Pity Party

padee6339
padee6339 Member Posts: 763
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
Today is my pity party day. Its the kind of day where I cry every hour or so.

My sister who passed away had three children. (I never had children). 2 live in Virginia about 3 hours from me, and one in Philadelphia, about 2 hours away. All I've gotten from them are a few notes on Facebook saying, hope you feel better, glad the treatment's over. Oh well. Not a phone call, and not a visit during the holidays when they were up to visit their father. It hurts when they don't care enough. He was not there to raise them, I helped my sister raise them. Now he reaps their love and I get squats. I've told their father that I am very disappointed in them, they were NOT raised that way. I realize they are young and have their own lives, but come on! A flower or a card or a phone call would have been enough. It hurts. This also goes for my niece in NY and two in Florida, one being my own Godchild.

Sorry about the poor me post, but a recent post made me realize just how selfish my own relatives are. Only one calls regularly from Florida, she and I are more like soul sisters. She is the only one who resembles me, and fights the same weight battle and love life problems I had at her age. But there is no excuse and my heart is broken because I've lost all respect for them. I gave them so much when they were kids. Oh well, we don't always reap what we sow! Its just been my Mother and I going through this. She is 88 and almost blind, so there wasn't much she could do for me. She'd get upset when I got out of bed to cook or help with laundry. She has no patience with me if I fall asleep in my recliner. Its been more me helping her than her helping me. She has never had patience for illness and this is no different.

I honestly feel like I've been fighting this battle mostly on my own. I have a mobile home that is literally falling apart. One bathroom doesn't work and the flashing has come off the front corner and I've had birds and squirrels living up there. I have neighbors who are in the construction business and for 2 years they have been promising to fix it for me and never do. I cannot afford to get a professional in to do it, so it just gets worse. I guess when it collapses I'll move out.

I just want to run away and hide, I know it sounds juvenile, but its what I want to do.

I'm sorry - just needed to vent a bit.

Pat
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Comments

  • mimivac
    mimivac Member Posts: 2,143
    Pat,
    I am so sorry you are down and having these issues with relatives and your mobile home. It just seems like everything at once sometimes, doesn't it? As many women here can attest, the people who are supposed to care for us the most can disappoint and hurt us the most, too. I think it stinks that your nieces and nephews have not supported you very well. People are often wrapped up in their own lives and problems and don't even realize that others need help. Not that it's an excuse. They should have reached out more and asked what they could do for you. They should have called, sent letters, and visited. Can you talk to them or have another relative talk to them? They may not know how much you really need them right now. Sometimes it just takes a reminder to jolt people out of their own lives. Since they are on facebook, can you send them an email saying that you miss them and would appreciate their help? You helped raise those kids and they should be willing to help their aunt right now. They may appreciate specific instructions from you, like asking them to see you when they visit their father in a few weeks. I hope they come around, Pat.

    Mimi
  • The1percen
    The1percen Member Posts: 135
    This is allowed!
    Everybody needs to "vent" once in a while... sounds like a rough situation and I'm sorry family can be like that. Just know WE care and it will get better (at and worse at times) don't ya just love rollarcoasters tho???? It beats a flatline.....If it makes ya feel any better, I LOVE THAT HAT!
  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
    I send my hugs...
    Every one of us are faced with unfairness during our battles...and we ALL have pity parties!!! I am one of the 'regulars' in this regard.

    I'm sorry that things are so bad for you right now. The only thing I can think of with your sister's kids is that they don't want face/deal with another potential passing in you. Now, we both know that YOU are going to BEAT this, but they don't. It's strange for the next generation to think that our generation is so fragile. But then, each one is.....

    As far as being alone in your battle, well WE are here for you!!!

    Hugs, Kathi
  • Alexis F
    Alexis F Member Posts: 3,598
    KathiM said:

    I send my hugs...
    Every one of us are faced with unfairness during our battles...and we ALL have pity parties!!! I am one of the 'regulars' in this regard.

    I'm sorry that things are so bad for you right now. The only thing I can think of with your sister's kids is that they don't want face/deal with another potential passing in you. Now, we both know that YOU are going to BEAT this, but they don't. It's strange for the next generation to think that our generation is so fragile. But then, each one is.....

    As far as being alone in your battle, well WE are here for you!!!

