having a hard time putting on a happy face today

ppurdin
ppurdin Member Posts: 1,181
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
OK HERE GOES,I MOST OF THE TIME HAVE A GOOD OUT LOOK ABOUT WHAT I AM GOING THROUGH.BUT TODAY I JUST CAN NOT FOLLOW THROUGH WITH PRETENDING I AM FINE.TODAY.I SEE MY CANCER DR. MON.CANCER IT STILL SEAMS STRANGE SAYING I HAVE CANCER.I KNOW I WLL BE STARTING MY TREATMENTS SOON.I HAVE TWO GROWN CHILDREN,MY DAUGHTER WHICH SOMETIMES KNOWS WHEN I AM SAD.MY SON WHO THINKS I SHOULD NEVER BE DOWN ABOUT IT.HE CAME OVER AND HAD COFFEE WITH ME THIS MORNING.AND HE SAID MOM YOU SEAM DOWN AND INSTEAD OF SAYING NO I AM NOT.I SAID WELL I GUESS I AM I AM NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO THE TREATMENTS.MY DAUGHTER WANTED TO HAVE A FAMILY PICNIC,AND I JUST WANTED T0 HAVE A QUIET DAY.I USUALLY WOULD DO WHAT EVER THEY WANT.BUT NOT TODAY,NOW I AM ALONE I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE.WHAT IS ALL THIS MIXED FEELINGS?I KNOW SO MANY PEOPLE HAVE IT HARDER THAN ME AND I DON,T WANT TO BECOME SELFISH.I HAVE TWO GREAT CHILDREN THAT I AM PROUD TO SAY I RAISED BY MY SELF.BUT NOT EVEN THEY UNDERSTAND WHAT IT IS LIKE FOR ME.MY HUSBAND JUST DON,T TALK ABOUT IT AT ALL.I DON,T KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO IF IT WASN,T FOR THIS WEB SIGHT.THANKS FOR LISTNING AND GOD BLESS YOU.PAT.

Comments

  • taleena
    taleena Member Posts: 1,612 Member
    ~
    I know the roller coaster ride of emotions can seem overwhelming, please hang in there. Moods swing back and forth like a pendulum sometimes, but you will ride it through. Doing what you want is not being selfish, it is taking care of yourself, even if what you want seems to change from one moment to the next. Go easy on your self. If you want to get out of the house, get out of the house, if you want a quiet day at home have a quiet day at home... do what is right for you... I will be thinking of you Monday.. hang in there, and keep this site handy... I know it has been like a lifeline to me at times, and that is what we are all here for... to support eachother, celebrate or cry with eachother....

    Gentle hugs to you my friend...

    ♥ & hugs,

    ~T
  • MAJW
    MAJW Member Posts: 2,510 Member
    BE SELFISH!
    I understand what you're going through......everyone on this wonderful site knows....What you are feeling is perfectly "normal" considering the circumstances. I was up and down like a yo-yo! I,too, have two grown kids and 4 grands.....My husband has been wonderful as have the kids, but NO ONE but no one "gets it" or totally understands what you are going through except those who have walked in your shoes, like all the women here.

    I am well into my treatment......lumpectomy on May 20, with good, clean, clear margins and the removal of the first 3 sentinel lymph nodes, which were clean. I must say, for me the surgery wasn't much at all. I started chemo on June 15 and have had 3 infusions with the last coming August 17........can't wait although it wasn't as bad as I thought. I then start 7 weeks of radiation. I think once I started treatment was the beginning of my "feeling better." I felt like I was finally doing something to get rid of this "beast." I think what has helped me is ME! I decided early on that I was going to be SELFISH! For the first time in my life!!!!! I am blessed in the fact that I have no obligations or responsibilities. I am able to do as I please, whether that is to nap, get out of the house, work on a painting, what ever! Mostly I have stuck pretty close to home, it feels "safe" here, my cocoon........I have been able to move past the "OH MY GOD I HAVE CANCER" stage........it doesn't consume my every waking thought like it did in the beginning. I also, in the beginning took Valium.......it really helped! I demanded something for my anxiety. I had never taken anything like that but it worked. For some reason, the professionals FORGET to treat the MENTAL aspect of this disease, which I have told each and everyone of them......treating the anxiety treats the whole body!

