The longest weekend of my life
I had an unusually long weekend which I am usualy praying for, but this time was different. I had to leave work early on friday to get the results from the biopsy, which you all know by now, was positive for cancer, that I kinda just went through the motions of ther day.
On Saturday my husband and I took my son to a kindrdgarten graduation party at this teachers house. I live in San Diego and his teacher lives in the out skirts, so she has horses, goats and a pool. It was fun for him, but I still had a hard time keeping my mind from wandering back to me. Unfortunatly he come down sick the same night, with a really high fever (104.1) so I spent this morning at the Urgent Care office and then the rest of the day home trying to make him comfortable.
I can't wait for tomorrow to come, I'm off from work again to go to my sons actual ghraduation ceremony, and then off to pick my x-ray flims. I also plan to stop by the doctors office to ask from my information about my biopsy. I need to know the type and size and what ever else thet can tell, just to det some piece of mind.
The wondering has given me a headache that I just can't shake. I read in someone's post that they were a control freak. Well you can add me to that list. I can't stand feeling helpless and most of all clueless a s to what happening with me. Whaqt worse is that when I first felt the lump on May 13th. I quit smoking and was doing great for 4 full weeks until I got my DX on Friday. I need some thing to keep me occupied. But no more excuses, I got new patched and I'm back on track as of tonight.
I usually dread going back to work on Monday's but this time I can't wait. I need to keep my mind busy. I guess I just came to rant and ramble. Thank you everyone for being there to let me. I've read alot of your posts and am feeling like I'm getting to know some of you.
Good night for now my the angels sleep with you all.
Aurora
Comments
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Aurora
Take care Aurora. Everyone is so different, but I found, for me,the best solution was to take one day at a time and deal with that. Sleep often does not come easy w/chemo..so when you are walking the floors...write some notes about what you want to ask you doctors. With a young one in the house, you need to start setting up some help for those days when you just want to nap.
I find this more of a nuisance than anything else and it will all be over soon. So many choices these days, that we are really lucky.
I think you might find that when your treatment has been decicded upon, you will settle into a routine and just concentrate on getting well.
Hugs from Maryland! Pat0 -
Worse part
Aurora,
To me, you are going through the absolute worse part of this whole ordeal: not knowing. Once you know everything, you can take control and plan your recovery. Do you feel like right now you are putting your life on hold because you do not know what is next? That's because that is the TRUTH! When you talk to your doctor, make sure he tells you the ER, PR, and Her(neu) status of your tumor. Get all the information you can. Ask what the options are being considered. Be careful of looking on the Internet for information. IT is best to stick to a site like cancer.org where the research is updated. Sometimes if you just google, you get information that is really out of date. (Dates aren't always given. I have the advantage of having a brother who directs cancer research at a university who gives me little hints like that.) When you know, you CAN be in control again. Cancer is beatable! It SHALL be conquered!0 -
Aruora,
Glad to see that you
Aruora,
Glad to see that you are posting. And, I hope your son is feeling better!
What you have said we have all experienced or are experiencing. I know this weekend was long for me, because I had a lumpectomy and lympth node biopsy and I'm still waint for those resuts. Waiting is like pulling toe nails for me!! I hate it.. you know that old saying "If you love something....set it free...etc"... well I have always been the type that comes back with, "If it doesn't come back, hunt it down and shoot it.." Patience is not my strong point. That is why you see me on here so often. To tell the truth it is almost like a life line for me. When I feel scared, I pick up my computer, when I have a question I pick up my computer, when I want to cry I pick up my computer, when I get angry I pick up my computer, when I need to smile or laugh I pick up my computer... You get the picture, my computer has been glued to my lap since I joined this site. I don't think I could make it through a day without it.
Hold this group close, and follow some of the advise you have received.. don't google breast cancer!!
Make sure you call your doctors office and have them fax you a copy of the pathology report. Once you have the information, though it is scary... you'll be able to arm yourself with information that will prepare you for your fight... and you won't fight alone... we are all here... and will be!
Wishing you a wonderful day filled with lots of reasons to smile!
~T0 -
We're with you
Aurora, We are all with you. I just went through what you are feeling now. I just had my first round of chemo last week, and I have 15 more to go. I'm counting them down. After that it will be a mastectomy. It will be a long road, but I'm on my way. I know you will do it also. Be positive with your attitude and you will get through it. You've come to the right place for help. This site is wonderful. I really enjoy the chat room also. God Bless and keep up the spirit. Diane0 -
Waiting is difficult, no doubt about it...
Unfortunately, it's a regular part of the journey. There is a certain amount of waiting between each step. Somehow, we all learn to cope with it. Which certainly doesn't mean that it gets any easier...
