This is turning out to be harder then I thought it would be. DUH!
Comments
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Just try and relax and takejikaras said:time
I agree with some of these posts - take your time. It takes a great deal of time to absorb everything.
I had my mast. in January. I thought my breasts looked hidious after surgery...yes, I was grateful to be alive, but I wanted what I had before (nipples, jiggly boobs..) Can't have it anymore - gone. At the time of my surgery, I was 100% for getting the nipples tattoed on, now I'm not so sure.
Enough time has passed that I realize they are only visible to my husband and myself. His thought is 'why go through the pain of getting tattoos?" He loves me as I am, and I'm slowly agreeing with him........
A big hug to you and I hope that you can work it out.
Jill
Just try and relax and take some time. This is a roller coaster ride as someone said on here. Sending you hugs and praying for you!0 -
What you are feeling is
What you are feeling is natural. Think about it, your world was turned upside down with your cancer diagnosis----one of the most frightening things that can happen to a person.
Cancer has threatened your life, maimed you, and caused you immense suffering both physically and emotionally. Of course you are feeling down. You have been and are still going through an incredibly difficult thing and you must allow yourself the time to work through it and eventually heal. Everyone is different, some bounce back more quickly and others more slowly. I am over 3 yrs out from diagnosis and am seeing a therapist because I still can't let go of the whole awful cancer experience. Thats me.
I'm not suggesting that your experience will be the same, but only you can know what you have gone through and are feeling. Cancer is cruel and the treatments can be awful and take a lot away from us. We live with our bodies for decades and then suddenly they are altered by surgery---this takes a lot of getting used too. Have patience with yourself, you have gone through so much. If you can't attend a support group, visit this site often, and check the internet for on-line support groups. I know a couple survivors who still visit groups on line. Remember, at diagnosis someone sat you down and told you that you had a life-threatening disease. This is a horribly frightening thing to go through. I remember I literally was unable to eat for a week I was so freaked out! Take it slow and lean on loved ones whenever you can and be kind to yourself. You'll see, eventually you will feel happier and more like your self. Keep us updated and remember we are here for you and we are a big group:0) Eileen0 -
Take a deep breath....
...now let it out! You have been through a lot and are feeling the wrath of the beast. Be kind to yourself and know there's one thing that can't be taken from you....your spirit!! Hang in there and I will keep you in my prayers. ♥ Pammy0 -
I wish...Akiss4me said:Take a deep breath....
...now let it out! You have been through a lot and are feeling the wrath of the beast. Be kind to yourself and know there's one thing that can't be taken from you....your spirit!! Hang in there and I will keep you in my prayers. ♥ Pammy
I wish you all lived on my block! You are all so amazingly helpful and you GET IT! My husband (and very best friend) wants me to talk about thow I feel, but as I try to tell him I hear myself and know that he can't possibly understand. He says everything I would have said if the situation was reversed. This is such a specific problem. I feel like I have been assaulted. I can't wait until the end of October when I get my silocone implants and don't feel like I am carrying two bowling balls on my chest.
I am starting to sleep better. I can fall asleep without tylenol pm and woke up fewer times last night. My son was surprised to see me going to bed at 10:30 last night. Lately he and I have been up at midnight (the difference being that he is 14 and WANTS to be up texting his friends).
My daughter and I finished her sock monkey yesterday. We had to sew it by hand so it took about five hours over two days. She was thrilled with it. That made me very happy.
I did 20 minutes on the treadmill, but it took at least that long to stop panting, so I think it may have been too much.
Didn't practice guitar yet. Before the cancer I played every day and LOVED it. Since my diagnosis I have only played once and cancelled my lessons (I've been learning for four years). This REALLY bothers me. On the one hand, why do something you don't want to do? On the other hand, why don't I want to? Maybe I am afraid I don't have the concentration. Not sure, but this bothers me a lot.
I am SO GRATEFUL to have you ladies here. Too bad we all had to have cancer to find each other. I guess without it we wouldn't know this side of ourselves. Lance Armstrong said something to that effect about cancer. That cancer gave him the life he has now and that it is better then before. I hope to get to that point.0 -
It took meguitarmom2 said:I wish...
