If I didn't have kids . . .

LC815
LC815 Member Posts: 155
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
Since I got the bad news on Friday that hormonals aren't working on my liver mets, I've been thinking . . . why not get the inevitable over with? Chemo for the rest of my "life"? What kind of life is that? It's only my three beautiful, wonderful daughters that are giving me a will to live, and they felt the need to fight with each other all afternoon yesterday. I hated to do it, but I pulled out the "cancer card" and explained that I got bad news (they knew) and that I could not tolerate their bickering on top of everything. I think that they're pushing me to reassure themselves that I'm okay . . . like, "If she punishes us for (fill in the blank) then she's normal."

I'm too tired. And sad.

~Linda
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Comments

  • Mama G
    Mama G Member Posts: 762
    Don't give up, Linda
    Keep searching, there must be something else they can try...
  • newbiefromcananda
    newbiefromcananda Member Posts: 234
    aww linda ... you poor
    aww linda ... you poor thing.. I guess you right I don't know what to say as I am going thru similiar things....you are right about our children they give us the will do be strong (but drive us crazy at the same time) lol....do what is best for you.. what you feel is right... best of luck to you happy holidays and know "it will all work out" right? :)<3
  • Aortus
    Aortus Member Posts: 967
    ...it's a wonderful life
    I know it's easy for me to say, Linda. For one thing, I've never had cancer (as best I know); for another thing, I'm a guy. But you have more than three - way more than three - reasons to keep up the fight.

    Ever since I left your doctor's waiting room and broke your news to Moopy, we have been talking about how bravely you have been handling the crap that life has given you. We know it comes with a big effort. Moopy even has a good idea of how big an effort it takes. But we also know the will to fight back hard - the will to really LIVE - is not something you have to conjure up. You have it, Linda. In spades. It's so obvious that even a guy can see it.

    A couple of weeks ago I was sitting in the oncology waiting room Moopy was having some blood drawn. I started talking to this retired couple. I assumed the guy was the patient - but when the nurse called HER in, he and I had quite a conversation. Lucy (that was her name, either that or something else) was five years out from her colon cancer and in her second year of being treated for liver mets. To see her laugh, and tell tall tales, and talk a mile a minute on her cell phone to everyone she knew, nobody would ever have guessed she has been on Tykerb and Xeloda for more than a year.

    I'm not trying to say that you should really be charging around the house yelling RAWR! at your daughters. But there definitely is a life after mets, and I know this because I met a woman who is having one. A wonderful life. Again, I realize it comes with a big effort. But you, Linda, are precisely the sort to make that effort. It comes to you naturally. Yours will not be an easy race to run - that much is clear. But the Moopster and I know what kind of person you are. And we're both betting on you to win.

    God Bless!
    Joe
  • teresa41
    teresa41 Member Posts: 471
    Aortus said:

    ...it's a wonderful life
    I know it's easy for me to say, Linda. For one thing, I've never had cancer (as best I know); for another thing, I'm a guy. But you have more than three - way more than three - reasons to keep up the fight.

    Ever since I left your doctor's waiting room and broke your news to Moopy, we have been talking about how bravely you have been handling the crap that life has given you. We know it comes with a big effort. Moopy even has a good idea of how big an effort it takes. But we also know the will to fight back hard - the will to really LIVE - is not something you have to conjure up. You have it, Linda. In spades. It's so obvious that even a guy can see it.

    A couple of weeks ago I was sitting in the oncology waiting room Moopy was having some blood drawn. I started talking to this retired couple. I assumed the guy was the patient - but when the nurse called HER in, he and I had quite a conversation. Lucy (that was her name, either that or something else) was five years out from her colon cancer and in her second year of being treated for liver mets. To see her laugh, and tell tall tales, and talk a mile a minute on her cell phone to everyone she knew, nobody would ever have guessed she has been on Tykerb and Xeloda for more than a year.

