Taking care of Mom

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marygilbert
marygilbert Member Posts: 9
edited March 2014 in Ovarian Cancer #1
My Mother survived breast cancer 7yrs ago. In April she found out that she has Ovarian cancer stage 3C. She had a hysterectomy and they were supposed to take her stomach lining at the same time, but the surgeon found more than what he expected. The stomach lining had more cancer than they had thought, she has a tumor on her colon (close to rectum)about the size of a pop can, she also has it on the outside of her bladder. They went ahead with the hysterectomy, and said for the quality of life they did not remove the tumor, because they would have had to put in a colostomy bag. Her surgeon then advised her to see a different doctor, at the Markey Cancer Center in Lexington Ky. This doctor seems to think he could remove the tumor and re-route the intestines also remove the remaining cancer they had found. So he decided 6 chemo treatments to try and shrink the tumor, and then they will go ahead with the other surgery. My Moms platelets have been very low and she has missed some of her chemo, so this past friday, was her final treatment. Then she found out that the type of cancer she has is fluid like and will without a doubt keep returning. She is supposed to have another year of chemo after this next major surgery, but she is so weak right now. She has some major decisions to make, and I dont know how to help her. She has always been such a strong woman, and I know she is tired. We know now that this surgery is only to relieve the pain she is going through, but does she continue with the chemo after, or should she just let her body rest. She is in so much pain, because of the tumor, maybe after the surgery she will be better, but reality is I fear she is just going to get worse and I dont want to build up her hopes. They have just started a support group in our town, and the 1st meeting is next tuesday...can anyone give me some input on what she should do?

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  • saundra
    saundra Member Posts: 1,370 Member
    #2
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    What I did
    I had a frank talk with my doctor. It is important to me to have "quality of life" and so we are just taking enough chemo to hold the tumors down and give me some recovery time to live as well as you can with cancer. Right now I have only one tumor showing on my colon, lower left side. I am bothered with some "diverticulitis" in the exact same area that is very painful when it flares up. Worse than the tumor pain.
    Your mother must make her own decisions as to what she wants to go through. Does she have a end of life directory on file with the cancer treatment doctor? My oncologist required one. These are difficult times for the whole family, but better with frank discussions within the family, we found. However, there are some people that just prefer to not know any of the facts and I understand that. Where does your Mother fall on this line of choices? The support group is a great thing to attend. Saundra
  • marygilbert
    marygilbert Member Posts: 9
    #3
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    saundra said:

    What I did
    I had a frank talk with my doctor. It is important to me to have "quality of life" and so we are just taking enough chemo to hold the tumors down and give me some recovery time to live as well as you can with cancer. Right now I have only one tumor showing on my colon, lower left side. I am bothered with some "diverticulitis" in the exact same area that is very painful when it flares up. Worse than the tumor pain.
    Your mother must make her own decisions as to what she wants to go through. Does she have a end of life directory on file with the cancer treatment doctor? My oncologist required one. These are difficult times for the whole family, but better with frank discussions within the family, we found. However, there are some people that just prefer to not know any of the facts and I understand that. Where does your Mother fall on this line of choices? The support group is a great thing to attend. Saundra

    I dont think her doctor has
    I dont think her doctor has ever discussed an end of life directory, not sure what that is. Should we mention this to her doctor? I know that she has to make her own decisions, I just want to let her know that I stand behind her 100% with any choice she makes.But right now I know she is so confused, mad, doesn't understand, and at the same time she doesnt want to talk about it alot, because I feel she is in denial with the news she has been given. She was expecting to be like the breast cancer, which was very different. We live in a very small town in Ky, and we have just now got a support group, well the 1st class is next tues. I'm hoping this will help her, to speak with others going through the same situations. My father I think will benefit from this as well. Thank you so much for writing about this. I have two sisters and we are just beside ourselves, we want to help her deal with this, but dont want to go about it the wrong way. Maybe this support group will make her able to discuss it with us as a family.
  • Barbara53
    Barbara53 Member Posts: 652
    #4
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    marygilbert said:

