support for my wife

randy smith
randy smith Member Posts: 2
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
My name is Randy Smith, my wife Rebecca was diagnose by AAMC in Annapois Md after 15 biopsis they found 2 tumors they said were malignat and up to 10 lymph nodes were involved.
My question is how should or can I help her. She does not want here children to harp on it all the time and only wants me to go with her to her appointments. Should I treat her they way I aways have, she doesnt like to be pampered, I only cry in the shower and try to keep her spirits up, but I dont know if I'm helping or hurting. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Comments

  • mlmjt1
    mlmjt1 Member Posts: 537
    Hi Randy
    How cool is it that you love your wife so much that you care enough to ask for help to best support her...she is very lucky to have you.

    I guess every woman handles the diagnosis differently and every husband and wife relationship is unique as well. I for one needed my husband at the appointments because I just was too overwelmed to process all of the information that I was given. When I had my bilateral mastectomy I had drains in and couldnt shower by myself. My husband showered with me everyday for 3 weeks just so he could hold me drains in the shower. When I have meltdowns which have been many he would just let me cry even when he didnt understand totally what I was crying about. He doesnt judge me...He just keeps telling me that its ok to cry and that we will find a way to get thru it. But he tends to follow my lead and doesnt bring up the cancer unless I do. If your wife has chemo or radiation you need to know that her energy level will be zapped and she will be on an emotional rollercoaster for a long time. She will probably have trouble sleeping and may be anxious and all of these emotions are normal.

    But one thing that I have to add is this. Today is the first weekend since my diagnosis in april and my surgery in may, chemo started in July that he actually went away for the weekend. He took a very needed weekend away with our daughter in chicago biking. He needed to get away from all the stresses of cancer, of a new golden retriever puppy in the house, of pretty much forced retirement from gm in april. You are crying in the shower...she may not be ready to know how this diagnosis is affecting you. YOu need to be able to talk to someone about your fears too because families have plenty of them. Hopefully the two of you will be able to talk about how you are feeling when she is ready to do so.

    Meanwhile, let her know that this site is here. There are alot of caring and knowledgeable women here and we are all going thru the same things.

    Hang in there
    Linda T
  • Akiss4me
    Akiss4me Member Posts: 2,188
    Hi Randy
    Sorry to hear about your wife. The best advice my husband would give to you is to get the book "Breast Cancer Husband" and read it! He was in your shoes and this book helped him to help me. He swears by it now. We found it at Amazon, but they also have it at the public library. I just wish now that he would "take a break" as the book will advise you to do, but he is not ready to.
    As a wife, I need my husband to be my rock. I love it when I apologize for falling to pieces and he tells me it's Ok, I'm allowed to. And alot of times when I say "Cancer sucks!!" he will take the oportunity to agree with me and open up around me with his feelings. Don't sugar coat anything! We know when you are doing this! The number one thing that has gotten me through is when he has validated my feelings no matter what they may be. Trust me, they will not always be rational ones either.
    Your probably just as scared as she is. It's OK.....this is a journey in life no one wishes to go through. Assuring her that you will go through it together will help her alot.
    Best of luck to you and we will be glad to help you anytime you need. :O) Pammy
  • guitarmom2
    guitarmom2 Member Posts: 39
    walking helped us a lot
    My husband initially thought he wouldn't want to talk about it, but we started taking walks every evening. As we walked we were able to start talking. We both opened up a lot over the month before my surgery. At first the talks were more superficial...this sucks, but we love each other and will continue to love each other no matter what. As my surgery got closer we eased into the harder conversations including that I did not want to him to see me with my shirt off until I felt ready and that could be months. The hardest one took place right before the surgery when we talked abut what I wanted him to do if I did not make it. It took a month of walking and talking to get to that point. It really helped us a lot. i hope that helps you a bit. Best wishes and prayers for you both.
  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159
    Bless your heart! This is a
    Bless your heart! This is a journey taken by the two of you and the children as well.
    How to help her? Trite as it may seem, just love her and be there for her. She is no doubt scared, as you are, and by not being pampered, she maybe feels a normalcy in her life which is anything but normal right now. When you go with her to her appointments, if YOU have any questions, or you are unclear about something, you too can ask the Dr. I know my guy did; he needed to understand what I was going through. Physically, at least.
    I felt free to cry in front of my Reggie, and we would hold each other at night in bed and be afraid together. It is important for you to also be able to let your feelings out and get the encouragement you need. If, at this point your wife is not willing to share those feelings with you, please find the support for yourself. Be it on these boards, from a book, a physical group~ someplace where your feelings are validated, and you are not relegated to crying in the shower. That will help you to connect with your wife as well, as she comes to grips with the diagnosis and is on the road to Life After Cancer.

    Hugs,
    Claudia
  • survivorbc09
    survivorbc09 Member Posts: 4,374 Member
    Hi Randy and welcome to the
    Hi Randy and welcome to the site. This is a very tough time for your wife, so, even if she says she doesn't want special treatment, do it anyway.

