My friends-I hate this cancer

dmc_emmy
dmc_emmy Member Posts: 549
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
First, let me thank you all once again for your loving thoughts and prayers. Yesterday, after I told my mom about my prognosis, I thought everything was "fine" (well, you know what I mean). This AM, I get another text msg from my little brother saying,"Ignore Dad, pls. He's at it again." OMG.

I call my brother, as I am talking with him I get a call from my older brother. Before all this is happened my daughter got a call from my father. My father has managed to upset everyone, again! He has spoken with everyone in the family, with the exception of me, and my mom is the one getting hurt.

It's all, I know, because I told my mom about the truth yesterday. What do I do?

My father and I cannot even get along 600 miles away from each other. Sometimes, I wish I had died in that near fatal car accident in '96 or never went through chemo, because then I wouldn't be here to cause problems in the family. I hurt so much because my mom is hurt.

I called this AM to talk with my mom. My father answered the phone. I asked to speak to mom My father told me, "You're talking to me first." I told him, "No, I want to talk to mom. You and I haven't gotten along all my life. Pls do not involve my brothers or daugther in this, this is between you and me. ..." He hung up on me.

My brother called me back and told me that mom wants me to come down regardless of how my father feels. She wants me to stay a week. If I don't go, I know that I will break her heart. Emmy will stay here. I will try to find the strength to drive down to TN. If I fly, I'm stuck.

I know you all told me that this isn't my fault, but the bottom line--it is.

I love you all. God, please protect my mom.
dmc

Comments

  • lynn1950
    lynn1950 Member Posts: 2,570
    Family
    dmc, sweetie, this is not your fault. Cancer is not your fault. The shape of relationships in your family is not your fault. Cancer is the call to take care of yourself, to look inwards, but not to blame yourself.

    Therapy has really helped me through the psychological impact of bc. I'd say the psychological stuff has been much harder to treat than the physical stuff (surgeries, chemo, rads, and AIs). I started late with therapy. For you, maybe a therapist can help you deal with your dad's behavior. You can't change him, but you can change how you manage your feelings and reactions.

    Lots of love to you. As crazy as families are, love sits squarely in the middle, and that is an important thing. Lynn
  • outdoorgirl
    outdoorgirl Member Posts: 1,565
    dmc,
    it isn't your fault!You didn't give yourself cancer!
    And please don't wish that you had died-you're a wonderful person and you are needed!
    You know,your dad should be less upset about the fact that you didn't tell him first-and more bothered by your well being and health!!
    Makes me feel so bad that you are hurting like this.
    If I were you,I would go anyways-and if you dad wants to be childish about it,that's something he's going to have to deal with!!
    Don't you make this your fault and think less of yourself because of it!
    Love,Patty PS.Saying a prayer that things will smooth out and you all can enjoy your time together!
  • sausageroll
    sausageroll Member Posts: 415

    dmc,
    it isn't your fault!You didn't give yourself cancer!
    And please don't wish that you had died-you're a wonderful person and you are needed!
    You know,your dad should be less upset about the fact that you didn't tell him first-and more bothered by your well being and health!!
    Makes me feel so bad that you are hurting like this.
    If I were you,I would go anyways-and if you dad wants to be childish about it,that's something he's going to have to deal with!!
    Don't you make this your fault and think less of yourself because of it!
    Love,Patty PS.Saying a prayer that things will smooth out and you all can enjoy your time together!

    DEFINITELY not your fault!
    Don't you dare blame yourself, but I do understand how hurtful this must be. You do not need this stress and neither does your poor Mum. My daughter is a social worker at the hospital..maybe you could ask for one to visit you. At least it would give you a chance to unload. Good Luck!
  • arbojenn
    arbojenn Member Posts: 118
    I know what you mean when
    I know what you mean when you say you do not want to be the cause of people hurting. But that is all part of loving someone: the pain is the other side of joy. Put yourself in your mother's place. If YOUR daughter were going through what YOU were going through, wouldn't you want to be there for her every step of the way? Wouldn't you want to know everything? Your mother feels about you the way you feel about your daughter. Please do not worry about hurting her: that is part of being a mother and it hurts more to find out after the fact. Anyone who thinks anything else isn't a mother. That's just the way it is. You can't control your dad but you just have to trust that your siblings and mother have his number and know how to deal with him, each in their own way. Cut him out of your life if you need to. Go see your mom, but maybe stay in a motel or anywhere but in the house as he is. Maybe your mother would like to come stay with YOU, provided she leave your dad at home. You are always going to be her baby, no matter how old you get. Just accept the fact that people who love you are going to hurt for you: you have to love them enough back to let them do that. Too bad really caring about and for someone isn't all roses. Well, maybe it is, but those roses have thorns! When I was waiting for results the first time I had cancer, I heard through the family grapevine that some of my siblings thought I should not have told my mother until I knew for sure. My mother--who was 78 at the time--hit the roof and warned all that they better not DARE to EVER keep anything like this from her or she would not be able to forgive them for denying her this part of mothering. Mom's are like that: yeah, they are! (Remember that commercial?)
  • CR1954
    CR1954 Member Posts: 1,390 Member
    dmc........
    You KNOW that we are all a very wise group here. And so, when we say that it is NOT your fault, you can believe it!!

