Vivid Memories

ldowney · July 2009

Hi,

My name is Lisa and I'm 22. My last treatment was in 2004 and my last operation was in 2008. I was diagnosed at the age of 13 but I'm still feeling the effects of this disease. I've been through several years of therapy and I've developed panic disorder while trying to cope with the illness. While I've decided to discontinue the therapy (due to the fact that I feel like I had an epiphany) I still suffer from anxiety and panic attacks. These are, however, the least of my problems. For the past couple of weeks I've been feeling very ill and I've been having the most vivid flashbacks of my treatments and operations. I'm having a very difficult time pulling myself out of it. I usually confide in my mother but since the illness occurred so long ago I feel as if I'm being somewhat of a crybaby about it. Since the initial diagnosis I've had 3 reoccurences and I'd be devastated if this disease returned. I've lost so much to this disease and I'm not entirely sure if I could handle it again. How do you handle flashbacks? How do you know for sure if the disease has returned? Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.

Lisa

soccerfreaks · July 2009

selling yourself short
Lisa,

I do not understand why you would discontinue treatment for anxiety and panic disorder, with all due respect to your epiphany, if the symptoms persist and seem, in fact, to have elevated to a more severe stage.

First, if you ceased the treatments on your own, without advice from your treating physician, then depending on how long it has been since you stopped, it is possible, assuming medication was a part of your therapy, that you are suffering from acute withdrawal. A painful prospect, indeed!

Anxiety and panic disorder are often associated with clinical depression. And clinical depression is not a rare effect of a cancer pronouncement and subsequent treatment.

Additionally, if one is pre-disposed to depression, the cancer journey is certainly likely to magnify it, bring it to the surface, permit it to bloom.

And depression is not a flower but a weed.

Personally, I have not had the flashbacks you describe, not 'vivid' flashbacks. I have, however, had moments of angst, better described, I suppose, as pangs of anxiety, in very brief rememberances of the two weeks following surgery my first go-round with cancer. I don't know if that qualifies as a 'flashback'.

That is moot, really. Right now, cancer is robbing you, a very young lady, from my perspective, of a long and happy life. Cancer is not genetically designed to do this. All of what you describe is a by-product of cancer, and something we bring upon ourselves, albeit for very good reasons, many of them instinctive, genetic, themselves: the urge to survive coming to mind first and foremost.

All of that said, I would advise that you go back to whomever was involved in your therapy and agree that you want to continue it. That would be first, if it was me.

Second, I would recognize that I am not a "crybaby", that whatever I am feeling is very real to me, and that my mother, of all people, will hopefully understand what I am going through. Trust mom, unless you have a reason not to, and fill her in on what is going on.

In case you or mom are not aware, here are a few facts to deal with: cancer can cause post traumatic stress disorder; cancer certainly can cause or cultivate depression, anxiety, and panic disorder; cancer can and ALMOST ALWAYS perpetuates fear that it will return, a fear that probably never goes away completely; for whatever reason, research into the long term effects of cancer on survivors is a fairly new 'science', a new bandwagon, that sprays out into a number of areas, but even with the good intentions of the researchers, the wagon is ahead of the horse on this one ... we are surviving in far larger numbers than ever, and the research they are now doing will be years in the doing before they have any understanding of what long-term survivorship really entails; finally, as a child survivor, you have issues that I cannot began to fathom.

You can get through this, Lisa. You have managed apparently to fight the disease four times and win. Take it upon yourself to fight, now, its side effects, as insidious as they are. And take all of the help you can get in doing so, including medical professionals, therapy, AND mom, family, friends, whomever you have for support, and us.

Take care,

Joe

bluerose · July 2009

Hi Lisa
I'm sorry you are having so many difficulties after treatments but much of what you say is familiar, have heard this before and actually experienced some of it myself after my treatments.

First of all I want to assure you that just because treatment ends and even years and years go by many cancer survivors are left with a whole host of after effects. Some are physical like some cancer drugs damaging certain body areas and other side effects are emotional. So you aren't alone in how you are feeling at all.

There are many survivors and some doctors now who view flashbacks as a potential symptom of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Now I am not saying that you have PTSD but if you are having flashbacks of traumatic events in treatment you should speak with your doctor. PTSD, if diagnosed can be treated. I too have an anxiety disorder from my treatments - that is pretty common actually amongst survivors - some more severe than others. Let's face it many of the medical interventions we go through in cancer treatments are very scarey and invasive for sure so I would think it would be abnormal not to have the memories come back now and again but if they start interferring with your daily life then a doctor should be advised.

Don't worry about the 'what ifs' - what if it returns, yada yada - cross that bridge when you come to it. That is easier said than done for sure and actually I am fighting that right now as well - worried about a possible new cancer at this moment.

As far as how you would know if it comes back would be something you should discuss with your oncologist or family doctor as to symptoms to watch for. You didn't say what kind of cancer you had so symptoms vary.

I know that for me I found speaking with a psychologist once every few months worked wonders, just touching base as to how I was doing and taking suggestions on what I could do to get myself back on track if I had swayed from centre.

I wish you all the best and hope all turns out for the best. One step at a time. Blessings, Bluerose.

slickwilly · July 2009

bluerose said:
Hi Lisa
I'm sorry you are having so many difficulties after treatments but much of what you say is familiar, have heard this before and actually experienced some of it myself after my treatments.

