too much going on

breakingfree

i've never had the chance to talk to anyone about this. my family is the type that pretends everything is ok when it's not. we don't want to be pitied. we want to appear that everything is alright. isn't this the american way? don't show your weakness. but i can't handle it anymore. i need to talk to someone. i've never talked to a psychiatrist but i think i should. but i'm poor and scared to. i don't want to ask my parents because they are already dealing with too much. here is my story. i would appreciate your insight. i value other people's opinions so much more than mine. :[
i am a 19 year old female in college.

my father was diagnosed with cancer in 2001. his cancer has spread from his throat to his back to his hip to his lungs and now to his brain. i found out about that this past summer and i have not been able to pull myself together.
over the past couple of years i think i have been suffering from post tramautic disorder/depression/ and bi polar.... i don't have any close friends at college and sit in my room almost every single night friday and saturday by myself. i don't have a roommate. i don't mind being by myself sometimes. but i get sooooo lonely. no one invites me to dinner and when i do go out with people it's so fake it makes me sick. i'm stressed out constantly mainly because of my dad. he started chemotherapy a few weeks ago and last time i saw him he was losing a lot of hair. whenever i talk to him he asks me when i'm coming home. he goes for chemo treatments near my college and i go and sick with him while the medicine pumps into his veins. he looks awful and feels terrible. he is in stage 4 cancer. and although no one wants to say it i feel that his end is near. i dont know how to cope with this. i think i'm suffering from bipolar disorder because times like this i feel soooooooo sad and depressed and nothing can drag me out. i don't want to see people for days and only feel sorry for myself. i don't go out of my way to talk to people because i know they'll reject me. i'm a beautiful fit girl but even though everything looks alright on the outside it's not on the inside. my family doesn't allow anyone to talk to outsiders about this. my mom told me last time when i was home,,, after i had a crying episode, that i must stay strong for my little sibling who shouldn't see me crying. how the **** am i supposed to stay strong when i barely have a grip on my life. i am a sophomore and have no idea what my major is, my dad is dying and no one wants to talk to me about it none of my friends know--- i hate going home. i know that i have to because 'it's the right thing to do' but it makes me sick every time i see him. i avoid him so it's easier for me when he does pass away. i've already prepared myself for this. and every time i think about it i BAWL my eyes out. besides this, i have no friends in college and the guy i've been dating broke up with me... i couldn't tell him what was going on.. i just couldn't. i don't know whom to confide in. i talk to my mom a lot about this. she knows everything i'm going through but tells me to be strong. to look good. and push through school. i'm losing my grip on life. no one wants me. no one cares about me and if my dad dies.... i don't know what i will do. all of my other problems seem so miniscule to this. everyone else caring about bf/gf drama. and i just don't care... my dad is dying... and no one knows. no one knows the truth.

the one thing that has kept me going for a while is my favorite band. the lead singer suffers bipolar disorder and all the lyrics are about pushing through and finding the light at the end. but there is no light. there is darkness. and failure. and hurt and heartbreak. i'm scared of being recognized in fear that someone will know. i will have spilled the family secret. but i dont want to hold on to it. but if its out will my life be better?
:[[[[[ being miserable.

grandmafay

Most colleges have a
Most colleges have a counseling program. You need to see if your school does. If they do, go now. College is hard enough on its own. "Staying strong" is really overrated. My husband lost his battle recently with colon cancer. Both my husband and I were very open with people about his 6 year battle. We found support in places we didn't expect. Contact the local American Cancer Society and ask about support groups. Cancer in the family is very difficult for the whole family. If you have faith, check with your local religious organization. You may have a college chaplain, check that out, too. Seeking help is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of strength that you can recognize your needs and find solutions. Take care and come here when you need to talk. Fay

soccerfreaks

Support
I am having a hard time figuring out what it is that you are hiding, or hiding from. If it is some sort of stigma associated with cancer, let me assure you that cancer is such a popular disease, regrettably, that it is likely that nearly everyone at your college, from the president through the deans and the professors and your classmates and your friends and the cafeteria crew and the police force and whomever else you come into contact with has had or knows someone who has had cancer.

I dare say you would have a harder time finding someone who does NOT know someone with a cancer experience than the other way around.