    Don't be blaming yourself for any of this...it is nothing that you did, and you do not need the added stress of thinking that it is. Guilt is a powerful, yet completely horrible thing!

    My dear, I know you are very worried about your Mom, and I completely understand. But it sounds to me like your Father needs to be in control of everyone, and the problem stems from him. NOT YOU.

    If you do go to TN, I truly hope that you will be able to spend time with your Mom and not encounter any more stress from your Dad.

    Now feel free to tell me if I have overstepped my boundaries on this...

    Hugs,

    CR
  • cats_toy
    cats_toy Member Posts: 1,462 Member
    dmc
    Again, as everyone else has said, this is not your fault. Hate the cancer, feel bad for your mother brothers, kids, etc. But that is not your burden to carry, give it up to God.

    My suggestion would be to find a motel/hotel in the area that accepts pets, stay there with Emmy, and visit with your mother either at the hotel or at their house.

    Another suggestion would be to print all of these posts and give them to your father to read.

    Whatever you do, please remember that we are all here for you, and as someone else posted, find some type of therapist you can talk to.

    Take care of yourself and Emmy

    Cat
  • phoenixrising
    phoenixrising Member Posts: 1,508
    I have to agree with the
    I have to agree with the rest in that you were right telling your mother. I would be so upset and hurt if my son tried keeping something like that from me. I would wonder why he didn't want me to be there for him, support him, help him, be in his life. That's the kind of thing you do to a parent you want nothing to do with. At least for me anyway. Like others have said, perhaps she can come visit you as the last thing you need is to listen to your father right now. He is the most upsetting factor here. He is very obviously very angry and I wonder if there is more to it than "you upset your mother". Perhaps there is a little anger at himself because he couldn't prevent or protect you from this. I don't know, but I think your mother knows and a discussion with her may be very enlightening. It also might be a time for your mother to "go for the jugular" on your father. She must realize how much stress he's creating for you. You know, when I was dx someone said to me that it isn't necessarily about you, sometimes it's about other people and the lessons THEY have to learn. I think there is some wisdom in that.

    I'm glad you have Emmy, I can see that she is a very intelligent friend and perhaps very intuitive??? Go for a walk, she will tell you what's important and what really doesn't matter. She'll straighten you out:) and help you lift your heart off the ground and put a smile back on your face.

    big hugs
    jan
  • Jeanne D
    Jeanne D Member Posts: 1,867
    cats_toy said:

    dmc
    Again, as everyone else has said, this is not your fault. Hate the cancer, feel bad for your mother brothers, kids, etc. But that is not your burden to carry, give it up to God.

    My suggestion would be to find a motel/hotel in the area that accepts pets, stay there with Emmy, and visit with your mother either at the hotel or at their house.

    Another suggestion would be to print all of these posts and give them to your father to read.

    Whatever you do, please remember that we are all here for you, and as someone else posted, find some type of therapist you can talk to.

    Take care of yourself and Emmy

    Cat

    Hi dmc!
    I will also reiterate that this isn't your fault. And, I am so sorry that all of this is happening to you all at once. That is a lot to take in. But, you can do it dmc. And, we will help in anyway that we can.

    My Mother was very ill also and even died a month after I was diagnosed this last and second time with bc. But, she had a right to know what was going on with me, her daughter. And, even though she couldn't do a lot physically for me, she wanted to help in anyway and still cooked a lot of meals and had them brought out to us. And, that made her very happy! She would always call and ask how the food was, if my husband ate a lot, what did we want next etc. I guess, I never thought of not telling her or anyone else in my family as I would not have wanted for someone to do that to me.

    Please go see your Mother dmc while you still can and while she is still here. One never knows when it might be the last time or too late. Don't let this slip by you.

    And, on another note. We love our cats dearly. So, when we go on vacation or away, we always board them at the local vet office. I know they don't LOVE it, but, they are safe, well taken care of and if something were to go wrong..the vet is right there. So, you might check into that.

