It seems that an apology is order

dmc_emmy

Dear Friends,
I did some pretty stupid things this past week-like overdose on anxiety meds to take away the pain of rejection. It didn't work and I ended up in the hospital with an IV and totally "stoned" out of mind. My daughter flushed the rest of my meds down the commode and called my GP to cancel the order for a higher dose-love that girl, though I must say I wasn't too happy when I couldn't find my drugs. So, I did a little substitute and did something else really stupid and ODed on tylennol with codiene and threw-up (I was stupid enough to take my meds, including the xanax, on an empty or nearly empty stomach). After I got my head on (some what) straight, I went into my OCD mode and cleaned the carpet (I think it was 3, or was it 4 times?).

Why? I thought my father would accept me, especially since I am a cancer survivor and I need him and, I thought, at nearly 90 years of age he would need me, but I was wrong. My trip to TN was a trip was a trip to hell and back. If my little brother hadn't called me every two hours to make sure I was still on the road, I doubt if I would have made it home.

When I came home, I crashed. I prayed that I would die from this cancer and didn't care if the upcoming blood work came back normal or not. I checked the CSN boards and, selfishly, thought you didn't care either--not thinking that we all have our own set of challenges. Then I saw a post and felt needed, but I was too doped-up to post to the general board.

Right now, I am sorry to say, that I am not yet in the right frame of mind to help others who are new to the boards, nor old friends who need support. I have another blood draw on Monday, because I had three high counts in a row, and I don't know how to deal with this along with my family issues. That, combined with the drugs, have made me pretty much a basket case.

So, I'm asking for a grace period to get my head together and hope that you accept my apology for being so self-indulgent. You have been there for me when I needed you, but when I guess I forgot about that with so many meds clouding my mind.

I do care about all of you and, when I feel I can be of some help, I'll be back--if you still want me. Until then, know that I am thinking of you, even if I don't respond to your posts for a little while.

Your crazy friend,
dmc

lynn1950

dmc, we love you
Dear dmc, I read your post with a lump in my throat. We are all here to give and get as needed. At least, that's what I've always thought. I am here because I am learning from my sisters and brothers here, and at times in my journey, I needed so much.

This is where I came to get validation when people who didn't understand my depression expected me to jump up and celebrate the moment radiation and chemo was finished. This is where I came after I had a melt down last October and ended up in the hospital for two days. At that point I did not want to be alive.

I am at a point now where I want to be a giver (most of the time). This is driven partially by how much has been given to me. There are peaks and valleys on this journey, and it's OK to share them all. I think that's why we are here.

Don't worry about supporting any of us right now; let us lift you. If I can be of any help, just remember that you've got a friend. xoxoxo Lynn

taleena

dmc...please know that you
dmc...please know that you my friend are in my thoughts and prayers... you are wanted and needed around here, so whenever you want us, we are here.

I am so sorry that things went poorly to say the least with your trip to TN... and where you are now, I can only imagine... please take care of yourself and know that you are loved.

♥ & Hugs

~T

aurora2009

DMC
You are always wanted here and welcome. I have been so worried about you. When you didn't post I just knew the trip hadn't gone well. I don't know what to say about your parents. It's just so sad that your father can't be there for you. I have a rocky relationship with my mother as well, and all I can say it that no matter how bad it hurts, you can not make a lepeord change it's stripes. I finally had to come to that realization my self, no matter how many fights we have, I will never get her to understand my side or point of veiw.

DMC please be good to yourself. It's okay to think about yourself, and get the help you need. Although I am not one of your closest friend on here, I am here and available when ever you need to talk. Ever since I joined this board you were on here giving support and understanding to all that needed it, including me. It's your turn now and I'm sure everyone will agree that you do not need to apoligize for needed a little time.

I'm so glad you posted that's the first step in getting better. I will pray for you and your tests on Monday, I hope everything goes well and you can continue your treatment, so it can be over with. It's alot to deal with and easy to let depression sink in too. I think I'm finding out alittle about that too right now. Just take care and please keep posting, we don't mind if you need to rant, that's what we're here for okay?

