I feel like I am falling apart

mlmjt1
mlmjt1 Member Posts: 537
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
Hi all
Ive never posted before but I sure need you guys. Im crying while Im typing this. I was diagnosed at the end of april. Had bilateral mastectomy for invasive ductal ca with sentinel node involvement. No other lymph nodes. I guess its stage 3 since it spread to the nipple. It was only on the right side but the left was questionable so I had that one done as well. It turned out to be ok. I had expanders placed right during surgery but developed a wound complication so the expander was removed on the right side. He did it locally in the or with 10mg valium before and local anaesthetic and I sobbed thru the whole thing. I started chemo ac for 4 cycles then switching to something else with herceptin for a year. I have my second chemo tomorrow. I am 52. My husband had to take the gm retirement at 55, I have a son starting college in October. I was off from work for 7 weeks and just went back to home care nursing on monday. I put in 30 hours this week. I am on paxil, lorazepam for anxiety, ambien for sleep. I journal every night. I try to bike 5 to 8 miles per day. I pray to God even though I have always been agnostic. I do relaxation tapes at night. I have one good day, then I fall apart and start to cry. I am seeing a counselor. Any suggestions for anxiety

Comments

  • Kat11
    Kat11 Member Posts: 1,931 Member
    So sorry for the pain you
    So sorry for the pain you are feeling. I to was Dx in April. Looks like I am doing the same chemo as you.I will have my second round next wednesday. I have learned that I must just take one day at a time and if need be one minute at a time. I am 55 and my husband was also retired 2 years ago. I know its tuff, but some how we manage to get through it all. For anxiety, maybe tell doctor you don't feel your meds are doing anything for you. There is so many anxiety meds out there and maybe they can find one that will work better for you. I have learned that my friends on this site have helped me so much. I hope you find this to be true for you as well. Sending prayers your way.
  • CR1954
    CR1954 Member Posts: 1,390 Member
    Hello.......
    Hello and welcome. I'm sorry about your dx, but happy that you have come here.

    I'm also sorry that you had a complication.

    I'm 55, was dx'd at age 54. I had right mastectomy, chemo and am continuing with Herceptin. I also had 28 rads.
    I did not have reconstruction.

    I take Xanax for anxiety. I still have trouble sleeping and the Ambien did not help me at all. I also take Wellbutrin for depression.

    It is sooo normal to be anxious, and also to cry. You have been through traumatic surgery and still face some not so pleasant treatment. On top of that, you are concerned about finances. Frankly, I would be more worried about you if you were not an emotional mess.
    But I agree, talk to your docs and tell them that the meds you are taking are just not helping enough. Don't be afraid to talk to them. I'm pretty sure that they don't want you to be miserable.

    I still have my "meltdowns" on occasion, and I consider it to be therapeutic. I also have my moments of "panic" when I think about the cancer. As I have said on other threads here, I think that counseling of some type, or therapy, should be a standard part of cancer treatment, just as surgery and chemo are. I think that we would all benefit from it.

    Hugs for you, and please continue to post. Everyone here understands and only wants to help.

    CR
  • Christmas Girl
    Christmas Girl Member Posts: 3,682 Member
    Welcome, mlmjt1
    We're all here to support and encourage each other. Glad you found us.

    The roller coaster of emotions you're experiencing is, unfortunately, well know to most - if not all - of us. The cancer journey can only be travelled one forward step at a time. Please visit us here often - whenever you may need or like to.
  • Kylez
    Kylez Member Posts: 3,761 Member
    I am so sorry mlmjt1. You
    I am so sorry mlmjt1. You have really had a lot to deal with. We all have been thru a lot and we all have good and bad days. But, just remember, you will get thru it. Just take it one day at a time.

    If your meds aren't working, call your oncologist and get something new. There are lots of drugs out there to help with anxiety, depression and sleep.

    Good luck!
  • stmgriffin
    stmgriffin Member Posts: 25
    It is normal
    The feelings that you are having are completly normal..I was told June 10,2009 that I had breast cancer..I also have an expander..So sorry you had problems with yours. Keep your chin up..Some days I am just fine and the next day I am a complete mess..Take it one minute at a time..
  • lories
    lories Member Posts: 2
    hang in there
    I too have been through the ringer with BC. Just 5 days before my daughter's 15th birthday, two years ago, I learned I had BC. I was 38 and just recently seperated from my husband of 16 years. I had the same type of BC you have except my cancer had spread to my lymph nodes. A pocket of 11 were removed from under my right arm and 9 were cancerous. After the double mastectomy, the bad chemo -(ACT regime), radiation, 52 weeks of Herceptin, total hysterectomy, and now on a 5 year regime of Tamoxifen, I can truly say, I understand. I was just let go from my job of 16 years last month, but at the end of all of this, I can say there is hope. There is a light at the end of the tunnel of tourment you seem to be traveling through. No, my life is not perfect, but I'm grateful to have had the opportunity to have learned so much along this cancer journey. I do get down quite often, but I've learned that some how, some way, God sees me through to the next day and the next mountain top. I would not have made it without my faith in God, though. It is the ONLY thing that has saved me from some very deep, dark valleys that I wondered if I'd ever make it through. I also had several prayer warriors that prayed for me on a daily basis. I'm coming out of the dark now, but it's been 2 years. (I just finished my last Herceptin dose in April.) Things seem to happen all at once and it crushes the spirit but if you can just hang in there, you too will see your next mountain top. My recent mountain top just came as I just got married to a man that I met during all of this that has helped walk me down this path. Try taking it one day at a time and only focus on your treatments. Borrowing worry from other places will bring you further down. Your son will go to college in October either way and it WILL be OK. Your husband's early retirement is a blessing in disguise because now he can be with you every step of your treatment and recovery. God is right there waiting to help you, all you have to do is call on him. We, all the breast cancer patients and survirvors, are right here to help push each other along this daunting journey. You, are blessed because you are able to continue to march forward and know that there is hope. My thoughts and prayers are with you.....-Lorie
  • Akiss4me
    Akiss4me Member Posts: 2,188
    Welcome....
    Well, I think Lori summed up alot as well as all the others. I switch back & forth emotionally at the most inconvienent times. I have just decided that it is practice for when I go into menopause. Just like waking up all night long when I was pregnant was practice for getting up all hours of the night once the baby came. I try to look on the bright side of any bad situation. Also, xanax does work wonders for me as an antianxiety. I only need to take it once or twice a week now. Valium does nothing for me but slow me down. So talk to your Doctors about adjusting or switching your meds to better address your problems. Seeing a counselor is an excellant idea, keep that going!! I find that this board works well for my counseling!! Come here often and keep us posted on your progress! :) Pammy
  • Kristin N
    Kristin N Member Posts: 1,968 Member