I wish you all lived on my block! You are all so amazingly helpful and you GET IT! My husband (and very best friend) wants me to talk about thow I feel, but as I try to tell him I hear myself and know that he can't possibly understand. He says everything I would have said if the situation was reversed. This is such a specific problem. I feel like I have been assaulted. I can't wait until the end of October when I get my silocone implants and don't feel like I am carrying two bowling balls on my chest.
I am starting to sleep better. I can fall asleep without tylenol pm and woke up fewer times last night. My son was surprised to see me going to bed at 10:30 last night. Lately he and I have been up at midnight (the difference being that he is 14 and WANTS to be up texting his friends).
My daughter and I finished her sock monkey yesterday. We had to sew it by hand so it took about five hours over two days. She was thrilled with it. That made me very happy.
I did 20 minutes on the treadmill, but it took at least that long to stop panting, so I think it may have been too much.
Didn't practice guitar yet. Before the cancer I played every day and LOVED it. Since my diagnosis I have only played once and cancelled my lessons (I've been learning for four years). This REALLY bothers me. On the one hand, why do something you don't want to do? On the other hand, why don't I want to? Maybe I am afraid I don't have the concentration. Not sure, but this bothers me a lot.
I am SO GRATEFUL to have you ladies here. Too bad we all had to have cancer to find each other. I guess without it we wouldn't know this side of ourselves. Lance Armstrong said something to that effect about cancer. That cancer gave him the life he has now and that it is better then before. I hope to get to that point.
a while after my masectomy to have any energy. I just wanted to sleep. You are right about Lance. My perception about life has changed so much, I actually think for the better> So hang in there, take walks, eat healthy.0 -
please take this the right wayguitarmom2 said:I wish...
I wish you all lived on my block! You are all so amazingly helpful and you GET IT! My husband (and very best friend) wants me to talk about thow I feel, but as I try to tell him I hear myself and know that he can't possibly understand. He says everything I would have said if the situation was reversed. This is such a specific problem. I feel like I have been assaulted. I can't wait until the end of October when I get my silocone implants and don't feel like I am carrying two bowling balls on my chest.
I am starting to sleep better. I can fall asleep without tylenol pm and woke up fewer times last night. My son was surprised to see me going to bed at 10:30 last night. Lately he and I have been up at midnight (the difference being that he is 14 and WANTS to be up texting his friends).
My daughter and I finished her sock monkey yesterday. We had to sew it by hand so it took about five hours over two days. She was thrilled with it. That made me very happy.
I did 20 minutes on the treadmill, but it took at least that long to stop panting, so I think it may have been too much.
Didn't practice guitar yet. Before the cancer I played every day and LOVED it. Since my diagnosis I have only played once and cancelled my lessons (I've been learning for four years). This REALLY bothers me. On the one hand, why do something you don't want to do? On the other hand, why don't I want to? Maybe I am afraid I don't have the concentration. Not sure, but this bothers me a lot.
I am SO GRATEFUL to have you ladies here. Too bad we all had to have cancer to find each other. I guess without it we wouldn't know this side of ourselves. Lance Armstrong said something to that effect about cancer. That cancer gave him the life he has now and that it is better then before. I hope to get to that point.
I know you often feel as though you are falling apart ... but from your posts I must tell you that you are one strong woman! To be doing all of the things you are already doing ... and such a short time after surgery ... you are amazing. I know emotionally you are hurting ... and that will continue but you are working through it ... so you really need to give yourself credit. Many women "in your shoes" would still be "taking it easy" but you are on the treadmill for 20 minutes! I couldn't make it 2 minutes... so you must have been in great shape before your surgery ... which will help the healing process alot. It also sounds like you have a very supportive family ... and that help a great deal. So ... my advice is ... not to be so hard on yourself. The sadness, feeling of loss, depression etc are all perfectly normal ... but something like this does take time ... emotionally and physically. If you can find a support group that would be great ... if not ... that's OK too ... because we are always here for you ... every step of the way. Just know that you really are stronger than you think you are. :-)
big hugs.
