I feel like I'm drowning. Just need to purge.
I'm trying to get things done for him because he was supposed to have an MRI done about a month and a half ago... so we're still working on that...
I'm currently in the process of finding a new apartment to move...
I'm also woking with an attorney while we wait on my SSI court date..
I'm trying to get my records switched over to the Cancer Care Alliance in my area...
Just the other day I had my son evaluated for a play therapist. Only because he's picking up on everything with me. Now he's waking up once every 1-3 hours per night ... the past four nights I've been on the phone with a friend... crying and he got up... came into my bedroom... and gave me a hug and a kiss and went back to bed - at 3 am! .... it made me feel so bad for him to come in there .... that's what he does everytime he's near someone that's crying... he walks up to you and gives you a hug... I feel like I shouldn't have even been in the house... I hate for him to see me like this. But it's like that 24/7 The flashbacks have been so constant since November that I dont think I even remember how it felt to only have 7 or 8 per day. A couple days ago I actually kept a tally of how many panic attacks I had in a 7 hour period for my counselor ... and I had 12.
I just feel like every way of coping I ever though I knew ... is completely being challenged... I have to make it thrugh this... because my son needs me but I just don't know how to cope.
The thing in the back of my head alongside all of this... is that I heard somewhere from someone... that stress is not helpful especailly for cancer survivors.
I apologize if this post does not belong on this forum...
I just really needed one place to purge a little.
Thank you
Sally
Comments
-
Sally,
your post absolutely IS in the right place. I hope you will continue to come here whenever you feel the need to vent.
Are you taking depression/anxiety meds? Talk to your counselor and your medical team about that. Or if you are on something that does not seem to be helping, ask about having the meds changed.
It seems that you are doing what you reasonably can to help yourself through this crisis. You might see about putting your son into a part-time day care or some other situation outside of your home for short periods several times a week so that he can have some time away from the stressful environment at home and so you can have some time to 're-group'. Caring for a 2-year-old 24/7 can be a challenge in the best of situations.
Also, if possible, provide a sleeping area for him where he will not be disturbed by you during the night or perhaps move yourself to a more distant area when you are awake. You do not want him to develop a habit of waking often during the night.
While it is true that stress is an added angst during the cancer battle, it is almost a universal side-effect of the disease even when everything else in one's life is more or less on an even keel. Which is rarely the case. That is another good reason to explore the meds question at greater length with your counselor and medical people.
God bless. Do keep us informed.0 -
You are very welcome here!
Sally,
I join Zahelene in welcoming you to this board. Many of us have been near the brink of emotional devastation due to cancer and its "collateral damage". I endured job loss and subsequent discrimination and the end of my marriage following my diagnosis and treatment in 1980. It took me nearly a decade to rebuild my life, with the help of good family and friends. You will "meet" people on this board whom, I hope, you will regard as friends when you get to know us.
For now, I have some resources to share with you. There are a number of sites listing financial options for cancer patients which can be accessed via:
http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/factsheet/Support/financial-resources http://usgovinfo.about.com/library/weekly/aa061800a.htm
http://www.cancer.org/docroot/MIT/content/MIT_3_2X_Medical_Insurance_and_Financial_Assistance_for_the_Cancer_Patient.asp
http://www.cancerlinksusa.com/financial_aid.htm
http://www.aacr.org/home/survivors--advocates/information-about-support-groups,-clinical-trials,-financial-help-and-fundraising/how-to-find-financial-aid-and-advice.aspx
I, for one, have joined the President's effort to insure that people like you can access affordable health-care for you and your children without having to hire lawyers. In fact, I urge you to share your compelling story with the President via: http://www.healthreform.gov/communityreports/comments.html. From my own experience, I know that "we" can make a difference in making life better for all.
Sally, please accept my thoughts and prayers for you and your family.
Love and Courage!
Rick0 -
zahalene,zahalene said:Sally,
your post absolutely IS in the right place. I hope you will continue to come here whenever you feel the need to vent.
Are you taking depression/anxiety meds? Talk to your counselor and your medical team about that. Or if you are on something that does not seem to be helping, ask about having the meds changed.
It seems that you are doing what you reasonably can to help yourself through this crisis. You might see about putting your son into a part-time day care or some other situation outside of your home for short periods several times a week so that he can have some time away from the stressful environment at home and so you can have some time to 're-group'. Caring for a 2-year-old 24/7 can be a challenge in the best of situations.