You always in my thoughts and prayers,

Aurora

Eil4186

DMC, you are not crazy. This
DMC, you are not crazy. This whole cancer thing is a huge burden on you both physically and emotionally. Add family stresses and its no wonder that you had a meltdown. You are only human and we all have had points when we too have felt hopeless, sad, or frustrated.

I have started seeing a therapist to help me deal with emotions and fears that I still struggle with since my cancer. At first I felt self-conscious about this and now I know that is wrong because anyone having gone through a cancer diagnosis and treatment is going to bear the scars and injuries from the assault. It is ok to reach out for help to find your way back to happiness. We are here for you. Please come here when ever you need an ear, a hug, or some support. Love, Eil

Akiss4me

DMC!!!!
You know, it just warms my heart to see you posting! I for one except your apology, but what are you apologizing for? There is absolutely no need!! But so sweet and thoughtful of you, none the less. I'm sorta guessing that when I have my meltdown....I'm going to blow everyone out of the water. So please gain your strenght because I will need everyone (including you) to rally around me when it happens. And believe me when I tell you I will not be apologizing. Instead I will be saying "told you so!!" (smile)....
Take your time regaining your footing. Know that we will be here or floating out in space somewhere (ha,ha). Oh yeah, and when you get back, if you want, I can take you to my crazy world! Yep, I go there often, but it's Ok, they KNOW me there!!!! Hugs....:O) Pammy

chenheart

No apology needed!!! (((HUGS)))))
Sweet, sweet dmc! The fact that you took the time to post, and tell us about your emotional state and all of its trappings, cancer and family and hell~trips, and LIFE itself, says so much about you. And I mean that in a positive, good way!

You are still here, your daughter did what she needed to do to keep you here, and though your trip to TN wasn't what you hoped for....sweet sister, I so love and appreciate your honesty and wish I could take all of your pain and heartache, wrap it with a bow, and put it in the trash.

You think you haven't helped us??? Your honesty has put a real face on cancer and family~ all of its good and its bad features. Like all of us, you are human, with strengths, and weaknesses, and your post has bonded us closer to you than you can imagine.

Take care of YOU...and thank you for letting us know you are back and are reading and posting. You are valuable to more than you know. Read often, post when you feel like it, and know that you don't owe me an apology at all.... I love you and wish you all the resolve and courage you need to see your way through this. And you never are alone, as long as you realize that you have us.

Hugs
Claudia

djteach

Dear Dmc,
You must have been
Dear Dmc,
You must have been hurting, not physically, so bad to do what you did. Suicide is one way to deal with your emotions, but it is extremely permanent. Please remember that problems and difficult emotions are temporary, so please,please don't use a permanent way to deal with temporary problems.

I know. Talk is cheap. Just know that we are here for you and accept you just as you wonderfully are.

Please tell me that you are getting professional help. Are you on an anti-depressant? I know I'm being incredibly nosey and it's none of my business, I just worry. You do what is best for you at this time and I'll be here when you're ready to come back. There is no way I am made at you.

Love and big hugs
Donna

cats_toy

dmc
Crazy you are not!. Just going through this bc journey is enough to make us all go nuts one way or another. You will get through and, and there is no need for an apology. glad you are doing better enough to post, and let us know how it goes on Monday.
Cat

ninjamom

Dear dmc
There is no need to
Dear dmc

There is no need to apologize, we all have gone thru so much and take so many meds that there are times we don't think clearly. It has been a year since I had my last treatment and I still get what I call chemo brain.

Take all the time you need to take care of you and know that we will be here for you when you're ready to come back.

I will keep you in my prayers and hope you comeback soon.