I would also propose that you not perform a self-diagnosis, vis a vis the 'bi-polar disorder'. As Fay indicates, there are very likely to be professionals at your college or university who are trained to assess your symptoms and thoughts and to then provide TREATMENT best suited to you. Some guy in a band, best intentions and all of that, is not the one to sing you into happiness.

If talking about cancer is a stigma, I cannot imagine what the thought of seeking therapy would be like, but I must agree with Fay that this is the best course of action for you, breakingfree. In addition to whatever help you might receive (free!) via your educational institution, there are any number of enterprises designed specifically to provide such emotional support during these times.

This is a brief list, but a place to start:

Cancer Care, a non-profit org., offers free support and counseling for cancer patients by oncology social workers. They have face-to-face counseling and counceling on the phone. Support groups on the phone are available too and are moderated by an oncology social worker. Call 800-813-HOPE. They can also give you info about financial resources. Check their website: www.cancercare.org

Gilda's Club - www.gildasclub.org - they offer free social and emotional support. Not sure if they may have financial information but check it out just in case.

Live Strong - www.livestrong.org - offers one-on-one support.

American Cancer Society (here) can also give you financial, support, etc. information available in different cities.

Best wishes to your dad and his family.

Take care,

Joe

breakingfree

soccerfreaks said:

Support
I am having a hard time figuring out what it is that you are hiding, or hiding from. If it is some sort of stigma associated with cancer, let me assure you that cancer is such a popular disease, regrettably, that it is likely that nearly everyone at your college, from the president through the deans and the professors and your classmates and your friends and the cafeteria crew and the police force and whomever else you come into contact with has had or knows someone who has had cancer.

I dare say you would have a harder time finding someone who does NOT know someone with a cancer experience than the other way around.

I would also propose that you not perform a self-diagnosis, vis a vis the 'bi-polar disorder'. As Fay indicates, there are very likely to be professionals at your college or university who are trained to assess your symptoms and thoughts and to then provide TREATMENT best suited to you. Some guy in a band, best intentions and all of that, is not the one to sing you into happiness.

If talking about cancer is a stigma, I cannot imagine what the thought of seeking therapy would be like, but I must agree with Fay that this is the best course of action for you, breakingfree. In addition to whatever help you might receive (free!) via your educational institution, there are any number of enterprises designed specifically to provide such emotional support during these times.

This is a brief list, but a place to start:

Cancer Care, a non-profit org., offers free support and counseling for cancer patients by oncology social workers. They have face-to-face counseling and counceling on the phone. Support groups on the phone are available too and are moderated by an oncology social worker. Call 800-813-HOPE. They can also give you info about financial resources. Check their website: www.cancercare.org

Gilda's Club - www.gildasclub.org - they offer free social and emotional support. Not sure if they may have financial information but check it out just in case.

Live Strong - www.livestrong.org - offers one-on-one support.

American Cancer Society (here) can also give you financial, support, etc. information available in different cities.

Best wishes to your dad and his family.

Take care,

Joe

today yesterday tomorrow
he just got put on hospice care today. i went to the appt with him.

on monday i went to my college's counselor and told my story. it was extremely relieving and i have felt much better. i'm still not ready to tell anyone of my friends or anyone for that matter even though this has taken such a toll on me. i don't know how to bring it up. i asked my dad and mom why we don't talk about this openly and they told me it wouldn't be right to burden other people with our own problems, but i think this is a little bit bigger than just my 'own problem'. i have a ridiculously hard time focusing in school and when i don't have crying episodes i just feel guilty.

here are my main concerns:
1. i am very selfish. i don't ever want to go home on the weekends to visit my family because my house makes me so sad. my dad has rashes all over his body and looks awful. all i do is sit with him or take 20 minute walks. he has absolutely no energy and it just makes me that much sadder to be around him. i know he misses me terribly and always asks me when i'm coming home, but it's just easier not to see him even though i know he's going pass sometime soon.
after i found out he was in hospice today, i cried a lot. and my dad cried too. that made me even more sad. i've never seen my dad cry in my life. and he told me that that was life. and we need to make the best of it.
i feel that my parents don't want to make this such a big deal in other people's lives. but i need some outside support. the counselor guy was extremely nice and helpful i feel like i could really trust him but i'm so scared of being judged... or treated differenlty by my friends or peers because they know. who do i tell? whom do i confide in??
that is all for now. i have a HUGE exam tonight which i need to attempt to focus on before i fail out of college too.

