Taking care of Mom

marygilbert
marygilbert Member Posts: 9
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
My Mother survived breast cancer 7yrs ago. In April she found out that she has Ovarian cancer stage 3C. She had a hysterectomy and they were supposed to take her stomach lining at the same time, but the surgeon found more than what he expected. The stomach lining had more cancer than they had thought, she has a tumor on her colon (close to rectum)about the size of a pop can, she also has it on the outside of her bladder. They went ahead with the hysterectomy, and said for the quality of life they did not remove the tumor, because they would have had to put in a colostomy bag. Her surgeon then advised her to see a different doctor, at the Markey Cancer Center in Lexington Ky. This doctor seems to think he could remove the tumor and re-route the intestines also remove the remaining cancer they had found. So he decided 6 chemo treatments to try and shrink the tumor, and then they will go ahead with the other surgery. My Moms platelets have been very low and she has missed some of her chemo, so this past friday, was her final treatment. Then she found out that the type of cancer she has is fluid like and will without a doubt keep returning. She is supposed to have another year of chemo after this next major surgery, but she is so weak right now. She has some major decisions to make, and I dont know how to help her. She has always been such a strong woman, and I know she is tired. We know now that this surgery is only to relieve the pain she is going through, but does she continue with the chemo after, or should she just let her body rest. She is in so much pain, because of the tumor, maybe after the surgery she will be better, but reality is I fear she is just going to get worse and I dont want to build up her hopes. They have just started a support group in our town, and the 1st meeting is next tuesday...can anyone give me some input on what she should do?

Comments

  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #2
    Decisions
    It is so hard to watch someone we love in pain and sick. My husband just went on Hospice with stage 4 colon cancer. One of the hardest things for me to do was let him make the decisions. We talked things over, but I always told him that it was his decision because only he knew how he felt. It's his body. It is his life. He told me early on that he wasn't going to chase a cure. That he would try anything the doctors recommended and fight as long as he could. That's what he has done and we have had a great gift of time - 6 years. My only advise is to listen to your mom. Ask her the hard questions and really listen to her. Then you will both know what is right for her. Fay
  • marygilbert
    marygilbert Member Posts: 9
    #3
    grandmafay said:

    Decisions
    It is so hard to watch someone we love in pain and sick. My husband just went on Hospice with stage 4 colon cancer. One of the hardest things for me to do was let him make the decisions. We talked things over, but I always told him that it was his decision because only he knew how he felt. It's his body. It is his life. He told me early on that he wasn't going to chase a cure. That he would try anything the doctors recommended and fight as long as he could. That's what he has done and we have had a great gift of time - 6 years. My only advise is to listen to your mom. Ask her the hard questions and really listen to her. Then you will both know what is right for her. Fay

    Thank you Fay,and I'm so
    Thank you Fay,and I'm so sorry for you and your husband. I think cancer affects everyone. My Mom is just now starting to talk more and more about things that she wouldnt before. I think she is just worried about us and my father. I dont think she is afraid to die, she and God have a great relationship, its just the not knowing. With the breast cancer she had a fight in her, that she doesnt have this time,you can see it. From early on, when she found out, she has told us that she didnt think she could beat this. Her doctor is at UK and wants to put her on a clinical study, and she talked it over with all of us, because she wants to do all she can to help find a cure. We all agreed and think we have helped her make at least that one decision, her body has been through too much already,and she needs a rest...I just want her to be pain free and not suffer. Yes you are right it is very hard to watch someone you love go through something so hard. I will pray for you and your husband. And I will continue to make as many memories with my Mother as I can. God bless you. Mary
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #4
    marygilbert said:

    Thank you Fay,and I'm so
    Thank you Fay,and I'm so sorry for you and your husband. I think cancer affects everyone. My Mom is just now starting to talk more and more about things that she wouldnt before. I think she is just worried about us and my father. I dont think she is afraid to die, she and God have a great relationship, its just the not knowing. With the breast cancer she had a fight in her, that she doesnt have this time,you can see it. From early on, when she found out, she has told us that she didnt think she could beat this. Her doctor is at UK and wants to put her on a clinical study, and she talked it over with all of us, because she wants to do all she can to help find a cure. We all agreed and think we have helped her make at least that one decision, her body has been through too much already,and she needs a rest...I just want her to be pain free and not suffer. Yes you are right it is very hard to watch someone you love go through something so hard. I will pray for you and your husband. And I will continue to make as many memories with my Mother as I can. God bless you. Mary

