I'm heated!

Sally08

I know this is very superficial...

My close friends are all very angry at me right now. I've told them that I'm barely coping and have too much on my plate. they're angry because I'm not answering my phone and I'm not coming over to 'hang out' and I'm just staying to myself.
I've told most about the phone problems I'm having right now,... hints why I'm not getting my calls....
and I've told them all that I'm extremley concerned about my apopintment with my endocrinologist on tues the 11th to schedule the next bouts of testing to see if it is indeed spreading to my lungs... I've told them I'm worried about my son because he's getting the short end of the stick in terms of 'time with mommy' and that I've now added play therapy for him to my schedule which also ups the anty for me because I already felt like I had no room to breathe with all the appointments he and I have weekly.

the answers I got were not what I expected nor what I wanted to hear.
"Stop worrying about it, you're not dead right now."
"It wouldn't be so difficult if you would just accept that death is inevitable"
"It's not that hard! it's not like you have a full time job!"
"Why can't you just put it on the side so you can come over and have fun?"

lol and my friends wonder why I can't stand to share how I'm feeling with them....
I'm sick of not being understood... and I'm sick of people looking down on me as if I have it so easy because I 'only' have Thyroid Cancer and I don't have a job.
Hello!!!!?????
Do you wanna switch shoes?
huh?
Just for one week! That's all it'll take!

On another note... I've turned in my housing applications as well as my notice to vacate to my landlord... so now... I'm just waiting on that call from someone saying "You move in on 'this' date"... which also means I need to start packing my stuff soon.

I feel like I'm unable to just be supported... like I'm still supporting everyone else.
Meanwhile... in the middle of everything there's no time for me to support myself... quite the quandry. I'm tired of it!

zahalene

NOT superficial!
Anything that hurts, confuses, overwhelms us is far from superficial. And you are obviously on overload right now.
If the responses you noted here from your fiends are the norm for them, then I am surprised that you still call them friends. They sound like a bunch of light-weights to me and I believe you have out grown them. Cancer (as well as the other challenges you face just now) tends to do that.
You may need to re-work your support system. Look for people who have lived long and hard enough to be able to internalize (to the degree any of us can for another person) what you are dealing with instead as brushing it off as 'no big deal'. Coming here is a good first step, but I hope you also have more mature sensitive people in your 'real life'.
Professional counseling and support is another avenue which can go a long way to helping us cope with cancer and all the other issues it presents in our lives, whether they be finances, domestic arrangements, helping our kids deal, or getting our own priorities straight.
If something isn't working, we need to stop doing it. Sounds like your 'friends' aren't working for you.
God bless.

tiny one

Insensitive people
Only another cancer survivor knows how hard it is to deal with everyday life. Sometimes you just have to be blundt with people. I go to cancer support groups, they have been a real help to me and are like my extended family. When they say this stupid stuff to you just lash back. Maybe then they'll get it. If not, their not worth your getting worked up. You have more on your plate now. Sometimes we have to just focus on ourselves to get through it all. Especially the screenings, it's a tough time waiting for the results. We're hear on this board for you. I'm just waiting for someone to comment about my weight, how skinny I am. I'll certainly drop the cancer bomb on them and watch them want to crawl under a rock. Then maybe they'll watch what they say to someone else. Hugs for you.

hollyberry

tiny one said:

Insensitive people
Only another cancer survivor knows how hard it is to deal with everyday life. Sometimes you just have to be blundt with people. I go to cancer support groups, they have been a real help to me and are like my extended family. When they say this stupid stuff to you just lash back. Maybe then they'll get it. If not, their not worth your getting worked up. You have more on your plate now. Sometimes we have to just focus on ourselves to get through it all. Especially the screenings, it's a tough time waiting for the results. We're hear on this board for you. I'm just waiting for someone to comment about my weight, how skinny I am. I'll certainly drop the cancer bomb on them and watch them want to crawl under a rock. Then maybe they'll watch what they say to someone else. Hugs for you.

