Mother-in-law has stage IV - advice on how to help her?

Kate243
Kate243 Member Posts: 3
edited March 2014 in Colorectal Cancer #1
My mother-in-law was diagnosed with stage IV rectal ca (mets to liver and lung) over 5 yrs ago. Her previous treatments have been relatively successful at shrinking her tumors. After her last course of chemo 3 months ago her oncologist said with treatment her cancer, while not curable, would be manageable for quite some time. Because she has become fairly frail and was living alone, she's come to live with us. 3 days ago she was told she has a sizeable tumor on her facial bone which is pushing on her optic nerve. This is the worst news we've had since the original diagnosis. She's got persistent headaches, loss of vision in 1 eye, and nausea. She begins radiation next week. I'm terrified of the road ahead. I've never cared for anyone with a serious illness. Does anyone have insight as to how I can help her through this?

Thank you

Comments

  • eric38
    eric38 Member Posts: 583
    #2
    Woderful in law
    First of all, congratulations on being so willing to do what it takes for your mother in law. So many people don`t even get slong with their in laws. As far as care I don`t think that there are any absolutes. It`s so individualized for each person. I think the best you can do is just to be there and be willing to help her physically and the next is to try to be as supportive and comforting as possible. As far as pain management I think that is what drugs are for. Cancer is a scary thing for the patient and the care giver. Sometimes I think it is harder to watch your loved one go through than to deal with it yourself. She has hit a big snag but she may still be in the game for a long time. I think being pro active is the best approach. Seek more than one counselor as far as care and treatment go. One cancer center may know something another does not. MD Anderson is known for being on the cutting edge and having expert surgeons and oncologists. I don`t know if any of this helps but I hope your mother in law does well and bounces back from this. She has come a long way and hopefully will continue on for a long time.

    Eric
  • Kate243
    Kate243 Member Posts: 3
    #3
    eric38 said:

    Woderful in law
    First of all, congratulations on being so willing to do what it takes for your mother in law. So many people don`t even get slong with their in laws. As far as care I don`t think that there are any absolutes. It`s so individualized for each person. I think the best you can do is just to be there and be willing to help her physically and the next is to try to be as supportive and comforting as possible. As far as pain management I think that is what drugs are for. Cancer is a scary thing for the patient and the care giver. Sometimes I think it is harder to watch your loved one go through than to deal with it yourself. She has hit a big snag but she may still be in the game for a long time. I think being pro active is the best approach. Seek more than one counselor as far as care and treatment go. One cancer center may know something another does not. MD Anderson is known for being on the cutting edge and having expert surgeons and oncologists. I don`t know if any of this helps but I hope your mother in law does well and bounces back from this. She has come a long way and hopefully will continue on for a long time.

    Eric

    depression
    Eric, thanks for the encouraging words. I appreciate you sharing your wisdom. You're absolutely right that she has come a long way.

    I know that she's a real fighter but am afraid the cancer is besting her mentally as well as physically. She's been struggling with depression since before she was diagnosed and has not been interested in treating it. Now more than ever I feel strongly she should consider anti-depressants. But I don't want to push her. And is it foolish for me to even suggest she worry about her mental health at a time like this?

    I am curious to know if people feel depression treatment is a necessary piece of the overall treatment plan. Or should I just back off that topic with her?
  • PamPam2
    PamPam2 Member Posts: 370 Member
    #4
    Kate243 said:

    depression
    Eric, thanks for the encouraging words. I appreciate you sharing your wisdom. You're absolutely right that she has come a long way.

    I know that she's a real fighter but am afraid the cancer is besting her mentally as well as physically. She's been struggling with depression since before she was diagnosed and has not been interested in treating it. Now more than ever I feel strongly she should consider anti-depressants. But I don't want to push her. And is it foolish for me to even suggest she worry about her mental health at a time like this?

    I am curious to know if people feel depression treatment is a necessary piece of the overall treatment plan. Or should I just back off that topic with her?

    depression
    I believe that state of mind is important when battling cancer. I believe it has been found people who are suffering from depression are more prone to illness, infection, catching cold and so on. Many many of the patients at my oncologist's office are prescribed anti-depressants, and they asked me almost every visit if I was feeling depression and needed anything for it. My onc. prescribes effecta (sp?) a lot for her cancer patients, I think it is one of the milder ones, and goes ok with chemo. Perhaps you can speak with her doctor about this issue? I don't know if she qualifies for hospice, the doctor could probably push that through, but they are a Godsend. I am a stage 4 colon ca survivor myself, and my dad had lung and bone cancer. He got hospice, they were such a great help to us, a nurse would visit anytime needed, and home aides too, they will do anything at all you need, fix a meal, help with bathing, sweep the floor. They also are trained and can help with emotional issues. They usually have ministers and other types of volunteers, like one man who came and played the guitar for my dad. He was not a religious type of man, but did enjoy the minister's visits, they will not preach at you if that is how you want it. I hope things get better for her, and take care of yourself too.
    Pam
  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member
    #5
    Kate243 said:

    depression
    Eric, thanks for the encouraging words. I appreciate you sharing your wisdom. You're absolutely right that she has come a long way.

