metastatic breast cancer and SURVIVING AN ABUSIVE EX-HUSHAND

middVT

Dear CSN community,I need your help! A bit of background: I was diagnosed with breast cancer in April of 2005. Had a radical mastectomy, breast reconstruction, was on tamoxifen for years, and then in Feb of 2008 I was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer. I had chemo (taxol and avastin) for 10 months (3 weeks on, one off), and I am currently on Avastin every 3 weeks. I'm 45; have 2 daughters (10 and 8). My ex-husband left me a couple of months after the second diagnosis. I am on long term disability, able to work half time.

I am in the middle of a horrific contested divorce. And here is what I am facing:
- during the marriage I have been the higher income making; now because of the LTD, my salary has been reduced significantly.
- my ex wants everything: he wants to keep the marital house; he wants for me to pay more than half of the marital debt, he wants to get spousal maintenance; he wants me to pay for all of our daughter's expenses, etc...

- For my ex to keep all that he wants, my ex's lawyer is making the following 2 arguments (we have a court hearing on July 9). He is saying:

a) given my diagnosis, my live expectancy is so short that it makes no sense for me to insist in keeping my assets (which, by the way, are just my retirement account and half of the equity of the marital house)

or

b) I am not sick enough to be on disability, and need to go back to working full time so that I can continue to support my ex's. (By the way, he is a high school teacher, and works a second job as chef)

I was forced to make all my medical records available to my ex's lawyer. And now, as he continues to a) question my need to be on LTD, or b) hopes to find out how many years I have to life, he is going to get a deposition from my oncologist. he has also requested a deposition from me.

So, here is the help that I hope I can find among you: are you aware of any legal services that I could have access to in order to stop this abuse? Are there any family lawyers who specialize in divorce of cancer patients? Should I be posting this in a different forum? If so, where?

Thanks for listening, and I look forward to hearing from you.

MiddVT

arbojenn

Lawyer
The arguments your husband has given you here as to why you should lose your assets is bogus. He is just trying to bully you and shake your confidence. Any good divorce lawyer is going to be able to help you. Ask any friends who have had divorces who they recommend: or if they got the short end of the stick, ask their exes who they had. Either a good divorce or family law attorney.
And it is not true that the more you pay an attorney, the better his services will be. Call around and see what the going rate it. Those who charge way above or way below the average are bad news. But get a good lawyer ASAP and let him deal with your ex and his attorney. Do not let them rattle you. They figure you are in a weakened state and they can bully you.

dyaneb123

Wow, what a monster...I hope
Wow, what a monster...I hope you can find the help you need ...I know we have some lawyers who post regularly and maybe they can help. I can't imagine any court taking your home or forcing you to support this creep. Be strong and never give up the battle.I wish you well.
Dee

Noel

Wow, you sure married a
Wow, you sure married a jerk. Good riddance to him! You do need to get an attorney.

Contact the American Cancer Society ( ACS ) and the Susan B. Komen Center. I am sure that

one of them can help you in getting legal counsel. And, good luck to you! You have a long

life ahead of you. Don't listen to those morons! Keep us posted!

Akiss4me

divorce...
I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I don't know if this will help but another option (I know someone who did this) is to go to several attorneys for a free consultation (most are free for the first visit) and be sure to ask a different specific question with each one. This helps you to gain knowlege and see where you stand. Also, depending which state you live in, some states are an equal distribution state and a family law master makes a final decision based on the law rather than arguement. The state I live in is like that. Check to see if your state is (ask a lawyer at a consultation). Also, this is a bully tactic your husband's lawyer is performing. If it is a judge or law master that decides, they need to stay reasonable in the end. Unforunately, you will need to retain a lawyer to help you through the legal process. Who knows, if you talk to enough of them, one may take your case for free. Good luck in your situation. Pammy

Aortus

That's not a man, that's a HUMAN SPHINCTER
Sorry to hear you have a human sphincter rattling around in your life now when you need it the least.

In a humane world, the judge would take one look at the brave mom working her way through treatment for metastatic BC and send Mr. Sphincter up the river for being a jerk. But sad to say, you will need to lawyer up. At least one of the sisters in pink here is a lawyer - not that kind of a lawyer, but she will likely have some good pointers on how to obtain good, free legal representation.

There are also threads on the Young Survivors board about women who have been in your situation. Just search http://www.youngsurvival.org/bulletin-board/ for keywords like divorce, ex, and various curse words which are no doubt popping into your mind all the time.

Good luck!
Joe

Marcia527

I think what your ex is
I think what your ex is doing is asking for everything so he can get as much as he can. You will need a lawyer who is willing to do the same for you. I'm not sure how to find one tho. Good luck.

rjjj

human sphnicter
i could use alot of words to describe your ex, but they would be censored so i'll go along with aortus. what a low life!!! you will be so much better off without him. I would contact the ACS about this and see what they can do to help you. I am so very sorry you have to go through this.

