question about expexted help from husband

love9kidz
love9kidz Member Posts: 23
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
Hello everyone,

I have vent about a subject. As you all read from my last post, I had severe bone pain from the Neulasta shot so was not feeling my best that day. My husband who is a truck driver came home from being gone all week and his mind was made up to go fishing. I told him that I was not feeling well but I did not tell him to the extent of the pain. He went fishing and stayed gone until around 8 or 9 p.m. because he said that the spirit told him that he should be home with his wife because he knew what I was going through. He asked me "what am I supposed to do just sit home and do nothing all day. We have five children at home, a house that could use some minor work, bills that need to be paid, laundry that can be done, just being their showing support to name a few. I was furious. I cried at my doctor's visit on yesterday just before my chemo treatment. That was the first time I cried throughout this whole ordeal. I go to all of my doctor appointments and treatments alone because I have no family here where I live and he is away all week. Am I asking too much for him to stay home and at least act like he really cares?

I value your opinions.

Thake care and God Bless You All.

Comments

  • marilyndbk
    marilyndbk Member Posts: 238 Member
    I am here for you. I am so
    I am here for you. I am so grateful for loving support of family and friends. My husband and I have been separated for almost 3 years and I am hurt that he chose not to be with me to help me thru this 2nd bout with cancer this year. You have so much on your plate. I pray that you get some help. Maybe your local ACS? or support group at local hospital? You are stronger that you think. Take care. Marilyn
  • roseann4
    roseann4 Member Posts: 992 Member
    Many men are avoiders....
    Hi Love,

    I'm sorry you feel you are facing this alone. You have every right to expect your husband to be there to help you. However, many of us with cancer have trained those we love to think we can handle things alone. I had a terrible time asking for help and support but BC forced me into it. My husband was very surprised and my change in attitude. While I was waiting for my diagnosis, he was planning a trip with his friend. At first I said go ahead but then I thought about it and was furious that he would even think of going away during this stressful time. He thought I was strong enough to face anything and did not need him to sit around with me and wait for the phone call. But, I did. The diagnosis would have come while he was away and I was home alone. My husband is a good man but felt helpless. Many men feel they need to do something to make it better and that if they can't they might as well go get a distraction. They don't understand that just being there is making it better.

    I suggest you make a specific list of what you want from your husband. I also recommend you join a support group in your area where you can meet other women with breast cancer. In my group, we are always happy to go with each other to appts. when family and friends are not available.

    You are not alone even if it feels like it sometimes. Someone once said to me when I was complaining about my husband, "We teach people how to treat us". Ask and you shall receive.

    Enjoy today!

    Roseann
  • e_hope
    e_hope Member Posts: 370
    i feel for you
    love9... i feel for you... although my situation is different I know what you mean.. My husband had been less than supportive through out this whole ordeal. and had the nerve to tell me how much money I cost the family with being out of work. We barely spoke for months. Unlike you... I have many friends and family members here. I would go to my chemo treatments with friends. I too have kids, 3 of them all under 7.. I have no idea how to get men to get a CLUE... no its not asking to much.. its a shame that you have to ask at all... I think what happens is these men is they look at us and minus our hair... We don't LOOK sick. So they can't see how we feel on the inside..

    There are books out there geared towards men.. but its getting them to read it... I gave my hubby materials.. but he wouldn't read it

    My hubby and I had a huge blow out one night.. and it seemed to make things better...

    Good luck.. it you find something to work let me know....
  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159
    Sweetie,
    Although the

    Sweetie,
    Although the situation is not the same as yours, I will bump up a question that someone else posted about husbands..perhaps the answers there will give you a bit of insight.
    I am so sorry that you are not getting the needed physical/emotional support from your husband. I hope that you can see your way to ask for help from others you know. It is often the most difficult thing we women can do...ask for help! We are usually on the other end of that situation; so I beg you to put the shoe on the other foot. If a friend of yours was in your circumstance, I know you would help her and encourage her to get help! Be it your church, or your neighbors, or the parents of your childrens friends, do not EVER turn down help! Some people don't know what to do for us...if anyone should ask, TELL THEM! Tell another mom that you could use her help throwing a load of laundry in, or picking the kids up, or getting a casserole in the oven. It makes others feel useful to know there is something concrete they can do for you.See if your local treatment center has any support groups or if there are any local organizations who would volunteer to help.Even the Girl Scouts!

