Feeling Depressed and Guilty

lizper

It's been 2 months since my Mom is with God..My Mommy was never told by the Doctor that she was dying.. he said that profesionally he is allowed to say when the patient asks..and my Mom didn't. He said as Dr. her must always give a ray of hope. When we got to the hospital she had 3 weeks left due to bowel obstruction but I (as only child)did not want her to suffer as she was with that tube through her nose without eating, with abdominal pain, vomiting, etc.. so I decided for her to have chemo and she lived 3 months instead. No wonderful 3 months..she was in bed,I got her out of the Hospital, she managed to be without the tube, evacuating, without vomiting and eating baby meals for a short while. She even got to come to my son's 2nd B-day and I took her out to eat 1 beatiful Sunny Saturday.. but again got worse. I feel very guilty for not telling her the truth.. what if she would have wanted to say a formal Goodbye to all her loved ones.. I feel I lied to her my Mom, my best friend...what if her decision would have been no more chemos and I put her through 4 more. What would have been less painful for her..to die in the hospital with the intestinal blockage or like she did at home of septisemia shock(blood infection and multi organ failure)?.. she said she had no pain just was very tired... she was on no pain killers just hydration and IV nutrition. But I saw her suffer other things, like 3 fevers with chills due to the infection cancer progression, 2 sever Allergic reactions to carboplat which was really working, but could be no more due to the reactions. I can't help but to remember things she said, like seeing no hope, feeling forgotten my God, worried about her "Future" with no money since all was coming out of her pocket. I also feel guilty that even though I was there for her every day I couldn't be there early as I wanted since at that time I had a 5 month old baby and my 2 year old son to take care of. I wish I could have been there 24 hrs a day. I miss her so much and at the end I told her with teers in my eyes how much I loved her, how much I would miss her, how much I thanked her for all her sacrifices, love, devotion, caring, patience. For being there for my graduations, my wedding, my babies births and their baptisms. I told her that I would be fine, that I wanted her to leave in peace and suffer no more, that she had done her mission and that that very day she would be in presence of God.. I hold her hand gently until the very end and told her that I would not let go until God himself had taken her hand... that she was so lucky to be on her way to Him and that I promised to be as half of a woman and a Mom as she was so that one day I could meet her in heaven. One feels that time was short that there was always more to do, say, live.. it's a bitter feeling although I try to stay calm for my little ones.. but a big part of me is now gone and will not be found until I go with our Lord as well.

jean b

What a wonderful daughter
What a wonderful daughter you have been. I think you made all the right decisions. Sounds like she was a beautiful woman and you will be following in her footsteps. Keep those good memories close at hand. God Bless You.
Jean

carol2dogs

You did great!
I agree with Jean - it sounds like all of your decisions were the best ones you could make. You are a wonderful daughter, and I'm sure your Mom appreciated it. I believe that what your Mom would want you to do now is to focus on your two beautiful children, with no more guilt about her care. You can continue to honor her by telling your children lots of stories about how wonderful your mother was. Please continue to work through the grief process at your own pace. In the meantime, God is with you always.
Love and hugs, Carol

Susan523

Aw, Lizper....
It is with tears in my eyes that I read about your ordeal. In all honesty, it sounds to me like you did exactly the right things. You made your decisions based on love & devotion, and I don't see how that could be wrong. So please don't let yourself feel guilty; and I know that your loving mother would never want you to carry this experience as a burden, but more of
something to pride yourself on.

You were there for her through thick and thin; and what mother could ask for more than that?

Giving a loved one permission to die is not an easy thing to do; (I, too, had to do that with my Dad), and you did it so sweetly and with so much love, I admire you for it.

Your mother will always live on in your heart.

My prayers and ((hugs)) to you~
~Susan xoxo

LPack

I agree
Lizper,

I too believe you did what was right. We too had to let our mother go of cancer. And she went with our Lord on Christmas morning 11 years ago this Christmas. And I still think of her.

What a blessing you were to your mom and you will need to continue for your children and be an example to them.

It has been only 2 very short months. It takes time to heal, but we never forget our moms.

We are here for you, and will keep you lifted up in prayer.

In His Grip,
Libby

BonnieR

The bestest of the best
Dearest Liz,

You have been nothing but the best loving caring devoted daughter. You have always done what was best for her and fought the fight right along side her and know always she will be alive in your heart and the memories you share with your children. Love ♥ Hugs ♥ Prayers Bonnie

Cindy54

BonnieR said:

The bestest of the best
Dearest Liz,

You have been nothing but the best loving caring devoted daughter. You have always done what was best for her and fought the fight right along side her and know always she will be alive in your heart and the memories you share with your children. Love ♥ Hugs ♥ Prayers Bonnie

From Another Caregiver
You have been the absolute best daughter you could be. You did all that you could for your Mom and you did it with love. Two months is still too new in the grief process. No one told my Mom either about her outcome. No doctor did. I didn't. In the beginning she would cry and ask if she was going to die. I always asked her if that was what the doctor told her. And she would say no. Maybe that was the chicken way out, but I could not be the one to tell her, it would have taken her will to live away. We would talk from time to time as her health did not get better, but only in a roundabout way. She let me know about her funeral, and some of the little things. But she honestly believed she would be around awhile longer. Towards the end of her illness she kept saying that she only wanted one more year, then she would be ready to go.

When we started out, the doctor told me two weeks to maybe two months. Mom made it to 18 months. No hospice, only me. One of the things I feel bad about is that two months before she died, she was determined to keep walking. So her doctor got a therapist to come in, after Mom asked him, and work with her twice a week. She was doing pretty good to the point of one day telling the therapist that she wanted to walk without the walker. Well, the therapy girl and I were speechless because we knew if Mom fell it would be the end. So we told Mom that due to her not being able to see well..the macular...she needed the walker. Mom cried after the therapy girl left and I felt so bad for Mom. It dampened a lot of the enthusiasm she had about walking, but I couldn't let her walk and fall. I can still see her face after we told her. It is so easy to fall into guilt after taking care of someone. You do the best you can at the time and pray that God heals your memories in the days to come. I still wake up at night and think of things that I could have done differently for Mom. But I did the best I could at the time and I did it with love. Please remind yourself of this when the guilt starts to creep in. You loved your Mom and took the best care of her that you could. Hugs to you, Cindy