Flipping Mad

Julie 44

I can't even begin to tell you all how flipping mad I am.....After 7 months of being NED I am told I have 4 nods on my liver..I go to the doc on the 4th..to discuss my options and determine what stage it is in...I am so mad that this has happened to me again..Why did I have to get it back when so many other people don't...And I will need another operation. I have had 4 in the last year and 1/2..OK this is so crazy to me...WHY WHY WHY Even though we have 2 insurances we are still paying like crazy and now this on top of it...This will break us.....
BUZZARD I need some more garbage cans these are getting pretty beat up..lol lol
Sorry for all the whining and crying but right now I have had enough of this CRAP..I know it bets the alturnitive but it just pisses me off....Thanks for listening...JULIE

sfmarie

I'm sorry
to hear your dance with NED was sooo short. Yes, you read about people that are NED for YEARS. I agree, why can't that be you. BUT maybe after this round, it will be you. Don't lose HOPE. Hang in there. Marie

JDuke

Hi Julie,
I am sorry to hear
Hi Julie,
I am sorry to hear your news. I can relate to how infuriating this news can be. I was NED for 13 months and just found out that I have an anal cancer metastases to my liver. Only happens in about 10% of cases. I had a really hard time dealing with the news. I have cried, whined, worried, felt sorry for myself and wallowed in how unfair it seems. But...I have also sucked it up, found some humor in it (I know that sounds crazy), reached out to family and friends, educated myself and prayed...A LOT! I found this wonderful group of people just yesterday. I feel like I can contribute and that is empowering. Please stay strong. What you have already been through shows you are a fighter, so hang in there. Remember "Thoughts become things, choose the good ones"

Buzzard

JULIEEEEEEEEE.......
Hold On a minute........Im serious about the trash cans....It works...Now Listen to me, you can get as mad as you want and as pissed as you need to get , and you can also then get back in the saddle and ride...Better to get pissed than to simply give up and feel sorry for yourself. Cancer doesn't give a hoot in hades about anyone or anything so why should you give it anything but a hard time as well. You had 7 months of NED, this doesn't mean your gonna die, its simply a setback, then you'll have another period of NED and someday hopefully sooner than later you'll be NED for life. I know I can sit here and say all this crap because at the moment Im NED also, but it doesn't make a hootin hell if you don't go right back in there and beat it down again. Cancer is not for the weak or weary. That is why we're doing it, so the weak and weary don't have to.
Have your venting session, if ya want you can chew my tail out, I can take it cause I don't have one anymore...LOL..then get your chit back together and do the same thing this time that you did the last time and we'll have another spell of NED until the day comes that we are free and the cure is supplied........and this won't break ya because we never had anything before cancer, and we sure aren't taking nothing with us either, but we will find a way to get by...You got way to many friends in here to do without....and we're here for more than just listening, so if ya need something, even if its a new trash can, let me know...Now, get the business face on girlfriend, playtime is over for a little while but I know you, you'll get NED back pretty durn quick.....You to honery not to...LOL.....Lots of love from Ky....Now show em what your made of !!!..Buzzard

Mike49

Be mad
Take the time to be flippen mad, then breath, focus and kick butt. We will be here to support you and you us. Sorry to hear about the setback, cancer really sucks somedays.

slamb58

In the same boat...
Julie,
I know exactly how you feel. I found out from my pet scan in October that I also had 4 mets in my liver. I underwent a liver resection last October and had 3 mets removed, then did some clean up chemo, and thought I was home free, which I was for about 8 months. Then BAM, I got the devastating news. I feel exactly like you do. I was mad, scared, felt sorry for myself, and just hated to go back on chemo. I've had two cycles and my dr says she will rescan after number 3 to re-evaluate for surgery. I don't really relish the idea of going through another liver resection. But if its a way to get back into NEDville, then I guess it is a small price to pay. This cancer really does suck. I am trying my best to keep a positive attitude, but sometimes it is very hard to do so. I keep telling myself, like the commercial, that I HAVE CANCER, CANCER DOESN'T HAVE ME! I will not let this beast beat me. Hang in there, and keep fighting the fight.

coloCan

Julie I;m sure you didn;t go thru what you already have
to let any setback keep you down for long.I haven't met NED yet but hoping to after current round of FOLFOX. There are many a time I ask myself why am I doing this, when will it end, the pain, discomfort, fear, tingling, fatigue,lack of appetite etc. But on the other hand, where would I be without the chemo,rad, op and more chemo? Probable dead by now so there isn;t much to think about, is there? Steve

KATE58

coloCan said:

