How do I watch (support) my wife die

xray101

Hi I may be in the wrong place this being a survivors network but here goes. We were dignoised with stage 4 breast ca the 16th of June 09 after a pet scan. She already had her breast removed a few weeks earler. She has mets to hyler lympth nodes,mutiple bones and lung. She is an alternative medicine provider and has a practice in our home. She has decided not to have any cemo other than femara.She does not want to kill her immune system. She is positive She can cure this with her alternatives. I belive in alternatives to a point but this time I think She has brought a garden hose to a forest fire. My question is what can I expect as we go along. Help

RE

Please ask her to reconsider!
I am a stage 4 bc survivor, 9 years out from the stage 4. I did have a recurrance in 07 (stage 2 on remaining breast) but I did 4 rounds of chemo and I am fine now. I personal know of two wonderful people (both stage 2) who went the alternative meds way and are now gone. I implore you to have her speak (if she has not yet done so) with several oncologists and survivors to get another point of view. THere is nothing wrong with chemo and her alternative methods working together. Yes your immune system does get a bit wacky, but if she is a stage 4 her immune system is already wacky. I had mets to my sentinel lymph node and to my chest wall, I did 18 rounds of chemo and 10 weeks of radiation. Total I have had 28 rounds of chemo and 16 weeks of radiation and trust me if need be I would do it again in a heart beat. I hope for the best for both of you!

RE

Kat11

RE said:

Please ask her to reconsider!
I am a stage 4 bc survivor, 9 years out from the stage 4. I did have a recurrance in 07 (stage 2 on remaining breast) but I did 4 rounds of chemo and I am fine now. I personal know of two wonderful people (both stage 2) who went the alternative meds way and are now gone. I implore you to have her speak (if she has not yet done so) with several oncologists and survivors to get another point of view. THere is nothing wrong with chemo and her alternative methods working together. Yes your immune system does get a bit wacky, but if she is a stage 4 her immune system is already wacky. I had mets to my sentinel lymph node and to my chest wall, I did 18 rounds of chemo and 10 weeks of radiation. Total I have had 28 rounds of chemo and 16 weeks of radiation and trust me if need be I would do it again in a heart beat. I hope for the best for both of you!

RE

I understand her thoughts.
I understand her thoughts. My mother would have agreed with her, but todays world the drugs are different then years past. As much I as did not want to do the treatment, I know that if I don't I will die sooner than I want to. I don't think this is going to be to easy for you, but you must try and change her mind. Maybe she can combine the two. Best of luck for both of you.

phoenixrising

The Femara may help and if
The Femara may help and if it doesn't there are others that might as well. It must be hard for you that she isn't taking full treatment. What she might not be aware of is that her immune system (white cells) will come back and they also can give her a shot with her chemo that will stimulate her immune so she is less likely to get sick. (from bugs anyways How do you tell someone who believes so strongly that it isn't likely to work?? Maybe she will be one of the 1% that does cure herself. I know it's hard to deal with. Sometimes people do cure themselves through supplements or wheat grass but in the alternative field what I find alot of is a generalization of the term cancer. This cures cancer is what I often hear. There are so many different types of cancer even within breast cancer that have so many different causes so it's not one diet, herb, supplement that fits all cancers.

How can she fight something that she doesn't know the cause? Perhaps her mother was exposed to estrogen while she was in the womb.....that would make her susceptible or at least some studies suggest. How do you cure that with alternative medicine.? How do you fix genetics.

But that's not your question and I apologize for rambling. My mother in law passed away 7 yrs after dx. In her last months I saw her every weekend. She was my best friend. She slowly deteriorated but what I remember most when she looked past me and had a glazed look in her eyes upon which I broke down because I knew. The pain increased and so did the morphine which kept her drugged and sleepy most of the time. She had some bright moments where she engaged in jokes and conversation but mostly she was on a morphine pump (at home). At some point they (husband and doc) decided not give replenish her fluids and she past away. Even while she was in an unconscious state I would hold her hand and could feel the love run back and forth betw us. It was the most beautiful (but sad) thing. I miss her dearly.

I wish you all the best and hope you can talk her into accepting more tx, after all there are stage 4 women here and who have been for a long time, how many stage 4 "survivors" does she know??

