Taking care of a spouse/partner

Doris_Holman

my husband has cancer
We have only known about my husbands cancer for a little over a month. He has testicular cancer. They removed his right testical to get rid of the cancer but it had already spread to his lymphnodes in his abdomen. He is now going through chemo for it. I couldnt imagine what it would be like to do this for 5 years. The doctor seems to think that after the chemo the cancer should all be gone. I hope that is true. He is 30 and I am 29. We have 3 kids together. We just had our third one 3 weeks before we found out about the cancer. My mother in law is scared that I am going to leave him. I have no plans on it. That is the last thing I want to do. She says that cancer causes alot of couples to split. I know it is hard. My husband was the sole provider for our family. Has a great job with the electric company. He is now on short term disability. He only gets half of his pay. I need to find a job but how can I with 3 children and a sick husband? I cant. If you need someone to talk to write me back. I am a good listener and I can try to help you in any way I can.
Take care
Doris

pattynonews

I can't remember life before
I can't remember life before cancer, we found out 3 months after Jack and I got together he had cancer, And we love each other dearly, he is my soul but I will be the first one to admit, I get angry over it too, It's hard not going out and having fun and doing all the other things we use to do, we are both in our 40's and this was suppose to be a second start for both of us, and new beginning, it was a new relationship, and yea there are days Im so mad, and upset, but I would have it no other way, I know what I am doing it making Jack better, and I know no one would take care of him like I do, I stay on top of his doctors, all his meds, his supplies , if I don't who will, and he wants no one else, I don't know what it is to have a normal life anymore, I call it living the life of the double sword, I don;t love Jack less because he has cancer, I just did not know that I would feel so alone, most of the time now, His therapist told him one day, Jack you have the easy part, Patty has the hard part, she goes through everything you are going through plus her own feelings Being a caretake is so hard, but I am also thankful Jack is so caring, and not mean or nasty He tells me he loves me everyday ( sometimes wakes me out of a dead sleep to them me ) he still always holding my hand, And we were at the cancer center yesterday and this patient was being so nasty to her caretaker, and I just wanted to say something to her, Jack gets in hiw moods and I tell him just becasue you have cancer there is no excuse to me nasty, Just like we are the care taker you too have to show the same respect, We are here by choice, we want to be here, because we do love our love ones, wow I just answered my own question, Why am I here, becaus I do love Jack and I want him to have the best care, Sometimes you just have to write it down to see it

newbride

pattynonews said:

I can't remember life before
I can't remember life before cancer, we found out 3 months after Jack and I got together he had cancer, And we love each other dearly, he is my soul but I will be the first one to admit, I get angry over it too, It's hard not going out and having fun and doing all the other things we use to do, we are both in our 40's and this was suppose to be a second start for both of us, and new beginning, it was a new relationship, and yea there are days Im so mad, and upset, but I would have it no other way, I know what I am doing it making Jack better, and I know no one would take care of him like I do, I stay on top of his doctors, all his meds, his supplies , if I don't who will, and he wants no one else, I don't know what it is to have a normal life anymore, I call it living the life of the double sword, I don;t love Jack less because he has cancer, I just did not know that I would feel so alone, most of the time now, His therapist told him one day, Jack you have the easy part, Patty has the hard part, she goes through everything you are going through plus her own feelings Being a caretake is so hard, but I am also thankful Jack is so caring, and not mean or nasty He tells me he loves me everyday ( sometimes wakes me out of a dead sleep to them me ) he still always holding my hand, And we were at the cancer center yesterday and this patient was being so nasty to her caretaker, and I just wanted to say something to her, Jack gets in hiw moods and I tell him just becasue you have cancer there is no excuse to me nasty, Just like we are the care taker you too have to show the same respect, We are here by choice, we want to be here, because we do love our love ones, wow I just answered my own question, Why am I here, becaus I do love Jack and I want him to have the best care, Sometimes you just have to write it down to see it

WOW
Patty you took the words right out of my mouth. All I can say is WOW. I feel like I could have totally written that myself. My husband and I are also in our early 40's just starting our life together. He was diagnosed with the first tumor 8 weeks before our wedding. The second tumor showed up the last day of our honeymoon!! We have not spend one day of our married life without cancer, without a hospital visit or some sort of surgery - ironically enough his second surgery was on our 1 month anniversay!!! Would I have walked away had I known this before we decided to get married? Not in a million years! Like you I too am on top of the doctors, etc in fact I was telling a friend tonight that my husband said all the doctors ask about me. My friend said I must have made an impression, I told her "Well, I hope it was the one that says don't **** me I am one step ahead of you and I know how to do my research and homework".