Also, if possible, provide a sleeping area for him where he will not be disturbed by you during the night or perhaps move yourself to a more distant area when you are awake. You do not want him to develop a habit of waking often during the night.
While it is true that stress is an added angst during the cancer battle, it is almost a universal side-effect of the disease even when everything else in one's life is more or less on an even keel. Which is rarely the case. That is another good reason to explore the meds question at greater length with your counselor and medical people.
God bless. Do keep us informed.
No, I'm not actually. Anxiety meds have always kicked up my anxiety because they make me drowsy... so I instinctively fight it and wind up more agitated, panicky and more easily spooked. The anti depressants my docs do not want to put me on until they make sure my thyroid hormones are at a correct level.
Right now my son does go to daycare 3 days per week because most of my appointments do not allow me to bring him with me... and there's nobody able to watch him on a weekly basis. It was also requested due to his developmental delays for him to be able to interact with chilldren his age to see where they are at and as motive for him to continue working harder and harder in therapy. That does make a huge difference. He sleeps in his room in a toddler bed... and I usually just 'keep busy' doing pointless 'cleaning projects' to keep my mind off of things at night. usually by 4 am I'm going to bed and I'm up again at 5:15 - 5:30 am for the next day. The problem is he's such a light sleeper... I've now changed things around to if I'm going to be on the phone I will go on the front porch late at night. I liked the privacy of my room so my neighbors could not see me crying as I am not a strong beliver in it... however I think I'd rather them see me cry than him be worried constantly about why I'm crying.
God Bless You
Sally0 -
terato,terato said:You are very welcome here!
Sally,
I join Zahelene in welcoming you to this board. Many of us have been near the brink of emotional devastation due to cancer and its "collateral damage". I endured job loss and subsequent discrimination and the end of my marriage following my diagnosis and treatment in 1980. It took me nearly a decade to rebuild my life, with the help of good family and friends. You will "meet" people on this board whom, I hope, you will regard as friends when you get to know us.
For now, I have some resources to share with you. There are a number of sites listing financial options for cancer patients which can be accessed via:
http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/factsheet/Support/financial-resources http://usgovinfo.about.com/library/weekly/aa061800a.htm
http://www.cancer.org/docroot/MIT/content/MIT_3_2X_Medical_Insurance_and_Financial_Assistance_for_the_Cancer_Patient.asp
http://www.cancerlinksusa.com/financial_aid.htm
http://www.aacr.org/home/survivors--advocates/information-about-support-groups,-clinical-trials,-financial-help-and-fundraising/how-to-find-financial-aid-and-advice.aspx
I, for one, have joined the President's effort to insure that people like you can access affordable health-care for you and your children without having to hire lawyers. In fact, I urge you to share your compelling story with the President via: http://www.healthreform.gov/communityreports/comments.html. From my own experience, I know that "we" can make a difference in making life better for all.
Sally, please accept my thoughts and prayers for you and your family.
Love and Courage!
Rick
Thank You Rick.
I did leave a note on the health reform site.
You know the hardest thing I htink right now for me is... finding a balance. A way to balance equally the amount of time I worry about each issue I'm facing and a way to balance when and how I will face these issues.
Balancing the move
Balancing my son's care
Balancing my treatment
Balancing my SSI ordeal
Balancing My counseling and mental health care
even balancing my 'upset time' vs. my 'mommy is perfectly fine' time with my son.
Lately I'm forcing myself to eat one meal a day... mainly because I'm so overwhelmed with everything... I feel like "who's has time to eat??" lol
Meanwhile in the bigger picture I'm not getting much done anyway because as a result of not taking better care of myself... I'm constantly dizzy, lighteaded, sick to my stomache and having stress migraines.
It feels as if a tornado has landed directly on top of me and I'm tied to the ground sitting directly in the heart of everything. lol just watching everyone and everything racing and racing around me faster and faster... making me feel 5 times worse with every second that passes by.
God Bless You
Sally0 -
Thank you, Sally!Sally08 said:terato,
Thank You Rick.
I did leave a note on the health reform site.
You know the hardest thing I htink right now for me is... finding a balance. A way to balance equally the amount of time I worry about each issue I'm facing and a way to balance when and how I will face these issues.
Balancing the move
Balancing my son's care
Balancing my treatment
Balancing my SSI ordeal
Balancing My counseling and mental health care
even balancing my 'upset time' vs. my 'mommy is perfectly fine' time with my son.
