Rant!

Sherry_Ranuio

You too, huh?
So many good responses I thought I'd add to the pot! My mother-in-law pretty much said, "Oh, that's no big deal. My sister had that and she just went in and told the doctors to take it off and never had another problem." I thought "Yeah, that's great." That wasn't going to work for me though. Our experiences are personal and differ from person to person. People who haven't gone through it just don't really understand. I know they mean well, I had people praying for me coast to coast! I received two prayer shawls. People who didn't even know me made me gift bags with holy water! I accepted everyone's well wishes and gifts and advice gracefully. The love and kindness was there and that is what I always kept in mind. When they say "You look great!" even when you feel your worst, they are showing their support. When it comes to having the "same thing" well we all share in the "same thing" one way or another.

Best wishes,
Sherry

Akiss4me

Sherry_Ranuio said:

You too, huh?
So many good responses I thought I'd add to the pot! My mother-in-law pretty much said, "Oh, that's no big deal. My sister had that and she just went in and told the doctors to take it off and never had another problem." I thought "Yeah, that's great." That wasn't going to work for me though. Our experiences are personal and differ from person to person. People who haven't gone through it just don't really understand. I know they mean well, I had people praying for me coast to coast! I received two prayer shawls. People who didn't even know me made me gift bags with holy water! I accepted everyone's well wishes and gifts and advice gracefully. The love and kindness was there and that is what I always kept in mind. When they say "You look great!" even when you feel your worst, they are showing their support. When it comes to having the "same thing" well we all share in the "same thing" one way or another.

Best wishes,
Sherry

Hey Sherry
I'm curious....what is a prayer shawl? I have never heard of one. -) Pammy

DianeBC

mimivac said:

heard that
Yes, Gracie, we've all heard that in one form or another. Sometimes it is out of desperation and fear. When I was first diganosed, a very dear friend called with the names of several people in her academic department who had had breast cancer and come back to teach the following semester. She was trying to be helpful and give me hope that things would be OK. Truthfully, at that point I needed stories like that. I didn't know anything about breast cancer and just wanted to know that there were people who had had it and were still around. Later, however, when I got into the nitty gritty of things I learned just how much of an individual disease it is -- just how much it differs from person to person. Now, comments like that don't mean much to me, and sometimes anger me, especially when it comes from people very close to me, like my mom. I try not to snap at her, but sometimes after the hundreth time hearing of a friend of a friend who had breast cancer thirty years ago and now runs marathons, I can be testy. You're right, it is never the "same thing."

I think you are right to recognize that you're angry and don't want to target well meaning people who may say insensitive things. Just keeping reminding yourself of that. I know it might still be too raw, but think of little things that would make you happy and distract you. Trips, coffee on an outdoor deck, playing cards with friends in the evening, whatever. Don't forget to live your life during all this crap.

Mimi

When people say how great I
When people say how great I look, I just say Great for what? lol

fauxma

Akiss4me said:

Wow!!!
Stef, I would be running out to get that one copywrited!! As for a title, how about "It's Not What You Think" or something like that? Great poem, love it!! -) Pammy

I just saw your title. I
I just saw your title. I like it. It works. Thank you.
Stef

dyaneb123

Yeah Gracie
The point is
Yeah Gracie
The point is that they mean well but they are clueless..like my coworker who said her husband never lost his hair, so I probably wouldn't either....I heard lots of varitions on that one...
Or my brother saying that all the smoking I did in my 20's caused it....I do try to take the time to explain why we are not all the same when it's appropriate...but what can you do?

aztec45

More Stupid Comments
I don't know if I was tired or weak from my second round of chemo but today must have been my time to hear more stupid cancer comments. This woman I work with sends me recipes for vegatable smoothies and salads. She says her friend had ovarian cancer and it has since gone as a result of her eating these salads and things. More of my co-workers chime in and say, "Yes, if you try this maybe it will work for you". I am thinking, yes, let go out and raid my local veggie stand. Why didn't my Onc think of this? I then explain how my Onc wants me to eat chicken and a few carbs to boost my white blood cell production and that when my white cells are low, I really have to watch the intake of raw veggies and fruit. Of course non of my co-workers get that when your white cells are low, you are prone to bugs, fungus, and viruses that a normal immune system can deal with. I explain this to them. So this one guy says, "Well, why can't you eat acidopholis to counter the bugs?" I am thinking, yes, I will run out and drink a swimming pool full of acidopholis and abra-cadabra all bugs will be gone. I told him I was not aware that acidopholis would boost white blood cells.

