A Roller Coaster Ride

strawberriesandcream
strawberriesandcream Member Posts: 5
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
My husband was diagnosed with lung cancer almost five years ago and is currently on an experimental drug. He has lost 35 pounds since June and appears to be deteriorating both physically and emotionally. Every day there seems to be more and more responsibility put on me to help him with his care and I find myself getting very angry. I do not have a good history of taking care of myself but now resent the fact that every day requires that I be here at home as well as dr. appts/tests,etc. Our family lives in the east so there is no one here to help.
When I get angry I soon feel guilty for what I'm feeling and end up trying to make up for any negative situation I might have contributed to. I seem to go from one extreme to another. Any words of experience/encouragement would be greatly appreciated.

Comments

  • SonSon
    SonSon Member Posts: 174
    #2
    Forced Sacrifices...
    Yep, I know about the resentment... I had it for quite a while then decided to refocus. Easier said than done.
    Your life is changing in response to his. It is hard to do sometimes.
    If your husband has lost 35 pounds I assume you have trotted him to the doctors about that?
    I have a little saying on a card - there is no selflessness without self. Gotta take care of your 'self'.
    Fatima
  • sue Siwek
    sue Siwek Member Posts: 279
    #3
    10 years have gone by since
    10 years have gone by since my husband was diagnosed with brain cancer and an unrelated disease, parkinson's. in the begining we spared a bit. looking back he was scared and so was i. unbeknown to us at this time i was suffering from a brain problem called hydroceplus (water on the brain) i spent 6 years + ignoring my problem and passing it off on the fact that i was stressed over my husband condition. so, what i am saying is...when my condition was taken care of i was more able to care for my husband and i was less resentful of all that was happening to the both of us. in our 10th year, i am healthy, strong. dealing with him is not as difficult. i will add that both of us are on an antidepressant which helps a lot. see your doctor have a good physical work up and get on an antidepressant they are not all addictive and so what, you got a difficult job to do! get your husband on one too. i am not a junkie i am under a doctors care regarding antidepressants it just levels things out. it is not a sign of weakness, i am consider one tough babe, by family, friends and doctors so, do it.
  • jen58
    jen58 Member Posts: 34
    #4
    i'm actually just starting
    i'm actually just starting my journey, my husband was dx on 9/15 with stage 3 colon cancer signet ring... he is to have his surgery this saturday, from there we have no idea what will happen.

    we've lost both his father and oldest brother to colon cancer and his seems to be related to HNPCC

    i'm so sorry for your roller coaster ride, but i will say this -- the first thing is that you spoke up about it -- now talk to your hubby about it

    i know it's hard, but i tell you this much, i would LOVE to be having this problem with my hubby in 5 yrs since we dont even know that he will make it that long

    hang in there -- talk to your hubby, talk to a counselor, be honest about your feelings

    best of luck!

    hugs
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #5
    Anger and Resentment
    Anger and resentment goes with the territory. I think we all feel it at times. The key is to try and move beyond it however you can. This anger and resentment is really aimed at the disease, not the person. It's ok to hate and resent cancer especially if you have lost other family members to it. That has got to raise the fear factor, too. I agree with others who have advised you to see your dr. and take care of yourself. Hang in there and seek support from others. Fay
  • strawberriesandcream
    strawberriesandcream Member Posts: 5
    #6
    grandmafay said:

    Anger and Resentment
    Anger and resentment goes with the territory. I think we all feel it at times. The key is to try and move beyond it however you can. This anger and resentment is really aimed at the disease, not the person. It's ok to hate and resent cancer especially if you have lost other family members to it. That has got to raise the fear factor, too. I agree with others who have advised you to see your dr. and take care of yourself. Hang in there and seek support from others. Fay

    roller coaster ride
    Thank you for your advice and encouragement. I plan on making a drs. appt. k
  • strawberriesandcream
    strawberriesandcream Member Posts: 5
    #7
    SonSon said:

