just4Brooks Member Posts: 980 Member
edited March 2014 in Colorectal Cancer #1
I was told that I have stage 3 rectal April 14 2009. I've been through the first round of chemo and radation then have surgery on August 13. Today I was hooked up with my PICC line to start my final round of chemo (I hope). I find myself being so angry and at times very sorry for myself. At times it's so hard to see the good things in live when all you feel is hurt and sick. My dr started me on a Anti depressant today and wants me to talk to his Social worker (I might). As you can tell, I'ts been a rough few months. I have days that are up and down.. Mostly down


  • mommyof2kds
    mommyof2kds Member Posts: 519
    You are not alone.
    I think it is human to feel this way. It takes so much out of us, it is hard to still try and be happy and enjoy things. I feel that way also. I was stage 3 and had surgery in june. I still have up and down days, don't feel alone. Thats why this site is so good, you realize you are not alone and that helps. I also was started on a anti-dep, and anti-anx.. I ocassionally take ativan when I need to take the edge off and have sleeping pills. whatever halps to get us through these hard times. I feel self pity at times and even though I know the diagnosis could have been worse, it is still hard to enjoy life at this moment in time because of all the poison pumped in our veins, just makes up feel like crap. Hang in there.. Hope you feel better soon.. Petrina
  • Kathleen808
    Kathleen808 Member Posts: 2,342 Member
    we're here
    You said it well. All of us have felt those ups and downs during this journey. It's good your doc is on it. **** and I found that once he was into routine with the chemo things settled down. He also found that any time he could walk or get outside and move it was better for him.

    Take care.
  • tiny one
    tiny one Member Posts: 465 Member
    Feb 1, 2007 I was diagnosed
    Feb 1, 2007 I was diagnosed with colon cancer. I had a resection a temporary ileostomy, 5 1/2 wks of chemo and radiation and 6 months of chemo. I was stage 3 also. I had my reversal Dec 21, 2007. I still have occasionally some very bad days. I am not on anti depressants, I was afraid it would cause more bathroom issues. I have found that the cancer support groups I go to have really been helpful. I don't agree with some of the views of the group but it helps to talk to others who've gone thru treatment. I didn't think that the surgery and chemo would almost last 1 year. The side effects for me were pretty mild. However my reversal was very rough. Still having bad days from it. I also found that keeping a journal helped. Somedays it helped to write down why I was so mad. A lot has been done to you, it is a long process but you will get there.
  • PhillieG
    PhillieG Member Posts: 4,866 Member
    You're not alone
    Face it, getting the news and having surgery and chemo sucks. It's a tough pill to swallow. I tried for about 4-5 months to go it alone and not talk to anyone (professional) about it nor did I want any mood altering drugs. Then I fell apart. I found a good therapist who deals with cancer, and other things. (I have a funny story about another therapist I'll save for another time) I've been with her for 4 years or more, and I also started with an anti-depressant and anti-anxiety meds. They help a lot. I used to have an attitude toward people who took them, even if they didn't have cancer, but sometimes the going gets rough and you may need some help. I had a major turn around and have no problem using them to help me. One thing to remember is that not all of the anti depressants work the same for everyone. You may have to try 1,2,3 different types before you find the one that works for you. I am on a minimal dose but it's just enough to take that edge off and help me get through life with cancer. Best of luck to you Brooks, I've ridden on the roller coaster many times and I'm sure I'll ride it again. Hang in there.
  • tootsie1
    tootsie1 Member Posts: 5,044 Member
    I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. It's perfectly understandable. I hope the medication will help, and that you will talk to someone if you need to.

    I'll be praying for you.

  • Patteee
    Patteee Member Posts: 945
    you are not alone
    I was also on anti depressants while going through chemo. My mood swings evened out, wasn't so teary. I was pretty sick on chemo and oh yeah I can relate to it really screwing with your emotions. A couple of things I did that helped:
    1. Never looked back. Surgery was done, over, finished, what was ahead was my focus. Never thought in terms of just finishing 4 treatments, always looked at what was left. Many many many days I could only focus on the ending of the day and knowing I would start another day tomorrow, bringing me closer to finishing.
    2. Every day I took a shower and put clean clothes on. Many days I had to drag myself to the tub, then take a rest on the rug before getting in the bath. I would lay on my bed after it was all said and done, hair wet, deodorant on, completely dressed- and cheering myself on through tears, I DID IT
    3. Let go of what you used to do. Example- I let go of a clean house- and actually told people who wanted to know if they could do something, to come and clean for me. And they did
    4. I am a teacher and dropped down to half-time along with taking a lot of sick days. Best thing I ever did. So glad I could do that!
    5. I got out of the house every single day. For very small things- lots of drives, shopping (short trips and I always used a scooter)- even though it exhausted me, I pressed on. I wanted every single day to count. That was important to me.

    You are not alone, ok? Truly, your body, mind and soul is going through the ringer right now and will continue for a spell. You will get through this!!
  • shrevebud
    shrevebud Member Posts: 105
    Hi there:

    Sorry that you are feeling down right now. I've been there. You got some good replies to your posting. Most of us feel these things at some time or another - the "why/how did this happen to me?", etc. feeling and a lot of other feelings that can bring us down. I don't like it when I get those feelings, but even after 2 and a half years of fighting, I still have down times. My experience has been that it will pass and I know this. One of the good things is that you're still here and on your way to recovery. The medicine was probably a good idea - good thing your doctor responded to that. Going through all this is not easy and if we need medicine to help us deal with it then we need it. My challenge has been sleep. I have faith that you're going to pull out of this. Take care and hope you get to feeling better soon and know that you're not alone in this journey. Roy
    GOOFYLADIE Member Posts: 232 Member
    Hi Brooks, Just reading all the blogs, you made me sit taller, feel prouder, and lets me know you are not alone.I am an 11 year stage IV Dukes C Carcinoma survivor.They removed a grapefruit sized (positive)mass and 19 of the 32 lymph nodes they removed were cancerous. I know stage IV is terminal. I am what the doctor called a miracle and if I pulled out this, after "they dipped me in **** and came up smelling like a rose." I KNOW YOU CAN! I have read your blog a few times now. Felling angry, and hurt and sorry for yourself, I think is just one of those walk in the parks with cancer we all or most of us have had to go thru. My down times, since I had 3 young children 10, 7 and 4. I fell apart in the shower, pissed off at the world and moaned and bitched and cried. I never knew how exilerating it could be to just lose it. By the time I got out of the shower, I was too exhaused to be pissed or feel sorry for myself. And you don't feel guity or stupid for crying when no one can see you. Besides this roller coaster ride is one hell of a trip. You have the right to those feelings. You also have the right to set your self straight and move forward and know with all the faith you have, even if you think you have lost your faith in this journey; you know BLIND FAITH will and can carry you thru, even if the best thing you did all day was get out of your pajamas. That's how alot of my days went because I was flatass too tired and sick, and sick of being sick and tired. You hang in there because this too shall pass as they say and I know it is easier said than done.Sounds like your doing what you need to do, you are aware that keeps you ahead of the game. Keep asking for help and answers to your questions the ride gets a little easier when you have more information and all of us to lean on.
    Make it a great day.
    Cass (Goofyladie)