teena0 -
Teena...you know me better then you think.tgf said:please take this the right way
I know you often feel as though you are falling apart ... but from your posts I must tell you that you are one strong woman! To be doing all of the things you are already doing ... and such a short time after surgery ... you are amazing. I know emotionally you are hurting ... and that will continue but you are working through it ... so you really need to give yourself credit. Many women "in your shoes" would still be "taking it easy" but you are on the treadmill for 20 minutes! I couldn't make it 2 minutes... so you must have been in great shape before your surgery ... which will help the healing process alot. It also sounds like you have a very supportive family ... and that help a great deal. So ... my advice is ... not to be so hard on yourself. The sadness, feeling of loss, depression etc are all perfectly normal ... but something like this does take time ... emotionally and physically. If you can find a support group that would be great ... if not ... that's OK too ... because we are always here for you ... every step of the way. Just know that you really are stronger than you think you are. :-)
big hugs.
teena
Funny, all of your comments could have come from my husband, sister or closest friends. I am BEGINNING to hear you all about giving myself time to grieve. A dear friend who suffered the worst loss imagniable (her son committed suicide) visited me today. She told me how important it is to feel the bad stuff in order to move on. We agreed that so many people want to say "you'll be fine", but that it is important to mourn what you have lost. I guess I didn't expect to feel like I had "lost" since I am cured of cancer. How dumb am I? I lost my breasts! Okay, not dumb...unprepared. You guys are really amazing. I feel better each day knowing that I can come here and you all understand.
I look forward to being helpful too.0 -
dry eyes so far this morningguitarmom2 said:Teena...you know me better then you think.
Funny, all of your comments could have come from my husband, sister or closest friends. I am BEGINNING to hear you all about giving myself time to grieve. A dear friend who suffered the worst loss imagniable (her son committed suicide) visited me today. She told me how important it is to feel the bad stuff in order to move on. We agreed that so many people want to say "you'll be fine", but that it is important to mourn what you have lost. I guess I didn't expect to feel like I had "lost" since I am cured of cancer. How dumb am I? I lost my breasts! Okay, not dumb...unprepared. You guys are really amazing. I feel better each day knowing that I can come here and you all understand.
I look forward to being helpful too.
I guess it's another subtle sign that things are improving. I haven't cried this morning and don't feel sad. Maybe just the permission to feel sad when I do is enough to dilute it a bit. Ron (the best-friend / husband) and I watched the movie "The Notebook" last night. I had not read the book or seen it before. Boy did I cry at the end. It wasn't even a good movie, but the message was so clear. Here I was with my husband, who is as devoted as the man in the movie (I don't want to ruin it for those of you who may catch it on the horrible channel "Oxygen"). He HATES "chick flicks", but endured it with few sarcaastic remarks and laughed with me when I cried at the end. Every morning I wake up to a pot of fresh coffee ready to be brewed even though he had his coffee. He washes the pot and sets it up for me. This is only one of his many small and meaningful gestures. All the while asking me "how did WE get so lucky?"
p.s. I did practice my guitar last night. I was pretty aweful, but I did it and it did feel wonderful.0 -
OH my, I loved that movie
OH my, I loved that movie "The Notebook" My two other favorite movies on "Hallmark movies" Was "The Note" and the sequel "Taking a chance on love" Both star Genie Francis of Luke and Laura fame. Today is cloudy and dreary, I hope tomorrow is sunny.0 -
goodguitarmom2 said:dry eyes so far this morning
I guess it's another subtle sign that things are improving. I haven't cried this morning and don't feel sad. Maybe just the permission to feel sad when I do is enough to dilute it a bit. Ron (the best-friend / husband) and I watched the movie "The Notebook" last night. I had not read the book or seen it before. Boy did I cry at the end. It wasn't even a good movie, but the message was so clear. Here I was with my husband, who is as devoted as the man in the movie (I don't want to ruin it for those of you who may catch it on the horrible channel "Oxygen"). He HATES "chick flicks", but endured it with few sarcaastic remarks and laughed with me when I cried at the end. Every morning I wake up to a pot of fresh coffee ready to be brewed even though he had his coffee. He washes the pot and sets it up for me. This is only one of his many small and meaningful gestures. All the while asking me "how did WE get so lucky?"
p.s. I did practice my guitar last night. I was pretty aweful, but I did it and it did feel wonderful.
