Feeling stuck between two worlds.

chiefsflower1
chiefsflower1 Member Posts: 7
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
Hi everyone,
I have stage IV breast cancer that has matastized into my bones (mostly back). I originally found the lump in my right breast in Oct 2006,so the return time is very long. Undergoing chemo for the second time. My husband couldn't handle my being sick so he kept moving in and out, finally leaving for the last time two months ago. I have 2 adult kids who worry but tend to bury their head in the sand. I have been handling it well till recently. I now feel like I am between the world of the living and the world of the dead. I can't help myself (clean house ect.), I can't think straight, I can't do what I need to do to keep on keeping on with gratitude, grace and joy. My house is about to be repossed, I am not able to tolerate pain medicines well and some days I can barely move but others are ok. I am too ashamed to allow help, because I've always been the one able to be there for others. I just need to know if there are resources out there to talk to for guidence, so I don't feel so alone. Does it get better?
Betty

Comments

  • outdoorgirl
    outdoorgirl Member Posts: 1,565
    Hi Betty
    I feel for you.Upsets me about your husband leaving-don't they know that this is tougher on us than it is for them?!
    I feel that whatever I'm going to say is going to fall short. I can't imagine what you are going through.
    I know what you mean about being quicker to help others than asking for help yourself,but please allow people to help you -ask and if they offer on their own-let them help! I know,I should take some of my own medicine...
    ACS has a program called Reach To Recovery where they pair up newly diagnosed bc women(and men) with others who have been through it and past treatments-it's under support programs on their home page.I volunteer for that program and it's wonderful! And are there any cancer support groups where you live?And stay on this board-it's wonderful as well -we all understand and are here 24/7.
    Keep us posted as to how you are doing-we truly do care...
  • marilyndbk
    marilyndbk Member Posts: 238 Member
    Betty--
    You have come to the

    Betty--
    You have come to the right place. This is a great supportive site and we all want to help. You are stronger than you think. I understand some of what you are feeling. BC takes a toll on our bodies and our minds. Take care of yourself. I will be thinking of you. Marilyn
  • mimivac
    mimivac Member Posts: 2,143
    Betty,
    You've been dealt a difficult hand in life and it's no wonder you are finding it difficult to cope. When so many things go wrong, it just seems overwhelming and you want to shut down. But just getting on this board means that you want to reach out and re-enter the land of the living again. First, I am sorry to hear about your bone metastasis. I know it might seem hopeless, but many, many women are stable for years and years (sometimes decades) with bone mets. There are some on this board who might chime in. Second, you have financial worries, too, which would take such a toll on your emotional health. You can deal with everything, but you must ask for help first. Get in touch with your oncologist and ask for a referral to a oncology social worker. That person can help you navigate your health needs and put you in touch with persons who can help with the financial issues as well. Betty, you have a challenging time ahead, but with the right help and support, you can be happy and have the gratitude, grace, and joy you mention in your post. We all need help in this life. Don't put too much pressure on yourself right now. Just take small steps everyday to get back the happiness and stability that you deserve in your life. Keep posting here, too. My best to you.

    Mimi
  • lynn1950
    lynn1950 Member Posts: 2,570
    That awful trapped feeling.
    That awful trapped feeling. I'm not stage IV, but I know the feeling. Welcome to the board. I don't have any advice to add - contacting your cancer center for financial and social services is spot on. You have been the one to be there for others...now it's your turn, so you can keep on being here. I know it's not an easy thing to get one's mind around, but accepting help now is a gift to others. Take care of yourself so it CAN get better. xoxoxoxo Lynn
  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159
    Sweet Sister
    Sweet Sister Warrior-Survivor~

    You have spoken words which resonate so passionately here on the boards. First off, before I even tell you how my heart goes out to you , it is unbelievably common that you have NOT asked for help. And your reasons are also 100% normal too! We women are the ones who do the caring for! We are the ones who organize the car-pools, or the holiday card writing,bake sales, garage sales, make the casseroles, host the baby and wedding showers~ fill in the blanks and I'm sure you know just what I'm talking about! I can imagine you see yourself in myriad situations where YOU were the caregiver! This does not negate the good, loving work many compassionate men do, but I think you know what I mean. And the men who are loving and compassionate life partners know who they are!

    Ok...that having been said, it's time to get down to brass tacks here: YOU NEED AND DESERVE HELP! When you were doing all of the generous womanly things, did you feel disgust about the women/families you were helping? Of course not! It was wisely said to me that it would be unkind on our part not to ask for and receive help from those around us. Casseroles, or driving, or picking up our mail, or whatever seems mundane are sometimes just what our friends want to do for us! They do not know what else to do, and as women, they want to be involved!

    Please contact the ACS and take the advice of your fellow Sisters in Pink who told you about Reach For Recovery and any of the other support groups available to you. The bulletin board at the cancer center I went to had lots of announcements about groups, meetings, etc available in my community. I would not be surprised to know that yours does too.

    You are a Warrior-Survivor and a valued member of this family! We are a strong, compassionate, supportive army of mostly women, and we welcome you with open hearts and arms.

    Post often~ you are not alone in this journey.

    Hugs,
    Chen♥
  • Akiss4me
    Akiss4me Member Posts: 2,188
    So sorry...
    Betty, I am so sorry to hear the struggles you are having. I think I am going to nominate Chen as my official spokes person because I agree with exactly what she said! (Along with agreeing with everyone who responded!)
    Always accept help...you are helping the other person to "feel" better about them doing something to show they care. It is rude of us to insult those that are trying to help by turning their help down. It's as if we are saying we can still do things better than them in our weakened condition. Which is not true.
    If you have to ask for help...the worse response would be "No". But then we just move on to the next person to ask on our list. I doubt we will get too many "no's".
    Remember the first priority is YOU under any circumstances or conditions. This isn't permenant, but it is you turn! Time to humble yourself. The Lord will put the people you need in place. We just need to accept his gift.
    Please keep us posted and know that we are here through cyber space to walk with you through your journey.
    Hugs....Pammy
  • New Flower
    New Flower Member Posts: 4,294

    Hi Betty
    I feel for you.Upsets me about your husband leaving-don't they know that this is tougher on us than it is for them?!
    I feel that whatever I'm going to say is going to fall short. I can't imagine what you are going through.
    I know what you mean about being quicker to help others than asking for help yourself,but please allow people to help you -ask and if they offer on their own-let them help! I know,I should take some of my own medicine...
    ACS has a program called Reach To Recovery where they pair up newly diagnosed bc women(and men) with others who have been through it and past treatments-it's under support programs on their home page.I volunteer for that program and it's wonderful! And are there any cancer support groups where you live?And stay on this board-it's wonderful as well -we all understand and are here 24/7.
    Keep us posted as to how you are doing-we truly do care...

    My heart goes out to you
    Hi Betty,
    Yes you definitely need to reach out.
    I think you should talk to your oncologist office and find out about available financial and social services assistance.
    If you have not applied for social Security Disability Benefits you should do it and oncologist should help with paperwork. Most places can refer you to a clinical social worker who will work with you and provide guidance for resources. In some states a home assistance for disable people is available as well.

    Your church, your community, your Neighbors ASK for help.
    I think you need to openly discuss your situation with your children as well. By the law your husband must support you financially.

    You have been battling cancer for 4 years and need to be proud of yourself.
    Hugs,
    New Flower
  • MAJW
    MAJW Member Posts: 2,510 Member
    Betty, I can't add much advice to what the wonderful women on this board have already given you.....I would whole heartedly agree on talking to the social services department, where you are receiving your treatment. There is help out there for people in your situation.

    God speed,
    Nancy