    Forced Sacrifices...
    Yep, I know about the resentment... I had it for quite a while then decided to refocus. Easier said than done.
    Your life is changing in response to his. It is hard to do sometimes.
    If your husband has lost 35 pounds I assume you have trotted him to the doctors about that?
    I have a little saying on a card - there is no selflessness without self. Gotta take care of your 'self'.
    Fatima

    Roller Coaster Ride
    Thanks for taking the time to post. Yes, he sees dr. regularly. They are trying to figure out why he doesn't want to eat. It's just difficult for both of us right now. Like your saying...will remember that!
  • strawberriesandcream
    strawberriesandcream Member Posts: 5
    #8
    sue Siwek said:

    10 years have gone by since
    10 years have gone by since my husband was diagnosed with brain cancer and an unrelated disease, parkinson's. in the begining we spared a bit. looking back he was scared and so was i. unbeknown to us at this time i was suffering from a brain problem called hydroceplus (water on the brain) i spent 6 years + ignoring my problem and passing it off on the fact that i was stressed over my husband condition. so, what i am saying is...when my condition was taken care of i was more able to care for my husband and i was less resentful of all that was happening to the both of us. in our 10th year, i am healthy, strong. dealing with him is not as difficult. i will add that both of us are on an antidepressant which helps a lot. see your doctor have a good physical work up and get on an antidepressant they are not all addictive and so what, you got a difficult job to do! get your husband on one too. i am not a junkie i am under a doctors care regarding antidepressants it just levels things out. it is not a sign of weakness, i am consider one tough babe, by family, friends and doctors so, do it.

    Roller Coaster Ride
    Thanks for taking the time to comment. I have to agree that both of us are depressed and this household is a pretty sad place. I will make appt. to see my dr.
  • strawberriesandcream
    strawberriesandcream Member Posts: 5
    #9
    jen58 said:

    i'm actually just starting
    i'm actually just starting my journey, my husband was dx on 9/15 with stage 3 colon cancer signet ring... he is to have his surgery this saturday, from there we have no idea what will happen.

    we've lost both his father and oldest brother to colon cancer and his seems to be related to HNPCC

    i'm so sorry for your roller coaster ride, but i will say this -- the first thing is that you spoke up about it -- now talk to your hubby about it

    i know it's hard, but i tell you this much, i would LOVE to be having this problem with my hubby in 5 yrs since we dont even know that he will make it that long

    hang in there -- talk to your hubby, talk to a counselor, be honest about your feelings

    best of luck!

    hugs

    Roller Coaster Ride
    Thank you for your encouragement....and your advice. Good Luck!
  • MyTurnNow
    MyTurnNow Member Posts: 2,686 Member
    #10
    My husband died of lung
    My husband died of lung cancer at a young age of 39. I was his caregiver and can say that I went through some of the same resentment that you are experiencing. I believe the anger is actually about the cancer and not the fact that you are required to handle more. Try to find some positiveness in the situation and be thankful that you are able to take care of your husband. The alternative is not one you want. See a doctor but also know that your reactions come with the territory. Best of luck to you!!
  • Beckymarie
    Beckymarie Member Posts: 357
    #11
    Antidepressants
    My husband was diagnosed in March with a brain tumor...our life took a complete 180. I couldn't sleep and my weight plummeted. Finally went to my doctor who put me on an antidepressant. It has helped. You do have to take care of yourself. You are in my thoughts.
  • esined
    esined Member Posts: 22
    #12
    The first time I came to
    The first time I came to this site I felt I was lossing my mind. I was so angry I was screaming at my husband (the one with the cancer) and my daughter. I didn't know I could feel such anger. But finding this site has helped. If nothing else it does remind you that you are not alone in what is happening and in what you are feeling. Sometimes just reading the posts can be helpful.
    Everyone will tell you to take care of you and that is true. Find those things, no matter how small, that relax you. I will just stop moving and take 5 deep breaths and can feel better.
    Allow yourself to walk away when things get heated and allow him to walk away for the same reason.

    I have found that reading books written for those living with cancer can also provide insight and support for the caregiver, since we are experiencing the same disease from the outside.

    Just keep coming back and talking,(typing it out). We understand what you are feeling and can share the load.

    You are in my thoughts and prayers.