Patty

fauxma

DMC
Sometimes life just
DMC
Sometimes life just throws so much at us at one time that we not only can't catch it all, we are literally ducking to keep from being knocked to the floor. Life can present so many problems, add to that cancer and it can just overwhelm us. ANd it is easy when you are down and you feel the world is ganging up on you to think that no one cares. It may not be true, but if it seems like it to you then that is how you feel. You just thought that becuase there was so many other things going amiss and making you feel unloved and uncared for that we didn't care either. No apology is necessary. You were having a truly bad, bad time. I am so glad that you didn't do harm to yourself and that you are here to know that we love and care for you. And you don't have to feel that you need to be the cheerleader right now. You need the support, the encouragement, the love. There will be a time when you are feeling stronger, better, happier that you will give this to someone else. It all goes around and around. We take our turns being the comforter or the comforted. Do what you need to get stronger and if that is being self indulgent do it. We all have the what about me times and they are legimate needs. You have not had an easy time and dealing with family problems just makes it all harder. Your head may have known that your dad is how he is and he won't change but your heart wanted that. It's time to see that you are so much more than he is, that you have become a kind, caring woman not because of him but in spite of him and how amazing is that. You take the time you need and you come here when you are ready and know that even though we don't always call out to each sister individually we love them all and we will always answer a post from them. You have only to reach out and we are there for you.
Stef

KathiM

We all have done this at some point....
You are family here. OF COURSE you will always be welcome!!!

We all do at least one crash and burn during the fight...it's only natural, when you are under the stress you are. And, added to it, all the stuff with your 'real' family.

NEVER think we will judge you...and don't think you need to be the 'Joan of Arc of cancer'...we all do what we can, when we can. When Hans got sick, I wasn't on at all...come when you feel up to it, even just to lurk (reading others posts).

Hugs, Kathi

CR1954

dmc.........
Love you! And there ain't nobody crazy on this board! Challenged and super stressed...yes. But we will get by...including you. Better days ahead girlfriend!

Hugs,

CR

lanie940

I have myself programed on
I have myself programed on that "Pain Scale" they use. If it's on level 1-3 I use either extra strength tylenol(1) or 1 aleve, maybe 2 if it's like a 4, and when it's 5-7 I have a prescription of Percoset.I got that filled before my lumpectomy and didn't use it until the other night when i had really bad upper chest pains like pinched nerve or chest wall muscle pull from the CT scan from having my arms above my head. Now I need a hernia operation. ARRGH. I showed my stupid GI Dr. the lump in my abdomen in early June for pete's sake. He said nothing. The hernia has part of my sm bowel looped on it!
I also will need to start my RAD's after we get back from vacation, so I don't know how this is going to fly yet. The report(CT) said the hernia was imminent something. From what I'm now reading about the RADs I'm not looking forward to my boobie being burned. I'm fair skinned. I usually do get a light tan on the normally exposed areas though. You gals are all great, but sometimes I feel out of the loop if you know what I mean.

tasha_111

CR1954 said:

dmc.........
Love you! And there ain't nobody crazy on this board! Challenged and super stressed...yes. But we will get by...including you. Better days ahead girlfriend!

Hugs,

CR

DMC..
Hang in there Hun. We all missed you and sorry that you had such a bad time of things. I'll be thinking of you. Hugs Jxxxxxx

Calleen

lanie940 said:

I have myself programed on
I have myself programed on that "Pain Scale" they use. If it's on level 1-3 I use either extra strength tylenol(1) or 1 aleve, maybe 2 if it's like a 4, and when it's 5-7 I have a prescription of Percoset.I got that filled before my lumpectomy and didn't use it until the other night when i had really bad upper chest pains like pinched nerve or chest wall muscle pull from the CT scan from having my arms above my head. Now I need a hernia operation. ARRGH. I showed my stupid GI Dr. the lump in my abdomen in early June for pete's sake. He said nothing. The hernia has part of my sm bowel looped on it!
I also will need to start my RAD's after we get back from vacation, so I don't know how this is going to fly yet. The report(CT) said the hernia was imminent something. From what I'm now reading about the RADs I'm not looking forward to my boobie being burned. I'm fair skinned. I usually do get a light tan on the normally exposed areas though. You gals are all great, but sometimes I feel out of the loop if you know what I mean.

DMC
I have felt rejection during this time too and it's been very hard to deal with... BUT I know that I want to be there for my Daughters and Grankids. They are my life and they make sure I know that I am special to them. Your Daughter LOVES you.. God gave her to you for a very special reason...You are very lucky to have her.. I too have a very special Daughter who is my rock.. I have lost it so many times in front of her and she will just sit and hold me...I thank God for her everyday.. Start slow and look for unexpected blessings in things you never thought of before. Make a list of the things that really make you happy.. and you know we are all here for you...