    I dont think her doctor has
    I dont think her doctor has ever discussed an end of life directory, not sure what that is. Should we mention this to her doctor? I know that she has to make her own decisions, I just want to let her know that I stand behind her 100% with any choice she makes.But right now I know she is so confused, mad, doesn't understand, and at the same time she doesnt want to talk about it alot, because I feel she is in denial with the news she has been given. She was expecting to be like the breast cancer, which was very different. We live in a very small town in Ky, and we have just now got a support group, well the 1st class is next tues. I'm hoping this will help her, to speak with others going through the same situations. My father I think will benefit from this as well. Thank you so much for writing about this. I have two sisters and we are just beside ourselves, we want to help her deal with this, but dont want to go about it the wrong way. Maybe this support group will make her able to discuss it with us as a family.

    Nobody wants to go
    The doctors avoid discussing discouraging terminal prognoses with patients because many patients are better off in denial. I wouldn't have believed that until the past year of helping my mother through surgery and chemo (also stage 3c). Right now she probably has months, but who knows? She prefers denial, and we can't figure out outcomes or timing anyway.

    Just sitting around talking with Mom, helping her feel more comfortable and basically passing time together is what she wants, much more than truth. She's less afraid when she's not alone. Your mother has been through so much, and she's probably like mine. Today I had to remind her (again) that being old and sick is not a personal failure. She's put up a courageous fight. And if it doesn't work out, so what? We are in this together. One of the few good things about cancer is that it really gets love out in the open.
  • charity73
    charity73 Member Posts: 4
    #5
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    Whats best
    Your mother has to weigh the options. To put it the only way I know how. My mother was diagnosed at the time of surgery on Septenber 05,2009. They found the cancer has matastasized to the intestins and colon. Similar to your mother. My mothers first chemo treatment was administered while she was still in the hospital. Are the side effects of chemo worth it? has the cancer taken over so much that the chemo really wont do much other than prolong your mothers life a short while longer? I understand how you must feel and I sympothise with you. You have to let your mother make the decision. Is she ready to stop fighting and try to live out the rest of her life as comfortably as she can? Let her decide. Just be there for her no matter her choice. Be strong. Please forgive me if I am speaking out of the way. Since my mothers diagnosis I have had noone to express my thaughs.
  • Lisa13Q
    Lisa13Q Member Posts: 677
    #6
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    marygilbert said:

    I dont think her doctor has
    I dont think her doctor has ever discussed an end of life directory, not sure what that is. Should we mention this to her doctor? I know that she has to make her own decisions, I just want to let her know that I stand behind her 100% with any choice she makes.But right now I know she is so confused, mad, doesn't understand, and at the same time she doesnt want to talk about it alot, because I feel she is in denial with the news she has been given. She was expecting to be like the breast cancer, which was very different. We live in a very small town in Ky, and we have just now got a support group, well the 1st class is next tues. I'm hoping this will help her, to speak with others going through the same situations. My father I think will benefit from this as well. Thank you so much for writing about this. I have two sisters and we are just beside ourselves, we want to help her deal with this, but dont want to go about it the wrong way. Maybe this support group will make her able to discuss it with us as a family.

    So Sorry
    Mary,

    My mother hasn't even been able to have s de-buking yet because her cancer is so spread and didn't "melt away" as much as everyone had hoped. She just does not want to know the facts. The oncologist asked, "how much do you want to know?", and she replied, "only what I need to do". We have all respected that. She doesn't even keep track of her CA-125. That is totally her choice. I talk to her about what we feel like. We enjoy each other. If she wants to talk cancer then we do, if we don't we don't. I have learned since her diagnosis July 25th that this is her process and she gets to do it however she wants. Of course she is confused and upset. That makes total sense. The best way you can help her deal with this is just to be by her side and let her know you love her. I also let her know on an ongoing basis that no matter what happens, we all will be fine...
    I am sorry you are going through this. It is so hard to watch our Moms suffer and struggle so.

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