I'm happy to hear your doing good this morning!!! You have no idea how lucky you are to have such a devoted man by your side!!! I'm not so lucky My boyfriend of 3 years compromised our relationship which left me unable to EVER trust him again during my battle after he said he'd be there for me every step of the way..(yes I dumped him) I've had to deal with a very broken heart along with facing the scariest time in my life!!! So next time you see your very devoted Husband give him a big hug... You are blessed more than you know!!!
Also so glad your playing again!!!
♥HUGZ...Calleen♥0 -
Feeling betterguitarmom2 said:dry eyes so far this morning
I guess it's another subtle sign that things are improving. I haven't cried this morning and don't feel sad. Maybe just the permission to feel sad when I do is enough to dilute it a bit. Ron (the best-friend / husband) and I watched the movie "The Notebook" last night. I had not read the book or seen it before. Boy did I cry at the end. It wasn't even a good movie, but the message was so clear. Here I was with my husband, who is as devoted as the man in the movie (I don't want to ruin it for those of you who may catch it on the horrible channel "Oxygen"). He HATES "chick flicks", but endured it with few sarcaastic remarks and laughed with me when I cried at the end. Every morning I wake up to a pot of fresh coffee ready to be brewed even though he had his coffee. He washes the pot and sets it up for me. This is only one of his many small and meaningful gestures. All the while asking me "how did WE get so lucky?"
p.s. I did practice my guitar last night. I was pretty aweful, but I did it and it did feel wonderful.
So glad you are feeling better. I too have an extremely devoted husband and very greatful I was blessed with him. He too will sit through a chick flick with me every now and then. Most times he tells me what a great movie it was compared to the flops he usually picks out when it's HIS turn! ♥ Pammy
PS) Calleen, I am encuraged at your strength for having to go through this on top of a 3 year relationship ending. I would have fell to pieces. But whenever I see someone pick up the pieces and move on, it gives me hope that I can be just as strong, should ever the time come that I would need to.0 -
I was glad to read your last post in that you're feeling much better!
When I was going through my surgery, my husband would also get up and make me a pot of coffee (he doesn't drink it); when I'd go to the living room to set in my rocker, he'd be in the bedroom making the bed and putting my clothes out that he'd help me get into.
He certainly was my 'rock' - sounds like you've got one too!
Jill0 -
Boy are you ever strongCalleen said:good
I'm happy to hear your doing good this morning!!! You have no idea how lucky you are to have such a devoted man by your side!!! I'm not so lucky My boyfriend of 3 years compromised our relationship which left me unable to EVER trust him again during my battle after he said he'd be there for me every step of the way..(yes I dumped him) I've had to deal with a very broken heart along with facing the scariest time in my life!!! So next time you see your very devoted Husband give him a big hug... You are blessed more than you know!!!
Also so glad your playing again!!!
♥HUGZ...Calleen♥
You faced cancer AND tossed your cheating coward of a boyfriend? You deserve major respect! I hope you find someone as amazing as yourself Calleen.0 -
PammyAkiss4me said:Feeling better
So glad you are feeling better. I too have an extremely devoted husband and very greatful I was blessed with him. He too will sit through a chick flick with me every now and then. Most times he tells me what a great movie it was compared to the flops he usually picks out when it's HIS turn! ♥ Pammy
PS) Calleen, I am encuraged at your strength for having to go through this on top of a 3 year relationship ending. I would have fell to pieces. But whenever I see someone pick up the pieces and move on, it gives me hope that I can be just as strong, should ever the time come that I would need to.
I can't tell you how many nights in our 17 years together I have found Ron asleep in front of any of the Planet of the Apes movies. He also thinks the Three Stooges are hysterical, so he is definitely NOT perfect.
