At my wits end! :(

grannyof11

MALT Non-Hodgkins stage IV Survivor. Diagnosed in early 2005, had 7 months of "CHOP" chemo treatments, that growth went into remission at end of the chemo, cancer came back 3 months later in back, had 12 radiation treatments, treatment was successful. Then went through over 2 yrs of rituxan treatments. Just had my "1st" 6 month check up, all still well. My problems are multi-fold. 1) side affects from vincristine drug caused poly nueropathy and have been since diagnosed diabetic, so now have double form of nueropathy problems. I can just sum this up by saying I feel worse now than I did before I had my treatments. Other then the pain in the stomach from the cancer and the throwing up, I otherwise felt fine. Compared to now, side affects from the drugs, bone spurs that have developed since diagnosis, arthritis and disk disease in back, carpal tunnel in both arms, planters fachitis (sp), to list just a few. and then 2) a husband that has been in denial since the onset of this medical condition. Trying to justify my feelings/conditions by blaming the drugs I currently take, which are maintenance drugs at this point. For diabetes, infusia port, and pain. Blames me for our debts, blames me for not being well after going through everything I've been through, blames me not being able to do things that I would have normally been able to do. I'm at my wits end !!!! The man did not and has not shown any compassion or concern from the beginning. And now all of sudden he's researching my drugs to try to explain what he thinks is the problem. But yet, when he has gone to the drs with me, he has sat in his chair with his legs stretched out in front of him, slumped in the seat with his hands folded in his lap, cap over his face as if he's going to take a nap. Did not pay attention to anything the drs. had to say and now 4 yrs later he's wanting to know why I'm not well and I am not able to do this or that!! Have been declared totally and permanent disabled due to cancer as it is incurable. Husband obviously doesn't know what "incurable" means as he recently told me "you act like you still have cancer".!!!! Well Duh!!!!! Anyone else out here having this same issue with their spouses? If so, how in the world do you cope with it and have you been successful in receiving help and where? Thanking you in advance for listening and any support someone can give. At my wits end here!

tiny one

spouses
I'm sorry that you've had to put up with a man that hasn't supported you through all of your illness. The body reacts to stress in different ways. Please go to counseling alone if it's possible for you. Maybe you need to get away for awhile, is this possible? Would life be better without him? We're all here to help give you support. There are resources out there for those who need it. Counseling, shelters, just trying to come up with some answers for you.

grannyof11

tiny one said:

spouses
I'm sorry that you've had to put up with a man that hasn't supported you through all of your illness. The body reacts to stress in different ways. Please go to counseling alone if it's possible for you. Maybe you need to get away for awhile, is this possible? Would life be better without him? We're all here to help give you support. There are resources out there for those who need it. Counseling, shelters, just trying to come up with some answers for you.

spouses
Thank you tiny for your kind thoughts. The suggestion of counseling has come up since I have discovered he is talking to "somebody"(don't know who) because that is also causing stress and strain on our marriage. Since he does not understand himself, there is no telling what he is telling others and getting advice on. So I did suggest that just recently so that "we" could go to a professional that was knowledgeable of my medical condition and could answer his questions with authority. Now the problem is...Is he going to go for 1 and is he going to sit like he has done at the drs visits, inattentive, slumped in his chair, etc etc. If that's the case he might as well not go, but then that defeats the reason for the counseling. I can't imagine what counseling would do for me if I was to go alone, when I would have to come back home to a husband that doesn't understand what I've been going through and continue to go through or obviously cares at this point. It's obvious now that I look back on the last 4 yrs he hasn't cared. Although after he researched my current meds, he did say "now I understand". I'm still trying to figure just exactly what he "thinks" he understands. lol Because my current meds don't have anything to do with the side affects from the chemo, the medical problems that have arisen since being diagnosed, the depression, stress, anxiety, fear, etc. Just at a loss here, but thank you Tiny.

