First time to reach out for help.

Daddyslittlegirl

My father is 86 years old and had a ERCP this past Friday while in the hospital. Doctor gave me the news that it is Cancer. My dad has no medical insurance other than Medicare and has been paying on medical bills for the past 3 years for a long stay at the hospital's ICU in 2006. He has refused to go to the ER on numerouse occasions simply to avoid any additional medical bills. I somehow someway have managed to get him there though. My husband and I have helped with the bills in the past but we just had a 3 month premature baby due to Preeclampsia and I have had to stop working. So needless to say, we are in a huge financial crisis ourselves.
The financial burden has taken a toll on my father's emotional well being and he has become very depressed.
After talking to his doctor he told me that dad would get to go home for a week and then he would see another specialists to see if the Cancer has spread to other organs. If it has not spread, then they would see if my dad's condition would allow for surgery to remove it. But if it has spread then we would need to discuss other options. I was devastated. I could not allow my dad to be discharged from the hospital to just sit at home for a week and dwell on the fact that he has Cancer. Not to mention that he has even made comments before about "accidental death" situations. So I decided that I would not mention to him the fact that the tumor is Cancer until we know if it has spread or not. This way I can tell him what the next steps and options will be.

Am I doing the right thing? I feel soooo overwhelmed! I don't know what to do anymore. I have literally made myself sick to my stomach several days this week just worrying about it. I love my dad more than anything in this world and would never try to hurt him. If anything, I want to prevent him from any additional stress or pain. I am afraid that once he finds out he has Cancer, he will loose hope and loose his will to fight. My grandfather died of Cancer and my dad has always said he wouldn't deal with it. That scares me.

Please...if anyone has any suggestions, please share.

I feel like my days and nights are moving in slow motion and that I am just living a horrible dream. I'm having such a hard time accepting this. My dad has always been my EVERYTHING! I know that I need to take day by day...but I just completely break down and feel like my world has ended. I want him to have hope and the will to fight this! I will be his biggest support and will NOT leave him for a second going through this. But how can I get him to want the same and not give up?

I feel so lost and alone. I am so emotionally and physically tired that at times I feel numb.

Please help.

SonSon

Ideas for Dad...
You did not mention what sort of cancer or where.
This website has something called "Treatment Decision Tools" which can help organize your focus on areas that you need to ask important questions about (with your doctor(s)). You should be able to see the link to the left of this page.
If you CALL American Cancer Society they can send you booklets that help you with the doctor visits and what questions to ask.
To tell or not to tell (that's been discussed on these boards)?
Hmmm - My husband has chosen not to tell his mother she has cancer - but she knows she is sick and has many times said that she does not have long to live. His reason is the same - to give her hope. But all her agony without explanation is in itself making her fell hopeless. What a cruel catch 22.
Personally, I think it is better to let a person have some awareness of their condition and give them the opportunity to come to terms with it and say their goodbyes and do that one (or two or three) things they really want to do.
About paying...MOST hospitals (and every one I ever visited) has some sort of charity assistance program. Some find it humiliating to submit themselves to financial scrutiny and have to say that they just can't pay for their own care...but the alternative is not being able to pay for the care and not getting the care. These programs pay part of the costs up to all of the costs. Check it out - You can contact the hospital social worker to ask about available programs, too.
I hope this helps.
Fatima

newbride

Some support and advice
First, stop worrying about the medical bills, especially if he had no medical insurance and second DON'T help pay the bills.

We were in the same situation with my father in law when he was diagnosed. You cannot begin to imagine how helpful the hospitals actually are. Call the social worker and explain the situation. Make sure whenever they give a form to fill out that YOU don't sign anything - let him sign everything. When bills come in ask for compassion care and explain that he cannot afford the bills, believe it or not they will write off a good portion of it.

Sadly, my father in law did not make it in the end, but any unpaid bills just went away.

Good luck and best wishes to your dad

SonSon

newbride said:

Some support and advice
First, stop worrying about the medical bills, especially if he had no medical insurance and second DON'T help pay the bills.

We were in the same situation with my father in law when he was diagnosed. You cannot begin to imagine how helpful the hospitals actually are. Call the social worker and explain the situation. Make sure whenever they give a form to fill out that YOU don't sign anything - let him sign everything. When bills come in ask for compassion care and explain that he cannot afford the bills, believe it or not they will write off a good portion of it.

Sadly, my father in law did not make it in the end, but any unpaid bills just went away.

Good luck and best wishes to your dad

Newbride - Don't pay the bills...
Hello, Newbride,
You mentioned to have the patient sign everything, which I've been doing for my mother-in-law...except for the papers for hospice care. So, when I read your message I thought "OMG, hospice is going to come after me for all the costs..." - even thought they said that charity care is available and would probably apply to her.
What do you think? Cancel with them and restart, but this time have her sign the papers???
Fatima

whichwitch

sometimes people react a
sometimes people react a whole different way than what we think. You might consider telling him. It could help you out and he may be your support you need also. Maybe you both can decide how and when and what to do. You don't need that burden on you and it only gets bigger. I am sorry to hear what you are going through. you will be in my prayers and see if the hopsital has a social worker who can help you make these tuff decisions.

newbride

SonSon said:

Newbride - Don't pay the bills...
Hello, Newbride,
You mentioned to have the patient sign everything, which I've been doing for my mother-in-law...except for the papers for hospice care. So, when I read your message I thought "OMG, hospice is going to come after me for all the costs..." - even thought they said that charity care is available and would probably apply to her.
What do you think? Cancel with them and restart, but this time have her sign the papers???
Fatima

Fatima
I don't think you have to worry. I thought (and I could be totally wrong) that hospice usually does not bill, or doesn't bill much. Read over the papers you signed and see what you signed for -- did you sign that you are her contact, health care proxy, etc or did you sign that you will be responsible for all bills? If you signed that you will be responsible for all bills, make sure you read all of them thoroughly and even challenge them if you feel they are overbilling.

Barbara53

Going with the process
Now that WW brought it up, I have to agree that a process seems to be unfolding as I help my mother leave this world. Shielding someone from the truth works sometimes, but eventually they will need a more open form of honesty. It's a personal thing, and it's hard to tell what to do or say when you want to be supportive. If I were terminal, I would want to know. At your dad's age, I would not want to fight, either.

With Mom, I can tell from the look on her face that she's working through lots of stuff inside, and it's just not my work to do. Death is a process for everyone concerned.

I'm a daddy's girl, too, and I had the priviledge of taking care of my dad in his last days several years ago. It will be okay. Love knows what to do.

zahalene

Barbara53 said:

Going with the process
Now that WW brought it up, I have to agree that a process seems to be unfolding as I help my mother leave this world. Shielding someone from the truth works sometimes, but eventually they will need a more open form of honesty. It's a personal thing, and it's hard to tell what to do or say when you want to be supportive. If I were terminal, I would want to know. At your dad's age, I would not want to fight, either.

With Mom, I can tell from the look on her face that she's working through lots of stuff inside, and it's just not my work to do. Death is a process for everyone concerned.

I'm a daddy's girl, too, and I had the priviledge of taking care of my dad in his last days several years ago. It will be okay. Love knows what to do.

Barbara....
(my name is Barbara too, by the way.)
I just wanted to echo your last sentence. Love does know what to do. Somehow when we follow our heart and our best instincts, the love we feel for those we care for is so evident that even if we hesitate over this or that course of action, we can be assured that the 'spirit connection' we have with our loved one will hold fast in the face of all the hard decisions.

Unknown

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