Lately I'm forcing myself to eat one meal a day... mainly because I'm so overwhelmed with everything... I feel like "who's has time to eat??" lol
Meanwhile in the bigger picture I'm not getting much done anyway because as a result of not taking better care of myself... I'm constantly dizzy, lighteaded, sick to my stomache and having stress migraines.
It feels as if a tornado has landed directly on top of me and I'm tied to the ground sitting directly in the heart of everything. lol just watching everyone and everything racing and racing around me faster and faster... making me feel 5 times worse with every second that passes by.
God Bless You
Sally
I fully appreciate the demands on your physical, mental, and emotional resources. You are to be fully admired for what you are enduring. I truly believe that all that is good and sane in this world can be summed up in the word "Mom".
I am no stranger to those headaches and stomachaches. I developed a case of duodonitis and was treated with Prilosec, which seemed to work, until my throat began to bother me and an endoscopy revealed I had level B esophogeal erosion, currently managed with Nexium. My doctor was treating my migraines with Imitrex, which proved to be way too expensive, even with my prescription plan. I switched to Walmart's naproxen sodium, which seems to work just as well for me.
Thank you for sharing your story on the President's Health Reform site. By doing so, you add your personal testimony to the dire need for justice in how we fund our access to life-preserving health-care. You may be the one essential voice making the difference for all.
Love and Courage!
Rick0 -
My son had his threeterato said:Thank you, Sally!
I fully appreciate the demands on your physical, mental, and emotional resources. You are to be fully admired for what you are enduring. I truly believe that all that is good and sane in this world can be summed up in the word "Mom".
I am no stranger to those headaches and stomachaches. I developed a case of duodonitis and was treated with Prilosec, which seemed to work, until my throat began to bother me and an endoscopy revealed I had level B esophogeal erosion, currently managed with Nexium. My doctor was treating my migraines with Imitrex, which proved to be way too expensive, even with my prescription plan. I switched to Walmart's naproxen sodium, which seems to work just as well for me.
Thank you for sharing your story on the President's Health Reform site. By doing so, you add your personal testimony to the dire need for justice in how we fund our access to life-preserving health-care. You may be the one essential voice making the difference for all.
Love and Courage!
Rick
My son had his three appointments yesterday. and today he went to childcare... while I went to get bloodwork done and later went to a support group which is somewhat mandated I at least check in with the group leader. It's not a cancer support group... and they tend to get frustrated when the subject gets changed off of the topic the group is supposed to be on... as anyone typically would I can imagine.
Today however, we had a guest speaker talking about topics I know waaay more about than I care to admit. Each topic ... one that I'm unable to even consider dealing with right now... as my biggest fear in my head 24/7 ..... concerns my mortality.
I told the leader I was going to the bathroom as I heard the guest speaker say "That's okay, we'll wait to move forward until she comes back"
I went to the waiting room to wait until my ride home showed up.
The leader then came out to the waiting room to ask me to join the group again... but I told her no, I couldn't handle anything else right now... that I was barely handling what I had on my plate at the moment... she told me to call her later if I wanted to talk about what's going on...
here's my confusion...
I want to talk to her about these things so she can better understand ... but lately... unless I'm typing something in the safety and security of my own house... I don't feel as if I can trust those around me enough to talk to them openly and honestly... and when that happens it's as if the things I need to say get shoved out of the way and I can't even access my own thoughts. I need to be able to have someone to just listen --- that i trust --- and to me that seems to be the most frustrating thing alongside lifes hassles.
Sally0 -
There are people who will listen and be willing to help.Sally08 said:My son had his three
My son had his three appointments yesterday. and today he went to childcare... while I went to get bloodwork done and later went to a support group which is somewhat mandated I at least check in with the group leader. It's not a cancer support group... and they tend to get frustrated when the subject gets changed off of the topic the group is supposed to be on... as anyone typically would I can imagine.
Today however, we had a guest speaker talking about topics I know waaay more about than I care to admit. Each topic ... one that I'm unable to even consider dealing with right now... as my biggest fear in my head 24/7 ..... concerns my mortality.
I told the leader I was going to the bathroom as I heard the guest speaker say "That's okay, we'll wait to move forward until she comes back"
I went to the waiting room to wait until my ride home showed up.
