The Post Panic Stage

mimivac

tgf said:

taking care of myself
This may sound stupid or silly ... but ...

I had my lumpectomy 1/21 ... finished chemo the end of May and then did the 6-7 weeks of radiation. Now all I have is daily tamoxifin pills ... and herceptin infusions every 3 weeks until March. Then what? I can't say that I'm afraid or paranoid of what might be going on in my body ... because I've gone through is whole thing with the belief that "It is what it is." My "problem" ... is that I miss the attention. I know that sounds totally stupid ... but ... all of the professionals I've been dealing with are wonderful and I feel as though I am their only patient. I guess I'm suffering from some strange withdrawal of attention ... and feeling special. I know that sounds silly ... but it's like ... now there's nothing anyone is doing to "help" me ... and it's all up to me now ... or a big crap shoot. I just feel like I should be DOING more than I am doing. After the past few months ... taking a pill just seems so easy. My chemo was taxol/herceptin ... and NEVER felt sick or had any nausea. All of my side effects were doable ... and maybe I'm just having the feeling that I haven't "suffered" enough. I know I should be thankful ... but .....



hugs.
teena

Understandable
Teena, I had the same feeling. There was a certain comfort in seeing doctors and nurses who took good care of you, knew your history, and were dedicated to making you well. Then all of the sudden, you're alone. Although I was happy to be done with treatment, I went through some of that same withdrawal. I wanted the reassurance that I would be fine, and I wondered what bad things could be growing in my body when I was not being watched as closely. I guess it subsides over time. I also thought that I should be suffering more. It's like I thought I had somehow gotten away with something, and that it would all catch up with me at some point. But we have both done everything we could to chase away the beast and yes, we have suffered. I think there is some survivor's guilt involved, too. I think it gets easier.

Mimi

tgf

mimivac said:

Understandable
Teena, I had the same feeling. There was a certain comfort in seeing doctors and nurses who took good care of you, knew your history, and were dedicated to making you well. Then all of the sudden, you're alone. Although I was happy to be done with treatment, I went through some of that same withdrawal. I wanted the reassurance that I would be fine, and I wondered what bad things could be growing in my body when I was not being watched as closely. I guess it subsides over time. I also thought that I should be suffering more. It's like I thought I had somehow gotten away with something, and that it would all catch up with me at some point. But we have both done everything we could to chase away the beast and yes, we have suffered. I think there is some survivor's guilt involved, too. I think it gets easier.

Mimi

Mimi
Thanks for your words. Some times I think I'm nuts for feeling that way ... but when I hear that others feel the same ... it makes it a bit easier. Guess it's just part of the insecurity of knowing cancer got me once ... so it just might hit me again. It just seemed more "comforting" knowing those doctors and nurses were monitoring me ... and now it's up to me to take care of myself. And I know what a pain in the neck I can be ... so I've got my hands full :-)

I guess I do have some survivor's guilt ... and I do hope it gets a bit easier.

big hugs.
teena

marilyndbk

Hi. I have been feeling
Hi. I have been feeling some of the same things. My original dx was in 2001. Had lumpectomy and 33 rads.. Aug, 2009 cancer returned in same breast. I am 6 wk post op from bilateral mastectomy with Latissimus flap reconstruction with expanders. It does get easier and hopefully you will never hear those words again. We have to have faith that God has a good plan for our lives. I often wonder why I was chosen to have bc, not once but twice. My therapist suggested I ask myself why I was chosen to be a survivor. I am grateful for the loving support of family and friends. Nobody understands like my pink sisters on this board. Take care of yourself. Bless us all. Marilyn

KathiM

You are not alone!
We all have had (and have) these fears. I'm almost 5 years out, and I still have my panic moments...

I guess what I do is say to myself "Well, yeah, you HAVE been through alot! And you have every right to worry about the future, you hit a BIG curve in the road when cancer struck. So, do things that make you happy. And accept that there will be times you don't feel hopeful. But then, don't dwell...whatever happens, happens...". And then I find a movie to watch to make me laugh.

BIG hugs for a return to 'normal'....even if it is a 'new' normal!

Hugs, Kathi

gentleraven

KathiM said:

You are not alone!
We all have had (and have) these fears. I'm almost 5 years out, and I still have my panic moments...