Julie I;m sure you didn;t go thru what you already have
to let any setback keep you down for long.I haven't met NED yet but hoping to after current round of FOLFOX. There are many a time I ask myself why am I doing this, when will it end, the pain, discomfort, fear, tingling, fatigue,lack of appetite etc. But on the other hand, where would I be without the chemo,rad, op and more chemo? Probable dead by now so there isn;t much to think about, is there? Steve

That Buzzard!
sits all day
That Buzzard!
sits all day up in his duck blind
reflecting on life and when he opens his mouth,
such wisdom pours out like rain off a roof!
That picture of him belies the articulate man
behind those cammys!
If anyone can give better advice,I've yet to hear it.
He is too tough an act to follow so all I have is;
GOD BLESS US EVERYONE!
KATE :-)

lisa42

be angry, then direct it at fighting the cancer
Hi Julie,

I'm sorry to hear the crappy news you've gotten. I'm angry for you- it's not fair!! Cancer is sooooo lousy, evil, and unfair!!!
(Thank you, by the way, for still taking the time to comment on my thread while you're dealing with your own lousy news- it was appreciated.)
I know the feeling- twice I've had to start up the chemo again after thinking I was NED (it only lasted 5 months the first time, then just 4 months the second time).
I don't know what else to say except that your anger is justified, but don't let it be your undoing. Allow the anger to fester a little while, then you'll need to take the deep breaths and know that you're going to get through this okay, and then direct that anger at fighting the beast and not allowing it to take you over. You will be okay!

God bless,
Lisa

VickiCO

Julie
I tried Buzzard's can-kicking, but it hurt my feet (OH - you meant RUBBER cans??!!??) Anyway, I break dishes. I had a set that I didn't like anyway, dropped one one day and when it shattered, I laughed. Hummm....on to something here. So, when I felt crummy, mad, whatever, I smashed plates, bowls, cups into a big box. I was going to make a mosaic out of the pieces when I am through this journey, but now I think I'll just through them out.

You have a right to be mad. But don't lose sight of FIGHTING as well. You did this before, you can do it again.

Many hugs, Vicki

PhillieG

Julie
Sorry to hear of this setback, but like others have said, it's just a setback. I know that everyone wants to her the word NED but just focus on staying healthy, even if it means some more treatments. As much of a drag as it can be, it beats many alternatives that our there if we do nothing at all.
-phil

AceSFO

Hi, Julie,
I'm sorry to hear
Hi, Julie,

I'm sorry to hear about this setback also. Buzzard and the others had so many useful words of encouragement to which I can only add, give in to being pissed off about it while at the same time try to focus on what's going right in your life. At least we all have this amazing community here on CSN. It's a real lifeline for me, and I'm so grateful for everyone on here.
Hang in there and know that lots of us are pulling for you -
keep us posted,
Adrian

coolvdub

AceSFO said:

Hi, Julie,
I'm sorry to hear
Hi, Julie,

I'm sorry to hear about this setback also. Buzzard and the others had so many useful words of encouragement to which I can only add, give in to being pissed off about it while at the same time try to focus on what's going right in your life. At least we all have this amazing community here on CSN. It's a real lifeline for me, and I'm so grateful for everyone on here.
Hang in there and know that lots of us are pulling for you -
keep us posted,
Adrian

Julie,

at the cancer and use it as a tool to kick cancers a$$. I'm so sorry to hear about the cancer coming back. As others have already said you have already won the fight once, you will it again.

Don

Shayenne

coolvdub said:

Julie,

at the cancer and use it as a tool to kick cancers a$$. I'm so sorry to hear about the cancer coming back. As others have already said you have already won the fight once, you will it again.

Don

I'm also
Sorry to hear about your cancer coming back, and like Don said, you kicked it's butt once, and you can do it again, hopefully it was caught early enough to get, mine sure wasn't, but I always have the hope that it will...

I agree with Clift, get pissed, but don't dwell there too, you will need most of your energy to get through this, and you will! Like people have said on here, this is not a death sentence, many people have lived with this for years. My onc said, we have to look at this like a chronic disease, even though you're cancer free, there's always that fear of it coming back for folks, I'd say just kick it's butt again! you have to keep fighting, I don't think the fight ever goes away, but we can just go with the flow, and not let it take us down, don't let it get to you too much, focus on healing, I've had 5 surgeries in less then a year, I'm still here, and thank the lord everyday! You can do it too!

Hugsss!
~Donna

AnneCan

Julie, Being angry seems to
Julie, Being angry seems to be a normal reaction to your news. The good thing about anger is you can redirect it @ the real culprit, cancer, & use it to fight. I am sorry you have to fight again but it sounds like you have all the tools to do it.

Sundanceh

The Question of WHY?
Hi Julie

In an attempt to provide some insight on your situation, I will try to offer what I've learned from my Cancer experience.