First of all I want to assure you that just because treatment ends and even years and years go by many cancer survivors are left with a whole host of after effects. Some are physical like some cancer drugs damaging certain body areas and other side effects are emotional. So you aren't alone in how you are feeling at all.

There are many survivors and some doctors now who view flashbacks as a potential symptom of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Now I am not saying that you have PTSD but if you are having flashbacks of traumatic events in treatment you should speak with your doctor. PTSD, if diagnosed can be treated. I too have an anxiety disorder from my treatments - that is pretty common actually amongst survivors - some more severe than others. Let's face it many of the medical interventions we go through in cancer treatments are very scarey and invasive for sure so I would think it would be abnormal not to have the memories come back now and again but if they start interferring with your daily life then a doctor should be advised.

Don't worry about the 'what ifs' - what if it returns, yada yada - cross that bridge when you come to it. That is easier said than done for sure and actually I am fighting that right now as well - worried about a possible new cancer at this moment.

As far as how you would know if it comes back would be something you should discuss with your oncologist or family doctor as to symptoms to watch for. You didn't say what kind of cancer you had so symptoms vary.

I know that for me I found speaking with a psychologist once every few months worked wonders, just touching base as to how I was doing and taking suggestions on what I could do to get myself back on track if I had swayed from centre.

I wish you all the best and hope all turns out for the best. One step at a time. Blessings, Bluerose.

Hi Lisa
Lisa. I agree with all of the above and believe you are not ready to drop counseling. You might want to look for someone that can relate better to your cancer issues. Findng the right person to talk too makes all the difference in the world.
In 2003 I had cancer. In 2006 I went on disability and could no longer work. A few nights ago I had a vivid dream that I was trying to get dressed for work. I could not find all the parts to my uniform and was frustrated that my wife could not understand why my brain was not working right. Finally I decided that I was not going to make it to work even after spending two hours trying to get ready. But I could not remember the phone number to call in. I finally managed to wake up and realized the whole left side of my body was in severe pain as I had been laying on it wrong. And I was mad at my wife for not understanding why I can't remember things. Sometimes its pretty easy to figure out our dreams though. It was terrible having cancer and the chemo didn't help my memory. It was like losing my right arm when I could not work anymore. And my wife and children often tease me about my memory loss. I don't think there is a time limit on our memories or dreams. We just have to develope coping skills to deal with them. Getting beat down over and over does not help. I can only hope you find counseling or develope coping skills that help you in the future. Hugs Slickwilly

ldowney · July 2009

slickwilly said:
Hi Lisa
Lisa. I agree with all of the above and believe you are not ready to drop counseling. You might want to look for someone that can relate better to your cancer issues. Findng the right person to talk too makes all the difference in the world.
In 2003 I had cancer. In 2006 I went on disability and could no longer work. A few nights ago I had a vivid dream that I was trying to get dressed for work. I could not find all the parts to my uniform and was frustrated that my wife could not understand why my brain was not working right. Finally I decided that I was not going to make it to work even after spending two hours trying to get ready. But I could not remember the phone number to call in. I finally managed to wake up and realized the whole left side of my body was in severe pain as I had been laying on it wrong. And I was mad at my wife for not understanding why I can't remember things. Sometimes its pretty easy to figure out our dreams though. It was terrible having cancer and the chemo didn't help my memory. It was like losing my right arm when I could not work anymore. And my wife and children often tease me about my memory loss. I don't think there is a time limit on our memories or dreams. We just have to develope coping skills to deal with them. Getting beat down over and over does not help. I can only hope you find counseling or develope coping skills that help you in the future. Hugs Slickwilly

Thank you soccerfreaks,
Thank you soccerfreaks, bluerose, and slickwilly for your kind words. All being considered I think I will resume therapy.

Thanks again,
Lisa

soccerfreaks · July 2009

ldowney said:
Thank you soccerfreaks,
Thank you soccerfreaks, bluerose, and slickwilly for your kind words. All being considered I think I will resume therapy.

Thanks again,
Lisa

Lisa, I am so glad to hear that!

Best wishes with this treatment and for a long and HAPPY, a HEALTHY life, both mentally and physically.

You are a fighter, that is clear. There is much to be admired in the way you have battled so far, and I have a strong feeling that you will give your family, friends, loved ones, and us, much more to admire in the future.

Take care,

Joe

tiny one · July 2009

long road to travel
Hi Lisa! Some people sail thru their treatments and others like me have a hard time of it. Alot of my fears and others fears is due to the fact we know that the cancer can come back. They do screenings regularly to determine if the cancer has returned. I thought after my surgery and chemo and radiation, stage 3 colon cancer, I would and could forget about cancer. I realized that this is always going to be on my mind, I go to a cancer support and it has helped give me my life back and let me kick cancer to the curb. Your flashbacks may be the fear of what if it comes back. I get very anxious around time to have my screenings. Only you know how much you can handle but please seek help, there are alot of different ways to curb your anxiety. For me I had to do out patient treatment. My support group has been the most helpful. You are not alone!

bluerose · July 2009

Glad to hear that Lisa
I think you are doing the right thing by resuming counselling, just to make sure you are heading in the right direction. I did that from time to time and I never regret it when I go back. Let's face it, cancer is a horrendous thing to happen to anyone, and it deserves a check up of our psyche now and again just as we go in for checkups of the rest of our body from time to time too.

I wish you all the best, keep us posted okay? Blessings, Bluerose

Unknown · August 2009