No spring chicken!

snommintj
snommintj Member Posts: 601
edited March 2014 in Colorectal Cancer #1
I got a new propane powered weed whacker, I've been weed eating for days. I've been trying to catch up from the months I was without one and for the time I was down with surgeries. Two days ago I was weeding and something got thrown into my leg, just far enough to break the skin. I didn't think anything of it, it's happened a thousand times before. Today, I woke up in sever pain, the wound sight was terribly swollen and I could barely move my leg. There was a fairly large abscess beside the wound so I poked it. Puss and goo exploded all over the place. It hurt like hell but I started feeling better almost immediately. I had some antibiotics left over from my ordeal in the first of the year so I've taken a couple. The swelling is mostly gone but it's still a little sore.

I still feel like I can go and do things like I used to but everyday I realize I'm deteriorating a little more. Whether it be the cancer, the surgeries, or the chemo, I don't know, but I don't like it.

I've spent the last few days contemplating the suffering that comes with the end of this disease. I'll try to avoid it as long as I can but I truly hope I can maintain my composure for my wife and son. I don't won't to be remembered as frail and weak.

Comments

  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member
    #2
    You're OK :)
    John

    You know, here's how I can sum it up for the both of us right here:

    "We may not be as good as we ONCE were - but we're as good ONCE as we EVER were!"

    I know what you mean - been yardworking myself...oh my.

    -Craig
  • robinvan
    robinvan Member Posts: 1,012
    #3
    Sorry to hear this John
    This is hard to hear John, especially after the bad news regarding treatment plans last week.

    I relate to what you are saying because I too have enjoyed mostly robust health over the past 5 years while living with this beast. But now I'm sporting an indwelling catheter, have little feeling in much of the pelvic region, am on dozens of pain-killers and likewise fearful of the deterioration on the road ahead, be it from the cancer itself or the next round of Chemo I'm likely to be on.

    Is there anything at all emerging for you in terms of treatment at this time? I know the clinical trials were a dead end but is there not some "maintenance level" of chemo or something.

    Contemplating the suffering at the end is something I don't like to do too much either. But it is anavoidable sometimes. Whatever else though John... you will be remembered for far, far more than the incidental frailty and weakness that marks a few moments along a lifetime of life-giving vitality and vigour.

    With you here John... Rob; in Van
  • grammadebbie
    grammadebbie Member Posts: 464
    #4
    Thank you
    Dear John,

    I just wanted to thank you for being so real with us here. I cried when I read your post I think what you fear is something we all experience but really havn't put words to it. No one will ever think of you as anything but a brave, brave person who has fought this monster with dignity and vigilance. I don't know you, but anyone fighting this disease is a hero to me. People really don't understand the physical and emotional toll it takes on us. In the dark hours when we hurt and can't do anything about it, the way we feel so vulnerable when being poked and prodded,the lonliness we feel even when we are not alone and yet we continue our fight for life. You keep it up. You are amazing and I know your wife and son think you are wonderful and always will. I will be praying for you. Thank you again for being so real, we all need to have that freedom here.

    God Bless You,

    Debbie (gramma) P.S. you should let your doctor know about your leg - don't want to take any chances.
  • Sonia32
    Sonia32 Member Posts: 1,071 Member
    #5
    John
    We haven't really spoken before but I always follow your posts. Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and your family.
    Your a strong and brave man in my eyes, and my prayers are with you.
    Hugs Sonia
  • steven12
    steven12 Member Posts: 51
    #6
    Sonia32 said:

    John
    We haven't really spoken before but I always follow your posts. Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and your family.
    Your a strong and brave man in my eyes, and my prayers are with you.
    Hugs Sonia

    John
    you just feeling bad from time to time as we all do, I believe. Don't give up just like that. You were so enthusiastic with your Kanzius RF machine, you were also experimenting with fostamatinib dysdodium and other stuff. You shouldn't loose all your hopes. Best wishes to you and everybody
    Steven
  • mom_2_3
    mom_2_3 Member Posts: 953 Member
    #7
    Strength
    John,

    You have strength in spades. No doubt about it. I am thinking of you and hope you enjoying the beautiful fall weather with your wife and son.

    Amy
  • Shayenne
    Shayenne Member Posts: 2,342
    #8
    mom_2_3 said:

    Strength
    John,

    You have strength in spades. No doubt about it. I am thinking of you and hope you enjoying the beautiful fall weather with your wife and son.