    I'm not trying to say that you should really be charging around the house yelling RAWR! at your daughters. But there definitely is a life after mets, and I know this because I met a woman who is having one. A wonderful life. Again, I realize it comes with a big effort. But you, Linda, are precisely the sort to make that effort. It comes to you naturally. Yours will not be an easy race to run - that much is clear. But the Moopster and I know what kind of person you are. And we're both betting on you to win.

    God Bless!
    Joe

    im sorry
    just wanted to say im sorry linda and your dog is very cute,,,



    teresa
  • meena1
    meena1 Member Posts: 1,003
    Please don't give up...this
    Please don't give up...this is a rough journey but you are stronger than you think. I also am stage 4 with mets to liver and bones. I was diagnosed in July 2008 and sometimes i feel like you, "is this worth it"? I have a 19 year old daughter who also gives me a lot of grief,
    she just never gives up! i pray that i can handle this, I also am in treatment for the rest of my life. There are other woman who feel like you..tired and sad. Take care
  • ppurdin
    ppurdin Member Posts: 1,181
    Linda please don,t give up.
    o I am sorry to hear things are not going well for you.I have two grown children that can not be in the same room together long without bickering.I told them one day,its not about who,s right and who is wrong.I want it stopped.i won,t put up with it.They can argue somewhere eles not around me.We have enough to deal with without the bickering.They should respect you more.God Bless you.Love and Prayers.(Pat).
  • tasha_111
    tasha_111 Member Posts: 2,072
    ppurdin said:

    Linda please don,t give up.
    o I am sorry to hear things are not going well for you.I have two grown children that can not be in the same room together long without bickering.I told them one day,its not about who,s right and who is wrong.I want it stopped.i won,t put up with it.They can argue somewhere eles not around me.We have enough to deal with without the bickering.They should respect you more.God Bless you.Love and Prayers.(Pat).

    Linda
    What Aortus said plus everyone else in here. You are one in a million, you are better than this and you will be telling somebody else this in 10 years and think of me... the daft sod! Huge hugs to you Jxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
  • taleena
    taleena Member Posts: 1,612 Member
    Linda... know I'm thinking
    Linda... know I'm thinking about you... and I agree with everything Joe said... you will prevail... Kids... aren't they just the most challanging... heartbreaking, joyful experience one can ever have... It wasn't too long ago that my eldest son and my daughter couldn't be in the same room for 60 seconds before a loud verbal knock down drag out would occur... I can tell you that I don't miss those days... How challanging it must be for you.... but I think you may have hit on something... maybe... if they act that way... they can see that mom is still mom... and she's there... I hope your day gets much better my friend.

    Hugs,

    ~T
  • crselby
    crselby Member Posts: 441
    What if...
    What if 'playing the cancer card' gets the prefrontal lobe (the last part of the human brain to mature) of your daughters young brains to have a growth spurt into thinking beyond themselves? What if they realize that there isn't anything that is more important than your beating down the cancer beast? What if they realize that their fights are over petty, unsubstantial things? What if you shocked them into a better perspective on life? !! You go, Linda!!
    ~~Connie~~
  • roseann4
    roseann4 Member Posts: 992 Member
    Hi Linda,
    You wouldn't be human if you didn't get down over disappointing news. However, your battle is far from over and I know you can live a full life. I have a friend who has been stage IV for 7 years. She is an RN and she teaches yoga! She has had setbacks along the way but they always have found a new protocol that works for quite some time while. Every year she lives is one more year for them to come up with something new. Let yourself feel down for today but please don't let a disappointment take away your hope. If the sadness lasts more than 2 weeks, let your doctors know. Chemo can cause depression and that is also treatable.

    Most important of all is to love yourself. Do something nice for yourself like getting a peticure or getting your hair done. Life doesn't need to be all about the cancer.

