New at being sick and terminal...

MinnieMN

How the heck do I wrap my head around this besides denial? Please help me decide....If I allow myself to be admitted to the hospital this Thursday for treatment...am I checking in to check out, so to speak? I'm so scared. I'm not ready to die yet. I don't want to die-I don't know what happens after someone dies, so that makes it even more terrifying. I hope the treatment that I am on (pills and needle) are doing something-if not, I only have 10-12 months from last May. I can try going into the hospital for aggressive treatment, but I don't know.....it's scary!! I am in pain everyday, and I am afraid that each day is just going to get worse. I am not ready to be done here on this earth!!!! Are the good days gone? I haven't told my family yet (they live half of a country away). My friends know, but what if they stop wanting to hang out with a sick, dying person? I have become kind of weak-I'm so tired most of the time, but I'm STILL going to work. It takes everything that I have and then some, but I can't just stay here in the house and face reality every second of every day. I need some people that I can talk to about this...any suggestions?

kay-b

I'm so sorry Minnie. When
I'm so sorry Minnie. When did you find out about all this? It seems to be fairly new news to you. I was diagnosed w/ Cervical Cancer last year and I too am terminal. Of course it's scary and you feel like everything is spinning out of control. The main thing you need is support. It helps me to be able to talk about things, that's why i've joined this site. I've learned i'm not alone. The treatment can be tough, it's been making me very sick lately and I am deciding now if I want to continue on with treatment. That's a tough choice but I gotta do what's best for me.

It gets easier to accept, at least it did for me. I have a counselor I talk to about everything that scares me, as I don't have any family, and the only friend I had has left me. She helps me to feel not so afraid. If I were you i'd tell your family. They love you and i'm sure want to help you through such a difficult time in your life. Try to relax, I know that's easier said than done. If you Ever need to talk i'm here for you. Blessings,

Kay-b

sue Siwek

there is help you just need
there is help you just need to ask. talk to your doctor and he should directed you to a counselor, also community mental health can direct you. most of all i would not accept a timeline for end of life. my husband was told that he had a death sentence with brain cancer and that was nearly 10 yrs. ago. get on line, google your type of cancer and see what comes up. find the nearest and best teaching hospital and get another opinion. friends are wonderful but family is forever tell them. allow them took show their love for you.last of all have you checked out the clinical trials going on concerning your cancer? a good teaching hospital will have a list of these trials that could extend your life until a new chemo comes out. don't set back you are still breathing! have a cry, scream then get up and get going. enlist any friend or family member that is willing to help you.

bluerose

Prayers coming your way Minnie
I am so sorry to hear of your recent medical diagnosis. While I am not in the same situation right now I have been at the brink 3 times during my treatments so I have felt a little of what you are feeling. Also I think that all of your emotions and questionings are felt by many cancer patients somewhere along the way as we oftentimes just don't know what is going to happen to us so we start the questioning process early. All that pales in comparison I'm sure to actually being told what you have been told.

I think that Kay's idea of getting a good counsellor is the best thing you could do, especially since you are alone. Coincidentally I am seeing my counsellor tomorrow for a double visit and I know mine helps me through all kinds of difficult times and I just know that with a little help from your family doctor you will be able to locate a good one, or your oncologist might even be better to ask about a referral.

I know that for me, when I was doing poorly, I prayed an awful lot and had prayer chains also praying for me at 2 churches. I have never been a devout church goer and can't make morning services but instead I watch The Hour Of Power on tv and that does it for me. Even that I don't do on a regular basis but it helps too. Contact a few churches in your area and ask to be put on their prayer chains list and they will continuously pray for you and that is powerful stuff I feel. I really hope you take the idea of seeing a counsellor to heart, I'm sure that will give you a much needed out for your feelings as this board does for some it as well.

Your fear of your friends leaving you when they find out is a concern but you must try to just handle things day by day and not presume or guess at what might or might not happen if you possibly can. You have enough on your plate in the moment. The good true friends will stay and some might not be able to cope but that's okay, you only want the true friends around you anyways, right? I would definitely let the family know though, just my opinion. There could be support there that you don't even realize and probably need. People surprise you at times like this I have found.