    As much as you would love your husband to be the Rock for you during your treatment, if he isn't, you still need the help!

    As I said, I will bump up the other post about husbands.

    Hugs,
    Chen&hearts
  • meena1
    meena1 Member Posts: 1,003
    I think men just avoid any
    I think men just avoid any situations like this, he may very scared right now, and does not know how to handle it. My husband was devastated when i was diagnosed, he sobbed a lot, i had to comfort him. He said he did not like going to chemo with him because it upset him too much. I think men are used to us taking care of them and doing everything for them, they cannot handle it. my children are older, but they did not want to hear too much about breast cancer. It was always, "you'll be fine". I have a large extended family and not one person came over to help me, or offer support. I also cried at chemo, they told me that they hear the same story often. I have found comfort on this site and have also met many wonderful woman that I keep in touch with. I still go for monthly treatments so i still see my nurses and other men and women I have met. You need a lot of support right now, what state do you live in? There are programs available to help woman in your situation. I wish you the best, and vent here.
  • TraciInLA
    TraciInLA Member Posts: 1,994 Member
    meena1 said:

    I think men just avoid any
    I think men just avoid any situations like this, he may very scared right now, and does not know how to handle it. My husband was devastated when i was diagnosed, he sobbed a lot, i had to comfort him. He said he did not like going to chemo with him because it upset him too much. I think men are used to us taking care of them and doing everything for them, they cannot handle it. my children are older, but they did not want to hear too much about breast cancer. It was always, "you'll be fine". I have a large extended family and not one person came over to help me, or offer support. I also cried at chemo, they told me that they hear the same story often. I have found comfort on this site and have also met many wonderful woman that I keep in touch with. I still go for monthly treatments so i still see my nurses and other men and women I have met. You need a lot of support right now, what state do you live in? There are programs available to help woman in your situation. I wish you the best, and vent here.

    Love9Kidz,
    The thought of anyone having to go to chemo alone makes me so sad.

    Please call the ACS -- they have a program called Road to Recovery, to help folks with rides to and from appointments. Many of their volunteers are people who have been through treatment themselves, so just someone to talk to during the ride might be a comfort to you.

    Even if you don't take them up on it -- just knowing that resource is there might help you a little, so please do call them.

    Traci
  • Eil4186
    Eil4186 Member Posts: 949
    I am not clear---you wrote
    I am not clear---you wrote that your husband told you that the "spirit told him" to be home with you and he knew what you were going through. Then he stays away fishing? He doesn't make any sense.
  • ppurdin
    ppurdin Member Posts: 1,181
    Being alone
    Hi I am sorry you don,t get support from your husband.My husband isn,t real good at it either.One day I broke down crying and ask him I said you do care that I have Cancer don,t you.And he said yes and that was it.He don,t talk about it,and he still exspects me to keep up with the house and everything.I know how you feel,it breaks your heart that they don,t do anything to help.I told him one day that I would get through it with or without him.But I prefered with him.nothing seems to make a difference.If you need to talk we are here.This board has helped me so much.I know it isn,t the same but we will help you.Please keep in touch.(Pat).
  • mlmjt1
    mlmjt1 Member Posts: 537
    HI love9
    When I was diagnosed, my husband pretty much told me that if I needed anything at all to tell him. He said dont be a typical woman and sit there thinking if I have to tell him it doesnt mean as much. He should know what I need without telling him. Well I pretty much told him exactly what I needed and he has been there for me thru the whole thing. We have a different situation in that he is retired now and I am still working full time so he was doing everything at home before I was diagnosed and he still pretty much does. As far at the chemo goes, he comes with me for my labs and md appt prior to chemo, waits until I get hooked up then he leaves since I am usually up at the hospital from 8am to 4pm. He comes back and brings me lunch then leaves again.

    I would tell him what you need physically and emotionally. Some guys do withdraw from this type of diagnosis and some guys just are more emotionally able to step up. Just tell him you need him now.