Yes you are on the right forum, please come here anytime and you will find comfort and support. Let us know how you are.
God Bless, Jackie

tasha_111

rjjj said:

human sphnicter
i could use alot of words to describe your ex, but they would be censored so i'll go along with aortus. what a low life!!! you will be so much better off without him. I would contact the ACS about this and see what they can do to help you. I am so very sorry you have to go through this.

Yes you are on the right forum, please come here anytime and you will find comfort and support. Let us know how you are.
God Bless, Jackie

Factum
I had to write a factum on a case very much like this, used research from cases here in Canada. All these cases were disability/spousal support.
Relevance of disability:

Bracklow v. Bracklow 1999 BC
Patrick v. Patrick 1993 Ont
Kloos v. Kloos 1996 20 RFL
Leonard v. Leonard 2002 Ont
Ashworth v. Ashworth Ont

These might be worth googling just for a quick outline and to give you some much needed ammunition against this Leech.

I wish you well.

Most Judges would not look very kindly on a spouse who abandoned his partner on diagnosis of a serious disease such as this.

Jxxxxxxxx

zahalene

It's common
My ex divorced me after my 3rd cancer dx over a span of 10 yrs. He also (via his lawyer) made ridiculous demands, even asking for a portion of my inheritance from my parents, which I did not have yet because they were still living!
It is just a way of muddying the waters when a lawyer thinks (or knows) he had a weak case.
I ended up with: Half our assets (house was ordered sold by the court), him having to continue to supply me with medical insurance AND pay whatever medical costs I had that were not covered by the policy (I had been a stay-at-home wife and mother for 28 years - was 48 with no job skills or work history - and disabled by the cancer and treatments), AND I got half of the retirement he had built up during the 28 years we were married. Also alimony and child support. Also got full custody of our minor child because ex was not being a good moral example for the 11 year old.
I can't promise that you will get the same justice I did, but if you can find a lawyer that will remain reasonable in what he asks for in your behalf and strong in protesting the ridiculous demands of the other side, your soon-to-be ex will come off looking like a prize idiot to the court. No judge smart enough to sit the bench is fooled by bullying.

Kristin N

zahalene said:

It's common
My ex divorced me after my 3rd cancer dx over a span of 10 yrs. He also (via his lawyer) made ridiculous demands, even asking for a portion of my inheritance from my parents, which I did not have yet because they were still living!
It is just a way of muddying the waters when a lawyer thinks (or knows) he had a weak case.
I ended up with: Half our assets (house was ordered sold by the court), him having to continue to supply me with medical insurance AND pay whatever medical costs I had that were not covered by the policy (I had been a stay-at-home wife and mother for 28 years - was 48 with no job skills or work history - and disabled by the cancer and treatments), AND I got half of the retirement he had built up during the 28 years we were married. Also alimony and child support. Also got full custody of our minor child because ex was not being a good moral example for the 11 year old.
I can't promise that you will get the same justice I did, but if you can find a lawyer that will remain reasonable in what he asks for in your behalf and strong in protesting the ridiculous demands of the other side, your soon-to-be ex will come off looking like a prize idiot to the court. No judge smart enough to sit the bench is fooled by bullying.

Good for you Zahlene! And,
Good for you Zahlene! And, her husband is just trying to scare her. Don't let that creep

fool you, he won't be entitled to all that much. Get a good attorney! Good luck!

Jeanne D

rjjj said:

human sphnicter
i could use alot of words to describe your ex, but they would be censored so i'll go along with aortus. what a low life!!! you will be so much better off without him. I would contact the ACS about this and see what they can do to help you. I am so very sorry you have to go through this.

Yes you are on the right forum, please come here anytime and you will find comfort and support. Let us know how you are.
God Bless, Jackie

So sorry
You have enough on your plate, you certainly don't need this. You should

do as the others have said and contact the ACS and have them help you. I am sure they can

put you in touch with a legal team that might help you for nothing. There are wonderful

people out there, you know! Good luck to you! And, take care of yourself! Jeanne

Alexis F

Kristin N said:

Good for you Zahlene! And,
Good for you Zahlene! And, her husband is just trying to scare her. Don't let that creep

fool you, he won't be entitled to all that much. Get a good attorney! Good luck!