First, let me say that the War on Cancer is seldom won with the 1st battle - rather it takes perseverance and strength to weather the many battles that will ultimately write the chapters of our book when all is said and done.

We have to keep the Mind strong and the Body has to be able to withstand the many battles that Cancer ultimately will wage against us. This is what makes Cancer such a formidable FOE. We have to be able to "outlast" the treatments and the surgeries and all of that is what makes the journey a tough one - and not for the weak minded or the faint of heart.

As for WHY do you get the Cancer or Recurrence and others don't? Well, that's an answer that none of us can really answer for each other - if we're being honest. Why someone can seemingly be cured while another person does not get cured or passes away is the big $64,000 question, isn't it? No body in this world can answer that one, or there would be a cure for it.

I think that all we can do is be glad for those that are not actively battling Cancer and then get our minds right to fight AGAIN and AGAIN for our own situation. We can't worry about Why - we have to worry about what we can do to get another 1/2 step ahead of our Cancers. This is where our energy must be directed.

The subject of NED. This one is interesting because of what it means to the Cancer patient. It's the Pot at the End of the Rainbow - we are taught to go for NED.

I've never been told NED, not once. I've had a couple of 8 and 10 month "breaks" in the action where I was "HOLDING and WAITING." I think that is the important to keep in mind rather than being NED. NED to me means "No Evidence Today" or "No Evidence at this Time" of my life. It does not mean to me that all is well and that is it - Game Over.

Because RECURRENCE is such a tough thing to get a hold of and stay ahead of - all of us worry about Recurrence and "when" will it hit again. I think that the more cycles you pass and the more years that you get out with "no recurrence" tells us more than the term NED, if we're doing OK and how you're feeling.

If I were to make it to Year 5 and Year 10 with no recurrence, it could be in my "rear view" mirror at that time perhaps. But until those dates, it will be always be in the back of my mind. Having said that, I just have to take it one day at a time and do the best with what I've been given. If Cancer shows back up - I have to get after it again, just as I have for the last 5 1/2 years of my battle. This is not what any of us wanted but what we have to do to keep the clock turning. And you must do this as well and I know you can.

I know that you are back in the grief cycle right now - I went through it again. Only, you are in the ANGER phase for right now - and for good reason, this is normal and will get you ready to go and fight again even though you just wish it would go away - I wish it for you as well.

And for the $$$, I have been getting killed over the last 6 years and I've got payments set up for hospitals all around my area - my monthly hospital bills could make a car payment, they are so high, but I just keep paying by the month and hoping things will settle down. But, I'll be paying for many, many moons on these payments and that's just the price we all pay to live in this world. Just do what you can and try not to worry - that is easier said than done - but just make payments each month and try to hang on.

You have been through so much and have had so many surgeries in such a short time - and I know surgery can be daunting. You know what you have to go through and the mind just says, "Why me?" and "Why again." Well, you know the answers to those questions - it's because you have to as we all do - this is what makes Cancer such an insidious beast to fight - he does not sleep, he just waits - but you know what, you will be the stronger of the two and will come out on this - these are the trials of Life that will make you stronger and if you can stand up to this - you can stand up to anything.

I'll leave you with one of my most treasured mottos - and what I would want put on my tombstone:

"Cancer does not define me, but HOW I Live and Fight with Cancer DOES define me."

I am praying and pulling for you in the biggest way to get through this and write your next chapter. I'm here if you ever need me. You can PM me or if you want to talk to me, just let me know. I'm still off work for a couple of more weeks as I'm still trying to recover from lung surgery, so if I can help at all, I will try.

Take care my friend - you've got a friend in Texas!
-Craig

geotina

That Sucks
Well that news just sucks. I don't know how else to put it. Go and have yourself a total freak out but in the end, you were able to beat this monster once, you will just have to do it twice. Regarding the $$$, I got nothing to offer except the words "payment plan". We are on it with the hospital to pay our portion and they are very willing to work with people. Yes it stinks, never thought we would be in this position at our age, but here we are on a payment plan. Ok with me, they don't charge interest, just send in your monthly check. Take care - Tina

Nana b

geotina said:

That Sucks
Well that news just sucks. I don't know how else to put it. Go and have yourself a total freak out but in the end, you were able to beat this monster once, you will just have to do it twice. Regarding the $$$, I got nothing to offer except the words "payment plan". We are on it with the hospital to pay our portion and they are very willing to work with people. Yes it stinks, never thought we would be in this position at our age, but here we are on a payment plan. Ok with me, they don't charge interest, just send in your monthly check. Take care - Tina

Flipping Mad.........
and you have right to be! Dang it!

Julie 44

Nana b said:

Flipping Mad.........
and you have right to be! Dang it!

Thanks
All I can say for right now is thank you one and all...I just need time for it to sink in again and again and again...JULIE