Newbie - family issues

jenyj89

I was diagnosed with IDC stage II breast cancer in my right breast in March 09, ending up with a complete mastectomy and 3 or 4 cancerous lymph nodes being removed. This all occurred around my 48th birthday and the diagnosis was just before I was scheduled to attend a symposium for work, a week out of town, teaching 2 classes, that had been planned months ahead of time. I mentioned this to my Dr and he said that was fine, I could start my tests when I got back from my trip.

My husband, who is devoted to me, was fine with this, as was my 19 year old son. But when I called my mother to tell her about my diagnosis and plans, she starts going off about how I should go to a bigger city (I live in a smaller suburban town) for a second opinion, I should cancel my trip and start my test immediately, I should get a better Dr from a larger city, shouldn't I find an Oncologist to have in on all my visits from now on and so on. I told her that if my Dr felt I shouldn't put my tests off I thought he would have told me and I also felt that I should honor my commitment at work to follow through with this trip and then deal with the cancer, one week wouldn't really make a difference. But she really made me feel so guilty about my decision. Off I go and what happens, I get a phone call from my mother while I'm sitting in the airport...she starts out by telling me "Obviously you've decided to put your job in front of your health and your famiy." I was so upset and freaked out. We get in this big discussion, where she gives me more unsolicited advice, makes me feel more guilty and I end up crying before I leave for my trip.

When I get home I am a total wreck...having spent the week worrying about my up-coming tests, missing my family, trying to figure what to do about my mother and I take meds for panic/generalized anxiety disorder/depression anyways. A day after I get home my mother calls again and starts in and it was just like something inside me snapped and I let loose on her. I told her that all my life I did what she asked me to and told me to...I went to school to get a good job to support myself and make a decent living because that's what she told me to do, at one point in my life I even defined who I was by my job, I make good money, I have a good job, I have a job where I make commitments sometimes months ahead of time and can't just say "I can't go" a day before the trip, I have to follow through on my job committments, I don't have a job like she had where she was a secretary. She always wanted me to have better than her and now I do and I told her she can't have her bread buttered on both sides!! Sometimes I can't just get up and walk away from my job at a moments notice, I have to finish something before I take off and that's the way it works when I have the type of job I have (Hazardous Material and Waste Manager for an Air Force Base). I told her I didn't need her guilt, what I needed was her support and love. I was 48 years old and old enough to make my own decisions and I wished she would support and love me during this difficult time; and if she couldn't then she really didn't need to call me anymore because I just didn't care. She was telling me that wasn't true and I told her it was true, I really didn't care and I was half-hysterical, until my husband took the phone and told her that right now I need support and love, not guilt trips and if she couldn't support me then maybe she didn't need to call me for awhile, and he hung up.

After awhile she started to call back and slowly things seemed to get a little more normal. She never came to visit me (her only daughter) when I had my mastectomy, or any of my chemo so far. She went out to Oregon to visit my 3 brothers for 3 weeks. Then called me 2 weeks ago she calls to tell me "Now that things have settled down and her schedule isn't so busy, would it be okay if she and my stepdad come down to visit for a weekend?" I ignored the inference of "fitting me in her schedule" and said sure.....then she calls Sunday to ask if she can come THIS weekend because it will be the best one for them...what can I say?....sure, come on. I have chemo on Thursday, my husband is working a benefit for his motorcycle club all day Saturday...but sure, come on!

I don't really know how I feel about her coming. I feel very hurt by the way she's treated me and feel like she's tried to make to do what SHE thought I should do, not let me make my own care decisions. I resent that! My hurt is still very much under the surface and I feel like I'm going to have a hard time not letting it come out. Part of me almost wishes she wasn't coming but then part of me is glad to see her too.

Has anyone else experienced problems with family members when they found out they had breast cancer? How did you deal with it? People keep telling me she's only acting this way because she loves me and I should just understand, but I just can't see it because it feels so hurtful to me. Can anyone offer me advice?
Jeny

ohilly

my mother
I sympathize with you: I think, however, that the problems with your mother pre-date the cancer and that her behavior is either worse now because of the stress of finding out her daughter has cancer, or you are less able to tolerate her behavior because of everything going on in your life, especially having recently been diagnosed with bc.

