My heart is just breaking

pattynonews

My heart is just breaking, I read the hospice book and I see what is happening, I see him disconnecting from me,they say that is his body way of moving on, He stays away about 6 hours out of a 24 hour period, We have to go the the onoologist to see if there are any other options, or do we just stay on hospice, the rollercoaster is crazy, I need to figure out to continue Im trying to read the books but I dont know if they will help, All I see is Jack is slipping away, We been together 15 months and 12 of them has been dealing with cancer, I thought when I met Jack we would have forever, Im just so lost without him he is here but menally he is not his body his here, , He will wake up tell me he loves me and he is still fighting, it breaks my heart, I was given a second chance with an amazing and now Im losing him, Any one has any words of wisdom for me

Love Patty

B 1

There really is no Wisdom just love.
Dearest Patty:

First, be glad for the time you have spent with Jack. You usually only get one amazing man in your life so hold on to him. It will not be your decision to continue on, but Jack's. You must support whatever decision he makes. If he is still fighting, then you must also fight. Even if he should decide he does not want to fight any longer, you must continue to fight. You will need to protect and keep him safe and pain free until the very end.

Be kind and gentle to yourself.

Use the resources your oncologist gives you. Also I found a book when Dad was diagnosed with lung cancer. Final Gifts, Understanding the Special Awareness, Needs, and Communications of the Dying by Maggie Callanan and Patricia Kelley. An wonderful tool to understand some of the strange things that will happen.

It gave me an understanding of what was happening. So that in those final days when I talked to my Mom I knew what was happening, I had the chance to spend the last 48 hours with him. He has been gone just over 3 years. We are now dealing with Stage IV breast cancer with my mom. The best part is I live 70 miles away. So I do not have the opportunity to see her every day. I call 4 – 6 times a day and struggle with the choices I make. Oncologist is still not for another 2 weeks.

Let us know how the oncologist appt goes.

Love Linda V

Barbara53

Other hearts breaking too
Patty,

The many of us who have been praying for you and Jack feel the ripples of your pain. The only words of wisdom I have are to let the hospice folks help shoulder this burden with you as much as you can. During my dad's last two weeks with pancreatic/liver cancer, and especially the last days, he was not himself at all. My brother (a veterinarian) said (tears in eyes) that his body had gone toxic. He meant that various organ failures had or were occuring, though he continued to live. I remember sending Mom to sleep in the guest room because she was exhausted -- it was too much for her. Can someone do that for you?

We kept Dad comfortable with liquid morphine, and even sang to him in the night. In a way, those days were very tender, and they are still very precious.

It's eight years later and I'm caring for Mom. She has fought ovarian cancer like a champ, but she's losing the battle. She's tired. We all are. But not as tired as you. You will get through this, but talk about crummy honeymoons...

pattynonews

Barbara53 said:

Other hearts breaking too
Patty,

The many of us who have been praying for you and Jack feel the ripples of your pain. The only words of wisdom I have are to let the hospice folks help shoulder this burden with you as much as you can. During my dad's last two weeks with pancreatic/liver cancer, and especially the last days, he was not himself at all. My brother (a veterinarian) said (tears in eyes) that his body had gone toxic. He meant that various organ failures had or were occuring, though he continued to live. I remember sending Mom to sleep in the guest room because she was exhausted -- it was too much for her. Can someone do that for you?

We kept Dad comfortable with liquid morphine, and even sang to him in the night. In a way, those days were very tender, and they are still very precious.

It's eight years later and I'm caring for Mom. She has fought ovarian cancer like a champ, but she's losing the battle. She's tired. We all are. But not as tired as you. You will get through this, but talk about crummy honeymoons...

will I ever here him say he loves me again
He just sleeps now, they increased his meds so much he is just totally sedated so we are not sure if that is why he is sleeping all the time or he is just finding his inner peace with all of this, My heart breaks Im doing all of this on my own right now, I cant escape no one to relieve me , His one sister is working extra hours so she can afford to take off at the end, which my be to late ,his other sister can bare to see him like this and his brother is having marriage problems so it is just me and of course I have his 85 year old dad with us to thinks his son is going to get better, So I just lay in te bed with Jack and hold his hand, watch tv or what I can do but I dont leave him He is here in body ( his shell is with us but that is it ) We got Jack a little dog when he found out he had cancer and she just lays between his legs, she even knows Sometimes I look at Jack and I dont even know if he knows who I am, it is breaking my heart, Will I ever hear him say he loves me again ot will he be able to say goodbye to me ,How to I do this,