Hugs to you
jan

chenheart

Quandry
My heart is with both of you; for obviously different reasons. Bless your heart for coming here with your concerns. I cannot imagine the turmoil you are in right now.
Your wife no doubt feels it would be a "conflict of interest" to do other than what she believes in as far as alternative vs.conventional medicine is concerned. Perhaps she would feel hypocritical, and a "do as I say, not as I do" person if she were to go the conventional medicine route. And, I knew our sweet sister RE would post (as she did) because she saw first hand the results of alternative medicine as cancer treatment. The results were...not good. I hope you take her sage advice and work to change your wife's mind if at all possible. Her very life may indeed depend on it.

Many of us use BOTH types of treatment. We keep our oncologists informed of what we are doing, and supplement conventional treatment with alternative. Hopefully, this is a match made in heaven which can make the chemo more bearable and the quality of life appreciate.

As natural and holistic and effective many alternative meds are; cancer is so beyond the scope of what is any norm. There is nothing natural or normal about the proliferation of these death-dealing cells. Perhaps that is why it takes chemicals rather than herbs and things of nature to Kill The Beast.

I don't know what else to say. If she cannot or will not use the means which have been prolonging/saving the lives of untold hundreds of thousands of us, I know you can't make her. I don't know that you particularly support her death ( how do any of us do that?) But maybe you just support your wife's strength and resolve to do what is right for her, and just love her...

I hope you both find the peace you both need. Please come in as ofen as you like; we are a strong, intelligent, compassionate group of survivors and caregivers alike.

Hugs,
Claudia

Kylez

chenheart said:

Quandry
My heart is with both of you; for obviously different reasons. Bless your heart for coming here with your concerns. I cannot imagine the turmoil you are in right now.
Your wife no doubt feels it would be a "conflict of interest" to do other than what she believes in as far as alternative vs.conventional medicine is concerned. Perhaps she would feel hypocritical, and a "do as I say, not as I do" person if she were to go the conventional medicine route. And, I knew our sweet sister RE would post (as she did) because she saw first hand the results of alternative medicine as cancer treatment. The results were...not good. I hope you take her sage advice and work to change your wife's mind if at all possible. Her very life may indeed depend on it.

Many of us use BOTH types of treatment. We keep our oncologists informed of what we are doing, and supplement conventional treatment with alternative. Hopefully, this is a match made in heaven which can make the chemo more bearable and the quality of life appreciate.

As natural and holistic and effective many alternative meds are; cancer is so beyond the scope of what is any norm. There is nothing natural or normal about the proliferation of these death-dealing cells. Perhaps that is why it takes chemicals rather than herbs and things of nature to Kill The Beast.

I don't know what else to say. If she cannot or will not use the means which have been prolonging/saving the lives of untold hundreds of thousands of us, I know you can't make her. I don't know that you particularly support her death ( how do any of us do that?) But maybe you just support your wife's strength and resolve to do what is right for her, and just love her...

I hope you both find the peace you both need. Please come in as ofen as you like; we are a strong, intelligent, compassionate group of survivors and caregivers alike.

Hugs,
Claudia

I pray that you can convince
I pray that you can convince her to use conventional medicine, meaning chemo at least. She needs to use everything available to fight for her life. If she doesn't, she is really just giving up. Please convince her. Good luck!

xray101

Kylez said:

I pray that you can convince
I pray that you can convince her to use conventional medicine, meaning chemo at least. She needs to use everything available to fight for her life. If she doesn't, she is really just giving up. Please convince her. Good luck!

giving up
She isn't giving up she is fighting her way. She belives she is doing the right thing and that she is going to win. If she started using chemo and didn't belive in it it would not help her. I do belive the mind has to a lot to do with healing.

LilSister

It's the hardest thing I ever did
My sister passed away this past april 1st. Her first diagnosis was 8 years earlier. Her mets was to her brain. Terrible headaches, loss of balance. Then spread to her spine. Being confined to the bed is painful enough on your back even without cancer. But the pain in her lower back was awful. They say they will manage your pain, but they can't. Everytime they would have to move her she would scream in agony. She was a registered nurse, she new what was ahead of her once it went to her brain. I was at the hospital with her everyday the last 10 days. I will say, after watching what she went thru, if mine comes back and I have mets, I will try to find a way to end it sooner. I don't ever want to go thru that.