I guess what I do is say to myself "Well, yeah, you HAVE been through alot! And you have every right to worry about the future, you hit a BIG curve in the road when cancer struck. So, do things that make you happy. And accept that there will be times you don't feel hopeful. But then, don't dwell...whatever happens, happens...". And then I find a movie to watch to make me laugh.

BIG hugs for a return to 'normal'....even if it is a 'new' normal!

Hugs, Kathi

Feeling the panic again after 7 years out
Hi everyone,

I'm new to the forums. I'm 7 years out was diagnosed in August 2002 and was staged at Stage IIIC. I went through Chemo and Radiation and then on the last day of my Radiation therapy I lost it on my way out the door of the room and broke down. My Radiologist was awesome that day she sat me down and helped me calm down and told me that it was okay to be scared and that it was okay to panic. She told me don't let it consume me and to try to go on with my life and keep hope and don't forget to smell the roses along the way. That was then and eventually I got over it and starting living life. About 2 years ago I met my current husband and moved from California to Canada to be with him and we have a beautiful 18 month old son. I haven't been able to get to a doctor to make sure I'm still in remission since he was born and it weighs heavily on my mind but I finally was able to get a doctor appointment set for November 25th and now I'm feeling panic again. I don't have any symptoms and feel fine physically but I'm scared to death it's back and if it comes back I know there is a good chance it's gonna be Stage IIII. I can't seem to get past the negative thinking and think positive that after all this time I'm still fine and in remission. Every little ache and pain I automatically think it's some evil sign of it returning but I know in my heart that it's not. I love what Mimi said and I'm going to try to just sit with the feeling for a bit and remember all the wonderful things I have in my life and that I have this beautiful baby boy to see grow up into a wonderful young man. You guys are wonderful and I just hope that I can once again find the same peace I've had for the past several years.

Huggs, GR

mimivac

gentleraven said:

Feeling the panic again after 7 years out
Hi everyone,

I'm new to the forums. I'm 7 years out was diagnosed in August 2002 and was staged at Stage IIIC. I went through Chemo and Radiation and then on the last day of my Radiation therapy I lost it on my way out the door of the room and broke down. My Radiologist was awesome that day she sat me down and helped me calm down and told me that it was okay to be scared and that it was okay to panic. She told me don't let it consume me and to try to go on with my life and keep hope and don't forget to smell the roses along the way. That was then and eventually I got over it and starting living life. About 2 years ago I met my current husband and moved from California to Canada to be with him and we have a beautiful 18 month old son. I haven't been able to get to a doctor to make sure I'm still in remission since he was born and it weighs heavily on my mind but I finally was able to get a doctor appointment set for November 25th and now I'm feeling panic again. I don't have any symptoms and feel fine physically but I'm scared to death it's back and if it comes back I know there is a good chance it's gonna be Stage IIII. I can't seem to get past the negative thinking and think positive that after all this time I'm still fine and in remission. Every little ache and pain I automatically think it's some evil sign of it returning but I know in my heart that it's not. I love what Mimi said and I'm going to try to just sit with the feeling for a bit and remember all the wonderful things I have in my life and that I have this beautiful baby boy to see grow up into a wonderful young man. You guys are wonderful and I just hope that I can once again find the same peace I've had for the past several years.

Huggs, GR

GR,
Welcome and congrats on your 7-year survival. How wonderful. I totally understand the panic. I am having my annual mammogram with ultrasound in November, too, and am starting to feel some panic as well. You are most likely fine, but you need to keep an eye on things -- all of us survivors do. Think how great it will feel once you have your exam and are declared to be clear. And please don't assume that a recurrence will automatically be a distant metastasis. It could just as well be local. It really could. But most signs point to no cancer at all. My best to you.

Mimi

gentleraven

mimivac said:

GR,
Welcome and congrats on your 7-year survival. How wonderful. I totally understand the panic. I am having my annual mammogram with ultrasound in November, too, and am starting to feel some panic as well. You are most likely fine, but you need to keep an eye on things -- all of us survivors do. Think how great it will feel once you have your exam and are declared to be clear. And please don't assume that a recurrence will automatically be a distant metastasis. It could just as well be local. It really could. But most signs point to no cancer at all. My best to you.

Mimi

Thanks Mimi
Thanks Mimi,

I know most indications are that I'm fine but when you haven't been seen in a while and a new doctor and all makes it scary. I'll let you know what I find out once I go the appointment. I am looking forward to getting to know everyone on this board. I'm feeling a bit homesick so hopefully this will help.

Thanks again,

Gr