to of course go through that as well.She threw up on the way to the hospital from her nerves.how scary that would be.I want my old self back,but know that isn,t possible.I am sorry I am so down.I don,t let myself get this way often.But had no control today.Thank you for letting me vent.I know I am very lucky they got mine early.So many of you have it alot harder.Thanks for letting me vent.Love and Prayers.(Pat).

KathiM

Aw, Pat...I'm putting my arms around you....
Yes, it's sooooo normal to feel this way. You can't 'go back' to your old life, it's true, but try what I did....making a new life!!!! Sure, cancer figures into it sometimes...remember, I had both rectal and breast...but I don't let it stop me very often.

Tonight I went with a girlfriend to a church in downtown Zwolle that is about 150 years old. There was a concert there, an orchestra and choir singing Handel's Messiah...It was breathtaking!!! This church was built on the gothic idea...with VERY tall 'flying' ceilings, and we were a bit concerned that it would be cold. No worries! Space heaters had been installed...

It reminded me of how far I have come from 5 years ago...when I was so sick and in so much pain. I said a 'thank you, God' prayer right then and there...and at the end, they performed the Hallelujah chorus again and ended with a beautiful version of Amen...

Things DO get better, dearheart...you can vent anytime!!!

Hugs, Kathi

Ritzy

KathiM said:

Aw, Pat...I'm putting my arms around you....
Yes, it's sooooo normal to feel this way. You can't 'go back' to your old life, it's true, but try what I did....making a new life!!!! Sure, cancer figures into it sometimes...remember, I had both rectal and breast...but I don't let it stop me very often.

Tonight I went with a girlfriend to a church in downtown Zwolle that is about 150 years old. There was a concert there, an orchestra and choir singing Handel's Messiah...It was breathtaking!!! This church was built on the gothic idea...with VERY tall 'flying' ceilings, and we were a bit concerned that it would be cold. No worries! Space heaters had been installed...

It reminded me of how far I have come from 5 years ago...when I was so sick and in so much pain. I said a 'thank you, God' prayer right then and there...and at the end, they performed the Hallelujah chorus again and ended with a beautiful version of Amen...

Things DO get better, dearheart...you can vent anytime!!!

Hugs, Kathi

You vent all you want Pat!
I understand totally what you mean Pat. For me, I felt lost because my routine was gone. I was so used to going everyday for 7 weeks and getting zapped that I missed it. I missed the techs, I missed my rads oncologist, I missed the other cancer patients in the waiting room. I had fun there and more importantly, I felt SAFE there. I knew that I was killing any stray cancer cells by being zapped. I never looked at it as sad because of any fear of a recurrence. That will be with me always, but, I am going to put it in the very far back of my mind one day soon. We can choose how to live our lives. And, I choose to LIVE mine and not let bc ruin that for me. I hope and pray that you feel better Pat. We will all party when you finish your zappers! Cake and ice cream ok?

Sue

meena1

I also felt safe when i was
I also felt safe when i was getting chemo and rads. When it stopped, i was happy at first, but then i missed everyone, and i was used to going out everyday for something. I cried!!! But, you will be happy again, you will feel better and stronger, i remember your first posts. Take care..

carkris

Ritzy said:

You vent all you want Pat!
I understand totally what you mean Pat. For me, I felt lost because my routine was gone. I was so used to going everyday for 7 weeks and getting zapped that I missed it. I missed the techs, I missed my rads oncologist, I missed the other cancer patients in the waiting room. I had fun there and more importantly, I felt SAFE there. I knew that I was killing any stray cancer cells by being zapped. I never looked at it as sad because of any fear of a recurrence. That will be with me always, but, I am going to put it in the very far back of my mind one day soon. We can choose how to live our lives. And, I choose to LIVE mine and not let bc ruin that for me. I hope and pray that you feel better Pat. We will all party when you finish your zappers! Cake and ice cream ok?

Sue

I think it is the fear of
I think it is the fear of the unknown too. What is your life going to be like? What is the new you? But the new you is older and wiser, and has gotten through tremondous pain and survived it. As the years go by it gets better. (this is my second primary) but in the beginning it is hard. I too, having been through it once, wonder how I will handle it this time. new cancer different type etc.... I know I ma sick of being sick, and i want to get to experiencing the beauty of life and cherish every moment. But leaving the safety of what you know to what you dont is hard.

ppurdin

Thanks everyone.
Its so nice to know that you guys understand.I know I will come out of this mood.I won,t allow myself to feel sad long.I will put my big girl pantys on and straighten up. but I think sometimes we need to go through being sad for awhile to appriatte being happy again.Love you guys.Love and Prayers.(Pat).

e_hope

i felt the same way
I had the same depressing feeling once I finished treatment. I was expecting to feel this huge weight lifted after enduring 7 months of hell, but little to my surprise... I was deeply depressed. I agree we are forever changed and will always have it in the back of our minds.. when!!!!!!!! With every test you go for there is a high level of anxiety. Even going for a follow up visit with my radiation oncologist at my 6 week post treatment, my anxiety level was so high even my doctor commented on it.

