Struggling Daughter

tertree63

I dont know how to explain all this but my mom 72 has stage 4 lung cancer that has spread to her lymph nodes, bones, basically thruout her body...anyhow im getting so frustrated with her...
when I first went and got her (she lived in TN Im in FL) to bring her home with me for treatment (june) she was in so much pain it hurt her to move, anyhow she started chemo..did fine...started radation got to the last session and she started terrible side effects...esophagus burnt...not able to eat...she loses weight down to 87 lbs..
dr gives her meds to help wth that but she wont take them..it tastes bad...
I keep trying different stuff to get her to eat.. other then her not being able to eat she is feeling better not as much pain.. she was totally dependant on me for eveything now she can do more on her own... dr told her she would always have the oxygen..its gone, dr told her she wouldnt walk again...until 2 days ago she was using her walker...
she keeps complaining she isnt getting better and I keep reminding her when she came here 3 months ago she couldnt walk, or move without pain... so we go to the dr this past friday and she wasnt going to tell him she was out of her wheel chair and walkign around the house..
I tell him...hes very happy tells her the treatments must be working!
well day after dr. appointment she insists she cant walk anymore she hurts all over so she is back in the wheelchair.. when no one is around she tends to walk pretty good with her hanging on to things...then she says when she gets up in mornings she cant walk, her shoulder hurts etc...
I dont know how much is real and how much is for sympathy... not as many people are calling her now that she is getting better, noone has asked to come visit now that she was gettign better etc...
She has medicine for every ailment she has but other then her strong pain meds she refuses to take anything else...she always has a reason...
I know its got to be hard on her knowing she doesnt have much time left...and I try to remember that but i miss my pre cancer life..and feel guilty about that...I had a chance to go out of town with my husband last night and couldnt go because she says she's getting worse
the dr upped her anti depressants to double what she was taking...
We have never been close although she thinks we are...she was not a good mother growing up and theres just alot of stuff i have a hard time forgetting....
Am I a terrible person for having these feelings of frustration and wishing i had my pre cancer life back?

newbride

You are not a horrible person
Believe me....my husband is not 1/2 as bad as you are describing your mother to be and there are many times I wish I can turn the clock back. It's a natural feeling - we all get that.

I can say that I do believe your mom does feel worse in the mornings, I know my husband does - he says the mornings are the worse for him.

I really don't have advice for you - nor should I give it, you really need to go with your gut feeling you know her best. If you think she is trying to get symphathy -- test it -- go out with your husband and see how she does - take 2 hours or so it doesn't have to be an entire nite.

Best wishes

trish07

She may be afraid...
Sounds like your mom is pretty frail. Of course since I don't know her, just guessing, it sounds like she is afraid that if she gets better she will be left on her own and that is probably very scary for her. She is apparently in really bad shape,sounds like the cancer has her almost entirely in it's grips.
In her weakened state, although she is better than when she arrived, not wanting nutrition or other medicine except for pain,may be a sign that she wants to give up. Using the walker and such may be her just attempting to satisfy the urgings of family and Dr.
It may be that at this point she dosen't want to endure treatment and hasn't voiced it. Again, I'm just making guesses at why she is acting the way she is, and I could be totally incorrect.

I do know one thing for sure,you should not feel guilty for wanting your pre-cancer life back. It would not be normal for you not to want that. Being a caregiver is without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever been faced with. The one statement that caretakers feel the most afraid of making is I WISH I HAD MY LIFE BACK!

There are only two individuals who would take offense to hear a caretaker say those words, 1.Those that have never been a caretaker 2.Those that are caretakers reaching for sainthood that shame others for saying what they are denying to themselves.

I think it is important for you to take time for you and your husband. Go to dinner, enjoy yourself, take a much deserved breather. Obviously she needs care but you need to take care of yourself too. [ put your guilt in a bag and throw it in the trash where it belongs....

Take Care and Keep Us Posted, Trish

grandmafay

Forget Guilt
Forget the guilt. I know that's easier to say than do. I know I am doing the best I can, but I still have to fight the guilt trip at times. Of course we would all like our pre-cancer life back. We grieve for that life. That doesn't make us bad people. It makes us human. Take care of yourself. See if you can get some time to yourself and for your marriage. Ask the onc. if home care for respite care is available. Just remember that the best you can do is your best at the time. Fay