I applaude you for still working but I am wondering if you are taking on too much right now. Maybe you should consider pulling back a bit, maybe doing more part time instead if your company allows that? I don't know if you can financially do this but there may be some sort of disability money you could access, not sure how it all works in your area or country?

Pastors of churches can be of assistance sometimes too, not sure if you are connected with one or not?

Whatever you decide to go with I hope you will find someone to help support you and encourage you. Don't give up Minnie but you may have to consider pulling back a bit. Listen to your body when it wants to rest, it's fighting a big battle that's why it's tired.

Use this board whenever you want to chat too or ask questions, many understand alot of what you are going through if not all. Kay is, like she said, in a similar situation and is a great support herself, it always astounds me when survivors who are in the midst of crisis themselves are always the first to reach out and help others. You might try that too, giving others encouragment - that helps to empower you as well. You are a great role model too, continuing to work through it all and being strong enough to open yourself up to the board and share, that will encourage others too. Don't give up.

You talked about the 'denial' you felt you were in and that is normal as long as you don't get stuck in denial and don't move on to the other stages of grief. You will go through all the other stages too like 'why me', anger, blame, etc', all totally normal
when we are dealing with our own mortality. Like I said before though, just don't get stuck too long in one stage. A good counsellor will help you through them all too, so another good reason to seek out a counsellor sooner rather than later. This counsellor should be a grief counsellor or one who deals with cancer patients, if at all possible.

Take care of you first Minnie. Keep us up to date on how things are going. Miracles happen everyday Minnie, don't forget that.

Has your doc talked to you about any clinical trials out there that you may qualify for?

It sure is alot to get your head around, it would be for anyone, please think about that counsellor though, she/he could make things alot easier for you.

Have you tired meditation at all? It truly calms the mind and body, you can get all kinds of good tapes to help you through meditations. Visualizations are great as well, they have all kinds of books and tapes for that as well.

Well I had better sign off here. I wish you nothing but better days ahead. You are in my prayers. Blessings, Bluerose

MinnieMN

bluerose said:

Prayers coming your way Minnie
I am so sorry to hear of your recent medical diagnosis. While I am not in the same situation right now I have been at the brink 3 times during my treatments so I have felt a little of what you are feeling. Also I think that all of your emotions and questionings are felt by many cancer patients somewhere along the way as we oftentimes just don't know what is going to happen to us so we start the questioning process early. All that pales in comparison I'm sure to actually being told what you have been told.

I think that Kay's idea of getting a good counsellor is the best thing you could do, especially since you are alone. Coincidentally I am seeing my counsellor tomorrow for a double visit and I know mine helps me through all kinds of difficult times and I just know that with a little help from your family doctor you will be able to locate a good one, or your oncologist might even be better to ask about a referral.

I know that for me, when I was doing poorly, I prayed an awful lot and had prayer chains also praying for me at 2 churches. I have never been a devout church goer and can't make morning services but instead I watch The Hour Of Power on tv and that does it for me. Even that I don't do on a regular basis but it helps too. Contact a few churches in your area and ask to be put on their prayer chains list and they will continuously pray for you and that is powerful stuff I feel. I really hope you take the idea of seeing a counsellor to heart, I'm sure that will give you a much needed out for your feelings as this board does for some it as well.

Your fear of your friends leaving you when they find out is a concern but you must try to just handle things day by day and not presume or guess at what might or might not happen if you possibly can. You have enough on your plate in the moment. The good true friends will stay and some might not be able to cope but that's okay, you only want the true friends around you anyways, right? I would definitely let the family know though, just my opinion. There could be support there that you don't even realize and probably need. People surprise you at times like this I have found.

I applaude you for still working but I am wondering if you are taking on too much right now. Maybe you should consider pulling back a bit, maybe doing more part time instead if your company allows that? I don't know if you can financially do this but there may be some sort of disability money you could access, not sure how it all works in your area or country?

Pastors of churches can be of assistance sometimes too, not sure if you are connected with one or not?

Whatever you decide to go with I hope you will find someone to help support you and encourage you. Don't give up Minnie but you may have to consider pulling back a bit. Listen to your body when it wants to rest, it's fighting a big battle that's why it's tired.