Human Nature
Dear Sally,
I have been in your shoes and I understand how frustrating and isolating it feels to not be able to put into words just how bad this battle can be. People only see how bad their lives are,i.e., my insurance just went up and I've gained 5 pounds and my cat just puked on my new comforter; things that seem so important to them, because they have no point of reference when it comes to a catastrophic illness.
I know this is very hurtful and I have been through similar circumstances and conversations with friends that I thought would be more compassionate. All I can figure is they just don't get the enormity of the ordeal that you have been thrust into. That is why groups like ours can be a life-saver; we understand and can appreciate the fears and all of the other feelings and practical concerns that you have to encounter on a regular basis. Seeking out a good counselor can help, too. Just having a neutral party to listen, understand and offer practical advice can be such a relief. The ACS can help with that , as well as all of the foundations that are cancer specific. We just want to be understood by our family and friends and sometimes just knowing the language to use can give them a better idea of what you are really confronting can help; that's where a counselor can really come in handy. People are naturally afraid of things they don't understand and cancer, being such a scary disease, can overwhelm even the best of friends. Although it seems unfair to add that to your to-do list, maybe getting them up to speed will help in the long run. Give them a chance by explaining your reality one more time, and if they don't care to try and understand, then it's time for some new friends. Just my take; I've had to let some friendships go for the same reasons, but have found out who my real friends are. And I'd rather have 3 good friends that I can count on, than 22 friends that I can't.
Hang in there and know that we do care and you are in my prayers.

wishing you peace,
Hollyberry

bluerose

Hi there Sally
As I read your post I was nodding my head in understanding of your situation as I am sure most of us have been there with friends/family at some point in our battle with 'it'. I very often need time to myself when there are overwhelming times in the journey and very often shut off my phone, cancel appointments and just BE.

I am sure your friends are trying to be supportive, although obviously kind of bad at it to say the least, but there is nothing wrong with the way you are perceiving it all to me.

You are right on the money with the fact that you are not looking after yourself though - still trying to take care of everyone else first and your friends/family know you do that and still expect it so they are confused too no doubt. I'm not making excuses for them for sure they do seem pretty insenstive in how they are going about it - no question.

What helped me out personally was to find a counsellor who deals in stress and loss and perferably with cancer patients. They could help you on all sorts of levels including giving you advice on how to deal with the guilt associated with your child. Also this board as you doubtlessly have already found is incredibly supported, unlike what surrounds you in the outside world, we all know how it is because we have been there.

I hope something I have said helps you even a little and the rest of the posts here have many other tidbits of info and validation that I too hope help you in this struggle.

Blessings, Bluerose

lindaprocopio

bluerose said:

Hi there Sally
As I read your post I was nodding my head in understanding of your situation as I am sure most of us have been there with friends/family at some point in our battle with 'it'. I very often need time to myself when there are overwhelming times in the journey and very often shut off my phone, cancel appointments and just BE.

I am sure your friends are trying to be supportive, although obviously kind of bad at it to say the least, but there is nothing wrong with the way you are perceiving it all to me.

You are right on the money with the fact that you are not looking after yourself though - still trying to take care of everyone else first and your friends/family know you do that and still expect it so they are confused too no doubt. I'm not making excuses for them for sure they do seem pretty insenstive in how they are going about it - no question.

What helped me out personally was to find a counsellor who deals in stress and loss and perferably with cancer patients. They could help you on all sorts of levels including giving you advice on how to deal with the guilt associated with your child. Also this board as you doubtlessly have already found is incredibly supported, unlike what surrounds you in the outside world, we all know how it is because we have been there.

I hope something I have said helps you even a little and the rest of the posts here have many other tidbits of info and validation that I too hope help you in this struggle.

Blessings, Bluerose

Insensitive remarks?: YES. Unforgivable? : NO.
When we are under the incredible stress of a cancer diagnosis, sometimes what we want from our friends is validation of what we are going through. But without a frame of reference, most people don't have a clue what you are going through. So they say insensitive things, out of their ignorance. I don't see malise in the statements from your friends; I see ignorance of what cancer is like. I hope that you will forgive your friends and not write them off too quickly. I give my friends a LOT of slack, because I know they don't know what to say, and I honestly hope to God that they never have to know what this is like.

I compare this to the types of stupid things people say at a funeral to the bereaved: "I know just how you feel" (Bool Sheet! You do NOT!), etc. They just don't know what to say. But at least they are reaching out to you. Maybe just tell them "Please don't talk if you don't know what to say. Just give me a hug and let me talk to you." Try and remember that, pre-cancer, you would have probably been just as awkward in a similar situation. So tell them what you really need from them, straight up, without anger. And if any of them are true friends, they'll step up and be there for you in a way that you can accept. We all need friends. I never toss mine away lightly.

terato

There, but for the grace of God, go them!
Sally,

When they listen to you, they fear that they could be in shoes. You are a constant reminder of their own vulnerability. Did you ever notice how many people turn away from the news when they report about some local company laying off workers? It is because they fear the loss of their own jobs and resulting financial devastation. They know that there is nothing special about them that would exempt them from life crises. Looking at you means they have to look at what their own lives might have in store.