I am so sorry that you were
I am so sorry that you were married to someone like that. Get a good attorney. He is just blowing smoke. There is no way he would even get anything like that in court. He is just scaring you, like most abusing losers do! Good luck!

taleena

I am so sorry you are going
I am so sorry you are going through this. Being a single mom is tough as it is.. (I was one for 12 years so I understand) add battling cancer makes it that more of a tough situation.. I can't imagine going through this without the never ending support of my husband. Your ex is a ... well... they won't let me say things like that.. so I'll just agree with Joe... Calling for free inital consultations is a good idea... so is looking up the cases that Tasha gave you.. I wish you the best of luck... and will keep you in my prayers... hang in there.

~T

Kat11

taleena said:

I am so sorry you are going
I am so sorry you are going through this. Being a single mom is tough as it is.. (I was one for 12 years so I understand) add battling cancer makes it that more of a tough situation.. I can't imagine going through this without the never ending support of my husband. Your ex is a ... well... they won't let me say things like that.. so I'll just agree with Joe... Calling for free inital consultations is a good idea... so is looking up the cases that Tasha gave you.. I wish you the best of luck... and will keep you in my prayers... hang in there.

~T

That's just terrible. You
That's just terrible. You need to check the laws in your state. What I have heard around here (Illinois ) The income is based on the here and now, so if your not working he is ---- out of luck. Also, a judge will consider your medical issue's. No they won't look at it that your dying so give it all up, that's BS. Gosh this just makes me so mad, and I have a good man thank God. You go for it girl.

brenda247

sorry to hear that!!!
im here for you if you wanna talk sometime.. we all are.. im going through a mixed up situation myself my crowd only cares about thereselves and it really frustrating on how they think this is nothing.. its all good though because i am never giving up for anything this is my life not theres and i have a wonderful person in my life that is there for me 100 percent and i see something wonderful at the end of the tunnel..my kids have made me whom i am and im not gonna let anything get in my way.. keep you head high and give him what he deserves.. good luck and take care... god bless!!!!

Alexis F

brenda247 said:

sorry to hear that!!!
im here for you if you wanna talk sometime.. we all are.. im going through a mixed up situation myself my crowd only cares about thereselves and it really frustrating on how they think this is nothing.. its all good though because i am never giving up for anything this is my life not theres and i have a wonderful person in my life that is there for me 100 percent and i see something wonderful at the end of the tunnel..my kids have made me whom i am and im not gonna let anything get in my way.. keep you head high and give him what he deserves.. good luck and take care... god bless!!!!

Have you contacted ACS yet?
Have you contacted ACS yet? I am sure they can help you.

jnl

So sorry to read this. You
So sorry to read this. You will be so much better off without that jerk. What have you found out? Did you talk to an attorney? Abusive men are the lowest! Please post and update us on how you are doing!

Linda M

jnl said:

So sorry to read this. You
So sorry to read this. You will be so much better off without that jerk. What have you found out? Did you talk to an attorney? Abusive men are the lowest! Please post and update us on how you are doing!

sphincter...
ditto on the caliber of this dude.
An attorney is what you need, and then if nothing else you can tell your ex and his sleazeball lawyer not to make any more direct contact with you, just with your lawyer.
That will be worth the price right there! the claims are ridiculous and designed to intimidate you before you even get into the fight. Don't beleive any of it.
Also, I have been living with metastatic disease for 7 years now, and I'm doing fine.
Any knowledgeable oncologist will tell you that the disease is not curable but it can be
managed for years with various medications, like any chronic condition.
You have my good wishes for strength to get through this.

--Linda

dmc_emmy

MiddBT-another possible resource
The American Disability Act should protect you under your present medical condition. If you are determined to be disabled, you state Disability Office would be an excellent resource for you and should be able to direct you to the proper sources for help.

I am so sorry that you have to face all of these legal challenges while battling cancer, too. When I was in the middle of a custody battle, and had a near fatal car accident, the courts put everything on hold until I was able to appear in court. The status prior to the accident remained intact until we were able to convene again.

I hope that the courts are fair to you and to your children. I simnply do not understand how people can be so cruel when, there was a time when it was a matter of love.

dmc

survivorbc09

dmc_emmy said:

MiddBT-another possible resource
The American Disability Act should protect you under your present medical condition. If you are determined to be disabled, you state Disability Office would be an excellent resource for you and should be able to direct you to the proper sources for help.

I am so sorry that you have to face all of these legal challenges while battling cancer, too. When I was in the middle of a custody battle, and had a near fatal car accident, the courts put everything on hold until I was able to appear in court. The status prior to the accident remained intact until we were able to convene again.

I hope that the courts are fair to you and to your children. I simnply do not understand how people can be so cruel when, there was a time when it was a matter of love.

dmc

It is hard to believe that
It is hard to believe that humans exist like your soon to be ex husband. I will never understand how a man can be abusive to a woman, verbally, sexually or physically.

I wish you the best of luck! Good luck!