    Good luck with whatever you do dmc! Love, Jeanne

    p.s. It is like someone else wrote on here, if your daughter was going thru this, wouldn't you want to know? Would you like it if she kept it a secret? And then, who knows what might happen? I also hope I haven't overstepped my boundries here, but, I am just being honest and trying to help in my own small way.
  • mimivac
    mimivac Member Posts: 2,143

    I have to agree with the
    I have to agree with the rest in that you were right telling your mother. I would be so upset and hurt if my son tried keeping something like that from me. I would wonder why he didn't want me to be there for him, support him, help him, be in his life. That's the kind of thing you do to a parent you want nothing to do with. At least for me anyway. Like others have said, perhaps she can come visit you as the last thing you need is to listen to your father right now. He is the most upsetting factor here. He is very obviously very angry and I wonder if there is more to it than "you upset your mother". Perhaps there is a little anger at himself because he couldn't prevent or protect you from this. I don't know, but I think your mother knows and a discussion with her may be very enlightening. It also might be a time for your mother to "go for the jugular" on your father. She must realize how much stress he's creating for you. You know, when I was dx someone said to me that it isn't necessarily about you, sometimes it's about other people and the lessons THEY have to learn. I think there is some wisdom in that.

    I'm glad you have Emmy, I can see that she is a very intelligent friend and perhaps very intuitive??? Go for a walk, she will tell you what's important and what really doesn't matter. She'll straighten you out:) and help you lift your heart off the ground and put a smile back on your face.

    big hugs
    jan

    Keep at it
    DMC, sometimes I think we need to give up trying so hard to be perfect. The perfect daughter, mother, friend, cancer patient. It sounds as if this dynamic with your father is very old and ongoing and something you definitely didn't cause but can't help falling into. I think that you can't control your family any more than you could have willed yourself to have cancer. Though you love your mother dearly and have done your best to shield her from your own pain and suffering, maybe try to give up some of that. You are not to blame for the fact that your mom is hurting. Of course she is. Her daughter got sick. Nothing you could do about that. Now think about what is best for yourself and your daughter and let that be your guide. It sounds as if you truly want to see your mom. You'll find a way to do it without letting your father interfere. Don't fight with him, just disengage. You don't need the stress right now. When he starts yelling, hang up, not angrily, but with peace that you're doing the right thing. I wish you the best. You're a wonderful woman and you'll get through this, too.

    Mimi
  • tgf
    tgf Member Posts: 950 Member
    mimivac said:

    Keep at it
    DMC, sometimes I think we need to give up trying so hard to be perfect. The perfect daughter, mother, friend, cancer patient. It sounds as if this dynamic with your father is very old and ongoing and something you definitely didn't cause but can't help falling into. I think that you can't control your family any more than you could have willed yourself to have cancer. Though you love your mother dearly and have done your best to shield her from your own pain and suffering, maybe try to give up some of that. You are not to blame for the fact that your mom is hurting. Of course she is. Her daughter got sick. Nothing you could do about that. Now think about what is best for yourself and your daughter and let that be your guide. It sounds as if you truly want to see your mom. You'll find a way to do it without letting your father interfere. Don't fight with him, just disengage. You don't need the stress right now. When he starts yelling, hang up, not angrily, but with peace that you're doing the right thing. I wish you the best. You're a wonderful woman and you'll get through this, too.

    Mimi

    I'm so sorry
    I'm so sorry you are going through this additional family stress.

    It would be great if your mother could come see you ... and stay with you ... so the two of you could have a nice visit. She could see her daughter ...her daughter would be able to stay in the comfort of her home surroundings and take care of her beloved dog ... and I wouldn't be surprised if it wouldn't be a tremendous relief for your mother to get away from her domoneering, angry and grumpy husband. What a great vacation that might be for her.

    It sounds like your father is not just upset with you ... but mad at the world. How sad for you, your mother and anyone else who has to deal with him.

    Don't let him get to you and don't let him hurt the relationship you have with your mother.

    Hang in there!

    hugs.
    teena
  • Kylez
    Kylez Member Posts: 3,761 Member
    mimivac said:

    Keep at it
    DMC, sometimes I think we need to give up trying so hard to be perfect. The perfect daughter, mother, friend, cancer patient. It sounds as if this dynamic with your father is very old and ongoing and something you definitely didn't cause but can't help falling into. I think that you can't control your family any more than you could have willed yourself to have cancer. Though you love your mother dearly and have done your best to shield her from your own pain and suffering, maybe try to give up some of that. You are not to blame for the fact that your mom is hurting. Of course she is. Her daughter got sick. Nothing you could do about that. Now think about what is best for yourself and your daughter and let that be your guide. It sounds as if you truly want to see your mom. You'll find a way to do it without letting your father interfere. Don't fight with him, just disengage. You don't need the stress right now. When he starts yelling, hang up, not angrily, but with peace that you're doing the right thing. I wish you the best. You're a wonderful woman and you'll get through this, too.

    Mimi

    I think you owe it to
    I think you owe it to yourself and your mother to go see her dmc. What if something happens to her and you pass this opportunity up to see her, to hug her, to tell her how much you love her, face to face? You need it as much, I am sure, as she does. And, for your father, just ignore him. It does sound like this has been going on for a long time, and, maybe all of your life. He isn't your focus now, it is you and your mother. If any of your siblings live close to your parents, have them take your father out so that you and your mom can visit. Where there is a will, there is a way.