Total heart broken

MichelleP

pattynonews said:

will I ever here him say he loves me again
He just sleeps now, they increased his meds so much he is just totally sedated so we are not sure if that is why he is sleeping all the time or he is just finding his inner peace with all of this, My heart breaks Im doing all of this on my own right now, I cant escape no one to relieve me , His one sister is working extra hours so she can afford to take off at the end, which my be to late ,his other sister can bare to see him like this and his brother is having marriage problems so it is just me and of course I have his 85 year old dad with us to thinks his son is going to get better, So I just lay in te bed with Jack and hold his hand, watch tv or what I can do but I dont leave him He is here in body ( his shell is with us but that is it ) We got Jack a little dog when he found out he had cancer and she just lays between his legs, she even knows Sometimes I look at Jack and I dont even know if he knows who I am, it is breaking my heart, Will I ever hear him say he loves me again ot will he be able to say goodbye to me ,How to I do this,

Total heart broken

Patty
I haven't been posting for a few days. Just lurking once in a while but I felt compelled to respond to you.

I lost my husband 2 days ago while he was on hospice. Yes, they do sedate the patients for their own comfort. I had asked once that the amount be reduced and found out quickly it wasn't a good idea due to extreme anxiety on his part. I can tell you something VERY important Patty....HE CAN HEAR YOU! I know this for a fact because while my husband was under sedation I was sitting there holding his hand....and suddenly he opened his eyes looked right into mine and said "Will you Marry Me". It was just as the time I was talking to him about our wedding day. Just sit with him Patty...hold him and talk talk talk...he will hear each word you say. Hospice is wonderful and they will help you in so many ways. They can send a crisis nurse to spend the night so you can rest too. I always took a baby monitor to bed with me anyway so I could hear him breath....I loved that sound for as long as it lasted.

Please don't stop talking to him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! God Bless you and let Jack give you strength...because he will!

junklady

pattynonews said:

will I ever here him say he loves me again
He just sleeps now, they increased his meds so much he is just totally sedated so we are not sure if that is why he is sleeping all the time or he is just finding his inner peace with all of this, My heart breaks Im doing all of this on my own right now, I cant escape no one to relieve me , His one sister is working extra hours so she can afford to take off at the end, which my be to late ,his other sister can bare to see him like this and his brother is having marriage problems so it is just me and of course I have his 85 year old dad with us to thinks his son is going to get better, So I just lay in te bed with Jack and hold his hand, watch tv or what I can do but I dont leave him He is here in body ( his shell is with us but that is it ) We got Jack a little dog when he found out he had cancer and she just lays between his legs, she even knows Sometimes I look at Jack and I dont even know if he knows who I am, it is breaking my heart, Will I ever hear him say he loves me again ot will he be able to say goodbye to me ,How to I do this,

Total heart broken

Patty, I thinking of you
Patty - I'm thinking of you. Just reading your post brings tears to my eyes. I know you must love Jack, Keep talking to him. One day I will be in the same shoes, just don't know how soon. Right now I feel I am at a point which is the calm before the storm. Hugs to you Patty and my prayers too.

cowman

I am sorry.
Patty,

So sorry for what you are going through. It's something we all fear as caregivers even though we try to stay positive. You are having to live it now and I am so sorry. All I can say is my thoughts are with you and a special prayer for you and Jack. It sounds like if he didn't have you he would be pretty much alone. You are so important and special to him even though it is so difficult. God bless you.
Diane

cowman

MichelleP said:

Patty
I haven't been posting for a few days. Just lurking once in a while but I felt compelled to respond to you.

I lost my husband 2 days ago while he was on hospice. Yes, they do sedate the patients for their own comfort. I had asked once that the amount be reduced and found out quickly it wasn't a good idea due to extreme anxiety on his part. I can tell you something VERY important Patty....HE CAN HEAR YOU! I know this for a fact because while my husband was under sedation I was sitting there holding his hand....and suddenly he opened his eyes looked right into mine and said "Will you Marry Me". It was just as the time I was talking to him about our wedding day. Just sit with him Patty...hold him and talk talk talk...he will hear each word you say. Hospice is wonderful and they will help you in so many ways. They can send a crisis nurse to spend the night so you can rest too. I always took a baby monitor to bed with me anyway so I could hear him breath....I loved that sound for as long as it lasted.

Please don't stop talking to him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! God Bless you and let Jack give you strength...because he will!

Sorry
Michelle,

So sorry you have lost your husband. I had read where you were taking a break but did not know that the worst had happened. Like I told Patty, you were so so needed by your husband and you had a special job to do and you did it. Now what? Let us know how you are doing when you feel like it. You have been through alot and maybe now you can rest some. It must be so hard though. My prayers are with you tonite.
Diane