    Hang in there...and its ok to need someone now...this is temporary and you will get thru this.

    Hugs
    Linda T
  • Cat64
    Cat64 Member Posts: 1,192
    Love9kidz
    First I would like to say Welcome-although sorry for your reason. You have come to the right place to find whatever you may need to help you reach recovery.
    Let me just say flat out-men are CLUELESS! You sometimes have to "spell things out" to them in hopes that they can understand where you are coming from & what you may need from them. I remember thinking at times that he should just know. No! He doesn't,unless I tell him, and yet there still isn't a guarantee he will "get it"! I know Chen had bumped up my post so that you could find some helpful advice for your situation. I hope that you did. Believe me when I tell you, My Hubby was NOT always so supportive & it took a long time to get where we are now! I basically raised my 3 children on my own.(now 24,18,13)He would work 60-80hrs/wk. He too is a fisherman, MANY times I was so furious that he would just leave and dump all the responsibilities on ME! Of course at the time I did not have cancer, but I did have other health concerns & desperately needed his help. It must be difficult for your husband to be on the road all week. From a man's perspective-he is doing what he needs to do to provide for his family & probably feels fortunate to even have his job these days! Is it possible for him to find a local job to keep him at home more? Or change his schedule in any way? I'm not sure who it was that recommended Reach to Recovery, but call them! Call ACS. There is help out there for you! Someone will go with you to appointments, talk to you on the phone, meet with you, whatever you need to help make things easier on you while in treatment. How about a YMCA for the kids? Call their school, they may also have resources to help you as well as them. I'm sure your husband DOES care, and No it is not too much to ask to be there for you and to help you. He too is probably shocked by what has happened to you. They just deal with things differently than we do. While fishing, it is a time for peace to them. They can just sit back, unwind, think....(I know-it's NOT fair! When do WE get these moments?!)I don't even want to comment on the "spirit" telling him he should be home...however, this is about YOU though! No matter what HE does or doesn't do, YOU have to acquire the strength&determination to fight that beast within you for yourself & your children! Feel free to send me a private message anytime, I will even give you my e-mail address if you ever need to "type",vent,or express your thoughts or feelings in a way that isn't allowed on here.(lol) May I also suggest that you try to find a sitter one day or night and arrange for you & Hubby to go somewhere where you can talk uninterruptingly so that you can have a heart to heart talk with him?(a park,beach,parking lot,or even go fishing with him)Somewhere where you can yell,scream,or cry...) whatever you need to do so that you can tell him how YOU feel & what YOU need. I will pray for you & your family that you can work this out and receive what you need to help you win this battle! Hope in someway this helps!
    Hugz,
    Cathy
    P.S. If you think he will read it, get the book Breast Cancer Husband. It really speaks to them in their language!
  • Wolfi
    Wolfi Member Posts: 425
    Cat64 said:

    Love9kidz
    First I would like to say Welcome-although sorry for your reason. You have come to the right place to find whatever you may need to help you reach recovery.
    Let me just say flat out-men are CLUELESS! You sometimes have to "spell things out" to them in hopes that they can understand where you are coming from & what you may need from them. I remember thinking at times that he should just know. No! He doesn't,unless I tell him, and yet there still isn't a guarantee he will "get it"! I know Chen had bumped up my post so that you could find some helpful advice for your situation. I hope that you did. Believe me when I tell you, My Hubby was NOT always so supportive & it took a long time to get where we are now! I basically raised my 3 children on my own.(now 24,18,13)He would work 60-80hrs/wk. He too is a fisherman, MANY times I was so furious that he would just leave and dump all the responsibilities on ME! Of course at the time I did not have cancer, but I did have other health concerns & desperately needed his help. It must be difficult for your husband to be on the road all week. From a man's perspective-he is doing what he needs to do to provide for his family & probably feels fortunate to even have his job these days! Is it possible for him to find a local job to keep him at home more? Or change his schedule in any way? I'm not sure who it was that recommended Reach to Recovery, but call them! Call ACS. There is help out there for you! Someone will go with you to appointments, talk to you on the phone, meet with you, whatever you need to help make things easier on you while in treatment. How about a YMCA for the kids? Call their school, they may also have resources to help you as well as them. I'm sure your husband DOES care, and No it is not too much to ask to be there for you and to help you. He too is probably shocked by what has happened to you. They just deal with things differently than we do. While fishing, it is a time for peace to them. They can just sit back, unwind, think....(I know-it's NOT fair! When do WE get these moments?!)I don't even want to comment on the "spirit" telling him he should be home...however, this is about YOU though! No matter what HE does or doesn't do, YOU have to acquire the strength&determination to fight that beast within you for yourself & your children! Feel free to send me a private message anytime, I will even give you my e-mail address if you ever need to "type",vent,or express your thoughts or feelings in a way that isn't allowed on here.(lol) May I also suggest that you try to find a sitter one day or night and arrange for you & Hubby to go somewhere where you can talk uninterruptingly so that you can have a heart to heart talk with him?(a park,beach,parking lot,or even go fishing with him)Somewhere where you can yell,scream,or cry...) whatever you need to do so that you can tell him how YOU feel & what YOU need. I will pray for you & your family that you can work this out and receive what you need to help you win this battle! Hope in someway this helps!
    Hugz,
    Cathy
    P.S. If you think he will read it, get the book Breast Cancer Husband. It really speaks to them in their language!