    Hugs, Kathi

    I am so sorry that you are
    I am so sorry that you are so down today. We all have so much to get thru with bc, and then, we run into something like this, it just isn't fair. Maybe, like someone wrote, the kids are having trouble dealing with it. Maybe, you should talk to them and just ask them point blank why they haven't paid attention to you. I hope you feel better real soon! Hugs, Lex
  • tgf
    tgf Member Posts: 950 Member
    Alexis F said:

    I am so sorry that you are
    I am so sorry that you are so down today. We all have so much to get thru with bc, and then, we run into something like this, it just isn't fair. Maybe, like someone wrote, the kids are having trouble dealing with it. Maybe, you should talk to them and just ask them point blank why they haven't paid attention to you. I hope you feel better real soon! Hugs, Lex

    pity party
    You don't say how old the kids are ... so if they are teenagers ... then they just might not be mature enough to know how to behave. If they are older than teenagers ... then maybe you do need to talk to them. Maybe ask them to come visit so you can catch up on things ... in their lives ... and YOUR'S. Often we think that people just automatically know how to act ...but that isn't the case. Most people are not mind-readers and instead they need to be told. Just let them know you miss them ... and miss hearing from them ... and that they shouldn't be "afraid" to visit you (cancer is not contagious).

    If that's all too much and you don't want them to visit ... maybe you could just write them a letter and tell them how much you miss them.

    Good luck.

    hugs.
    teena
  • bfbear
    bfbear Member Posts: 380
    Alexis F said:

    I am so sorry that you are
    I am so sorry that you are so down today. We all have so much to get thru with bc, and then, we run into something like this, it just isn't fair. Maybe, like someone wrote, the kids are having trouble dealing with it. Maybe, you should talk to them and just ask them point blank why they haven't paid attention to you. I hope you feel better real soon! Hugs, Lex

    Hang in there
    Hang in there. I know that doesn't help much, but just know that there are many here, including myself, who hold pity parties regularly, and who are holding you, with love, in their hearts.

    I hope things start improving for you. The suggestion about asking for help is also a good one. Sometimes people just don't realize how much you need them. And sometimes they're afraid they're "bothering" you.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you.

    Hoping for fast improvement in your life,
    Debi
  • padee6339
    padee6339 Member Posts: 763
    tgf said:

    pity party
    You don't say how old the kids are ... so if they are teenagers ... then they just might not be mature enough to know how to behave. If they are older than teenagers ... then maybe you do need to talk to them. Maybe ask them to come visit so you can catch up on things ... in their lives ... and YOUR'S. Often we think that people just automatically know how to act ...but that isn't the case. Most people are not mind-readers and instead they need to be told. Just let them know you miss them ... and miss hearing from them ... and that they shouldn't be "afraid" to visit you (cancer is not contagious).

    If that's all too much and you don't want them to visit ... maybe you could just write them a letter and tell them how much you miss them.

    Good luck.

    hugs.
    teena

    Hi Teena -
    They are not really kids, they range in age - hmmm lets see -
    Elizabeth 20
    Morgan turning 27
    Brian 25 (Godson)
    Adrienne 31
    Andrea 20
    Kristina 23 (Goddaughter)

    Old enough. I know people don't know what to say or how to handle it, but they are not children. One is married (Adrienne)and I get Facebook notes from her all the time. I'd rather a phone call, but then maybe I'm being selfish.
  • padee6339
    padee6339 Member Posts: 763
    tgf said:

    pity party
    You don't say how old the kids are ... so if they are teenagers ... then they just might not be mature enough to know how to behave. If they are older than teenagers ... then maybe you do need to talk to them. Maybe ask them to come visit so you can catch up on things ... in their lives ... and YOUR'S. Often we think that people just automatically know how to act ...but that isn't the case. Most people are not mind-readers and instead they need to be told. Just let them know you miss them ... and miss hearing from them ... and that they shouldn't be "afraid" to visit you (cancer is not contagious).

    If that's all too much and you don't want them to visit ... maybe you could just write them a letter and tell them how much you miss them.

    Good luck.

    hugs.
    teena

    Hi Teena -
    They are not really kids, they range in age - hmmm lets see -
    Elizabeth 20
    Morgan turning 27
    Brian 25 (Godson)
    Adrienne 31
    Andrea 20
    Kristina 23 (Goddaughter)

    Old enough. I know people don't know what to say or how to handle it, but they are not children. One is married (Adrienne)and I get Facebook notes from her all the time. I'd rather a phone call, but then maybe I'm being selfish.
  • padee6339
    padee6339 Member Posts: 763
    THANKS
    I want to thank you all for listening and caring. I have opened up to you more than to anyone since this began. I wish I had found you while I was going through treatment. It would have helped me so much. But I found you now, and you are my saving graces. Thanks for caring everyone!
  • taleena
    taleena Member Posts: 1,612 Member
    Pat.. I am so sorry.. I have
    Pat.. I am so sorry.. I have been throwing more than my share of pitty parties so no apologies needed. All of us have them from time to time.. I am so sorry about your family situation. I agree that maybe you can email them through facebook, tell them that you are lonely, and would really love for them to visit you. Communication is so important, and after everything you have done for those now grown up children, you deserve to have yourself heard. In the meantime we hear you, and like someone here told me... we may not be able to fix what you perceive as broken... but we can listen, we can offer you support.. That is why we are all here.. I hope your feeling all the comfort the we are sending!