Right now he is gettign the most aggressive treatment possible -- 2 doses of radiation a day and a 24 hr chemo drip. They just did another biopsy this morning on something they think might be another tumor -- if there is another tumor in the middle of all this aggressive treatment I think we might be doomed but I am not giving up and I will not let him stop fighting.

lily33

Doris_Holman said:

my husband has cancer
We have only known about my husbands cancer for a little over a month. He has testicular cancer. They removed his right testical to get rid of the cancer but it had already spread to his lymphnodes in his abdomen. He is now going through chemo for it. I couldnt imagine what it would be like to do this for 5 years. The doctor seems to think that after the chemo the cancer should all be gone. I hope that is true. He is 30 and I am 29. We have 3 kids together. We just had our third one 3 weeks before we found out about the cancer. My mother in law is scared that I am going to leave him. I have no plans on it. That is the last thing I want to do. She says that cancer causes alot of couples to split. I know it is hard. My husband was the sole provider for our family. Has a great job with the electric company. He is now on short term disability. He only gets half of his pay. I need to find a job but how can I with 3 children and a sick husband? I cant. If you need someone to talk to write me back. I am a good listener and I can try to help you in any way I can.
Take care
Doris

Hang in there
Doris,

I am 33 and my husband (35)has been battling kidney cancer (now stage 4) for over 5 years. We have a 3, 5, and 7 year old. I understand your fears all too well. I constantly wonder what I will do when my husband is unable to work (he is also the breadwinner). I wish I had words that would alleviate your fears. You have a tough road ahead of you but you have to pull it together for the kids. There were days when I knew I would have not gotten out of bed if it weren't for them. Just take things one day at a time. If you focus on 10 different tasks at once you will go crazy. Every day I make a list of the things that need to get done. Then I pick the most important ones and focus on that. You will really start to prioritize and find out that some of the things that you worried about before aren't worth your energy. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband as you begin this journey.

lily33

ruthelizabeth

newbride said:

WOW
Patty you took the words right out of my mouth. All I can say is WOW. I feel like I could have totally written that myself. My husband and I are also in our early 40's just starting our life together. He was diagnosed with the first tumor 8 weeks before our wedding. The second tumor showed up the last day of our honeymoon!! We have not spend one day of our married life without cancer, without a hospital visit or some sort of surgery - ironically enough his second surgery was on our 1 month anniversay!!! Would I have walked away had I known this before we decided to get married? Not in a million years! Like you I too am on top of the doctors, etc in fact I was telling a friend tonight that my husband said all the doctors ask about me. My friend said I must have made an impression, I told her "Well, I hope it was the one that says don't **** me I am one step ahead of you and I know how to do my research and homework".

Right now he is gettign the most aggressive treatment possible -- 2 doses of radiation a day and a 24 hr chemo drip. They just did another biopsy this morning on something they think might be another tumor -- if there is another tumor in the middle of all this aggressive treatment I think we might be doomed but I am not giving up and I will not let him stop fighting.

Together thru everything
When we got the diagnosis (papillary renal cell cancer,metastacized to lungs and lymph nodes and now subcutaneous tissue), I told my husband (now 7 years, 1 month, 5 days) that he didn't have cancer; WE had cancer. I may not know what he feels like or exactly what he's going thru, but I do all I can for him and share as much as he'll let me. I know somewhat more than he does about the drug he's just started on and also what the dr. is saying about possible outcomes. He knows more than I do about the specifics of how he feels.

He's still active and busy and as positive as he can be, given that this drug is a response to unexpected, rapid regrowth and spread of the cancer. When I'm with him, I'm as positive as I can be. Our love has always been strong (even on the occasions in the early years of our marriage when I walked the dog and screamed -- it is possible to love someone and have moments when you're not sure you like them). This has brought us even closer together.

Lately he's been a tad less patient with situations -- which is understandable. I am trying to find a way to get my foundation more stable as my concentration at work isn't as good as it could be. Since hibernation isn't an option, I'm just doing the best I can.

If I'd seen this coming, would I still be here? You betcha. I can't imagine him going thru this alone. Nobody should have to be that tough.

Beckymarie

Yes, being a spouse of a
Yes, being a spouse of a cancer patient is very difficult. Your life changes in a blink of an eye. My husband and I had a very active social life and now it is day after day of managing his cancer....meds, doctor appts.,insurance issues, etc. We have been doing this for 6 months and can't say it has gotten any easier, just adjusting to a new way of life. My husband's prognosis is not good and I need to be there for him. Hang in there.