tiny one

grannyof11 said:

spouses
Thank you tiny for your kind thoughts. The suggestion of counseling has come up since I have discovered he is talking to "somebody"(don't know who) because that is also causing stress and strain on our marriage. Since he does not understand himself, there is no telling what he is telling others and getting advice on. So I did suggest that just recently so that "we" could go to a professional that was knowledgeable of my medical condition and could answer his questions with authority. Now the problem is...Is he going to go for 1 and is he going to sit like he has done at the drs visits, inattentive, slumped in his chair, etc etc. If that's the case he might as well not go, but then that defeats the reason for the counseling. I can't imagine what counseling would do for me if I was to go alone, when I would have to come back home to a husband that doesn't understand what I've been going through and continue to go through or obviously cares at this point. It's obvious now that I look back on the last 4 yrs he hasn't cared. Although after he researched my current meds, he did say "now I understand". I'm still trying to figure just exactly what he "thinks" he understands. lol Because my current meds don't have anything to do with the side affects from the chemo, the medical problems that have arisen since being diagnosed, the depression, stress, anxiety, fear, etc. Just at a loss here, but thank you Tiny.

going alone
Go to counseling by yourself. You are worth it. The only person you need to please is yourself. You will become stronger. Life is to short to live with someone who just doesn't give what you need. Find a support group or a close friend to help you through this. Just focus on your needs and wants. Sending you hugs. Never give up!

sue Siwek

tiny one said:

going alone
Go to counseling by yourself. You are worth it. The only person you need to please is yourself. You will become stronger. Life is to short to live with someone who just doesn't give what you need. Find a support group or a close friend to help you through this. Just focus on your needs and wants. Sending you hugs. Never give up!

i agree. go for yourself.
i agree. go for yourself. do not worry about your husband just get help for yourself you will be better for it. this illness is about you and if he can not relate to that just help yourself.

SonSon

You need to take care of you
There is no excuse for anyone being so insensitive, uncaring and, frankly, emotionally abusive as the person you are describing.
But the person you are describing seems like someone in total denial of your situation and very selfish in wanting what he wants and not recognizing that you cannot give him what he wants (you are sick!).
I had an experience when I returned from a funeral in California for a dear dear friend and I was just so distraught and exhausted when I got back. My husband grew impatient with me and just wanted me to cater to him. When I discussed this with a counselor that dealt with grief issues she told me that it is hard for those around a grieving person to see the person that way and that they just want their "old wife" back.
You are not grieving (well, maybe you are in some way) - you are sick. Your husband wants his "old wife" back. But, reality bites, she is gone because of cancer and he is too thick to catch up.
You, however, need to move forward and take care of yourself. Ignore him and his stupidity and just take care of yourself. Whatever it is you feel you need to do to secure physical, mental and emotional well-being I support you 110%.
Fatima

grannyof11

SonSon said:

You need to take care of you
There is no excuse for anyone being so insensitive, uncaring and, frankly, emotionally abusive as the person you are describing.
But the person you are describing seems like someone in total denial of your situation and very selfish in wanting what he wants and not recognizing that you cannot give him what he wants (you are sick!).
I had an experience when I returned from a funeral in California for a dear dear friend and I was just so distraught and exhausted when I got back. My husband grew impatient with me and just wanted me to cater to him. When I discussed this with a counselor that dealt with grief issues she told me that it is hard for those around a grieving person to see the person that way and that they just want their "old wife" back.
You are not grieving (well, maybe you are in some way) - you are sick. Your husband wants his "old wife" back. But, reality bites, she is gone because of cancer and he is too thick to catch up.
You, however, need to move forward and take care of yourself. Ignore him and his stupidity and just take care of yourself. Whatever it is you feel you need to do to secure physical, mental and emotional well-being I support you 110%.
Fatima

Wow! Thanks Fatima. Reading
Wow! Thanks Fatima. Reading that was I think better then going to counseling. Thank you very much! I've been told since posting my original message the same things you outlined in your response and have since taken that advice and ran with it. It's still difficult, but has gotten better in my opinion. Mainly because I tune him out and when that doesn't accomplish my goal, then I respond instead of holding my tongue and keeping it in. I find that standing up for yourself instead of letting those speaking against you think they are right when you don't respond at all, for 1 makes you feel better about yourself and 2 lets that person know that you're not going to take the verbal and mental abuse anymore. I lived in a physically abusive situation in a previous marriage and I'll Be D*mn if I'll live the rest of my life out in a mental and verbal abusive one now! Nobody should live in any situation being sick when verbal, mental, physical or any other type of abuse is going on!!!! There's absolutely no reason whatsoever. As we all know life is too short and living in conditions like that are demoralizing and I feel shortens your life because of the stress that comes with those experiences. So I thank you and all the others that responded to my message. Have a blessed life.