    Communication
    I'm glad your family is communicating. We have strong faith, too. That really helps. My husband's biggest concern is me.I've assured him that I will be ok. Thank you for your prayers.
    We do feel them. My husband credits what he calls PPMM (Power of Prayer and Modern Medicine) with keeping him here this long. Take care. I will keep you and your family in my prayers, also. Fay
  • Girl_3
    Girl_3 Member Posts: 1
    #5
    Being far away
    I hope I haven't made an error and posted something twice. Sorry if I have. I am the youngest of three daughters and I live in Colorado. My mother is on the East Coast. She was diagnosed two years ago and had major surgery. We thought maybe she was cancer free, but her docs had warned that it was an aggressive cancer (it started as uterine). It's back and its bad. She is trying chemo -- but only as palliative care. We know we will lose her. I hate being so far away. My sisters are there and I have worked on traveling back and forth as much as possible. But it seems when I am there I get my mother while she is in a terrible mood --either because of chemo or pain pills. She just finished round two of chemo. And then I swear I regress when she is mean or says awful things to me -- I think about not talking with her -- just like I am a teenager again. I wonder will it only get harder or will I get better at this? And, am I wrong to keep trying to do my job and staying so far away or should I just go? I love my mother with all my heart and can't stand that she is going to be gone.
  • Barbara53
    Barbara53 Member Posts: 652
    #6
    Girl_3 said:

    Being far away
    I hope I haven't made an error and posted something twice. Sorry if I have. I am the youngest of three daughters and I live in Colorado. My mother is on the East Coast. She was diagnosed two years ago and had major surgery. We thought maybe she was cancer free, but her docs had warned that it was an aggressive cancer (it started as uterine). It's back and its bad. She is trying chemo -- but only as palliative care. We know we will lose her. I hate being so far away. My sisters are there and I have worked on traveling back and forth as much as possible. But it seems when I am there I get my mother while she is in a terrible mood --either because of chemo or pain pills. She just finished round two of chemo. And then I swear I regress when she is mean or says awful things to me -- I think about not talking with her -- just like I am a teenager again. I wonder will it only get harder or will I get better at this? And, am I wrong to keep trying to do my job and staying so far away or should I just go? I love my mother with all my heart and can't stand that she is going to be gone.

    Just go
    Just go. Talk with your sisters, and ask for their help creating an opening for you. Then check your ego at the door, because the old game is over. Your mother may get "meaner" as she loses inhibitions and becomes more childlike, but she also may get to be more fun. Dig up some good memories from the past and bring them to her to share. When you're back home, send her little gifts and call her more than you think you should. Love her like a precious baby. It won't change her, but it will change you.
  • marygilbert
    marygilbert Member Posts: 9
    #7
    Barbara53 said:

    Just go
    Just go. Talk with your sisters, and ask for their help creating an opening for you. Then check your ego at the door, because the old game is over. Your mother may get "meaner" as she loses inhibitions and becomes more childlike, but she also may get to be more fun. Dig up some good memories from the past and bring them to her to share. When you're back home, send her little gifts and call her more than you think you should. Love her like a precious baby. It won't change her, but it will change you.

    My mother
    My mother on top of everything else that is going on, is very hard to read. I totally understand what you are saying. I am the middle girl out of 3, and my youngest sister lives off, and when she comes in ,its the same way. but it is not only with her. You just have to understand what kind of state of mind she is in, this is what I remind myself over and over. I cant imagine being told that I have cancer and facing the unknown...going through chemo and being poked and poked, feeling so sick sometimes you would like to end it......their emotions are on a roller coaster and there are so many different emotions that they go through, anger, sad, anger, not understanding,anger, why me, denial,anger...it is very difficult to watch and be part of, especially if you have had trouble in the past and have wanted to have a different relationship with your Mom. That is where I am, and all I am doing is putting the past in the past and loving her with all I have, and doing what everyone I have talked to about this has told me....make as many memories with your Mom that you possibly can and hold on to them with all you have....you know your Mother loves you and I know you love her, and maybe like they said before it wont change her, but you will feel satisfied knowing that you have gave all that you can, and dont take it personal if she says something that offends you, try to laugh it off, and more than anything, try to make her laugh...when I see my Mom smile or laugh at something right now....my heart just wells up...this is the mom I remember and have always wanted and now.....who knows......I feel for you and I will pray for you and your Mother....

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