    My husband holds me when I need it, cries with me when I need that or supports me when I need that. I don't know what I would do without my husband, family and friends. They have pretty much taken over everything for me and I appreciate it so much.

    I get lil notes all of the time from my husband, telling me how much he loves me.

    Just treat her like a queen!
  • Kylez
    Kylez Member Posts: 3,761 Member

    Hi Randy and welcome to the
    Hi Randy and welcome to the site. This is a very tough time for your wife, so, even if she says she doesn't want special treatment, do it anyway.

    My husband holds me when I need it, cries with me when I need that or supports me when I need that. I don't know what I would do without my husband, family and friends. They have pretty much taken over everything for me and I appreciate it so much.

    I get lil notes all of the time from my husband, telling me how much he loves me.

    Just treat her like a queen!

    The best advice I can give
    The best advice I can give you is just to love her. If you are married to her for any length of time, you know what she needs and wants. Go overboard with her, do special things for her. Pay a lot of attention to her. Praise her, compliment her. Just put her first.

    ♥Kylez♥
  • guitarmom2
    guitarmom2 Member Posts: 39
    from a man's point of view
    I told my husband about you and he told me to "hook him up" so that he can offer you help. I will have him sign on tonight if possible. It will come up under my screen name, but his name is Ron and I think he might be a good person to conect with as we are going through it all now too (diagnosis was 6/29 and surgery was 7/23, so it's very fresh for us).
  • survivorbc09
    survivorbc09 Member Posts: 4,374 Member

    from a man's point of view
    I told my husband about you and he told me to "hook him up" so that he can offer you help. I will have him sign on tonight if possible. It will come up under my screen name, but his name is Ron and I think he might be a good person to conect with as we are going through it all now too (diagnosis was 6/29 and surgery was 7/23, so it's very fresh for us).

    Guitarmom, you can have your
    Guitarmom, you can have your husband pm or private message Randy and they can stay in contact that way. I didn't know if you knew about the pm feature here.

    That is very nice of you and your husband.
  • guitarmom2
    guitarmom2 Member Posts: 39

    Guitarmom, you can have your
    Guitarmom, you can have your husband pm or private message Randy and they can stay in contact that way. I didn't know if you knew about the pm feature here.

    That is very nice of you and your husband.

    how can he private message Randy?
    Poor Ron, he came home from his second job exhausted, still managed to walk around the block with me and konked out in "his chair" the minute he sat down. He said on our walk that he will contact Randy toomorrow definitely. How can he send a private message?
  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159

    how can he private message Randy?
    Poor Ron, he came home from his second job exhausted, still managed to walk around the block with me and konked out in "his chair" the minute he sat down. He said on our walk that he will contact Randy toomorrow definitely. How can he send a private message?

    Guitarmom2,
    I sent you a PM

    Guitarmom2,

    I sent you a PM to show you how easy it is!

    Hugs,
    Claudia
  • jnl
    jnl Member Posts: 3,869 Member
    chenheart said:

    Guitarmom2,
    I sent you a PM

    Guitarmom2,

    I sent you a PM to show you how easy it is!

    Hugs,
    Claudia

    Thanks Claudia. I was going
    Thanks Claudia. I was going to try and help too. But, I know you can explain it better than me. lol

    Leeza
  • Alexis F
    Alexis F Member Posts: 3,598

    how can he private message Randy?
    Poor Ron, he came home from his second job exhausted, still managed to walk around the block with me and konked out in "his chair" the minute he sat down. He said on our walk that he will contact Randy toomorrow definitely. How can he send a private message?

    Chenheart or Claudia sent
    Chenheart or Claudia sent you a private message. It will appear on your screen that you have one and just click on it.


    Hugs, ♥ Lex
  • lolad
    lolad Member Posts: 670
    Im sorry
    you are having to go through this with your wife. You should treat her the same way yes, sounds like right now, she is just trying to hang tough, but she will break at one point. Dont be ashamed of your feelings either. You are only human and you are about to watch your wife go through a battle. I dont mean to sound so blunt, just want to be honest. Try to stay brave and continue to be there for her. I hope that she will soon allow others in to help her through it all. You need alot of support through it. I will pray for both of you. Good luck and stay strong.

    laura
  • jnl
    jnl Member Posts: 3,869 Member
    lolad said:

    Im sorry
    you are having to go through this with your wife. You should treat her the same way yes, sounds like right now, she is just trying to hang tough, but she will break at one point. Dont be ashamed of your feelings either. You are only human and you are about to watch your wife go through a battle. I dont mean to sound so blunt, just want to be honest. Try to stay brave and continue to be there for her. I hope that she will soon allow others in to help her through it all. You need alot of support through it. I will pray for both of you. Good luck and stay strong.

    laura

    Don't be shy about posting
    Don't be shy about posting again either. We are pretty good at support here.