I do not know how I would face this without him. That being said, he and I were talking today about how people are generally stronger then they realize, it's only when faced with a huge challenge that you see that side of yourself. I feel like i am learning so much about myself and the people in my life through all of this. I hope I can remember it all when the crisis mode fades and use it for good.0 -
The rainy weather mirrored my mood todaylanie940 said:OH my, I loved that movie
OH my, I loved that movie "The Notebook" My two other favorite movies on "Hallmark movies" Was "The Note" and the sequel "Taking a chance on love" Both star Genie Francis of Luke and Laura fame. Today is cloudy and dreary, I hope tomorrow is sunny.
I was having a lot of muscle spasms in my chest which made me crabby adn tired, so the rain was a blessing. The kids didn't want to swim, so I didn't have to lifeguard. I Napped before going to the doctor to be "expanded". He said that the three week mark is usually when the spasms are the worst and that from here it gets better. I hope so! I wanted to trade in my "loaner boobs" today and end this whole reconstruction thing. he told me that it wasn't the expanders, but the healing that is causing the spasms. Hope it stops soon!0 -
Did anyone else here do reconstruction?jikaras said:
I was glad to read your last post in that you're feeling much better!
When I was going through my surgery, my husband would also get up and make me a pot of coffee (he doesn't drink it); when I'd go to the living room to set in my rocker, he'd be in the bedroom making the bed and putting my clothes out that he'd help me get into.
He certainly was my 'rock' - sounds like you've got one too!
Jill
I am having reconstruction with expanders and silicone implants. Is anyone else?0 -
I am so glad that you areguitarmom2 said:Did anyone else here do reconstruction?
I am having reconstruction with expanders and silicone implants. Is anyone else?
I am so glad that you are feeling better about yourself and taking care of you. Im glad you picked up your guitar again as well. I have expanders in right now and got my second fill since my surgery yesterday. Its exciting to actually have mounds there again. I always wanted a boob job, just a heck of a way to get it though.
laura0 -
expanderslolad said:I am so glad that you are
I am so glad that you are feeling better about yourself and taking care of you. Im glad you picked up your guitar again as well. I have expanders in right now and got my second fill since my surgery yesterday. Its exciting to actually have mounds there again. I always wanted a boob job, just a heck of a way to get it though.
laura
I have expanders in now and no more fills for me. My trade in surgery will be either October or November. I was told by my PS(plastic surgeon) that she does the exchange three months after chemo has been completed. I finished the chemo 7/23 and will start just the Herceptin this afternoon every three weeks for a year.
Hugs,
Margo0 -
I was "expanded" again yesterdaytommaseena said:expanders
I have expanders in now and no more fills for me. My trade in surgery will be either October or November. I was told by my PS(plastic surgeon) that she does the exchange three months after chemo has been completed. I finished the chemo 7/23 and will start just the Herceptin this afternoon every three weeks for a year.
Hugs,
Margo
This was the second expansion. The first one was easy and I was pretty comfortable after. This one is turning out to be harder. I was having spasms all day yesterday. My surgeon said that the three week mark is when they are the worst and they get better from here. I can't wait for that. These spasms are exhausting! Had trouble sleeping again. The "new" bigger loaner boobs hurt now! I told my doc that if they were shoes I would return them.
Two days in a row that I did not wake up feeling sad! Practiced my guitar again last night. I still suck, but I played for about 20 minutes and was happy.
Taking the kids to an amusement park today. Small consolation for a cancelled week at the beach, but they are being good sports about it.0 -
How muchguitarmom2 said:I was "expanded" again yesterday
This was the second expansion. The first one was easy and I was pretty comfortable after. This one is turning out to be harder. I was having spasms all day yesterday. My surgeon said that the three week mark is when they are the worst and they get better from here. I can't wait for that. These spasms are exhausting! Had trouble sleeping again. The "new" bigger loaner boobs hurt now! I told my doc that if they were shoes I would return them.
Two days in a row that I did not wake up feeling sad! Practiced my guitar again last night. I still suck, but I played for about 20 minutes and was happy.
Taking the kids to an amusement park today. Small consolation for a cancelled week at the beach, but they are being good sports about it.
How much are they putting in each time they are expanding?
My doctor only put in 60 cc's at a time.
Margo0
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