Love and Courage!

Rick

lakemtg

I am the caregiver
Can I please get some help here? Please do not call me ignorant I need help too. I am sooo angry and do not know right now why or how to control my anger. My husband has been ill with cancer since Dec 2006 and recently we found out yet again his chemo is not working this was his fifth time. The cancer is only growing and spreading more and now he not only has mets to liver but now to the stomach. Lately I don't know what to say anymore everything I say is wrong. I agree we do not know what to say or understand what it is like but what can we do? I would love some advise here on how I can help my husband more. We fight so bad now I can't stand it and these can be my last days with him I do not want to regret the fights. Financially we are dying too we both lost our jobs and money because of this and we are not only battling cancer but battling for our home, car, food, etc So this in return has been killing me with guilt. I can't make him better, I cannot make him happy, I cannot say the right things, I cannot find a job and he has to still work even though he is sick and it is killing me, I sometimes wish I could trade because I cannot see a future and I always did in the past. I hate living right now and I feel so shelfish saying this when I know he hates knowing he is dying.....This is really messed up we both are suffering but in opposite ways. I cannot control myself we are looking into group counseling at the moment but please know I respect the patient but sometimes I feel the caregiver is not respected. I need my husband but he is so caught up with himself he doesn't even acknowledge me. I feel angry because all the sacrafise and time I spent helping him get better, being there when he was in the hospital. The emotional roller coaster does not stop with the patient it goes right through the house right down to the kids which are suffering too. I just need advise. Please do not critisize me talk to me help me help myself, my kids and my husband and mostly to be strong for the days to come I know it is not good. God bless to all of you going through this. I never looked at cancer this way until I have been involved this closely. It is like having a baby once you do you look at children in a different way well I do that with Cancer it is like when I meet someone with it I instantly bond with them. Thank you all in advance for your support.

tiny one

lakemtg said:

I am the caregiver
Can I please get some help here? Please do not call me ignorant I need help too. I am sooo angry and do not know right now why or how to control my anger. My husband has been ill with cancer since Dec 2006 and recently we found out yet again his chemo is not working this was his fifth time. The cancer is only growing and spreading more and now he not only has mets to liver but now to the stomach. Lately I don't know what to say anymore everything I say is wrong. I agree we do not know what to say or understand what it is like but what can we do? I would love some advise here on how I can help my husband more. We fight so bad now I can't stand it and these can be my last days with him I do not want to regret the fights. Financially we are dying too we both lost our jobs and money because of this and we are not only battling cancer but battling for our home, car, food, etc So this in return has been killing me with guilt. I can't make him better, I cannot make him happy, I cannot say the right things, I cannot find a job and he has to still work even though he is sick and it is killing me, I sometimes wish I could trade because I cannot see a future and I always did in the past. I hate living right now and I feel so shelfish saying this when I know he hates knowing he is dying.....This is really messed up we both are suffering but in opposite ways. I cannot control myself we are looking into group counseling at the moment but please know I respect the patient but sometimes I feel the caregiver is not respected. I need my husband but he is so caught up with himself he doesn't even acknowledge me. I feel angry because all the sacrafise and time I spent helping him get better, being there when he was in the hospital. The emotional roller coaster does not stop with the patient it goes right through the house right down to the kids which are suffering too. I just need advise. Please do not critisize me talk to me help me help myself, my kids and my husband and mostly to be strong for the days to come I know it is not good. God bless to all of you going through this. I never looked at cancer this way until I have been involved this closely. It is like having a baby once you do you look at children in a different way well I do that with Cancer it is like when I meet someone with it I instantly bond with them. Thank you all in advance for your support.

The battle
I'm a colon cancer survivor. There have been days when my husband just doesn't know what to say or do. These are my dark days and nothing usually helps but medication. I have found help in a cancer support group I go to. Our loved ones go through alot right along with us. It's hard not to be angry, sad and depressed. Please keep doing counseling. So sorry you're having to struggle not only with cancer but life's issues also.