I'll be hoping for the best possible outcome for you.
Kind regards, Susan0 -
As Tom Petty has observedChristmas Girl said:Waiting is difficult, no doubt about it...
Unfortunately, it's a regular part of the journey. There is a certain amount of waiting between each step. Somehow, we all learn to cope with it. Which certainly doesn't mean that it gets any easier...
I'll be hoping for the best possible outcome for you.
Kind regards, Susan
The waiting is the hardest part.
Two weeks ago, my Moopy and I were sweating out the results for her post-chemo PET scan. All of the 200 miles back from St. Louis to Springfield, I was tensed up waiting for the cell phone to ring while poor little Moopster did her best to catch some sleep. A half hour after we got home, the nurse from Barnes-Jewish called to report Moopy's scan was completely clear. YAY!
We were too drained to do much about it that afternoon. But we did enjoy a nice steak dinner at Logan's Roadhouse that night. And just before the dinner arrived, this song came on:
The waiting is the hardest part
Every day you see one more card
You take it on faith, you take it to the heart
The waiting is the hardest part
On Thursday, Moopy will be 8 months out from diagnosis. It's been a long journey and it's still not completely over. But we do indeed take it on faith, and so should you, Aurora. The waiting is the hardest part, even harder than giving up cigarettes. But I have faith that you will come through!
Best,
Joe0 -
Aurora,,,
I too was where you are now until Taleena made a comment once (not to long ago, about a situation...Tanks Taleena!) that totally stuck in my head and practically CURED my waiting anxiety!! This may not work for everyone but I was amazed it did for me. The more I thought about it, the more I thought how true it was!
She said (This may or may not be an exact quote)....."what is the worse thing that they can tell me? That I have cancer? I already know that!!!".
Once I started thinking about it...it dawned on me that anything else they have to tell me is just details in my treatment. They have already told me the worst, now I just have to "WAIT" (there's that dreaded word!) on EACH step and result to follow.
So if they tell me the results in 5 days on Monday or in 8 days on Thursday...I will still have cancer. So if they tell me it's 1cm or 3cm.....I will still have cancer. So if they tell me my lymph nodes are involved or no lymph nodes involved....I will still have cancer. Anything past the initial "I'm sorry...You have Breast Cancer" is just telling me how I will fight it. It will not change the fact I have cancer or magically take it away.
We are all fighting our cancer no matter what form or details we are given. There will always be "waiting" because we will be more looked at and taken care then we ever have been in our life!!
This did not work for my husband (he is still where you are at) but he is in awe of how calm & relaxed I am over all the waiting. He just smiles back at me everytime I refuse (at his urging) to pick up the phone & call, ahead of the time they told me they would let me know. So as you can see, it does not work for everyone. I wish it did!!
I wish you the best of luck in finding peace with "waiting" on results (as I do for everyone!).
Also, I hope your son is feeling better. It always broke my heart whenever my kids were sick (I just wanted to take it all away). Keep posting, we'll be here for you......:) Pammy0 -
auroa
you poor thing....You fit here all too well. We all have played the waiting game and the what next, what do I do, I need to ask this or that? My suggestion is getting a journal and write away all those questions. My Onc. (rads & med) are both from India, so I have to count on Nurses to tell me in english what the heck is going on.
You are your own best advocate...
I hope your little one is feeling better...
Julie0 -
How are you doing?dyaneb123 said:Aurora
Once you meet with
Aurora
Once you meet with your surgeon you will know everything you need to do to prepare yourself for this journey, and things will start to move very fast. Hang in there chica.
Hi Aurora,
Did you get any news today? How are you doing? Whatever happens, remember we're all here for you.
Much love,
Debi0 -
Aurora, Pammy said it verybfbear said:How are you doing?
Hi Aurora,
Did you get any news today? How are you doing? Whatever happens, remember we're all here for you.
Much love,
Debi
Aurora, Pammy said it very well, Wait, then wait some more, then wait again. It is true that now things will move some what faster. Just remember there will still be waiting and we are all here to wait with you.0 -
Auroroa, so sorry for all ofKat11 said:Aurora, Pammy said it very
Aurora, Pammy said it very well, Wait, then wait some more, then wait again. It is true that now things will move some what faster. Just remember there will still be waiting and we are all here to wait with you.