The leader then came out to the waiting room to ask me to join the group again... but I told her no, I couldn't handle anything else right now... that I was barely handling what I had on my plate at the moment... she told me to call her later if I wanted to talk about what's going on...
here's my confusion...
I want to talk to her about these things so she can better understand ... but lately... unless I'm typing something in the safety and security of my own house... I don't feel as if I can trust those around me enough to talk to them openly and honestly... and when that happens it's as if the things I need to say get shoved out of the way and I can't even access my own thoughts. I need to be able to have someone to just listen --- that i trust --- and to me that seems to be the most frustrating thing alongside lifes hassles.
Sally
Sally,
There are support groups dealing specifically with anxiety disorders meeting in church basements, public libraries, and community mental health centers, some with professional facilitators, most are free or "ability-to-pay" basis. Lutheran Social Services, Catholic Charities, and Jewish Welfare League offer various support groups without regard to participant's religious affiliation; I attended a support group offered by Lutheran Social Services and I am Catholic! These groups operate under a code of strict confidentiality so you don't have to worry about anything you say going outside the group. These organizations also offer individual counseling options, if you are uncomfortable in group settings.
Here is a site with a video to get you started: http://familydoctor.org/online/famdocen/home/common/mentalhealth/anxiety/013.html.
Please keep posting on this site also!
Love and Courage!
Rick0 -
being here
Hi Sally I'm glad you came here. It's so hard to deal and live with things from our past. It was and still is hard now even though I'm cancer free. Some days I fight to stay here. It's a pretty scary thing knowing that I'm in control of being here. Suicidal thoughts hit me big time after I had my reversal and was in pain. I got help. Stress isn't helpful but it's hard not to be stressed when we don't feel like our old self. It's evident that you're son cares about you, you have taught him that. You're efforts are not in vain, sometimes we find out later what a difference we've made in someones life. Many people mask their pain with drugs, sex, alcohol, food. It's hard to work everyday thru the pain. I'm having to do this and it's not easy. Please keep posting. There must be some other ways to release your pain. For me my biggest help has been my cancer support group and keeping so busy that I exhaust myself and release the anger and tension.0 -
terato and tiny one,tiny one said:being here
Hi Sally I'm glad you came here. It's so hard to deal and live with things from our past. It was and still is hard now even though I'm cancer free. Some days I fight to stay here. It's a pretty scary thing knowing that I'm in control of being here. Suicidal thoughts hit me big time after I had my reversal and was in pain. I got help. Stress isn't helpful but it's hard not to be stressed when we don't feel like our old self. It's evident that you're son cares about you, you have taught him that. You're efforts are not in vain, sometimes we find out later what a difference we've made in someones life. Many people mask their pain with drugs, sex, alcohol, food. It's hard to work everyday thru the pain. I'm having to do this and it's not easy. Please keep posting. There must be some other ways to release your pain. For me my biggest help has been my cancer support group and keeping so busy that I exhaust myself and release the anger and tension.
Thank you.
I will definitely check out the website.
I'm in counseling once per week... and I can tell she's tempted to move it to once every two weeks.. I personally feel like 1 hour a week... is so insufficient... that's it's a joke.
I have PTSD and a dissociative Disorder that are taking 100% control over my life... and right now all she wants to focus on ( I feel ) is Grounding Techniques and Coping Skills. Which is great... and would be perfect right now had I not been working on both of these since I was 9 years old in counseling... Now.... I need someone who i can trust to talk to and wont see the talking aspect of counseling as "optional" ... At first it was not what she wanted because it was "too stressful" she thought... and now.... she desn't want it to be the main aspect of counseling.
Honestly, right now... I'm at a point where... I just don't even want to try anymore... I've been trying to stand up for myself and what I need in counseling... now I don't have the energy or spare room for extra emotions to deal with it.
I'm not one to think highly of emotions. I believe showing outwardly any emotion is a sign of weakness. Any sign of weakness is an invitation for attack. When my son was born I learned to let and respect other people/him to have their own views of this issue... as I know I don't want him to grow up like that... however I still believe it enough for myself so as to not allow myself any such emotions. What I like about writing... is that no matter what you write... others can not 'see' your emotions... the invitation and the opportunity are distant enough that safety can still be maintained just as with a telephone call.
Sally0 -
Jesus wept, and He also asked His father to "let this cup pass..Sally08 said:terato and tiny one,
Thank you.