    Leeza
  • sausageroll
    sausageroll Member Posts: 415
    jnl said:

    Don't be shy about posting
    Don't be shy about posting again either. We are pretty good at support here.

    Leeza

    From Annapolis too!
    Hi Randy. I am from Annapolis and was also diagnosed at AAMC last October. I have had my treatments at University of Maryland Medical Center...not because I thought it was better, but because my daughter works there. My husband has been treated for 2 cancers at AAMC and it is a wonderful hospital. I am getting close to the end of my treatments.
    Everyone is different about how they like to be treated...my husband never wanted to discuss his cancers and at times I preferred to go to appointments alone and feel independent.
    I truly believe it is harder on the spouse than on the patient...so take care of yourself. When your wife is ready..or if she is ready..I would happily meet for a cup of coffee and just listen. By all means PM me....I will also send you one...babysitting my grandson at the moment!!
    Take care.
  • guitarmom2
    guitarmom2 Member Posts: 39

    walking helped us a lot
    My husband initially thought he wouldn't want to talk about it, but we started taking walks every evening. As we walked we were able to start talking. We both opened up a lot over the month before my surgery. At first the talks were more superficial...this sucks, but we love each other and will continue to love each other no matter what. As my surgery got closer we eased into the harder conversations including that I did not want to him to see me with my shirt off until I felt ready and that could be months. The hardest one took place right before the surgery when we talked abut what I wanted him to do if I did not make it. It took a month of walking and talking to get to that point. It really helped us a lot. i hope that helps you a bit. Best wishes and prayers for you both.

    Randy,
    As a husband who has

    Randy,

    As a husband who has just gone through this situation, I would have no trouble offering you any advice and support that you might need. Feel free and contact me at [email protected] anytime.

    Ron
  • ppurdin
    ppurdin Member Posts: 1,181

    From Annapolis too!
    Hi Randy. I am from Annapolis and was also diagnosed at AAMC last October. I have had my treatments at University of Maryland Medical Center...not because I thought it was better, but because my daughter works there. My husband has been treated for 2 cancers at AAMC and it is a wonderful hospital. I am getting close to the end of my treatments.
    Everyone is different about how they like to be treated...my husband never wanted to discuss his cancers and at times I preferred to go to appointments alone and feel independent.
    I truly believe it is harder on the spouse than on the patient...so take care of yourself. When your wife is ready..or if she is ready..I would happily meet for a cup of coffee and just listen. By all means PM me....I will also send you one...babysitting my grandson at the moment!!
    Take care.

    SUPORTING YOUR WIFE
    WHAT A NICE GUY YOU ARE.YOUR WIFE IS VERY LUCKY YOU CARE SO MUCH.I WOULD JUST DO EVERYTHING I CAN FOR HER.ANY EVEN LITTLE THINGS MATTERS.MY HUSBAND DOSEN,T REALLY PAY MUCH MIND TO WHAT I AM GOING THROUGH.THAT HURTS ALMOST AS MUCH AS THE CANCER.AFTER SURGERY I THINK HE MIGHT HAVE COOKED SUPPER ONCE AND I CLEANED THE HOUSE AND DONE THE MEALS.IT REALLY HURT THAT HE WASN,T THEIR FOR ME.YOUR A GOOD GUY FOR CARING.GOOD LUCK,I WILL SAY A SPECIAL PRAYER FOR YOU TWO.GOD BLESS. PAT.
  • dmc_emmy
    dmc_emmy Member Posts: 549
    You sound like such a sweet sweet husband...
    my husband, as all of us with husbands and significant others, at one time or other just didn't know what to say or do. My husband, who is deafblind, just recently came to terms with my surgery and dealing with it emotionally (I think he was more distraught about than me). He still, after 3 years, becomes very sad and worried every time I go to the dr for a check-up (even a routine one), and especially when I go in for a re-check when the last tests didn't have the desired results.

    I'm telling you this Randy, because you are not alone. Any caring loving husband felt, or feels, as you do now. Going through cancer alone? No, I don't think I do it without my husband (and daughter) fighting alongside me. I didn't ask for help either, us women are so proud and we are not use to being the ones being helped. As wives and mothers, we are in the role (I don't want to sound too old fashioned here) of caring for others. We don't tend to give to ourselves until our family is cared for first.

    As someone else said, even if your wife doesn't ask, she wants you fighting right alongside her and taking some of the burden away, or at least sharing it with the man she loves. You don't have to say a word, just hold her--as I'm sure you do anyway. And, if you want to cry, let her hold you and you can cry together. I know that my family and I cried more than once together. It's okay. That's why we have each other.

    I think you will do just fine in finding the right words and actions, you sound like a great husband who truly loves the woman he chose to be his wife. She is very fortunate to have someone like you alongside her.

    Someone suggested a the book, "The Breast Cancer Husband" and another good book is "There's No Place Like Hope." The latter one would be a great one to read together; I wish I had it early on in my treatment. I recently read it and have suggested it to many others, after it was suggested on this site.

    Wishing you and your family well.
    dmc