    Communicate
    Love9kidz,

    Cathy made a very good point here - get some time with your husband and have a heart to heart talk with him.

    My husband has always been VERY supportive of me, but I do know what it's like to be with someone who seems to only think of themselves. The most important thing I found out after being diagnosed with breast cancer is that I need to talk to my husband about how I feel (mentally and physically). There were days when I'd be thinking things but not saying them. Then, I'd get mad at him if he said or did something that was against what I felt. Ex: I felt sad and just wanted to be held and he was in a "get chores done" mode and was outside working on things. I didn't TELL him that I didn't want him to be outside and that sitting on his lap and being held was more important to me than if the oil got changed in the car that day. It wasn't fair of me to not communicate exactly what I felt. Now I tell him everything - when I don't feel like going to work, want to just take a nap, am fine but just feel a little bit "off" after radiation treatment, etc.

    Communicate and then communicate some more. Your husband may go fishing because he doesn't know what you need/want him to do and fishing is his way of getting his mind off things that are bothering him (your bc). Keep coming here for support and contact ACS - they can help you find support groups and are great at just listening to your concerns.

    I wish you luck - please let me know if there is anything I can do to help.

    Wolfi
  • kat_harina
    kat_harina Member Posts: 6
    Some men!
    Dear love9kidz-

    I could and would not deal with such a man, husband or not!

    When I was diagnosed with breast cancer 3 1/2 years ago, I was very sad. When my husband came home from work and found out why I was so depressed, he knelt next to me, held me in his arms and told me very lovingly that I am not alone, and that this is "our" breast cancer. Together we can get through this he told me. For me the battle was half won right there and then. My husband was with me every step of the way; and when I felt like "emotionally falling apart", he caught me, assuring me that all will be fine. And it was!

    Please let your husband read this. This is how a loving husband should react and treat his wife in time of need! When you both got married you promised each other "....in sickness and in health." Gently remind him of this.

    Perhaps I should not have responded to your post, but men like your husband get my hackles way up!

    You will be in my prayers, dear sister.

    From the heart,

    Kat
  • New Flower
    New Flower Member Posts: 4,294
    Wolfi said:

    Communicate
    Love9kidz,

    Cathy made a very good point here - get some time with your husband and have a heart to heart talk with him.

    My husband has always been VERY supportive of me, but I do know what it's like to be with someone who seems to only think of themselves. The most important thing I found out after being diagnosed with breast cancer is that I need to talk to my husband about how I feel (mentally and physically). There were days when I'd be thinking things but not saying them. Then, I'd get mad at him if he said or did something that was against what I felt. Ex: I felt sad and just wanted to be held and he was in a "get chores done" mode and was outside working on things. I didn't TELL him that I didn't want him to be outside and that sitting on his lap and being held was more important to me than if the oil got changed in the car that day. It wasn't fair of me to not communicate exactly what I felt. Now I tell him everything - when I don't feel like going to work, want to just take a nap, am fine but just feel a little bit "off" after radiation treatment, etc.