I will definitely check out the website.
I'm in counseling once per week... and I can tell she's tempted to move it to once every two weeks.. I personally feel like 1 hour a week... is so insufficient... that's it's a joke.
I have PTSD and a dissociative Disorder that are taking 100% control over my life... and right now all she wants to focus on ( I feel ) is Grounding Techniques and Coping Skills. Which is great... and would be perfect right now had I not been working on both of these since I was 9 years old in counseling... Now.... I need someone who i can trust to talk to and wont see the talking aspect of counseling as "optional" ... At first it was not what she wanted because it was "too stressful" she thought... and now.... she desn't want it to be the main aspect of counseling.
Honestly, right now... I'm at a point where... I just don't even want to try anymore... I've been trying to stand up for myself and what I need in counseling... now I don't have the energy or spare room for extra emotions to deal with it.
I'm not one to think highly of emotions. I believe showing outwardly any emotion is a sign of weakness. Any sign of weakness is an invitation for attack. When my son was born I learned to let and respect other people/him to have their own views of this issue... as I know I don't want him to grow up like that... however I still believe it enough for myself so as to not allow myself any such emotions. What I like about writing... is that no matter what you write... others can not 'see' your emotions... the invitation and the opportunity are distant enough that safety can still be maintained just as with a telephone call.
Sally
from me." Expressing emotion is healthy and keeps us sane. Those who can't or don't "emote", become like pressure cookers and explode in very unhealthy ways. My younger brother never let anyone now the torment in his soul and ended his own life with his loved ones asking "Why?". Our emotions are God's pressure valves for our sanity!
Yell, cry, scream, and laugh for your own mental health.
Love and Courage!
Rick0 -
After hearing my counselorSally08 said:terato and tiny one,
Thank you.
I will definitely check out the website.
I'm in counseling once per week... and I can tell she's tempted to move it to once every two weeks.. I personally feel like 1 hour a week... is so insufficient... that's it's a joke.
I have PTSD and a dissociative Disorder that are taking 100% control over my life... and right now all she wants to focus on ( I feel ) is Grounding Techniques and Coping Skills. Which is great... and would be perfect right now had I not been working on both of these since I was 9 years old in counseling... Now.... I need someone who i can trust to talk to and wont see the talking aspect of counseling as "optional" ... At first it was not what she wanted because it was "too stressful" she thought... and now.... she desn't want it to be the main aspect of counseling.
Honestly, right now... I'm at a point where... I just don't even want to try anymore... I've been trying to stand up for myself and what I need in counseling... now I don't have the energy or spare room for extra emotions to deal with it.
I'm not one to think highly of emotions. I believe showing outwardly any emotion is a sign of weakness. Any sign of weakness is an invitation for attack. When my son was born I learned to let and respect other people/him to have their own views of this issue... as I know I don't want him to grow up like that... however I still believe it enough for myself so as to not allow myself any such emotions. What I like about writing... is that no matter what you write... others can not 'see' your emotions... the invitation and the opportunity are distant enough that safety can still be maintained just as with a telephone call.
Sally
After hearing my counselor tell me one last time that 'All I have to do it use coping skills' I've about had it. I cancelled all counseling appointments until Aug. 12th. She's doing more harm than good by not listening to me right now... and the 11th of Aug... is the big day... the day that will start up the next series of tests...
since my endocrin couldn't tell me if it was spreading to the lungs or not in April.... I've now waited as long as she told me to... and Aug. 11th is my next appointment... for her to "figure out what's going on"
I'm terrified.
I just want to stop time... curl up in a ball and cry in complete silence.
but then something kicks into full gear inside... and I almost go into an autopilot mode... I feel like I'm in a boxing ring ready to take care of any issue that comes my way.
terato,
You're right.
Jesus did weep,
my problem is struggling with a stupid checklist I go through in my head,
If I cry;
How do I know I will not be attacked...
Who might just happen to see me... and notice my weakness...
What if I start to cry, and then everything overtakes me?
What if I can't stop?
Am I worthy of crying?
If I cry, does that mean I'm less of a mother?
I'll stop the list.... it's becoming very depressing and pitiful.
lol
Talking is one thing when I'm able to...
But I was raised by the phrases
"Suck it up and move on"
"Stop that cryin' nobody wants to hear it"
and "Get over it"
So every last bit of my instincts tell me to "Be fine"
Sally0
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