I don't know if sharing my story with you will help, but I also had many problems with my mother my entire life and also during the bc. My mother was a very cold person, to the point that when I had my mastectomy, she barely came to the hospital to visit me and she never wanted to accompany me to the doctor, etc. (this despite the fact that the hospital was close to where she lived, someone would have given her a ride, and she didn't work). In the midst of my cancer, my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer and died in 3 months. I wish I could say that we became closer at the end, but I can't: not only did my mother die a horrible death, but my sisters turned against me and told me they felt I was not doing enough to help my mother when she was sick, which made no sense because I was visiting her every night in the hospital while I, myself, was in the middle of chemo. You'd think my sisters would have some sympathy for the fact that I was undergoing chemo, but no. Since my mother died, one of my sisters and I barely talk. Recently I reached out to this sister and told her we should let bygones be bygones, and got a nasty email back from her.

I don't know your mother, but probably she is emotionally limited like my mother was. My advice: try to realize (as hard as this is) that your mother will not be able to support you because of HER own emotional limitations (even though you deserve this support) and reach out to other people who can support you in your time of crisis.

Best of luck, and write me again anytime.

Ohilly

zahalene

I think...
Ohilly makes a very valid point. Your mother probably can't give you what you need because it simply isn't in her to give. She seems to be controlling and self-centered to the extreme (judging from your post).
I had similar non-support issues with my (now ex) husband during my cancer treatment. However, there were others in my life who 'stood in the gap' and helped me hold things together while going through chemo and rads and raising two small children and all the rest of it.
Sometimes we have to shift our focus and alter our expectations and find what we need in places we may never have expected. And, surprisingly enough, 'Plan B' often turns out to be just the ticket.
And in regard to her visit this weekend, I would go ahead with my plans and let her fit herself into MY schedule as best she can. She might get the hint and be a bit more thoughtful next time (or maybe not), but at any rate enabling her selfishness does neither of you any good.
God bless.

tgf

zahalene said:

I think...
Ohilly makes a very valid point. Your mother probably can't give you what you need because it simply isn't in her to give. She seems to be controlling and self-centered to the extreme (judging from your post).
I had similar non-support issues with my (now ex) husband during my cancer treatment. However, there were others in my life who 'stood in the gap' and helped me hold things together while going through chemo and rads and raising two small children and all the rest of it.
Sometimes we have to shift our focus and alter our expectations and find what we need in places we may never have expected. And, surprisingly enough, 'Plan B' often turns out to be just the ticket.
And in regard to her visit this weekend, I would go ahead with my plans and let her fit herself into MY schedule as best she can. She might get the hint and be a bit more thoughtful next time (or maybe not), but at any rate enabling her selfishness does neither of you any good.
God bless.

I agree
I agree that you mother may not be able to show she cares because she just doesn't know how. Her life has always been about her and her needs. She doesn't know how to "give" to others who really need support.

My advice (for what it's worth) ... is to be as nice (tolerant) to your mother as possible ... and also be as honest with her as you can be. Sometimes it is a good thing to tell people how much you love them ... but you don't love the way they are treating you. I'm a firm believer in honesty ... but you'll need to use your own judgement on how honest you need to be ... or if it's just easier to not say anything.

Whatever you do ... remember that at this point ... you need to take care of yourself. If you hurt other peoples feelings... so be it. You need to take care of your physical, emotional and psychological needs now and don't let anyone get in your way. If things get too tense with your mother ... too much of her unwanted advice etc. ... just tell her you are very tired and you need to go to your room and take a nap. And go... closing the door behind you. This is a time for you to be selfish ... and think of your needs ... and try to surround yourself with positive people and thoughts ... and if your mother can't agree to the rules ... just take a LOT of "naps" over the weekend.

And ... I don't know where your computer is ... but if it's in your bedroom ... and you need to get away from your mother for one of your "naps" ... please ... don't forget that we are all here ... so feel free to vent and "unload" on us. We are all here for you!

Take care of yourself.

hugs.
teena

Kat11

tgf said:

I agree
I agree that you mother may not be able to show she cares because she just doesn't know how. Her life has always been about her and her needs. She doesn't know how to "give" to others who really need support.

My advice (for what it's worth) ... is to be as nice (tolerant) to your mother as possible ... and also be as honest with her as you can be. Sometimes it is a good thing to tell people how much you love them ... but you don't love the way they are treating you. I'm a firm believer in honesty ... but you'll need to use your own judgement on how honest you need to be ... or if it's just easier to not say anything.

Whatever you do ... remember that at this point ... you need to take care of yourself. If you hurt other peoples feelings... so be it. You need to take care of your physical, emotional and psychological needs now and don't let anyone get in your way. If things get too tense with your mother ... too much of her unwanted advice etc. ... just tell her you are very tired and you need to go to your room and take a nap. And go... closing the door behind you. This is a time for you to be selfish ... and think of your needs ... and try to surround yourself with positive people and thoughts ... and if your mother can't agree to the rules ... just take a LOT of "naps" over the weekend.