    Try to hang in there......I know, really I do, that's easier said than done....I got tired of pretending "I'm fine" and I said so! I know it's hell on our families and they really don't know what to do.......I think it's their feelings of "helplessness." I went through that with my own mother when I was 25.......My best wishes go out to you.......consider yourself having just recieved a big hug from me! I get it!
    N
  • outdoorgirl
    outdoorgirl Member Posts: 1,565
    ppurdin
    your feelings are normal because you've been diagnosed with cancer. I don't think anyone should think your attitude should be great all of the time-especially yourself! So give yourself a break-just try not to stay in the funk too long when you're there! Don't let it screw up any enjoyment and positivity that you could have!
    Enjoy quiet time if you feel like it,or get out and enjoy the day. Bring a bunch of chick flicks or whatever kind of movies you like home and veg out with your favorite snacks. When I found out that things were not quite right(but I hadn't been diagnosed yet) Ratatouille had just come out at the theater and I saw it(same day as having my second set of mammos and ultrasound).It really helped take my mind off of things for a while at least!
    You're right,it's really hard for some to talk about it-don't know if they're just afraid of saying the wrong thing or don't know what to say...
    Your life is not over because you've been diagnosed-it's just going to be a different kind of life! And you are not alone-we are here and there are others out there as well!
    Love,
    Patty
  • whichwitch
    whichwitch Member Posts: 42
    Moods we don't understand,
    Moods we don't understand, but just flow with them. Want to be alone and then when alone you want some one around. You are what we call normal!!!!! Just follow your spirit and do whatever it takes to feel more better. I have a joke for you;;;; ready

    If an elephant's front feet are going 90 miles an hour, what is his back feet doing?????


    Hauling ****. (oops)
  • outdoorgirl
    outdoorgirl Member Posts: 1,565

    Moods we don't understand,
    Moods we don't understand, but just flow with them. Want to be alone and then when alone you want some one around. You are what we call normal!!!!! Just follow your spirit and do whatever it takes to feel more better. I have a joke for you;;;; ready

    If an elephant's front feet are going 90 miles an hour, what is his back feet doing?????


    Hauling ****. (oops)

    Aawww
    Hahahaha! Very funny,whichwitch!!!
  • Eil4186
    Eil4186 Member Posts: 949
    Pat, be patient with your
    Pat, be patient with your emotions. As was mentioned, cancer causes a roller coaster of emotions. Cancer is devastating both physically and emotionally. Those who have never experienced it cannot possibly relate to what you are going through.

    During treatment and beyond I cried at the drop of a hat. In fact I still do 3 years later and have recently begun seeing a therapist to try and get unstuck from the emotional damage I still carry around like a shadow of my cancer. In fact she told me that because the stress of cancer is sustained over many months, patients often experience post-traumatic stress syndrome.

    This is not to say that you will be down for as long, but it illustrates that cancer is not just something that you "get over" right away, or just "shake off". It is difficult, and frightening and especially during treatment it is expected that you will have ups and downs and some days you may not know how you are feeling or what you want to do. Others will have to be patient and understanding. Your first priority now is you. Take care, Eil
  • guitarmom2
    guitarmom2 Member Posts: 39
    Don't be afraid to "play the cancer card" as my 13 year old says
    I, like you, didn't want to be "selfish", but I have come to realize (knowledge gained over the past two months since diagnosis and bilateral mastectomy and starting reconstruction), that I have NO IDEA what I can handle each day or even each part of a day. My best days are when I respect that I often need to focus on my needs first (how many women are actually good at that???) Today, started out great. I had energy for the first time since surgery and did some cleaning. It felt terrific. Unfortunately it did not last. It's 4pm now and I am tired and sad again. If we focus on who we are letting down by allowing ourselves to be sad or opting out of an activity we are most likely making it much harder to recover. Even my self-centered adolescent son is beginning to understand. He saw my scars from the lymph node removal yesterday and as he said "they cut you THERE?" I saw a change in his face. Suddenly what I had gone through became real. You say you have raised 2 great children. Allow them to be the great people that they are and see the real you. Give them the gift of taking care of you a little. It will help htem to feel like they have a small amount of control in a scary situation that steals control.
  • m_azingrace
    m_azingrace Member Posts: 399

    Don't be afraid to "play the cancer card" as my 13 year old says
    I, like you, didn't want to be "selfish", but I have come to realize (knowledge gained over the past two months since diagnosis and bilateral mastectomy and starting reconstruction), that I have NO IDEA what I can handle each day or even each part of a day. My best days are when I respect that I often need to focus on my needs first (how many women are actually good at that???) Today, started out great. I had energy for the first time since surgery and did some cleaning. It felt terrific. Unfortunately it did not last. It's 4pm now and I am tired and sad again. If we focus on who we are letting down by allowing ourselves to be sad or opting out of an activity we are most likely making it much harder to recover. Even my self-centered adolescent son is beginning to understand. He saw my scars from the lymph node removal yesterday and as he said "they cut you THERE?" I saw a change in his face. Suddenly what I had gone through became real. You say you have raised 2 great children. Allow them to be the great people that they are and see the real you. Give them the gift of taking care of you a little. It will help htem to feel like they have a small amount of control in a scary situation that steals control.

    Hi Pat...
    I'm going through

    Hi Pat...