    Amy

    John...
    ...I feel like you sometimes, that end is near, and with all these surgeries and blockages I been having, it gets scary, and I don't feel like I used to feel, I don't even have half the energy anymore to want to do anything anymore. I have hope, but then revert back to...maybe this body is just dying now, it's breaking down, and will never be the same again. I have cried with these posts too, and HATE the thought of leaving my 4 beautiful children and husband who are going to be so miserable when this happens, and feel their mourning now sometimes, but I'm scared of the suffering at the end, I told my husband to make sure I don't suffer, to make sure I'm on some good drugs, and hopefully it won't take long to kick in when the end comes. I heard you just get so tired at the end, that it really doesn't hurt to die, you don't feel anything, what kind of suffering does come with it? I feel so tired now, and it hasn't even been a year for me now, but I try to push myself, and then I do feel better when I'm doing something, and can get my mind off it.

    I hope you can do something about your leg, is it infected? maybe some Neosporin on it as well! But don't think that your wife will ever believe you were frail or weak, I hate them watching me like this, but they love us, and I know they will miss us alot and think of how hard we fought this battle for them, it's good talking about this.

    Hugsss!
    ~Donna
  • dianetavegia
    dianetavegia Member Posts: 1,942 Member
    #9
    John, Craig, Rob, Phil and Eric
    You men have all been an inspiration to me. I feel as if I've known you personally for years and my heart aches when things like this come up. I'm praying for all of you, thinking good thoughts and admire you more than you could ever imagine.

    If you were here, I'd have to HUG you, so hugs....
    Diane
  • Buzzard
    Buzzard Member Posts: 3,043 Member
    #10
    dianetavegia said:

    John, Craig, Rob, Phil and Eric
    You men have all been an inspiration to me. I feel as if I've known you personally for years and my heart aches when things like this come up. I'm praying for all of you, thinking good thoughts and admire you more than you could ever imagine.

    If you were here, I'd have to HUG you, so hugs....
    Diane

    John............
    Not gonna happen on my watch.....not gonna happen on yours either.....its a simple moment that will get better...ya gotta remember "its not the dog in the fight but the fight in the dog"......lots of people watch your every move because of your strength and ability to overcome...They still watch you, you are an inspiration to all of us. Don't let this take back control, you keep control of the situation and a headstrong attitude. You will win this thing.....Your Friend, Clift
  • Paula G.
    Paula G. Member Posts: 596
    #11
    John
    John, I am so sorry you are feeling this way. As I have said before I don't have cancer my best friend and my life my husband John does.
    I do have MS and it has took a lot from me. A little at a time but none the less it is gone. I get upset for what it has done but only for a while, a day or so. Then I adjust and move on. Or I should say roll on!!! I am in a wheel chair now.
    I guess what I am trying to say is that we have things in our lives that we can't control. Cancer, MS, growing older. But life is still worth living.
    You are a strong wonderful person. I can tell from your posts. You will never be remembered as frail and weak. You are a fighter and will keep going. You are a friend. Paula G.
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #12
    Caregiver's Thoughts
    We all fear the unknown. That's being human. My husband is loosing strength, and I know that bothers him. I only see his strength in fighting this thing. I don't see weakness. I only see the bravery he has shown in this battle. Your family loves you and that's what they see, too. It's pointless to tell you not to worry. We all worry about the people we love and the things we can't control. You are going through the grief of what life used to be. Now celebrate the life that is. A friend of ours who has since passed on from lung cancer said to me, "This is an interesting journey, not the one I would have chosen but interesting." She fought the brave fight. That's what I remember. She made memories while she could. I know you are doing that. Prayers, Fay
  • taipei
    taipei Member Posts: 33 Member
    #13
    Shayenne said:

    John...
    ...I feel like you sometimes, that end is near, and with all these surgeries and blockages I been having, it gets scary, and I don't feel like I used to feel, I don't even have half the energy anymore to want to do anything anymore. I have hope, but then revert back to...maybe this body is just dying now, it's breaking down, and will never be the same again. I have cried with these posts too, and HATE the thought of leaving my 4 beautiful children and husband who are going to be so miserable when this happens, and feel their mourning now sometimes, but I'm scared of the suffering at the end, I told my husband to make sure I don't suffer, to make sure I'm on some good drugs, and hopefully it won't take long to kick in when the end comes. I heard you just get so tired at the end, that it really doesn't hurt to die, you don't feel anything, what kind of suffering does come with it? I feel so tired now, and it hasn't even been a year for me now, but I try to push myself, and then I do feel better when I'm doing something, and can get my mind off it.

    I hope you can do something about your leg, is it infected? maybe some Neosporin on it as well! But don't think that your wife will ever believe you were frail or weak, I hate them watching me like this, but they love us, and I know they will miss us alot and think of how hard we fought this battle for them, it's good talking about this.

