kids

hansie
hansie Member Posts: 37
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
ok for those of you who dont know me im a 42 yr old whose wife has sclc-ed and shes not doing well.Treatments have stopped,and hospice has ben brought in.Barb has ben doing well emotionally however there seems to be much ado about telling my kids(boys,11&13)about whats happening and whats going to happen.On two diffrent occasions the hospital social worker has come to the house to "tell them" and both times noone said anything.The last time was presented to me as a big deal...i took off work and made sure i was there and mentally prepared,and the kids arent dumb,they knew,and as this woman left without saying anything... they approached me wondering what was up.I did not say anything other than i dont know.Now my older son knows,and he and i had a cry,which was good.But my little man is left out.I believe he knows,and i also feel that he has ben acting out because he feels his brother is being treated diffrently than he.Now these social workers do this for a living,but i feel that putting this off longer is not good for my younger.At what point do you folks think i should take matters in my own hands?barb is now 4 weeks no treatments,home,able to feed herself,but not without a nap after...shes a bit grey,loosing a pound a day steadily,and becoming more and more out of it,and i have not ben given any official word on time left...any advice?

Comments

  • zahalene
    zahalene Member Posts: 670
    TODAY
    Now, asap. Talk to that boy.
    He knows something is up and is probably having all kinds of imaginations about it. Believe me, the truth, although it is rough, will be better for him than what he is making up in his mind.
    For one thing, the truth will put him in the game with you and the rest of the family. He can pull his own weight at his maturity level, and the rest of you can help him along. But if everyone is pretending, where is his support?
    You do not have to be harsh in your discussion with him, but give him the respect of spending these days with his mom in the way he chooses. How will he feel when he is older and realizes he was denied the opportunity to know these were his last days with her?
    Tell the social worker to do her job or get lost.
  • soccerfreaks
    soccerfreaks Member Posts: 2,788
    kids say the darndest things
    hansie, my kids are so old (how old are they?) that one of them is about to have her second child, or at least has the young one in the oven. Mine are 30 and 25.

    But, I coached not only them, but a bunch of other kids over a wonderful expanse of time, some very young (six years old), some much older (17 years old), some girls, some boys, and one thing I learned from that to my great delight (and occasional fear :)), was that they know WAY more than we give them credit for.

    Not just factually, hansie, but also emotionally. They are tougher than we give them credit for. I suspect, in fact, that they hide that from us parents. At the very least, I can tell you that I knew very little of this as a result of conversations with my own children.

    To the point: I agree with Zahalene. Trust your children, your boys, to understand, at these ages. Talk, though, not just about probabilities, but about possibilities, if there are any.

    I suspect, in fairness to the social worker, that he/she was trying to coax out of the boys the first expressions, so that she could move on from where they started. If they did not, she/he was probably reticent to continue. You, however, are dad. You know them (well, perhaps not like a soccer coach :)), and you know when you see things in their faces what they are going through and can react to that and adjust the conversation accordingly.

    But, as Za indicates, it is a conversation that needs to be had. The younger son is brighter than you might imagine and, I suspect, has already heard all of this from his older brother anyway, at least if they live in the same country. There is NO older brother in the world who does not want to lord it over his younger brother but who does not in time also have to divulge his 'secrets' in order to illustrate his superiority (I say that not as a soccer coach but as the oldest of six children, four of us brothers, once upon a time :)).

    Best wishes to your wife, to you, to your boys and to your family.

    Your obvious concern is something to admire.

    Take care,

    Joe
  • SonSon
    SonSon Member Posts: 174
    *Almost Worthless Social Worker
    The social worker that is coming to your home to facilitate the discussion of your wife's condition and the implications for your family is a failure at that task. Do not agree to have her come again - at least not for that task. A better solution is to call a licensed psychologist - and call around and ask for someone specifically familiar with death, dying and the grieving process - and have them visit your home, or pack up the kids to visit at his/her office.
    Kids know, but visiting a few times - and periodically over the next year or two - will help the kids and you process the whole thing in a healthy constructive way.
    Fatima
  • faithandprayer
    faithandprayer Member Posts: 177
    Level With Him
    Hansie,
    I agree completely with Za. Your son deserves this conversation. And, as Joe has pointed out with great insight, his brother has already told him something.

    Perhaps this window of opportunity was meant to be left open? Perhaps it's a conversation meant to be had with you? In the most difficult of circumstances, the greatest bonds are formed.

    Prayers,
    KC
  • glasus
    glasus Member Posts: 34

    Level With Him
    Hansie,
    I agree completely with Za. Your son deserves this conversation. And, as Joe has pointed out with great insight, his brother has already told him something.

    Perhaps this window of opportunity was meant to be left open? Perhaps it's a conversation meant to be had with you? In the most difficult of circumstances, the greatest bonds are formed.

    Prayers,
    KC

    dealing with it
    We have three grown women, whom i call see no evil, hear no evil and speak no evil.sarcastily said, they ain't got a clue. ages 39, 37, 30.love em dearly.I am of no help to you and just venting i'm sorry. my problem is { how old or when do they grow up}?
  • sue Siwek
    sue Siwek Member Posts: 279
    now! they are your
    now! they are your children. you are the one that should tell them. they should be allowed to grieve and say good bye to their mother. there is comfort for the dying as well as the living when all is out in the open.