thanks for your response.... it was extremely sincere and i appreciate that someone is willing to take the time and respond to me. .......

mr steve

breakingfree said:

today yesterday tomorrow
he just got put on hospice care today. i went to the appt with him.

on monday i went to my college's counselor and told my story. it was extremely relieving and i have felt much better. i'm still not ready to tell anyone of my friends or anyone for that matter even though this has taken such a toll on me. i don't know how to bring it up. i asked my dad and mom why we don't talk about this openly and they told me it wouldn't be right to burden other people with our own problems, but i think this is a little bit bigger than just my 'own problem'. i have a ridiculously hard time focusing in school and when i don't have crying episodes i just feel guilty.

here are my main concerns:
1. i am very selfish. i don't ever want to go home on the weekends to visit my family because my house makes me so sad. my dad has rashes all over his body and looks awful. all i do is sit with him or take 20 minute walks. he has absolutely no energy and it just makes me that much sadder to be around him. i know he misses me terribly and always asks me when i'm coming home, but it's just easier not to see him even though i know he's going pass sometime soon.
after i found out he was in hospice today, i cried a lot. and my dad cried too. that made me even more sad. i've never seen my dad cry in my life. and he told me that that was life. and we need to make the best of it.
i feel that my parents don't want to make this such a big deal in other people's lives. but i need some outside support. the counselor guy was extremely nice and helpful i feel like i could really trust him but i'm so scared of being judged... or treated differenlty by my friends or peers because they know. who do i tell? whom do i confide in??
that is all for now. i have a HUGE exam tonight which i need to attempt to focus on before i fail out of college too.

thanks for your response.... it was extremely sincere and i appreciate that someone is willing to take the time and respond to me. .......

Breakingfree
If you don't spend time with your Dad now you will miss him even more if he passes. Take the time to go on the 2o min walks if that is all he can do sit down on a park bench and just talk or go to your old fishing hole or hunting spot or where ever you spent time together. If the people you know treat you differently the they are not your friends a now is a good time to find out so you know you can't count on them.

grandmafay

Sharing
My husband just died from cancer. We had a 6 year battle with cancer before that. From the beginning we shared with our friends, family, and church family. Since his death, many people have actually thanked me for being so upfront with his diagnosis, treatment, etc. They said it gave them permission to share. They considered my husband inspirational. Some people even came forward to share their stories about cancer. The love and support everyone gave us was amazing. One thing I learned was that most people want to help and be there for you. Try sharing your concerns with just one person and see how that goes. I think you will be surprised. Someone close to you at school may already be wondering and worried about you. Go back to see the counselor. Also, Hospice is there for the patient and the family. Ask them for help.
About seeing your Dad, our sons are very grateful that they saw their father often. They got closer to him over those last 6 years. Today they have happy memories without regrets. I know its sad to see him as he is now. He knows that, too. Just be sure you tell him you love him. Send him notes from school. Cry if you need to. Go when you feel you are able. You are not alone. We are here. Fay

breakingfree

grandmafay said:

Sharing
My husband just died from cancer. We had a 6 year battle with cancer before that. From the beginning we shared with our friends, family, and church family. Since his death, many people have actually thanked me for being so upfront with his diagnosis, treatment, etc. They said it gave them permission to share. They considered my husband inspirational. Some people even came forward to share their stories about cancer. The love and support everyone gave us was amazing. One thing I learned was that most people want to help and be there for you. Try sharing your concerns with just one person and see how that goes. I think you will be surprised. Someone close to you at school may already be wondering and worried about you. Go back to see the counselor. Also, Hospice is there for the patient and the family. Ask them for help.
About seeing your Dad, our sons are very grateful that they saw their father often. They got closer to him over those last 6 years. Today they have happy memories without regrets. I know its sad to see him as he is now. He knows that, too. Just be sure you tell him you love him. Send him notes from school. Cry if you need to. Go when you feel you are able. You are not alone. We are here. Fay

**** my life.
i was admitted to the hospital for alcohol poisoning last night. i don't remember anything that happened.
i feel like my life is spiraling out of control.

mr steve

breakingfree said:

**** my life.
i was admitted to the hospital for alcohol poisoning last night. i don't remember anything that happened.
i feel like my life is spiraling out of control.