    Hugsss!
    ~Donna

    feeling
    Hi Donna: I was dx. cc on 06-2003, met to liver and lungs, many surgeries, and yes, blockages, obstruction, twice hernia repair, 3 different chemo, last lung surgery was 08-2007, been NED since. There was good days and bad days, but much more good days. It is very hard travel this journey, you have beautiful family, husband and children who love you very much, and you are a very special lady, you will live through the cancer, and see you children get married, and be a grandmom like me. Of course we all have scary days, but keep faith, and positive attitude, then just that God worry about, I will pray for you and family, God bless you.


    Winnie
  • Shayenne
    Shayenne Member Posts: 2,342
    #14
    taipei said:

    feeling
    Hi Donna: I was dx. cc on 06-2003, met to liver and lungs, many surgeries, and yes, blockages, obstruction, twice hernia repair, 3 different chemo, last lung surgery was 08-2007, been NED since. There was good days and bad days, but much more good days. It is very hard travel this journey, you have beautiful family, husband and children who love you very much, and you are a very special lady, you will live through the cancer, and see you children get married, and be a grandmom like me. Of course we all have scary days, but keep faith, and positive attitude, then just that God worry about, I will pray for you and family, God bless you.


    Winnie

    Winnie....
    Wow! amazing story, and hard journey you have been on! and you're still here, I love hearing stories like yours, it does give me much more hope to move on, and I feel like even though I was just diagnosed Jan 2009, my journey is still in the beginning stages, and scared of what's down that hospital road, thank you for this post, I do not and am not ready to leave my family motherless, I grew up without a mother, and it was sooo hard, I don't want them to have to go through what I did. Thanks for the prayers, and the lovely comment!

    Hugsss!
    ~Donna
  • jscho
    jscho Member Posts: 62
    #15
    lovastatin and interferon
    Hi John, I am curious as to whether you have ever investigated the combination of interferon and lovastatin that the company Neoplas Innovation is proposing.
    See web page
    http://www.neoplas.org/id4.html

    The treatment doesn't sound expensive, and is for people no eligible for clinical trials
    and who have chemo-resistant cancers. I have no idea how legitimate it is.

    Best,
    Jeremy
  • Fight for my love
    Fight for my love Member Posts: 1,522 Member
    #16
    Hi John,I hope you are
    Hi John,I hope you are feeling better right this moment.I am really sorry to hear about the hurt on your leg.Please be careful next time.I think this happened possibly because your immune system is not as strong as before after the surgery,the chemo.I think you are a warrior and a strong fighter.I don't think your wife will think you are frail and weak.Although the chemo and radiation that my husband took even was not as nearly strong as yours,he still had his bad days.He ever said to me let this cancer take him.But I know he said that just because he was in pain very badly.I understood and I never thought my husband was weak or frail.He is a fighter.Please be good.Take care.Get well soon.
  • sfmarie
    sfmarie Member Posts: 602
    #17
    The darn weed wacker
    John, sorry to hear about your leg. I can only imagine how frustrating it must be to not do the things you once could do with such ease. It must have felt good to whack away at those weeds though. I am sure your wife and son see you as the strong person that you are; not the person you imagine yourself to be. You will always be their hero. You're in my prayers. Marie
  • WinneyPooh
    WinneyPooh Member Posts: 318
    #18
    sfmarie said:

    The darn weed wacker
    John, sorry to hear about your leg. I can only imagine how frustrating it must be to not do the things you once could do with such ease. It must have felt good to whack away at those weeds though. I am sure your wife and son see you as the strong person that you are; not the person you imagine yourself to be. You will always be their hero. You're in my prayers. Marie

    MRSA, INFECTIONS
    John,
    I admire you, and all that you have gone thru, me still new only since june, and one life saving surgery behind me, (3 left to go). I am extremely strong willed this cancer is kicking my butt around and around.

    So i go to this sight to read of everyone fight and to draw from the fact that everyonne is going thru so much, We all have families that love us,, and i believe they will remember US with Love and realze we did everything to be around one more day, ONE MORE DAY,

    So John, you need to do this same be happy and strong for ONE MORE DAY, and then get up and do it agian and again.

    Important message about your wound, *******
    MRSA Is what you discribed a big pussey wound that got really bad over night. cause muscle ache, fever and fatigue, and in case of cancer patients and others with reduced inmune systems can spell really serious, and some times fatal results, you need to see you doctor and get a full round of antibiotics, so it does not spread to other places.

    Best of care
    Winnie
  • robinvan
    robinvan Member Posts: 1,012
    #19
    Has Infection Cleared?
    I was wondering about your leg too John. Has it cleared up today?

    Rob

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