    Hugs

    ~T
  • 1surfermom
    1surfermom Member Posts: 396 Member
    bfbear said:

    Hang in there
    Hang in there. I know that doesn't help much, but just know that there are many here, including myself, who hold pity parties regularly, and who are holding you, with love, in their hearts.

    I hope things start improving for you. The suggestion about asking for help is also a good one. Sometimes people just don't realize how much you need them. And sometimes they're afraid they're "bothering" you.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you.

    Hoping for fast improvement in your life,
    Debi

    It's o.k. to feel down
    Pat,
    I know that you feel down and that is alright. I used to feel that I always had to stay positive and not complain and I would feel guilty if I didn't quite feel up to doing my normal activities i.e cooking for my family, taking my children to school, attending their sporting events. I have been on chemo since March 4, 2009 and will end chemo on 9-2-2009(God willing). I finally came to the point of breaking and told my family and friends that I have a right to feel depressed and and I have a right to put my self first for once in my life. I agree with Mimi send your nieces a facebook message. I have a niece who I text often it seems that telephone conversations are a thing of the past. Also do you belong to a church or have a service group like the Boy Scouts in your area. Perhaps they could help with the maintenance of your home. I wish you lived close to me as my oldest son (15 years) is required to do service hours for our church. I know that some of his friends that are scouts are often in need of projects for their Eagle Scout. Just a thought.

    Take good care of your self. Love Surf
  • ladybug22
    ladybug22 Member Posts: 646
    dont be sorry
    i am sorry you are having a bad time . and it ok to be hurt and upset and mad pleas hang in there and take care of your self. pleas just no we are here all rhe time hugs to you
  • CR1954
    CR1954 Member Posts: 1,390 Member
    Hi Pat......
    I agree....let your family know that you would love to have a phone conversation with them. That you certainly wouldn't mind seeing them in person either. Ask them on facebook when a good time would be for you to phone them.
    Tell thenm that you would like to talk about things going on in your life and in theirs.

    They certainly seem old enough that you can come right out and let them know that you would like their company.

    As far as those who said that they would work on your trailer....make a pan of brownies or some cookies and show up at their door. Ask them if they could please find some time to do a little work on your home, as it is getting worse over time.
    I am not above using a little bribery, and a pan of brownies just might "remind" them of their promise to you.

    As far as pity parties....if we don't deserve to have a pity party now & then, who does!!??
    Party on girlfriend!!

    CR
  • zahalene
    zahalene Member Posts: 670
    Pat, how about this?
    Send a group email to all these people to the effect that:
    An 88-year-old blind woman needs and deserves better living conditions than what she has. AND suggest (very strongly) that you expect each family member to either show up or cough up and get 'grandma' (or whatever you guys call her) a decent standard of living.
    Those who can should show up with saws and hammers and those who can't should have a check in the mail asap. Let them know that you will not tolerate this situation to continue for another winter, so they have only a few months to do their bit.
    Put the shame on em. Yes, I know you'd rather they come to visit and help out from a sense of love and respect rather than a sense of duty, but sometimes we have to take what we can get or make things happen when others are dragging their feet.
    No more kid gloves.
    God bless.
  • tasha_111
    tasha_111 Member Posts: 2,072
    zahalene said:

    Pat, how about this?
    Send a group email to all these people to the effect that:
    An 88-year-old blind woman needs and deserves better living conditions than what she has. AND suggest (very strongly) that you expect each family member to either show up or cough up and get 'grandma' (or whatever you guys call her) a decent standard of living.
    Those who can should show up with saws and hammers and those who can't should have a check in the mail asap. Let them know that you will not tolerate this situation to continue for another winter, so they have only a few months to do their bit.
    Put the shame on em. Yes, I know you'd rather they come to visit and help out from a sense of love and respect rather than a sense of duty, but sometimes we have to take what we can get or make things happen when others are dragging their feet.
    No more kid gloves.
    God bless.