HUGZ!!! Calleen

Marcia527

Naw, not crazy. We all have
Naw, not crazy. We all have bummer times. It'll be ok. Now you have to take care of yourself. You don't have to post if you don't want to but let us know how you are doing once in a while. Don't be so hard on yourself. Big HUGS coming your way so watch out!!!

outdoorgirl

Hey dmc
you can ride on our coat tails for now. You don't have to go anywhere. We all have done things that we wished we hadn't sometimes! And I'm glad that you took those pills on an empty stomach,puked, and are still around....
I've posted on here when I was in a funk before-and our bc sisters and Joe totally understand.
We love you!
Patty

rjjj

outdoorgirl said:

Hey dmc
you can ride on our coat tails for now. You don't have to go anywhere. We all have done things that we wished we hadn't sometimes! And I'm glad that you took those pills on an empty stomach,puked, and are still around....
I've posted on here when I was in a funk before-and our bc sisters and Joe totally understand.
We love you!
Patty

Dear Dmc
Please don't ever apologize for being human. I am so sorry for the hurt you have been through. I will be praying for you, it will get better hun. Post when you feel like it we will all be waiting right here for you.
love you,
Jackie

Christmas Girl

dmc...
First, no need for apology. Not here, not with us. Ever.

Second, you're not crazy. Just struggling, and mightily. Who wouldn't be?

Glad you're back, though truly sorry for all you've been through.

Please know that participation on the board is always optional. No matter how long you may take as a break, and for whatever reason, you remain a member amongst us. And, will always be welcome with open arms.

Please take good care...

Kind regards, Susan

tgf

Christmas Girl said:

dmc...
First, no need for apology. Not here, not with us. Ever.

Second, you're not crazy. Just struggling, and mightily. Who wouldn't be?

Glad you're back, though truly sorry for all you've been through.

Please know that participation on the board is always optional. No matter how long you may take as a break, and for whatever reason, you remain a member amongst us. And, will always be welcome with open arms.

Please take good care...

Kind regards, Susan

DMC
I've been wondering how your trip "home" went ... but since we hadn't heard from you in awhile I was pretty sure it didn't go well. I am sorry that you again faced "rejection" but I am glad you went.

My father is also nearly 90 and we do not see eye-to-eye on a LOT of things. It has taken a lot of "talking to myself" to come to grips with this because I was always very close to my father. I remember as a young girl I was almost his "shadow." I couldn't wait for weekends when he had errands to run and I'd always tag along ... to the hardware store, the lumber yard ... whereever he was going ... I wanted to go with him. And ... I'd sit on a high stool at his work bench as he repaired things and was fascinated by everything he did. In my eyes he was Superman and could do anything. As time passed ... my mother died and he remarried and since then my father became VERY distant and I did feel totally rejected. I'm 65 now ... and still know the feeling of being rejected by my father. As I said ... he's almost 90 now ... and it's only been in the last couple of years I have been able to come to grips with the situation. I had to tell myself that at that age he is NOT going to change. He is who he is. He's not the "Daddy" I grew up with ... but he is still my father. There was a time when the rejection was realy getting me down ... times when I needed him but he was not there for me ... but for my own peace of mind and sanity I had to keep telling myself he was NOT going to change ... no matter how much I tried to talk to him and explain how I felt etc. He was NOT going to change ... so I had to get myself to the place where I could accept him for who/what he is now. Distant. He is still my father ... but he is not "Daddy." He sees things through his eyes and nothing will change that. So ... I have had to change my way of thinking about him and our relationship. No matter how much I wish I could have my "Daddy" back ... that person has changed. But then again ... I have changed too. We just have to learn to accept each other. It is still difficult sometimes to carry on a conversation with my father because I end up walking on eggshells avoiding certain topics that might "set him off" in a direction I don't want to go. He's from another generation ... and I think that has something to do with it too. His generation didn't discuss certain things and didn't really know how to show their feelings ... because they weren't supposed to show their feelings (unless is was anger ... or being judgemental ... those feelings were OK). So ... it's kind of like the "Serenity Prayer" ...
"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

And ... I can't change my father.

I'll be thinking of you and hope things get better for you ...

hugs,
teena