    Roseann
  • Kat11
    Kat11 Member Posts: 1,931 Member
    roseann4 said:

    Hi Linda,
    You wouldn't be human if you didn't get down over disappointing news. However, your battle is far from over and I know you can live a full life. I have a friend who has been stage IV for 7 years. She is an RN and she teaches yoga! She has had setbacks along the way but they always have found a new protocol that works for quite some time while. Every year she lives is one more year for them to come up with something new. Let yourself feel down for today but please don't let a disappointment take away your hope. If the sadness lasts more than 2 weeks, let your doctors know. Chemo can cause depression and that is also treatable.

    Most important of all is to love yourself. Do something nice for yourself like getting a peticure or getting your hair done. Life doesn't need to be all about the cancer.

    Roseann

    Hi Linda, I also would have
    Hi Linda, I also would have to agree with Joe. I have to believe for everyday we survive, that there is hope. Please try and continue to fight, we are here for you every step of the way. With love,
    Kathy
  • fauxma
    fauxma Member Posts: 3,577 Member
    Kat11 said:

    Hi Linda, I also would have
    Hi Linda, I also would have to agree with Joe. I have to believe for everyday we survive, that there is hope. Please try and continue to fight, we are here for you every step of the way. With love,
    Kathy

    Linda,
    I cannot add anything

    Linda,
    I cannot add anything to all of the wonderful things that have been said, except that you are important to so many and you are a fighter. You haven't battled this long and hard to give up. And we are here for you. My heart, my prayers and my love is sent to you.
    Stef
  • carkris
    carkris Member Posts: 4,553 Member
    fauxma said:

    Linda,
    I cannot add anything

    Linda,
    I cannot add anything to all of the wonderful things that have been said, except that you are important to so many and you are a fighter. You haven't battled this long and hard to give up. And we are here for you. My heart, my prayers and my love is sent to you.
    Stef

    I cant add anything either
    I cant add anything either except to stay we are with you and keep fighting!!!
  • Moopy23
    Moopy23 Member Posts: 1,751 Member
    Courage and Grace
    Linda, everyone has given true and profound reasons for you to keep fighting. I don't have any new ones. I just wanted to say: your being tired and sad, and thinking "why bother? I have felt the same.

    It feels, to me, like a crushing burden on my heart. I have not been diagnosed with mets, but I am at very high risk. Maybe it will help to know you are not alone in your feelings. I just hope I could find within myself a portion of the quiet courage and grace you have in abundance.
  • jnl
    jnl Member Posts: 3,869 Member
    Moopy23 said:

    Courage and Grace
    Linda, everyone has given true and profound reasons for you to keep fighting. I don't have any new ones. I just wanted to say: your being tired and sad, and thinking "why bother? I have felt the same.

    It feels, to me, like a crushing burden on my heart. I have not been diagnosed with mets, but I am at very high risk. Maybe it will help to know you are not alone in your feelings. I just hope I could find within myself a portion of the quiet courage and grace you have in abundance.

    Linda, life is a gift is the
    Linda, life is a gift is the way I look at it. If your children give you the strength to go on, that is great, but, I would hope that you would also want to go on for yourself. I know so many women that just wanted to give up, women that had fought bc for years, and, they were so glad now that they hung in there as there life has been way more than just fighting cancer. I hope and pray that you find reasons, and, I put the S on there, meaning more than one to continue fighting.

    Leeza
  • New Flower
    New Flower Member Posts: 4,294
    jnl said:

    Linda, life is a gift is the
    Linda, life is a gift is the way I look at it. If your children give you the strength to go on, that is great, but, I would hope that you would also want to go on for yourself. I know so many women that just wanted to give up, women that had fought bc for years, and, they were so glad now that they hung in there as there life has been way more than just fighting cancer. I hope and pray that you find reasons, and, I put the S on there, meaning more than one to continue fighting.

    Leeza

    Linda
    Maybe they are nervous, do not know what to do or how to react,
    I would actually talk to your daughters and explain that "negative energy" in the house does not help you fighting cancer. I would ask for help to beat cancer and explain that in order to win you need cooperation and positive energy in your house.
    They are smart and loving girls and definitely will help you to go through your treatment and enjoy life.