And ... I don't know where your computer is ... but if it's in your bedroom ... and you need to get away from your mother for one of your "naps" ... please ... don't forget that we are all here ... so feel free to vent and "unload" on us. We are all here for you!

Take care of yourself.

hugs.
teena

My mother lost her Husband (
My mother lost her Husband ( my father ) and her own life to Cancer. As much as I wish she was here for me, I am glad she is not here to see me go through this. Cherish your moments.

MAJW

Mother's guilt....
Jenyj,

I am so terribly sorry that you have to deal with this along with bc......BUT.....my advice and like others have said, for what it's worth is......toxic people are just that..toxic, be they a mother, sibling, friend, etc....and that is NOT what you need right now...you need to surround yourself with loving, supportive people......my own battle with bc has been a REAL EYE OPENER........I have TRULY found out who my REAL family and friends are......it's been hard in some respects and every so disappointing.....I've had a "friend" of 20+ years who has called me exactly 3 times.....another "friend" told me......"I'm not good at this sort of thing, so because I don't call doesn't mean I don't care." That about sent me over the edge and I told her, "that's fine, no problem, but THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU!" End of story....I made a decision, totally supported by my husband and family that I am not dealing with toxic people....I am being totally selfish, which I have NEVER EVER been in my entire life.....For the first time in my life I am putting myself FIRST and FOREMOST! If others don't like, tough! I have no siblings and my parents died when I was young but I have a fantastic husband, extended family, two grown kids and 4 young grandkids ....I am 58.
I know that dealing with your mother is very different than dealing with a "friend" but even though she is your mother, she needs to respect your decisions and if she can't TOUGH! It's your life.......God bless your husband for taking charge! You'll either be able to "mend" the relationship with her or you won't......either way, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF......be selfish, also, probably for the first time in your life.......

I wish you well

Akiss4me

Jeny...
So sorry you are having to deal with an added emotional burden. Your body does not need any more stress (this is very toxic to your healing).
Sometimes we have to own up to taking charge of our own well being no matter who it effects. This illness effects all who are around us but it is US that it effects first and foremost. It is US that needs to be thought of first, all others are second in line.
I have my Husband and Son that live at home and take care of me (and they are wonderful) and my daughter only lives 3 miles away. My mother and sisters all live 6 hours away, but not one of them have come to visit me.
They only get news when I call them (they do not call me) and although I only speak to my Mother and oldest sister (I figure they can pass the news on to the rest.) I have felt like they have put the burden on me to keep them informed and have decided that if they are truely interrested and want to know, then THEY need to start calling me.
However, my mother has taken everything I have told her and "checked it out" on the internet. I know she is only trying to make sure I am getting the proper treatment and this is her way of helping, but she gets a lot of misinformation and it causes tension between us when I try to correct her, because she is sure she is right. I just take a deep sigh and let it go. It would require too much from me to try to explain, so I don't.
I think alot of us deal with family issues because it really does effect the whole family. But I also believe that we need to set boundries no matter who's feelings they may hurt. If they can not be understanding, then that is an issue they need to come to terms with, not one that we should make comfortable or convienent for them.
Hope everthing works out for you. We are always here, so if you need us during their stay, or anytime, you know where to go !! Pammy

Kristin N

Akiss4me said:

Jeny...
So sorry you are having to deal with an added emotional burden. Your body does not need any more stress (this is very toxic to your healing).
Sometimes we have to own up to taking charge of our own well being no matter who it effects. This illness effects all who are around us but it is US that it effects first and foremost. It is US that needs to be thought of first, all others are second in line.
I have my Husband and Son that live at home and take care of me (and they are wonderful) and my daughter only lives 3 miles away. My mother and sisters all live 6 hours away, but not one of them have come to visit me.
They only get news when I call them (they do not call me) and although I only speak to my Mother and oldest sister (I figure they can pass the news on to the rest.) I have felt like they have put the burden on me to keep them informed and have decided that if they are truely interrested and want to know, then THEY need to start calling me.
However, my mother has taken everything I have told her and "checked it out" on the internet. I know she is only trying to make sure I am getting the proper treatment and this is her way of helping, but she gets a lot of misinformation and it causes tension between us when I try to correct her, because she is sure she is right. I just take a deep sigh and let it go. It would require too much from me to try to explain, so I don't.
I think alot of us deal with family issues because it really does effect the whole family. But I also believe that we need to set boundries no matter who's feelings they may hurt. If they can not be understanding, then that is an issue they need to come to terms with, not one that we should make comfortable or convienent for them.
Hope everthing works out for you. We are always here, so if you need us during their stay, or anytime, you know where to go !! Pammy

Jeny, I am so sorry about
Jeny, I am so sorry about your family problems. I want to welcome you and to wish you the best!

