Mother-in-law passed away.....am I to blame?

Hissy_Fitz

My mother-in-law would have been 90 years old in the spring. She had lived with us for the last 6 years. She had been having problems with her heart (CHF) for the last year or so - very tired all the time, short of breath, and she passed out several times. While I was in the hospital in Oct she was ill for several days. I did not see how my husband was going to take care of us both. I came home with an incision that has to be packed twice a day, plus all the lab and chemo appointments. So I asked my brother-in-law and his wife to take my mother-in-law while I did my round of chemo - six months. My SIL was not willing, so they took her back to their hometown and put her in a VERY nice facility for seniors.

My MIL would actually have loved having her own place, except for the cost. Even though she had the money and could easily afford it, she said she hoped she died soon because she could not bear the thought of paying almost 2K a month to stay there.

My husband was not happy about sending his mom off, and the guilt trips she put on him every time they talked made it worse. He predicted she would die of despair within a month. Sure enough, she died this past Sunday - about 6 wks after leaving our house. The official cause of death was congestive heart failure, but my husband is convinced she died of a broken heart. And although he has not said anything accusatory, I am quite sure he blames me to some extent. I feel very guilty about his mother's passing - can't sleep, etc. Was I acting selfishly? Would she have lived longer if I had not insisted on uprooting her?

My doctor gave me his blessing to fly out for the funeral. We leave Friday morning.

mopar

TAKE COMFORT
Please don't blame yourself. EVERYTHING is in the Lord's time. Although our choices and actions in this world affect everything and everyone, there's no way you're being chastized because you were not able to see to your MIL's care. You made the best choice that you could. No one should expect that, given what you are going through, that you were 'selfish' at all. I'm sure it had to be a difficult decision, but there were other family members who just didn't step up to the plate, and that's not your fault.

I know, easier said than done. And knowing me, I would be feeling the same way right now. But in time, I pray that you will be able to reconcile with this (and that your husband will as well), and be able to focus on your health.

Prayers for a safe trip, and that you manage all the emotions at the funeral. Be of comfort that this was her time - it could have happened anywhere, anytime.

(((HUGS)))
Monika

BonnieR

No Blame Game
I am so sorry to hear of your mil, but it was her time. Sounds like her heart was wearing out. I am sure God just called her home, what power you would have if you could be the reason someone lived or dies. sending lots of prayers your way. Bonnie

saundra

Sympathy to you
What about caring for you MIL for six years was selfish? Keep reading the posting on this site. I am in agreement with them. Who can place blame on you when you are struggling with your health? It is hard for all of us when there is no other choice but nursing care. Some things have to be done. God is in control for us all. I will pray that you will leave the guilt behind. Saundra

arbor3

NO GUILT
HI

PLEASE DO NOT FEEL GUILTY. YOU HAD NO OTHER CHOISE, THE WORST THING FOR YOU RIGHT NOW IS TO FEEL STRESSED AND GUILTY. WE ALL HAVE TO BE A LITTLE SELFISH GOING THROUGH WHAT WE ARE GOING THROUGH, AND THINK OF OURSELVES. IT TAKES ALL OUR STRENGTH TO GET THROUGH. I THINK YOU WERE VERY LOVING AND KIND TO HAVE TAKEN CARE OF YOUR MIL FOR 6 YEARS. ONLY GOD KNOWS WHEN OUR TIME IS UP.
MY THOUGHTS ARE WITH YOU
HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!DINORA

Lisa13Q

You are the best
Dear HissyFitz:

When it is time, it is time. Part of grief is anger and your husband just lost his mother, so he may be angry and scared. But your MIL's passing is NOT YOUR FAULT. She was 90 years old had congestive heart failure. Period. I will say a prayer for your family, which has so much stress right now. You are a wonderful woman, who is trying to take care of herself. You have that right!!

kayandok

Dear Carlene,
I'm so sorry that you MIL has passed away. I'm sure you realize that "guilty" is not a feeling. I do understand what you are saying and as women/moms/caregivers we often become "overly responsible" and end up thinking that everything is because of what we do or don't do. You are in no way! guilty for your MIL dying. I'm sure all the emotions are churning around together, so very difficult to separate them all out, but don't beat yourself up on this one!

I'm sure you and your husband are dealing with a lot of different emotions (your cancer, your MIL dying etc etc) and it might be good to sit down and have an honest chat, (guessing how the other person feels leads to a lot of misunderstanding) so you can be an emotional support to one another going forward. I have done this many times and even though it is so painful, Mark and I always feel so much better that it is on the table and we know exactly what we are dealing with and how to support each other.

I hope you have a safe trip and your healing will continue. Take it one day at a time, it does get better.

Warm hugs,
Kathleen