    Yes, try to do something nice for yourself and stay connected. Have you done your holiday shopping? When did you go to the movie?
    Have you mailed holiday cards to your friends. I like what Leeza wrote "Life is a gift" and you are a very strong person. You are an inspiration for this board, so as many people said "please do not give up".
    Hugs,
    New Flower
  • LC815
    LC815 Member Posts: 155

    Linda
    Maybe they are nervous, do not know what to do or how to react,
    I would actually talk to your daughters and explain that "negative energy" in the house does not help you fighting cancer. I would ask for help to beat cancer and explain that in order to win you need cooperation and positive energy in your house.
    They are smart and loving girls and definitely will help you to go through your treatment and enjoy life.

    Yes, try to do something nice for yourself and stay connected. Have you done your holiday shopping? When did you go to the movie?
    Have you mailed holiday cards to your friends. I like what Leeza wrote "Life is a gift" and you are a very strong person. You are an inspiration for this board, so as many people said "please do not give up".
    Hugs,
    New Flower

    Thanks everyone.
    I am feeling a tiny bit better today. Tears are behind my eyes, not yet on my face. You all are right I need to stay connected and find reasons to fight. Dear BF made me see that I need to have people around me -- not just my kids (who can be darling and decorated for me yesterday), but friends, too. Yesterday, I took my last Ativan and went to a friend's house to watch the football game (well, I didn't really watch, I just chatted). It was good to have a little goal of showering, dressing and going out. Today's goal: get through the disgusting barium and have a CT scan. I have no idea when I'll get the results, this being Christmas week. Since I know tumor markers are up, I don't think I'll have much of a surprise. Something's growing in there. I hope it's just the two little liver mets and not a whole lot of anything else.

    Peace,
    Linda
  • mizcaldwell
    mizcaldwell Member Posts: 143
    Alternate Option
    Linda -

    When I was looking into treatments, there was an alternative treatment that an acquaintance was taking. I voted to go with the established treatments - but if I get to the point that the traditional treatment isn't doing it, I will try it. It is not expensive nor is it difficult. You do have to take the liquid every six hours - even one at night - but she (my chiropractor's wife) says it has taken care of her stage 4 breast cancer. It is called Protocel - it was developed by a chemist. I didn't think I could following the dosing regimen working and all - but you might want to try it. I don't think it is contraindicated with our regular treatment. Check it out.

    Lori
  • DianeBC
    DianeBC Member Posts: 3,881 Member
    LC815 said:

    Thanks everyone.
    I am feeling a tiny bit better today. Tears are behind my eyes, not yet on my face. You all are right I need to stay connected and find reasons to fight. Dear BF made me see that I need to have people around me -- not just my kids (who can be darling and decorated for me yesterday), but friends, too. Yesterday, I took my last Ativan and went to a friend's house to watch the football game (well, I didn't really watch, I just chatted). It was good to have a little goal of showering, dressing and going out. Today's goal: get through the disgusting barium and have a CT scan. I have no idea when I'll get the results, this being Christmas week. Since I know tumor markers are up, I don't think I'll have much of a surprise. Something's growing in there. I hope it's just the two little liver mets and not a whole lot of anything else.

    Peace,
    Linda

    Linda
    It is good to read that you feel better and that you got out for awhile. I found that when I did something, anything rather than just sitting at home, it got my mind off of my bc and I had fun. My husband always encouraged me to go see my friends and even though I didnt' want to, I finally gave in and it worked. I wondered if you are on an antidepressant. I don't know if that would help, but, you need to let your oncologist know that you are feeling like this. We are here to help you Linda!

    Hugs, Diane ♥
  • DebbyM
    DebbyM Member Posts: 3,289 Member
    carkris said:

    I cant add anything either
    I cant add anything either except to stay we are with you and keep fighting!!!

    Please keep fighting! Life
    Please keep fighting! Life is worth it!

    Debby