Hugs, Kristin

prv

Kristin N said:

Jeny, I am so sorry about
Jeny, I am so sorry about your family problems. I want to welcome you and to wish you the best!

Hugs, Kristin

So sorry you are having
So sorry you are having trouble with your family! I have only told one brother about my bc (i have two) He took care of my daughter during my surgry. I have not even told my mother yet - we have a long history of dysfunctional stuff. She is old about 80 and i just didn't know what good it would be for her to have this information (that i have bc). She lives about a half hour away but we really speak or see each other. This is a time to have genuine caring people in your life. The only toxic people in my life now are those at work, which is a necessity for me. I hope things get better between you and your mom. Try not to stress out about it. Maybe your husband can help deal with her.

piseminger

MAJW said:

Mother's guilt....
Jenyj,

I am so terribly sorry that you have to deal with this along with bc......BUT.....my advice and like others have said, for what it's worth is......toxic people are just that..toxic, be they a mother, sibling, friend, etc....and that is NOT what you need right now...you need to surround yourself with loving, supportive people......my own battle with bc has been a REAL EYE OPENER........I have TRULY found out who my REAL family and friends are......it's been hard in some respects and every so disappointing.....I've had a "friend" of 20+ years who has called me exactly 3 times.....another "friend" told me......"I'm not good at this sort of thing, so because I don't call doesn't mean I don't care." That about sent me over the edge and I told her, "that's fine, no problem, but THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU!" End of story....I made a decision, totally supported by my husband and family that I am not dealing with toxic people....I am being totally selfish, which I have NEVER EVER been in my entire life.....For the first time in my life I am putting myself FIRST and FOREMOST! If others don't like, tough! I have no siblings and my parents died when I was young but I have a fantastic husband, extended family, two grown kids and 4 young grandkids ....I am 58.
I know that dealing with your mother is very different than dealing with a "friend" but even though she is your mother, she needs to respect your decisions and if she can't TOUGH! It's your life.......God bless your husband for taking charge! You'll either be able to "mend" the relationship with her or you won't......either way, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF......be selfish, also, probably for the first time in your life.......

I wish you well

Friend?
I had a friend or someone I thought was a friend tell me (with tears) that she could bear to see me like this. I don't know what she expected me to look like but your right your true friend come out during a time like this. I do however have a very supportive family, and church friends that have been there for me through all of this.
I agree that you need to surround yourself with those people that will encourage, uplift and pray for us.

jk1952

prv said:

So sorry you are having
So sorry you are having trouble with your family! I have only told one brother about my bc (i have two) He took care of my daughter during my surgry. I have not even told my mother yet - we have a long history of dysfunctional stuff. She is old about 80 and i just didn't know what good it would be for her to have this information (that i have bc). She lives about a half hour away but we really speak or see each other. This is a time to have genuine caring people in your life. The only toxic people in my life now are those at work, which is a necessity for me. I hope things get better between you and your mom. Try not to stress out about it. Maybe your husband can help deal with her.

Jeny, I don't have any words

Jeny, I don't have any words of wisdom. I just wanted to express my sympathies that you have to go through this with your mother when you're going through tests and treatments. I have often thought that I was glad that my mother died before I was originally diagnosed in 2000. I know that it would have much more difficult if she had been alive, because she would have been a 'basket case'.

I was always the compliant child, and I know that every once in a while things build up until I would just explode. It happens to all of us, even though we feel terrible afterwards. Sometimes it's the only thing that will clear the air and help us move forward.

Joyce

outdoorgirl

It seems like
sometimes people think if you're not going to some big well-known clinic with well known doctors,then you're not getting the best care. So untrue!
I think this is loved ones ways of trying to help.
My sister is a flight nurse and because she loves me,she had her own ideas of some of my treatment and who I should go see. I think people who are in the health field can be the worst at that sometimes...
My inlaws came to stay after I had my mastectomy for a week-it was nice because I could take it easy and I didn't have to entertain or cook any meals(they came to take care of us while I was recovering.) I think if people come to visit for that reason it's fine-but if they want to be taken care of during a time when you are not going to be feeling up to it-that's a whole nother story!