The kicker was this....some of my co-workers are going to participate in the Race for the Cure this weekend. It is really a great thing they are doing and I do appreciate it. I have been feeling week and queezy this week so I had not planned to attend even though it is in my honor. My boss asked me again today if I was going to attend. I explained why I would not be there and reminded him that it was going to be 95 degrees with a heat index of 107. He says to me, "Oh, it won't be that hot. The race is early." I was getting about pissed by now. My boss says, "So you can't attend the race for just a little bit?" I shook my head and told him that I had forewarned everyone that if I had undergone a chemo treatment and was not feeling up to it, that I would not attend. He says, "So you don't think you can do that -you don't think you can attend for a little bit?" I am kind of like, am I speaking Spanish? I think NO is the same in English and Spanish. I looked him dead in the eyes and said it is not that I cannot attend, it is that I will not attend. I am not going to risk making myself sick and not be worth a s--t next week. I told him, "You want me to finish that project next week, right?"

What is it with these people? Do I have to be crawling on the floor, puking my guts out before they get that I feel sick from the chemo? Just because I do not go around like a town crier, spilling what side effects I experiencing, does that mean there are no chemo effects. They do not understand and they will never understand. You know half the people I work with cannot complete a tough 40-hour work week let alone while undergoing chemo.

I swear I got so mad I just wanted to hurt someone. It was hard to see that they meant well.

Thanks for listening.

P

Alexis F

bfbear said:

I can identify!!!!!
I still get the, "You look great," which usually gets followed by, "for what you've been through," or some such stupid comment. A woman I sorta know asked me, "How do they feel?" and then actually poked me in one of my foobs (fake boobs, for those that are new...as in reconstructed from a bilat. mast. w/implants) the other day. And this was on the street in the middle of our town's annual arts festival! That was a new one, even for me. And this town is REALLY small.

I also got, and still get, a lot of, "Oh, you're so lucky you only had to have that surgery." I know I'm lucky compared to many of you on here, but that's between US. It's different when someone with no personal experience with cancer says that. And I don't know that I was so lucky to lose both my breasts. The foobs are nice, under clothing, but they are still weird and numb in some places/painful in others.

And then there are the many, many -- like you Grace -- who tell me about all their friends and relatives who went through the "same thing."

So, I guess it's all part of the process. And people are trying to be nice, and often they just don't know what to say, so you have to cut them a little slack and take some deep breaths.
I like Chen's saying: Be stronger than, not angry at. That works for me.


Hang in there,
Debi

OMG Debi, I can't believe
OMG Debi, I can't believe that woman actually poked you. That goes beyond rude! Geesh

Lex

m_azingrace

aztec45 said:

More Stupid Comments
I don't know if I was tired or weak from my second round of chemo but today must have been my time to hear more stupid cancer comments. This woman I work with sends me recipes for vegatable smoothies and salads. She says her friend had ovarian cancer and it has since gone as a result of her eating these salads and things. More of my co-workers chime in and say, "Yes, if you try this maybe it will work for you". I am thinking, yes, let go out and raid my local veggie stand. Why didn't my Onc think of this? I then explain how my Onc wants me to eat chicken and a few carbs to boost my white blood cell production and that when my white cells are low, I really have to watch the intake of raw veggies and fruit. Of course non of my co-workers get that when your white cells are low, you are prone to bugs, fungus, and viruses that a normal immune system can deal with. I explain this to them. So this one guy says, "Well, why can't you eat acidopholis to counter the bugs?" I am thinking, yes, I will run out and drink a swimming pool full of acidopholis and abra-cadabra all bugs will be gone. I told him I was not aware that acidopholis would boost white blood cells.