    I'm going through something similar, although my family doesn't try to have a pep rally whenever they get around me. However, they don't want to say the C-word either. This is a "little thing" I'm going through. Surgery was a "procedure". Etc. I have decided to be totally self-indulgent for the next while. Today I spent time in stores where no one knew me, and I was treated like I was normal. I had made an appointment for a pedicure. Not one of those quickies, but one that actually took more than an hour. I was pampered, and treated like I was the only person there. In my entire life before cancer, I'd had only 2 other pedicures [I'm 67]. Now, I've had 2 in less than a month! How great is that?

    HubbyDearest tries to pretend things are the same as always. He's prone to making petty complaints about people who are on the fringe of our existance...who we wouldnt miss if they fell off the edge of the world. He came in the other day ranting about something C....n had said, and going on and on and on. Finally, since I had not responded to him, he decided to turn his anger on me, because I seemed to be ignoring him, instead of agreeing with him. Usually, I just let it go. But that day I was feeling especially "victimized" by the cancer, and was not in the mood for anything else. I said "I have Cancer...do you really think I care about any of that?" Stopped him in his tracks!

    Unless they've been there, they cannot begin to see it from your point of view. This is especially true as long as our outward appearance remains unchanged. When our hair falls out, if we lose our eyebrows and eyelashes, our energy fades, our time is consumed with dr appointments and treatments, and whatever else happens, it will be real to them. Hopefully, it will pull them closer instead of causing them to stay away [sadly, that does happen].

    I've already discovered that this is a good place to come to talk to others who truly understand. Thanks to you all!
  • ppurdin
    ppurdin Member Posts: 1,181

    Hi Pat...
    I'm going through

    Hi Pat...

    I'm going through something similar, although my family doesn't try to have a pep rally whenever they get around me. However, they don't want to say the C-word either. This is a "little thing" I'm going through. Surgery was a "procedure". Etc. I have decided to be totally self-indulgent for the next while. Today I spent time in stores where no one knew me, and I was treated like I was normal. I had made an appointment for a pedicure. Not one of those quickies, but one that actually took more than an hour. I was pampered, and treated like I was the only person there. In my entire life before cancer, I'd had only 2 other pedicures [I'm 67]. Now, I've had 2 in less than a month! How great is that?

    HubbyDearest tries to pretend things are the same as always. He's prone to making petty complaints about people who are on the fringe of our existance...who we wouldnt miss if they fell off the edge of the world. He came in the other day ranting about something C....n had said, and going on and on and on. Finally, since I had not responded to him, he decided to turn his anger on me, because I seemed to be ignoring him, instead of agreeing with him. Usually, I just let it go. But that day I was feeling especially "victimized" by the cancer, and was not in the mood for anything else. I said "I have Cancer...do you really think I care about any of that?" Stopped him in his tracks!

    Unless they've been there, they cannot begin to see it from your point of view. This is especially true as long as our outward appearance remains unchanged. When our hair falls out, if we lose our eyebrows and eyelashes, our energy fades, our time is consumed with dr appointments and treatments, and whatever else happens, it will be real to them. Hopefully, it will pull them closer instead of causing them to stay away [sadly, that does happen].

    I've already discovered that this is a good place to come to talk to others who truly understand. Thanks to you all!

    going through the same thing.A-MAZING GRACE
    I KNOW JUST WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT.MY HUSBAND NEVER MENTIONS IT.AND YOUR RIGHT HE ACTS LIKE NOTHING HAS CHANGED.WHEN CANCER HAS CHANGED EVERYTHING.LIKE YOU I TOLD HIM ONE DAY I SAID I HAVE CANCER AND I ASK HIM SURLEY YOU CARE IF I LIVE OR DIE.HE SAID HE DID,I HAVE TO THINK HE DOES BUT SOMETIMES I REALLY WONDER.but i just can,t think of this i have to get through this even if it means he don,t help me much.i have to survive this.i have had a hard day today,feeling down.i went and got my hair colored and bought a new blouse.and got me take out for dinner.THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR REPLY.GOD BLESS YOU.PAT.THANK GOD FOR THIS WEB SIGHT.
  • mlmjt1
    mlmjt1 Member Posts: 537
    Hi Pat
    Honestly I know what youre saying. I have an 19 year old son and 23 year old daughter. My son really doesnt acknowledge the cancer much. Im not sure he really knows what to think of mom going thru something like this when I have always been the one who coordinates everything and takes care of everybody. My daughter lives in chicago and we are 3 hours away. I have seen her 1 time since my surgery. She hasnt been home since I started my chemo though we do talk often. They really dont know what to do or say. Unfortunately my poor husband who took a reluctant retirement from gm is home all the time and he gets to deal with all the meltdowns. He really has been supportive but I do know I wear on him too.

    Really this site and talking to everyone here is about the only place where people really get it.

    The emotional up and downs to me are almost harder than the treatment itself. My old life is gone now and I will never have it back again...But I do believe that there is something positive to be learned and that the strength I gain from this experience will be a good thing.

    I have to believe that

    Hugs
    Linda T