Breaking free
You need to find someone at your school that you can talk too. before your life does get out of control. It is a long dark road to come back from it's best to stop now befor you go too far.

Steve

sue Siwek

breakingfree said:

**** my life.
i was admitted to the hospital for alcohol poisoning last night. i don't remember anything that happened.
i feel like my life is spiraling out of control.

i can't believe that the
i can't believe that the hospital didn't insist that you stay and have counseling. listen to me, you need help! ask for it! it is not a sign of weakness to admit that you need help it is a sign of strength. my husband has had brain cancer and parkinsons for 10 yrs., i have been his sole care giver. our 4 adult children and their wives and children help but is mostly me. my husband and i have both had counseling over this. please, please, go to your college health clinic and fess up! ask for their help and you will get it. ask to be put on an antidepressant i am and it helps, and cut out the drinking or at least tempor it. i am worrying and thinking about you let this site know how things are. get busy, go see a counselor!

grandmafay

breakingfree said:

**** my life.
i was admitted to the hospital for alcohol poisoning last night. i don't remember anything that happened.
i feel like my life is spiraling out of control.

Warning
OK, now you have had a warning. Please, get help now. Alcohol won't solve anything. You need to see the counselor now. They are there to help you. You are dealing with more than you can handle on your own - more than most people can handle on their own. Help is out there. Only you can ask for it. Do it. As a mother, I am really worried about you. College is important, but if you can't handle it right now, do what you need to do to heal yourself. Fay

tiny one

breakingfree said:

**** my life.
i was admitted to the hospital for alcohol poisoning last night. i don't remember anything that happened.
i feel like my life is spiraling out of control.

hanging on
I hear you! I feel you crying out, wanting this pain to stop. In order to heal, you have to feel, to hurt. There is a moment of darkness, that we make a decision to end the pain or to get up and try to get better. It's hard to do, I know because I've been there quite a few times. For me I chose to do an outpatient program. Now when I look back on everything I see all that I would've missed. Know this, you are ultimately the one in charge, only you. With help the pain gets more manageable and ceases. I still have my dark days, the days that I fight to stay here on earth. For me it's thoughts of my one son and husband that keep me here. It is sometimes a day to day struggle. Please stay here with all of us.

grandmafay

breakingfree said:

**** my life.
i was admitted to the hospital for alcohol poisoning last night. i don't remember anything that happened.
i feel like my life is spiraling out of control.

Hey, we haven't heard from
Hey, we haven't heard from you in a couple of days. How are you? Just don't forget we care. Fay

breakingfree

grandmafay said:

Hey, we haven't heard from
Hey, we haven't heard from you in a couple of days. How are you? Just don't forget we care. Fay

just me.
so my mom was shocked. pissed. and now just straight up worried.
i think i'm doing ok.. but not really. i know that last week was stupid. and i shouldn't have done that but i think it should have happened too. i skipped my counseling appt today because i didn't want to bring this back into my life. if it's hidden it doesn't exist. i haven't seen or spoken to my dad since last wednesday... when i found out about hospice. i could hear him coughing in the background when i talked to my mom.
i think i'm going home this weekend. i guess to spend more time with him. i just feel that forgetting and cutting him out of my life is the easiest thing to do so i don't have to suffer. he has basically lost all life in him. why should i always make myself sad by being around him when we don't do anything. every time i even think about him i begin to feel sad.... like now..... i just don't know which way to swing.
what will be easiest? and how the hell am i supposed to face my mom and my dad... after my alcohol stint. this upcoming weekend will just be miserable if do go home. :[
so all in all nothing has changed... i'm just in an ok mood because i havn't been around the situation and havn't had to deal with it. yup that's me at this point. i don't know what's coming next in my life. i want to turn my life around but classes are just so damn hard and i don't have the focus to study hard.