John23

It isn't the cancer that
It isn't the cancer that ruins a marriage, it's the drugs, the painkillers
and the anti-depressants. These drugs change thinking and moods,
it can create anger, or degrade normal feelings and actions.

It amazes me that so many care givers ignore the situation,
instead of recognizing it as a drug problem and learning how
to deal with it.

As a cancer victim, I fear dying. It's a real fear, and well founded.
My wife is not dying. She may be suffering with me, but she
will be alive after I die, just as you care givers will be after your
spouse dies.

As a care giver, and one that is not facing the end of your life,
you do not know the fear of never seeing or hearing a thing
you've come to love (or hate) ever again; a total fear of losing
everything, all at once, memories included...forever.

That is what your dying spouse has on his or her mind, and
that fear is overwhelming. Your words, and comments regarding
how bad tolerating the situation is for you, is shallow to one that
is facing inevitable death. You will get over it, they will die;
you will face another tomorrow, they will never again.

Try making each and every moment count. Don't give advice,
give love and attention. Make that honeymoon happen again,
try to re-light the candle and live; It'll go further than any
medication available.


(my 2 centavos)

angelsbaby

John23 said:

It isn't the cancer that
It isn't the cancer that ruins a marriage, it's the drugs, the painkillers
and the anti-depressants. These drugs change thinking and moods,
it can create anger, or degrade normal feelings and actions.

It amazes me that so many care givers ignore the situation,
instead of recognizing it as a drug problem and learning how
to deal with it.

As a cancer victim, I fear dying. It's a real fear, and well founded.
My wife is not dying. She may be suffering with me, but she
will be alive after I die, just as you care givers will be after your
spouse dies.

As a care giver, and one that is not facing the end of your life,
you do not know the fear of never seeing or hearing a thing
you've come to love (or hate) ever again; a total fear of losing
everything, all at once, memories included...forever.

That is what your dying spouse has on his or her mind, and
that fear is overwhelming. Your words, and comments regarding
how bad tolerating the situation is for you, is shallow to one that
is facing inevitable death. You will get over it, they will die;
you will face another tomorrow, they will never again.

Try making each and every moment count. Don't give advice,
give love and attention. Make that honeymoon happen again,
try to re-light the candle and live; It'll go further than any
medication available.


(my 2 centavos)

John
Right on,,, My husband was very scared and now that i am alone and when problems come up i just think this isn't crap compared to what he went threw with the colon cancer and dying to. I miss him.

michelle n

SonSon

John23 said:

It isn't the cancer that
It isn't the cancer that ruins a marriage, it's the drugs, the painkillers
and the anti-depressants. These drugs change thinking and moods,
it can create anger, or degrade normal feelings and actions.

It amazes me that so many care givers ignore the situation,
instead of recognizing it as a drug problem and learning how
to deal with it.

As a cancer victim, I fear dying. It's a real fear, and well founded.
My wife is not dying. She may be suffering with me, but she
will be alive after I die, just as you care givers will be after your
spouse dies.

As a care giver, and one that is not facing the end of your life,
you do not know the fear of never seeing or hearing a thing
you've come to love (or hate) ever again; a total fear of losing
everything, all at once, memories included...forever.

That is what your dying spouse has on his or her mind, and
that fear is overwhelming. Your words, and comments regarding
how bad tolerating the situation is for you, is shallow to one that
is facing inevitable death. You will get over it, they will die;
you will face another tomorrow, they will never again.

Try making each and every moment count. Don't give advice,
give love and attention. Make that honeymoon happen again,
try to re-light the candle and live; It'll go further than any
medication available.


(my 2 centavos)

In Defense of Caregivers...
In defense of caregivers and the hell they go through - they will never just "get over it"... We will be scarred in our own way.
You have the trunk of the elephant while others may have the leg, the tail, the belly...
It is perspective and we all need to respect that every party suffers regardless of their perspective.
As for me and my mother-in-law I am trying to make her days lovely and find any excuse to make her smile - or, a real prize - laugh.
As for memories, sounds, sights that one may never see after they die...I personally believe that death is just a stop along the way...and that we will have opportunity to see all that we have known and also new things we have never known.
Not everybody can wrap their head around that idea - but that is what I have and would hope someone else would find it comforting as well.
Fatima

my two guinees