Since completing treatment, I have not been able to sleep. My mind just races and have since started to take sleeping pills to settle my head.

I also find its like once you finish treatment everyone thinks your.... back to "normal". No one understands (or can really) what it's like or how it feels to live with this knowledge in you head. The true terror of WHAT IF!!!

So if it gives you any peace of mind your not alone! The beast changes us forever and some how we need to find peace and "our new self".

(((HUGS)))

lynn1950

ppurdin said:

Thanks everyone.
Its so nice to know that you guys understand.I know I will come out of this mood.I won,t allow myself to feel sad long.I will put my big girl pantys on and straighten up. but I think sometimes we need to go through being sad for awhile to appriatte being happy again.Love you guys.Love and Prayers.(Pat).

I felt the same way, Pat and
I felt the same way, Pat and I needed help after radiation. Don't be afraid to let your oncologist know how you are feeling. Many of us need help once the major treatment is finished. My best to you in the coming new year. xoxoxoxo Lynn

DianeBC

e_hope said:

i felt the same way
I had the same depressing feeling once I finished treatment. I was expecting to feel this huge weight lifted after enduring 7 months of hell, but little to my surprise... I was deeply depressed. I agree we are forever changed and will always have it in the back of our minds.. when!!!!!!!! With every test you go for there is a high level of anxiety. Even going for a follow up visit with my radiation oncologist at my 6 week post treatment, my anxiety level was so high even my doctor commented on it.

Since completing treatment, I have not been able to sleep. My mind just races and have since started to take sleeping pills to settle my head.

I also find its like once you finish treatment everyone thinks your.... back to "normal". No one understands (or can really) what it's like or how it feels to live with this knowledge in you head. The true terror of WHAT IF!!!

So if it gives you any peace of mind your not alone! The beast changes us forever and some how we need to find peace and "our new self".

(((HUGS)))

Safe
I felt the same way that Ritzy and Meena felt, safe at my cancer center when I was getting rads. Part of it was because I really felt like I was doing something that I partially had control over to get rid of the breast cancer. And, I am sure the routine and the bond that I formed with everyone there helped in the safe zone feeling. We all need to be happy when we finally finish rads and move on to either take hormone therapy or not. We have graduated in our fight of bc and that is good. I hope that you soon feel happy Pat!

Hugs, Diane ♥

MyTurnNow

Pat, I, too, understand
Pat, I, too, understand exactly where you are at this stage of treatment. I just finished my radiation treatments on Christmas Eve. I was so excited as the end became closer and closer. But, by the last day, it was bittersweet. I was done but felt lost and sad at the same time. I decided that day that I am the one in control of my emotions. Yes, there will always be the chance of a reoccurance but I'm not going to let that thought rule my life. I am for the most part healthy and there are many, many people out there in worse shape than me. I am going to enjoy each day and give thanks for it. If, down the road I am dealing with this again, I'll deal with it then. For today, I'm living!! Good luck to you as you finish treatments. We'll be here to help you along with way.

pattimc

MyTurnNow said:

Pat, I, too, understand
Pat, I, too, understand exactly where you are at this stage of treatment. I just finished my radiation treatments on Christmas Eve. I was so excited as the end became closer and closer. But, by the last day, it was bittersweet. I was done but felt lost and sad at the same time. I decided that day that I am the one in control of my emotions. Yes, there will always be the chance of a reoccurance but I'm not going to let that thought rule my life. I am for the most part healthy and there are many, many people out there in worse shape than me. I am going to enjoy each day and give thanks for it. If, down the road I am dealing with this again, I'll deal with it then. For today, I'm living!! Good luck to you as you finish treatments. We'll be here to help you along with way.

Wow, I'm glad I'm not the only one....
I felt the exact same way you are all describing! As the last of my booster was happening tears just started rolling down my face! They were tears of joy but also sadness and uncertainty. You get into such a routine that all of a sudden you realize what you just went through for the last 7 months or so. I LOVED my radiation team. As I finished they all were hugging me and crying with me! They even gave me a cake!

You will get better, Pat. You seem like such a sweet person. Anything you need, anytime, let us know.

Ritzy

ppurdin said:

Thanks everyone.
Its so nice to know that you guys understand.I know I will come out of this mood.I won,t allow myself to feel sad long.I will put my big girl pantys on and straighten up. but I think sometimes we need to go through being sad for awhile to appriatte being happy again.Love you guys.Love and Prayers.(Pat).

You are so welcome Pat.
You are so welcome Pat. Anytime you feel afraid or need to vent, you log on here and we will get you thru it. I have had to pull up my "big girl panties" several times. lol

Hugs, Sue

Kathy09

I can relate to your feelings I am just starting my last 5 boost. Just something we will never know on the return. I just deal with each situation as it arises. This is something we have no control over.