grandmafay

breakingfree said:

just me.
so my mom was shocked. pissed. and now just straight up worried.
i think i'm doing ok.. but not really. i know that last week was stupid. and i shouldn't have done that but i think it should have happened too. i skipped my counseling appt today because i didn't want to bring this back into my life. if it's hidden it doesn't exist. i haven't seen or spoken to my dad since last wednesday... when i found out about hospice. i could hear him coughing in the background when i talked to my mom.
i think i'm going home this weekend. i guess to spend more time with him. i just feel that forgetting and cutting him out of my life is the easiest thing to do so i don't have to suffer. he has basically lost all life in him. why should i always make myself sad by being around him when we don't do anything. every time i even think about him i begin to feel sad.... like now..... i just don't know which way to swing.
what will be easiest? and how the hell am i supposed to face my mom and my dad... after my alcohol stint. this upcoming weekend will just be miserable if do go home. :[
so all in all nothing has changed... i'm just in an ok mood because i havn't been around the situation and havn't had to deal with it. yup that's me at this point. i don't know what's coming next in my life. i want to turn my life around but classes are just so damn hard and i don't have the focus to study hard.

Hang in There
Now, I'm going to sound like the Mom I am. Call the counselor and make a new appointment. The hurt, anger, and helplessness you feel is not going away. You may think it does, but it doesn't. My husband ended up flunking out of college when his father died. He was able to go back and finish, but he found that not dealing with his grief didn't help in the long term. You will never forgive yourself if you don't go see your father. Since Hospice is now involved, call your local Hospice. They have programs to help those of us (family members) who are dealing with cancer and will be left behind. It is really hard to deal with the death of a parent no matter how old you are. They know that and can help. Your family sounds a great deal like my husband's. His mother refused to talk about his father's death. That just made it harder on everyone. I can't emphasize enough how important it is that you get help. Take care and hang in there. Come here as often as you need. Fay

Barbara53

breakingfree said:

just me.
so my mom was shocked. pissed. and now just straight up worried.
i think i'm doing ok.. but not really. i know that last week was stupid. and i shouldn't have done that but i think it should have happened too. i skipped my counseling appt today because i didn't want to bring this back into my life. if it's hidden it doesn't exist. i haven't seen or spoken to my dad since last wednesday... when i found out about hospice. i could hear him coughing in the background when i talked to my mom.
i think i'm going home this weekend. i guess to spend more time with him. i just feel that forgetting and cutting him out of my life is the easiest thing to do so i don't have to suffer. he has basically lost all life in him. why should i always make myself sad by being around him when we don't do anything. every time i even think about him i begin to feel sad.... like now..... i just don't know which way to swing.
what will be easiest? and how the hell am i supposed to face my mom and my dad... after my alcohol stint. this upcoming weekend will just be miserable if do go home. :[
so all in all nothing has changed... i'm just in an ok mood because i havn't been around the situation and havn't had to deal with it. yup that's me at this point. i don't know what's coming next in my life. i want to turn my life around but classes are just so damn hard and i don't have the focus to study hard.

time for a few incompletes
Yer name says it all. Don't you wish you could break free?

I have a daughter in college, and she had a bad semester a couple of years ago. It was hard picking up the pieces, academically speaking. What can you take an Incomplete in? It's usually better than an F on your GPA, especially with required courses. When you take them the second time and do well, the Incomplete disappears.

I guess I'm saying that I don't think it's realistic to perform in school and deal with your father's death at the same time. So, if you can scale back to courses you know you can pass, maybe the seme$$ter won't be a total loss.

Sticking with someone who is dying is difficult, but what they really want is a bit of company, not being alone. When you go home, is there a friend or neighbor's house where you can sleep where you won't hear the coughing? You need rest to do this hard job.

Your age is a hard time of life under great circumstances. You over alcohol'd to deal with the pain, my daughter used to cut herself. It gets better. This is temporary. Say it like a mantra.

breakingfree

Barbara53 said:

time for a few incompletes
Yer name says it all. Don't you wish you could break free?

I have a daughter in college, and she had a bad semester a couple of years ago. It was hard picking up the pieces, academically speaking. What can you take an Incomplete in? It's usually better than an F on your GPA, especially with required courses. When you take them the second time and do well, the Incomplete disappears.

I guess I'm saying that I don't think it's realistic to perform in school and deal with your father's death at the same time. So, if you can scale back to courses you know you can pass, maybe the seme$$ter won't be a total loss.