    I know that she's a real fighter but am afraid the cancer is besting her mentally as well as physically. She's been struggling with depression since before she was diagnosed and has not been interested in treating it. Now more than ever I feel strongly she should consider anti-depressants. But I don't want to push her. And is it foolish for me to even suggest she worry about her mental health at a time like this?

    I am curious to know if people feel depression treatment is a necessary piece of the overall treatment plan. Or should I just back off that topic with her?

    Huge Piece of the Puzzle
    Hi Kate

    The MIND is the key to the whole fight - the absolute #1 component in the fight against Cancer. It is the straw that stirs the drink - the quarterback that runs the game for the rest of the body.

    The Mind controls the physical, mental and spiritual aspects and makes our bodies do the things that we otherwise would not do or consider. I can't stress this enough.

    If anti-depressants are needed, I would go ahead and introduce those because they might get the ball rolling and over time she may or may not need them anymore - eithe way is OK.

    Remember this phrase - The Mind Has Got to be Right, to Fight."

    I'm a Stage IV Fighter and am well into my 6th year of my Cancer Battle and journey. The road is not an EZ one - the path is filled with highs and lows - good days and bad days. It's how we choose to address the fight that defines who we are.

    It's understandable that she would be feeling depressed. The key is not to get down more than a day or 2, because the longer it goes on, the more it moves in. And once it has found a home, it does not want to leave.

    Of course, no one can make another person fight through the Cancer - it's always an individual decision made by each person when their day comes. I cannot necessarily fault anyone from either fighting or giving up - we're each entitled to do or handle it the way want to.

    However, I would like to strongly encourage her to catch her 2nd wind and get after this thing. By not submitting and giving in to the fight will make her feel better than she realizes.

    I believe in at least trying and giving it your best - that's all any of us can ask out of each other, right?

    Print out this story and read it to her for me - I want her to know that I think she can at least Stand Up to Cancer! I will be praying for strength for you and her and hope that calm and peace over the both of you - and that she decides to try the meds for awhile to see if they help.

    God Bless You and keep us all posted on the progress - we're all really concerned and want only the best!

    -Craig
  • Kate243
    Kate243 Member Posts: 3
    #6
    Sundanceh said:

    Huge Piece of the Puzzle
    Hi Kate

    The MIND is the key to the whole fight - the absolute #1 component in the fight against Cancer. It is the straw that stirs the drink - the quarterback that runs the game for the rest of the body.

    The Mind controls the physical, mental and spiritual aspects and makes our bodies do the things that we otherwise would not do or consider. I can't stress this enough.

    If anti-depressants are needed, I would go ahead and introduce those because they might get the ball rolling and over time she may or may not need them anymore - eithe way is OK.

    Remember this phrase - The Mind Has Got to be Right, to Fight."

    I'm a Stage IV Fighter and am well into my 6th year of my Cancer Battle and journey. The road is not an EZ one - the path is filled with highs and lows - good days and bad days. It's how we choose to address the fight that defines who we are.

    It's understandable that she would be feeling depressed. The key is not to get down more than a day or 2, because the longer it goes on, the more it moves in. And once it has found a home, it does not want to leave.

    Of course, no one can make another person fight through the Cancer - it's always an individual decision made by each person when their day comes. I cannot necessarily fault anyone from either fighting or giving up - we're each entitled to do or handle it the way want to.

    However, I would like to strongly encourage her to catch her 2nd wind and get after this thing. By not submitting and giving in to the fight will make her feel better than she realizes.

    I believe in at least trying and giving it your best - that's all any of us can ask out of each other, right?

    Print out this story and read it to her for me - I want her to know that I think she can at least Stand Up to Cancer! I will be praying for strength for you and her and hope that calm and peace over the both of you - and that she decides to try the meds for awhile to see if they help.

    God Bless You and keep us all posted on the progress - we're all really concerned and want only the best!

    -Craig

    thank you
    craig and pam,

    thanks for your input and i totally agree that mental well being is extremely important. i will continue gently suggesting she consider something to help her in this regard. i do fear she's given up in a way but she is willing to start radiation next week so hopefully she'll have some success (relatively speaking) with that and will feel buoyed a bit. i will keep you posted of her status and may need to turn to you all for advice from time to time.

    thank you for "listening".

    kate

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