    Pat
    When I was half way through chemo and all the way to hell, I phoned my Mum, spoke to her, Dad, My Son and My sister Fiona..........The conversation as follows........

    Me: Hi How are you?

    Fiona: Hi how are you doing?

    Me: Well I'm feeli..............

    Fiona:....I have to go, it's my hand at cards......Byeeeeeeeeeeee

    Me:...Sob
  • ladydi1
    ladydi1 Member Posts: 120
    padee6339 said:

    THANKS
    I want to thank you all for listening and caring. I have opened up to you more than to anyone since this began. I wish I had found you while I was going through treatment. It would have helped me so much. But I found you now, and you are my saving graces. Thanks for caring everyone!

    Sending a Hug
    I'm sending you a hug too! Breast cancer is tough enough; but when the people we love and had counted on to be there for us aren't, it really hurts. Don't apologize, we all have our days. Sometimes I want to just punch a clown or tear up a million phonebooks in frustration. Hang in there, you have support here and you can count on that!
    LadyDi1
  • CR1954
    CR1954 Member Posts: 1,390 Member
    tasha_111 said:

    Pat
    When I was half way through chemo and all the way to hell, I phoned my Mum, spoke to her, Dad, My Son and My sister Fiona..........The conversation as follows........

    Me: Hi How are you?

    Fiona: Hi how are you doing?

    Me: Well I'm feeli..............

    Fiona:....I have to go, it's my hand at cards......Byeeeeeeeeeeee

    Me:...Sob

    Oh J........
    I'm so sorry that happened to you.....

    Big hugs,

    CR
  • tommaseena
    tommaseena Member Posts: 1,769
    CR1954 said:

    Oh J........
    I'm so sorry that happened to you.....

    Big hugs,

    CR

    Pat
    Pat,
    Let me try again. this will be the third time I reply to your message.

    I have two stepchildren. Stepson is 34 and stepdaughter 33.
    Stepdaughter is wonderful. she lives in California after moving from Hawaii. When she comes to visit her dad she always comes to visit me. We have a great relationship.

    Stepson on the other hand lives one hour away and the last time I saw him was a few days after Christmas. He moved from Hawaii in September of 2007 and his father, my husband at the time, told him he could stay with us, without even asking me. One day I got home from work and I was given the news that he was staying and not going back to Hawaii. He stayed until February when I kicked his butt to the curb because he couldn't hold a job and I was the only one working and paying for everything except the house payment which my husband paid from his retirement check. His son still has stuff down in my cellar and I told him that he has two weeks to get it out or I am selling it to the highest bidder.

    One out of two isn't bad.

    I would tell your nieces and nephews that they need to visit you and their grandmother when they are up and that their mother and you did not raise them this way. Also tell them one phone call a month is all that you ask of them. For the neighbors--I would remind them of their promise and if they can't do it then like someone else mentioned a church or boy scout group could help.

    Hugs to you,
    Margo
  • tjhay
    tjhay Member Posts: 655

    Pat
    Pat,
    Let me try again. this will be the third time I reply to your message.

    I have two stepchildren. Stepson is 34 and stepdaughter 33.
    Stepdaughter is wonderful. she lives in California after moving from Hawaii. When she comes to visit her dad she always comes to visit me. We have a great relationship.

    Stepson on the other hand lives one hour away and the last time I saw him was a few days after Christmas. He moved from Hawaii in September of 2007 and his father, my husband at the time, told him he could stay with us, without even asking me. One day I got home from work and I was given the news that he was staying and not going back to Hawaii. He stayed until February when I kicked his butt to the curb because he couldn't hold a job and I was the only one working and paying for everything except the house payment which my husband paid from his retirement check. His son still has stuff down in my cellar and I told him that he has two weeks to get it out or I am selling it to the highest bidder.

    One out of two isn't bad.

    I would tell your nieces and nephews that they need to visit you and their grandmother when they are up and that their mother and you did not raise them this way. Also tell them one phone call a month is all that you ask of them. For the neighbors--I would remind them of their promise and if they can't do it then like someone else mentioned a church or boy scout group could help.

    Hugs to you,
    Margo

    Pat
    My heart goes out to you. I am sending you mega hugs, and know that you are in my prayers.
    Tjhay
  • Akiss4me
    Akiss4me Member Posts: 2,188
    Pat....
    I'm so sorry that you are going through this right now. Not much that I can add to say that hasn't already been expressed (these women are soooo smart!) except I will be your friend. I fell apart this morning when my washing machine broke! All I could think of was what would go next. Then I quickly decided anything could break as long as it wasn't me!! Hang in there, and vent anytime you need to. :) Pammy