Sticking with someone who is dying is difficult, but what they really want is a bit of company, not being alone. When you go home, is there a friend or neighbor's house where you can sleep where you won't hear the coughing? You need rest to do this hard job.

Your age is a hard time of life under great circumstances. You over alcohol'd to deal with the pain, my daughter used to cut herself. It gets better. This is temporary. Say it like a mantra.

weekend november 6th
i saw him this weekend. and it wasn't as bad as i thought it was going to be. he gets sicker and sicker every day though so i feel like i need to come down and see him as much as i can.

i feel that he is extremely depressed and awkwardly quiet... he doesn't care that my sisters and i are rowdy. he just sits there patiently and watches tv. he is on oxygen full time now. and often can't catch his breath. i'm kind of putting this in perspective for myself. it's realty.
my mom and i talked for a little bit and she started crying at one point because i know she is dealing with the biggest burden having to always take care of him. and even though she and him say it will be ok. we all know it's not going to be ok the only way out is death.


right now i'm watching the tragedy that happened in texas. it really makes me sad for those innocent people who are struggling.
:[

i feel that i cannot live my life normally because i have this on shoulder. i feel needed to go home and miss out on college. i hate school. i can't quit because i'm scared i will stop my motivation even more and might never go back. i need to finish. i can't just stop. what would i do....
btw. my dad STILLLLLLLLLL goes to work. with his oxygen and his shortness of breath.
just so he doesn't have to sit at home alone.

i'm going back to my counselor on friday and i'm actually really looking forward to it.

grandmafay

breakingfree said:

weekend november 6th
i saw him this weekend. and it wasn't as bad as i thought it was going to be. he gets sicker and sicker every day though so i feel like i need to come down and see him as much as i can.

i feel that he is extremely depressed and awkwardly quiet... he doesn't care that my sisters and i are rowdy. he just sits there patiently and watches tv. he is on oxygen full time now. and often can't catch his breath. i'm kind of putting this in perspective for myself. it's realty.
my mom and i talked for a little bit and she started crying at one point because i know she is dealing with the biggest burden having to always take care of him. and even though she and him say it will be ok. we all know it's not going to be ok the only way out is death.


right now i'm watching the tragedy that happened in texas. it really makes me sad for those innocent people who are struggling.
:[

i feel that i cannot live my life normally because i have this on shoulder. i feel needed to go home and miss out on college. i hate school. i can't quit because i'm scared i will stop my motivation even more and might never go back. i need to finish. i can't just stop. what would i do....
btw. my dad STILLLLLLLLLL goes to work. with his oxygen and his shortness of breath.
just so he doesn't have to sit at home alone.

i'm going back to my counselor on friday and i'm actually really looking forward to it.

Glad
I am glad to hear that you are going to the counselor. It sounds like you have made some real progress in dealing with this difficult time. I'm not going to tell you to quit college. That's a decision you will have to make. Talk it over with the counselor. It is difficult to go back if you quit. Both my husband and I did that. As I said before, my husband flunked out after his father died. He chose to go to a community college closer to home for awhile. I quit because of some health issues and went to work for awhile. We were both able to go back. When I quit I was able to just withdraw from my classes without penalty because of the health issues. I know that our college also allowed this for serious family issues. Explore your options. Then make the best decision for you and your family.

You're right about your mother getting hit the hardest. Caregiving is very difficult. She must live with your father's cancer 24/7. She sees his deteriorating health every day. I've been there, and it's tough. You can be there for both your parents without being physically there. Our sons called us regularly. One son sent emails almost every day. A friend sent us post cards that just said she was thinking about us. Those things really helped. Hang in there! We care. Keep in touch. Fay

bluerose

Your idea to want to confide in someone is THE RIGHT WAY TO GO
Hello Breakingfree, First of all I want to tell you I love your name you use on here - especially with all you are going through and I want to tell you that I think you are already a very strong and perceptive young lady given the fact that you know what you need to do for your own good - break free.

When we are faced with huge challenges in life we are not meant to carry those burdens alone and there is NOTHING WRONG with people realizing you have issues. There is nothing to be ashamed of, life happens and sometimes we need help getting through patches.