Use this board whenever you want to chat too or ask questions, many understand alot of what you are going through if not all. Kay is, like she said, in a similar situation and is a great support herself, it always astounds me when survivors who are in the midst of crisis themselves are always the first to reach out and help others. You might try that too, giving others encouragment - that helps to empower you as well. You are a great role model too, continuing to work through it all and being strong enough to open yourself up to the board and share, that will encourage others too. Don't give up.

You talked about the 'denial' you felt you were in and that is normal as long as you don't get stuck in denial and don't move on to the other stages of grief. You will go through all the other stages too like 'why me', anger, blame, etc', all totally normal
when we are dealing with our own mortality. Like I said before though, just don't get stuck too long in one stage. A good counsellor will help you through them all too, so another good reason to seek out a counsellor sooner rather than later. This counsellor should be a grief counsellor or one who deals with cancer patients, if at all possible.

Take care of you first Minnie. Keep us up to date on how things are going. Miracles happen everyday Minnie, don't forget that.

Has your doc talked to you about any clinical trials out there that you may qualify for?

It sure is alot to get your head around, it would be for anyone, please think about that counsellor though, she/he could make things alot easier for you.

Have you tired meditation at all? It truly calms the mind and body, you can get all kinds of good tapes to help you through meditations. Visualizations are great as well, they have all kinds of books and tapes for that as well.

Well I had better sign off here. I wish you nothing but better days ahead. You are in my prayers. Blessings, Bluerose

Thank you everyone so much...
Kay-B, Bluerose, Sue thank you so much for your words of encouragement. There are days I feel so alone. You would think that I would be out trying to enjoy life, as I still have the ability to walk and move, but yet, I find myself so depressed. It's still hard to wrap my head around everything. I've told my father somewhat, but he doesn't know how serious it is. I don't know how to get the words to come out of my mouth. I find that I try to think about how to do this so it is best for everyone else in my life. Are there others here that have felt the same way? So much to think about!! Too much to think about. My options have gotten less after my latest scan this past week. It looks like, if I'm going to fight this, that I'm going to have to sign on the dotted line and be admitted, but it's very hard to let go of my regular life. Do I want to continue with treatment? I'm just thinking out loud here...I know that this is a decision that only I can make for myself.

Kay-B, I know that you have had some difficult times as of late-if there is anything that I can do, or if you need someone to talk to that is going through some of the same things, I am here. I am here. Tell me what I can do. Is there someway on this site that I can privately give you my e-mail address? Take care. Oh, by the way, I'm kinda close to your age-I'm only 31.

Everyone, take care, and thank you so much. I can't thank you enough! Bless you...

sue Siwek

MinnieMN said:

Thank you everyone so much...
Kay-B, Bluerose, Sue thank you so much for your words of encouragement. There are days I feel so alone. You would think that I would be out trying to enjoy life, as I still have the ability to walk and move, but yet, I find myself so depressed. It's still hard to wrap my head around everything. I've told my father somewhat, but he doesn't know how serious it is. I don't know how to get the words to come out of my mouth. I find that I try to think about how to do this so it is best for everyone else in my life. Are there others here that have felt the same way? So much to think about!! Too much to think about. My options have gotten less after my latest scan this past week. It looks like, if I'm going to fight this, that I'm going to have to sign on the dotted line and be admitted, but it's very hard to let go of my regular life. Do I want to continue with treatment? I'm just thinking out loud here...I know that this is a decision that only I can make for myself.

Kay-B, I know that you have had some difficult times as of late-if there is anything that I can do, or if you need someone to talk to that is going through some of the same things, I am here. I am here. Tell me what I can do. Is there someway on this site that I can privately give you my e-mail address? Take care. Oh, by the way, I'm kinda close to your age-I'm only 31.

Everyone, take care, and thank you so much. I can't thank you enough! Bless you...

minnie, you always have a
minnie, you always have a choice. if you choose not to continue with treatment that may mean the end of your life. talk to your doctor, get on an anti-depressant, talk to them about all of your options and what your choice will mean. also, you must enlist help from those who love you. i remember first hearing the word tumor, and worst of all the words brain cancer! i could not and would not say it, i can now. i would also say that right now it is about you, what you want, what you need and believe me as a caretaker i want to know those things to better help and i am sure your friends and family do to.