    Welcome, mlmjt1
    We're all here to support and encourage each other. Glad you found us.

    The roller coaster of emotions you're experiencing is, unfortunately, well know to most - if not all - of us. The cancer journey can only be travelled one forward step at a time. Please visit us here often - whenever you may need or like to.

    Welcome mlmjt! This whole
    Welcome mlmjt! This whole journey is a ride that we didn't want, but, you will get thru it, just like we did. Stay strong!

    Post and update us!

    Hugs, Kristin
  • phoenixrising
    phoenixrising Member Posts: 1,508
    M, I'm so sorry for all that
    M, I'm so sorry for all that you are going through right now. Listen to these gals, they are wise women :) It sounds like you are still in shock, after all your life has been turned upside down and that's understandable. I was wondering if perhaps a change in medication might help get you through this bit as the anti-depressant and ant-anxiety meds don't seem to be giving you any relief. I am glad you are seeing a counsellor. As someone mentioned, it should be part of the tx. But please know that crying and feelings of despair are quite common.

    The best way to get rid of anxiety is to stop fearing future outcomes. To do this you may need to be either fatalistic or religious (spiritual). I don't pretend either are easy and that's why so many of us depend on the meds. And if you are able to do this......pls let me know your secret :)

    Hopefully tomorrow you will have a better day. Know we are all thinking of you and sending you good energy.

    hugs
    jan
  • mlmjt1
    mlmjt1 Member Posts: 537

    M, I'm so sorry for all that
    M, I'm so sorry for all that you are going through right now. Listen to these gals, they are wise women :) It sounds like you are still in shock, after all your life has been turned upside down and that's understandable. I was wondering if perhaps a change in medication might help get you through this bit as the anti-depressant and ant-anxiety meds don't seem to be giving you any relief. I am glad you are seeing a counsellor. As someone mentioned, it should be part of the tx. But please know that crying and feelings of despair are quite common.

    The best way to get rid of anxiety is to stop fearing future outcomes. To do this you may need to be either fatalistic or religious (spiritual). I don't pretend either are easy and that's why so many of us depend on the meds. And if you are able to do this......pls let me know your secret :)

    Hopefully tomorrow you will have a better day. Know we are all thinking of you and sending you good energy.

    hugs
    jan

    Thanks to all
    Thanks to all of you for your thoughts and ideas. Its especially good to know that I am not the only only who has dealt with the anxiety. It really can be incapacitating. I had my second dose of ac today and I hope the weekend goes ok. Thanks again for being here
  • rjjj
    rjjj Member Posts: 1,822 Member
    mlmjt1 said:

    Thanks to all
    Thanks to all of you for your thoughts and ideas. Its especially good to know that I am not the only only who has dealt with the anxiety. It really can be incapacitating. I had my second dose of ac today and I hope the weekend goes ok. Thanks again for being here

    sister
    I also was stage 3 and am on Herceptin for the year, I have made it through the other treatments. what i try to do is take one day at a time and live in the moment. I sure would have regrets if i just worried my way through life without the need to. Herceptin is a powerful and wonderful ammunition, my best to you hun.
    jackie
  • lynn1950
    lynn1950 Member Posts: 2,570
    Me too
    I am 1 year + out and I come often to the Board for support when I am in "meltdown" (thanks, Cindy) mode. It took a long time for me to find my balance. I've tried a lot of different anti-depressants and what finally worked is Zoloft boosted with 1/2 the smallest Abilify. The bad thing about Abilify is that it seems to leave me with insomnia. You never know what will work for you until you try it.

    What a hole I was in. As the saying goes "Been down so long it looks like up to me." Everyone reassured me that it does get better and they were right. Therapy combined with effective meds, meditation, prayer, fun activities, time with family and friends on and off this board, and yoga have really helped me find relief.

    I wish the best for you on your journey,

    Lynn
  • Kayla1
    Kayla1 Member Posts: 101
    lynn1950 said:

    Me too
    I am 1 year + out and I come often to the Board for support when I am in "meltdown" (thanks, Cindy) mode. It took a long time for me to find my balance. I've tried a lot of different anti-depressants and what finally worked is Zoloft boosted with 1/2 the smallest Abilify. The bad thing about Abilify is that it seems to leave me with insomnia. You never know what will work for you until you try it.

    What a hole I was in. As the saying goes "Been down so long it looks like up to me." Everyone reassured me that it does get better and they were right. Therapy combined with effective meds, meditation, prayer, fun activities, time with family and friends on and off this board, and yoga have really helped me find relief.

    I wish the best for you on your journey,

    Lynn

    Welcome to the best support
    Welcome to the best support group ever! Give yourself a break when the meldowns take over, it is good for you to let it out and you will have good days!
    I will you all the best,
    K