I agree with one of the people who responded to your posting, I would look into the counselling section of your university. They are confidential I am sure and you will be able to get a counsellor there no doubt who you will be able to confide in and look to for guidance as to what your next step should be in dealing with all your grief and stress. Are you spiritual at all? You could always go to the church of your choice too, around campus or on campus, and speak with the minister there if you are more comfortable with that? There are places to go like these where you won't have to pay for help - the above two are starts and they, from there, will guide you if they feel you need further input elsewhere. I'm sure that they will, so just start there.

You asked at the end of your posting if your life will be better if you shared your story?
Absolutely you will feel better just getting the story out to a professional but the decision to tell your family you are in counselling is up to you. Maybe wait and ask the counsellor how to handle that too before you have that talk with the family, just an idea.
Get the counsellors input on that too, first session perhaps, he/she will better know what to do in that regard if you are so worried about spilling things to someone out of the family.

I don't see that you are thinking in any way that is out of the ordinary for grieving but I do think that you absolutely need to share with both with a professional as I described above and with this site which is very helpful as so many on here have been where you are in many of your challenges.

You need to get this out FOR YOU, everyone grieves differently and maybe the rest of your family don't need to share but, YOU DO. Do this for yourself and for your future as you still, even in all of this right now, need to continue your focus on your studies and that won't be easy. In life we often have many balls to juggle with troubles and issues and we have to learn how to do that with the minimum of disruption to our psyche and daily life.

Please keep us posted on your progress, you should like a young lady who is wise beyond her years in recognizing that she needs the help, many don't and pay the price. All the best in your first contact with the counsellor at school, do keep us posted. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Blessings, Bluerose

grandmafay

How Are Things?
Just wanted to check in with you. I hope you saw the counselor. Let us know how you're doing. Fay

breakingfree

grandmafay said:

How Are Things?
Just wanted to check in with you. I hope you saw the counselor. Let us know how you're doing. Fay

sweet and sour
Sooooo
1. I went to the counselor again, and this time I didn't cry very much. We had a normal conversation just about life. I think I'm past the point of going to the counselor now. I don't know if I have anything to talk about with him anymore.

2. I told someone. Actually I told a few people.
I told 1 friend about a week ago. I just spent 20 minutes and told her everything that I was going through and she was really considerate and I really felt that I could trust her. We were outside so I didn't have the chance to really break down even though I still cried. This was the first time I'd told someone what I've been longing to tell.. It felt good.

I then told my Biology Professor and met with him to catch up on work that I missed from missing multiple lectures--> due to my alcohol/hospitalization stint and times when I would go be with my dad instead of attend class. He was very rude about the situation and I was very upset afterward. He told me that I should just let go. If my dad has accepted that he is passing then I should too and I really need to focus more on my studies. I'm riding a c+/b- in that class. He kept going on and on about how 'is modern medicine really worth it?' you should feel lucky he's made it so far. I felt very frustrated because I really was making an effort to turn my studies around and I felt that he didn't see this as such a big issue. He simply told me that I need to not go home so much and accept the fact of what is going on. I was very polite during this entire time but when I walked out I really felt like I should have stood up for this. The thing is, my dad has NOT accepted he's dying. He's still alive obviously. My prof blatantly wanted me to accept the inevitable and I wasn't prepared for that at all. I was expecting sympathy instead of 'pull your **** together because your dad probably doesn't want you to do so poorly like you are in your courses.' At the end of the day though I know he's right. My studies have suffered a lot because of this and no med school is going to be alright with me getting **** grades. I know that.... I just have to keep playing the teeter totter. I'm staying here this weekend and going home for Thanksgiving break Wed-Sunday next week. Maybe I needed this slap of realty, because I've been feeling so sorry for myself lately.

I told 2 more of my friends just because I felt like I was being fake with them. ALways hanging out and pretending everything is alright and then sort of going through a depression all by myself when we split.

Today, I told my anthropology professor, and for the first time I didn't cry.
I feel that the more people I've told the more stable I've become with this. Simply because others know. I don't have to hide from it or lean on it anymore all by myself.

Then I talked to my mom. She has been constantly texting me telling me she loves me and telling me she misses me and wants me home, but I also really NEED to focus on school.
I can't afford to pause my life because of this.
I know this is selfish... SO SELFISH... :[ but I just can't. I wish I had had this little bit of strength a few weeks ago so my grades weren't as **** as they are right now. I'm pulling a C+ in one course, C+/B- in another course, B- in another course, and an A in English.

