When they won't talk to someone?

historianrja

Hi all,

I'm wondering how you help your loved one who refuses to talk to anyone who might be able to help? My mom got a diagnosis of stage IV breast cancer with mets to at least 4 places back in October. She had never been sick before this, and we had no idea anything was wrong. She's undergone radiation therapy on spinal mets that eroded some vertebrae, and is on tamoxifen. She is virtually bed-ridden due to the vertebrae damage.

In the good moments, like right now, she does okay. But the bad moments - which seem to be greatly in the majority these days - she is virtually inconsolable. My mom has a strong faith, but says she is too fatigued to read, pray, or do anything. When her pastor talks to her, she won't tell him how badly she is doing. She refuses to talk to the case worker her oncologist assigned to her. She won't talk to other cancer survivors. She won't even talk to a nutritionist. She just says she is not ready, or doesn't want to talk.

With rare exceptions, she spends most of each day just crying, and can't say if anything is wrong. I just don't know how to help. If it's a good day, I can calm her down. But on the bad days.... ay. It's torture. Are there any good resources that might help give me tips for improving her nutrition or diet, or ideas for how to help if she's not willing to talk?

Thanks for the support, even if you don't know what to say either.

arkansasbrains

hey there.
if i were you...(terrible way to start out, i know. i'm sorry) i would tell your doctor because of the concerns with nutrition. our doctors/nurses have always asked us how my husband is sleeping/coping/eating/etc. they need to know these things because it's important for the healing process i think. i kind of tell them everything, and then go from there... i trust their professional opinion, and that they will give me good advice, but i trust my instincts more if it doesn't sound right to me. sometimes you just need some back up. especially if she's not being up front with her pastor, as a religious woman, you know?
it's totally normal to have an ebb and flow of emotions with this cancer business. but if she's deteriorating, it's a problem.
i'm trying to fatten my husband up these days, and it seems to be working. you have to get your mother to swallow it first. in more ways than one, i guess. please let me know if you need some recipes. or need anything else.
.se.

Barbara53

crises of faith
I was waiting for other folks to chime in, because I anticipate being in your fix in the near future.

Both of my parents are people of great faith, but when death came knocking they ran the other way. I've talked to several pastors about this and gotten many explanations. The best one pointed out that we simply don't know what to do about death, so it makes us fearful and angry. Because she has enjoyed such a healthy life, your mother doesn't even know how to be sick. She is probably grieving the loss of her own life, and it will help her to get her spiritual feet back under her. There is a little book called "When God and Cancer Meet," written by a pastor's wife, which helped my mother come to terms with at least a few aspects of her situation. For the rest, she is in denial, and that's fine.

I can understand your mother's lack of interest in nutrition, but you should continue to set up visits with the pastor and case worker. She may not want to see them, but isolation will make things worse for both of you.

A lot of time I have to talk mom out of her funk, but we don't talk about IT. Instead, the conversation might start with an old recipe, something that happened when we were kids, or something she did years ago. She lights up most when we turn back the clock and visit the old days.

Good luck, h. It's hard.

appleyellowgreen

Just a thought
Hi - It's tough, ain't it.

My husband has had three lung surgeries in four years and is starting chemo on Jan. 12. He won't talk to anyone but me. I can appreciate how you're feeling. It's all on you and you've probably said the same things again and again.

I want my husband to talk to other patients, survivors, professionals, nutritionists - but he's really not ready. There's always an excuse. I have started to use the "c" word more and more so that he can accept what's going on.

Have you spoken to the social worker yourself? You can't always lead a horse to water - sometimes you need to bring the water to the horse. Would a house visit work? I've tried that and it has helped. Feelings just start pouring out when the right questions are asked.

But the feelings are painful. Hard to deny that. Meanwhile - you get the help you need. You can't keep this all to yourself.

My thoughts will be with you tonight when we ring in the New Year. May it bring you some relief.