The kicker was this....some of my co-workers are going to participate in the Race for the Cure this weekend. It is really a great thing they are doing and I do appreciate it. I have been feeling week and queezy this week so I had not planned to attend even though it is in my honor. My boss asked me again today if I was going to attend. I explained why I would not be there and reminded him that it was going to be 95 degrees with a heat index of 107. He says to me, "Oh, it won't be that hot. The race is early." I was getting about pissed by now. My boss says, "So you can't attend the race for just a little bit?" I shook my head and told him that I had forewarned everyone that if I had undergone a chemo treatment and was not feeling up to it, that I would not attend. He says, "So you don't think you can do that -you don't think you can attend for a little bit?" I am kind of like, am I speaking Spanish? I think NO is the same in English and Spanish. I looked him dead in the eyes and said it is not that I cannot attend, it is that I will not attend. I am not going to risk making myself sick and not be worth a s--t next week. I told him, "You want me to finish that project next week, right?"

What is it with these people? Do I have to be crawling on the floor, puking my guts out before they get that I feel sick from the chemo? Just because I do not go around like a town crier, spilling what side effects I experiencing, does that mean there are no chemo effects. They do not understand and they will never understand. You know half the people I work with cannot complete a tough 40-hour work week let alone while undergoing chemo.

I swear I got so mad I just wanted to hurt someone. It was hard to see that they meant well.

Thanks for listening.

P

You're right. They just don't get it!
Today I received a package of information from the ACS, and as I read through some of the material I was struck with how much I don't know! Even so, if a person told me that she would not be attending an event because of health issues ... any health issue...heck, even an ingrown toenail...then I would respect that decision.

It's not only about the heat, although that is a good enough reason. The last thing you need, with your compromised immune system, is a whole bunch of people hugging you with their sweaty bodies, and panting their hot breaths all over you! "Look what we did for you!" I don't suppose it's something you can say just that way to them.

You made the right decision. Please don't change your mind. I understand that they may be disappointed if you're not there, but their disappointment is a very small consideration compared to the very real risk of serious illness. They actually sound like a great bunch of people, willing to participate in the Race for the Cure on your behalf. And for that, I give them lots of credit for caring. If it were me, I might be inclined to show my appreciation in some way when you're all back at work on Monday...pass around boxes of pink-wrapped candies, for instance in a pink bowl with a sign that says "Thanks for Caring", or some other expression of gratitude you can think of.

For the ones that offer interesting advice, I've already encountered a couple of those, and my answer each time has been "Thank you. I'll ask my doctor about it." So far, it's caused them to change the subject..."Gracie, how are those grandhildren? I bet they keep you busy." Don't you just love it?

aztec45

m_azingrace said:

You're right. They just don't get it!
Today I received a package of information from the ACS, and as I read through some of the material I was struck with how much I don't know! Even so, if a person told me that she would not be attending an event because of health issues ... any health issue...heck, even an ingrown toenail...then I would respect that decision.

It's not only about the heat, although that is a good enough reason. The last thing you need, with your compromised immune system, is a whole bunch of people hugging you with their sweaty bodies, and panting their hot breaths all over you! "Look what we did for you!" I don't suppose it's something you can say just that way to them.

You made the right decision. Please don't change your mind. I understand that they may be disappointed if you're not there, but their disappointment is a very small consideration compared to the very real risk of serious illness. They actually sound like a great bunch of people, willing to participate in the Race for the Cure on your behalf. And for that, I give them lots of credit for caring. If it were me, I might be inclined to show my appreciation in some way when you're all back at work on Monday...pass around boxes of pink-wrapped candies, for instance in a pink bowl with a sign that says "Thanks for Caring", or some other expression of gratitude you can think of.

For the ones that offer interesting advice, I've already encountered a couple of those, and my answer each time has been "Thank you. I'll ask my doctor about it." So far, it's caused them to change the subject..."Gracie, how are those grandhildren? I bet they keep you busy." Don't you just love it?

Thank You
You are so right, m_azingrace.

I think they are a great bunch, sometimes I think they want what they want and forget what I need. I don't want any set-backs. Pushing it when you already don't feel well could do it. Then they would probably say, "Why did you push so hard?"

I like your suggestion of some way to thank them. I was not sure how to do that.

I also like your doctor response. I think this is better than fuming and possibly saying something that could hurt someone.

Thanks again,

P