Last time I spoke with my dad was yesterday and he was asking when I was coming home.
Next week is Thanksgiving. I'm worried that I will not have this will to work after I go home and resee everything that is going on. My other professor said I can def raise my grade to a B, maybe a B+ and possibly even an A- if I really work hard.
It's been 2 weeks now since I found out about hospice. I think talking about it has REALLLLY helped me and I sincerely regret not having talked about this with at least a few of my close friends of the past couple of years- when all this **** started.
I really have been suffering all this by myself because I didn't have the guts to go against what my parents were so subtly enforcing. I felt that I had to behave exactly like them... when really I was just hurting myself. // Randomly crying even in high school and really not confiding in my friends.

At this point I've told those whom I really trust here at the University and some profs because I felt that I needed to really confront them and tell them that i've been missing class and don't know whats going.
The fact that I live an hour from home separates me from this situation and i havn't had to deal with it until someone calls or contacts me.
I guess we'll see after thanksgiving.

I don't know if I want to tell my friends from back home. I feel that I am back to standing on 2 feet for a little tiny bit anyway and maybe still having my outlet even though I probably won't spend THAT much time with them over break, will at least still be there for me.

Now that my head is a little bit cleared, I really want to thank you people for being there for me. I honestly didn't know where to turn to a few weeks ago. I couldn't talk to my mom about this because she was so caught up in the moment. I felt that I HAD to tell someone or I would just not be able to make it myself. I'm sure this is just a pocket of hope I'm experiencing. In fact I know that I will probably cry multiple times when I see my dad next week..... happens every time I see him because he looks so awful. But at this point I really appreciate all the advice. I am just trying to figure this whole mess out with myself and I guess writing it down is the best outlet I have so far.
I love you guys. Really.

I'll let you know any new developments. For now I'm going to go study for my Biology exam so I can hopefully do better on Monday's exam.

THANK YOU! xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

breakingfree

bluerose said:

Your idea to want to confide in someone is THE RIGHT WAY TO GO
Hello Breakingfree, First of all I want to tell you I love your name you use on here - especially with all you are going through and I want to tell you that I think you are already a very strong and perceptive young lady given the fact that you know what you need to do for your own good - break free.

When we are faced with huge challenges in life we are not meant to carry those burdens alone and there is NOTHING WRONG with people realizing you have issues. There is nothing to be ashamed of, life happens and sometimes we need help getting through patches.

I agree with one of the people who responded to your posting, I would look into the counselling section of your university. They are confidential I am sure and you will be able to get a counsellor there no doubt who you will be able to confide in and look to for guidance as to what your next step should be in dealing with all your grief and stress. Are you spiritual at all? You could always go to the church of your choice too, around campus or on campus, and speak with the minister there if you are more comfortable with that? There are places to go like these where you won't have to pay for help - the above two are starts and they, from there, will guide you if they feel you need further input elsewhere. I'm sure that they will, so just start there.

You asked at the end of your posting if your life will be better if you shared your story?
Absolutely you will feel better just getting the story out to a professional but the decision to tell your family you are in counselling is up to you. Maybe wait and ask the counsellor how to handle that too before you have that talk with the family, just an idea.
Get the counsellors input on that too, first session perhaps, he/she will better know what to do in that regard if you are so worried about spilling things to someone out of the family.

I don't see that you are thinking in any way that is out of the ordinary for grieving but I do think that you absolutely need to share with both with a professional as I described above and with this site which is very helpful as so many on here have been where you are in many of your challenges.

You need to get this out FOR YOU, everyone grieves differently and maybe the rest of your family don't need to share but, YOU DO. Do this for yourself and for your future as you still, even in all of this right now, need to continue your focus on your studies and that won't be easy. In life we often have many balls to juggle with troubles and issues and we have to learn how to do that with the minimum of disruption to our psyche and daily life.

Please keep us posted on your progress, you should like a young lady who is wise beyond her years in recognizing that she needs the help, many don't and pay the price. All the best in your first contact with the counsellor at school, do keep us posted. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Blessings, Bluerose

Thank you for your post. I
Thank you for your post. I DO NEED THIS FOR MYSELF. I know I need this for myself.