    Communicate and then communicate some more. Your husband may go fishing because he doesn't know what you need/want him to do and fishing is his way of getting his mind off things that are bothering him (your bc). Keep coming here for support and contact ACS - they can help you find support groups and are great at just listening to your concerns.

    I wish you luck - please let me know if there is anything I can do to help.

    Wolfi

    The collective wisdom is amazing. It is, it is difficult to add anything new.
    It is my sincere believe nobody except patients who have been through cancer treatment can completely understand. You have to be through diagnosis, surgery, Chemo, …
    So do not expect, communicate and reach out for help. You definitely need help to get through the treatment, it is a very long journey and having 5 kids you cannot deal with it alone. Any religion organizations will help, so if you are not a member, become one.
    Your children school administration and PTO could be helpful too. You oncologist office can connect you with social worker, who will find assistance program and information for you. Talk to everyone who provides you with medical care about your family situation.

    My husband has been very supportive, however we had our difficult moments. My husband had to work during my treatments, he waited and talked with my surgeons, visited me in the hospital, he stayed for the entire first Chemo, and for other procedures he dropped me and picked me up. He refused reading any literature for cancer partners, did not go to any support group.

    Keep in touch
  • Ritzy
    Ritzy Member Posts: 4,381 Member

    Some men!
    Dear love9kidz-

    I could and would not deal with such a man, husband or not!

    When I was diagnosed with breast cancer 3 1/2 years ago, I was very sad. When my husband came home from work and found out why I was so depressed, he knelt next to me, held me in his arms and told me very lovingly that I am not alone, and that this is "our" breast cancer. Together we can get through this he told me. For me the battle was half won right there and then. My husband was with me every step of the way; and when I felt like "emotionally falling apart", he caught me, assuring me that all will be fine. And it was!

    Please let your husband read this. This is how a loving husband should react and treat his wife in time of need! When you both got married you promised each other "....in sickness and in health." Gently remind him of this.

    Perhaps I should not have responded to your post, but men like your husband get my hackles way up!

    You will be in my prayers, dear sister.

    From the heart,

    Kat

    I am so sorry. I am blessed
    I am so sorry. I am blessed to have a great husband, family and friends to help me. What I would suggest to you is to talk to him, I mean really talk to him. Sit down where it is quiet, where nothing can disturb the two of you and talk this out. It is the only way he will know what he actually should want to do and should do. You need to express this to him. If he really cares for you, he will listen and do it. Sorry to be blunt, but, that is just the way it is. Good luck to the both of you!

    Sue :)
  • lolad
    lolad Member Posts: 670
    love9kids
    Im so sorry that you are fighting to get support from your husband. He of all people should be there. Like many have said though, some men just dont know how to and dont understand. And some are just being a stupid man. I havent had a husband through my battle, just my three kids, but my 15 year old has stepped up like a man. Which makes me feel guilty as heck. But, thats the type of boy he is. He told me the other day that if he could switch places with me he would. I told him i wouldnt let him. I cant give you husband advice, but i know that you have to communicate with him some how. Even if the only way you can is to write him a letter. At least that will get your frustrations and pain out of you and may be a start on things. Some men just dont know how to react and are afraid to show their emotions. I dont know your husband, but to me, he needs to have guidance and understanding somehow on what you are going through. My heart aches for you and reaches out to you. You need support from him one way or another.

    take care
    laura
  • xskeetshooter
    xskeetshooter Member Posts: 169
    he is scared too
    my pa always told me , when a man lashes out at something you dont understand. its uaually something altogether different then he is lashing out about .somthing deep is bothering him...cancer is a scary word,
  • Alexis F
    Alexis F Member Posts: 3,598

    he is scared too
    my pa always told me , when a man lashes out at something you dont understand. its uaually something altogether different then he is lashing out about .somthing deep is bothering him...cancer is a scary word,

    My advice is what some have
    My advice is what some have already written. You need to talk to him. You need to maybe even schedule a time where you both can just sit down and discuss his feelings and what and how he needs to start doing things for you. Communication is what you need!

    Good luck to you!

    Lex♥