    Denise
  • CherylMike
    CherylMike Member Posts: 118
    #13
    Fighting for 2 years
    My husband was diagnosed with head and neck cancer with mets to his left underarm on 9-2007. I also have been on the roller coaster for 2 years - waiting for tests results (hoping for the best, hearing the worst), having a PET that is "clean" (only to have the nect PET show that it is back), getting a treatment that has a good percentage to work (only to fail). . . I too have been angry and depressed and hopeful and sad . . I agree with the others that anti depressants help. I have been on one and it helps to "take the edge" off the highs and lows. I still have them, but am better able to cope. My husband is now to the point that he needs help doing most anything (he was confused and fell at 2:30am, he split his head open and was bleeding from his bottom. my mother-in-law is in the hospital with him this evening, we are traded times as he will be there until Saturday) I seem to be more sad than angry at this point. I am trying to be thankful for the wonderful 25 years that we have spent together, instead of focusing on the loss of our time together (seeing the glass half full instead of half empty). I am trying, but boy is it tough! Take care~
  • mr steve
    mr steve Member Posts: 285
    #14
    strawberriesandcream said:

    roller coaster ride
    Thank you for your advice and encouragement. I plan on making a drs. appt. k

    roller coster
    S&C,

    I wish I could help but my wife and I have been on the same type of ride since 3/08. Hang in there and be tuff cupcake. Enjoy the good and make the bad be written in sand that will blow away with the next wind.

    Steve
  • AceSFO
    AceSFO Member Posts: 229
    #15
    I know what you're going through
    It's hard for both of us, caregiver and patient but in different ways. I don't know what I can add that the others haven't already said, except that I'm one more person rooting for you and praying for strength and tenacity to be sent your way.

    Also, I'm going to open a separate post about this, but I just finished reading an excellent book intended for both patients and caregivers, called The Power of Two by Gerri and Brian Monaghan. First of all it's a great story and well-told with humor and compassion and it's also a great resource for caregivers, with a list of 50 useful tips to help you both get through this. In a nutshell, Brian (the husband) was diagnosed with metastatic melanoma with 2 brain tumors and lymph involvement. Bad prognosis. Together he and Gerri took the bull by the horns, so to speak, and refused to let go. 10 years later, he's doing really well and enjoying life. You can find it on Amazon for about $15.

    Hope this helps,
    Adrian
  • DennisR
    DennisR Member Posts: 148
    #16
    AceSFO said:

    I know what you're going through
    It's hard for both of us, caregiver and patient but in different ways. I don't know what I can add that the others haven't already said, except that I'm one more person rooting for you and praying for strength and tenacity to be sent your way.

    Also, I'm going to open a separate post about this, but I just finished reading an excellent book intended for both patients and caregivers, called The Power of Two by Gerri and Brian Monaghan. First of all it's a great story and well-told with humor and compassion and it's also a great resource for caregivers, with a list of 50 useful tips to help you both get through this. In a nutshell, Brian (the husband) was diagnosed with metastatic melanoma with 2 brain tumors and lymph involvement. Bad prognosis. Together he and Gerri took the bull by the horns, so to speak, and refused to let go. 10 years later, he's doing really well and enjoying life. You can find it on Amazon for about $15.

    Hope this helps,
    Adrian

    My wife of 44 years, Gerry,
    My wife of 44 years, Gerry, just called me crying her heart out. Apparently the VA called to remind me that I have an appointment with the Oncologist Monday, so she immediately thought the worst, that something has gone terribly wrong, that I haven't told her everything, etc etc
    I know she's very worried about me, and I guess I don't always tell her everything because of that, but it does serve to make me aware of just how much this Cancer struggle is weighing on her mind when something as simple as an appointment reminder can cause this outflow of emotion. I wish I could do better when it comes to communicating with her, but as I've noted in the past, I just don't seem able to do anything right except staying focused to fight my battle as it comes. Of course, now I'm 2nd guessing since I didn't know I even had an appointment, so I suspect I'll spend the weekend worrying while at the same time trying to reassure my wife that everything's OK. And the Beat goes on.
    DennisR

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