Auroroa, so sorry for all of this. The waiting is horrible. That is why I didn't, nor, do I ever for something this important to me. I knew the pathology report is given to the doctor the very next day, usually early morning. So, I called and insisted on knowing what it said and would not take no for an answer. And, it worked. I couldn't stay calm. I had to know. And luckily, I found out the next day and had it emailed to me at my home. It took a mountain of stress off of me, which I needed. I admire the ones that have patience, I wish I had more. But, I never have, and, I probably never will now. lol I was dreading to hear that I might need chemo, and, was so relieved to know that I wouldn't. I wish you all the best! Please keep us posted! Hugs, Jeanne0 -
Aurora, I hope that you areJeanne D said:Auroroa, so sorry for all of
Auroroa, so sorry for all of this. The waiting is horrible. That is why I didn't, nor, do I ever for something this important to me. I knew the pathology report is given to the doctor the very next day, usually early morning. So, I called and insisted on knowing what it said and would not take no for an answer. And, it worked. I couldn't stay calm. I had to know. And luckily, I found out the next day and had it emailed to me at my home. It took a mountain of stress off of me, which I needed. I admire the ones that have patience, I wish I had more. But, I never have, and, I probably never will now. lol I was dreading to hear that I might need chemo, and, was so relieved to know that I wouldn't. I wish you all the best! Please keep us posted! Hugs, Jeanne
Aurora, I hope that you are feeling better now and not so upset. Please post and let us know how you are doing and if you have heard anything. Hugs, Kristin0 -
Once again Thank youKristin N said:Aurora, I hope that you are
Aurora, I hope that you are feeling better now and not so upset. Please post and let us know how you are doing and if you have heard anything. Hugs, Kristin
YOU GUYS ARE GREAT. My son was feeling better yesterday, and thank God, because he never stops talking and is a wonderful distraction. I also went to pick up my flims yesterday but hit a dead end, but I didn't give up, apparently you have to request them 24 hours before you get them. What ever, I went to the doctors office and was able to get the pathology report.
I really have no idea what most of it means, But like you Jeanne,I felt 100% better. And you know what Pammy whoever gave you that advice to pass on to me was genius, I started thinking about it you're right no matter what happens from here on out, No one can say anything worse to me than "you have cancer" it's all up hill from here. And if they have to take both my boobs to get me healhy again, who cares right? I don't use use them to see, to drive, to hear, to write, to hold my kids, or anything else for that matter, that I can't do with out. People lose arms, and legs, and they still go on, so who cares about a couple of boobs right?
Okay hears what the pathology report says, maybe you all can help my understand it:
Diagnosis:
Ivasive and in situ ductal carcinoma
Invasive component, moderately differentiated
In situ component, cribriform with intermediate grade nuclei
Comment:
Estrogen and progesterone receptors will proformed. (I assume they mean "will be proformed" )
The block will be sent to an outside laboratory for HER/neu evaluation.
Specimen:
4:00 Solid nodule.
Pre-Operative Diagnosis/ History:
Irregular nodule; probability of malignancy high
Gross Description:
Received in formalin are multiple tubule fragments of light tan soft tissue measuring between 1.1 cm in length and 0.2 cm in length, and all averaging approxiamently 0.1 cm in diameter. TE1C DE/mm.
(does this mean that I have several lumps?0
Microscopic Desscription:
Sections show several cores which are involved with invasive carcinoma. The invasive carinoma has an intermediate nuclear grade,. no tubular formation and low mitotic activity. There is a small focus of in situ carcinoma. No lymphovascular or perineular invasion as identified. De/Po.
Okay you guys I'm counting on you, what does all this mean? I've stayed away from the internet as suggested. And am absolutly lost.
Hey just kidding, no pressure. I go to the surgeon tomorrow and I'm sure he'll explain it all to me. I feeling strangely Ok right now. Maybe it's because my son's better, or maybe because I have the path now, maybe it's because I ready to fight now, no matter what.
I think alot of it has to do with all the wonderful suggestions and advice I've gotten here.
Once again Thank you./
Aurora0 -
Aurora!aurora2009 said:Once again Thank you
YOU GUYS ARE GREAT. My son was feeling better yesterday, and thank God, because he never stops talking and is a wonderful distraction. I also went to pick up my flims yesterday but hit a dead end, but I didn't give up, apparently you have to request them 24 hours before you get them. What ever, I went to the doctors office and was able to get the pathology report.
I really have no idea what most of it means, But like you Jeanne,I felt 100% better. And you know what Pammy whoever gave you that advice to pass on to me was genius, I started thinking about it you're right no matter what happens from here on out, No one can say anything worse to me than "you have cancer" it's all up hill from here. And if they have to take both my boobs to get me healhy again, who cares right? I don't use use them to see, to drive, to hear, to write, to hold my kids, or anything else for that matter, that I can't do with out. People lose arms, and legs, and they still go on, so who cares about a couple of boobs right?
Okay hears what the pathology report says, maybe you all can help my understand it:
Diagnosis:
Ivasive and in situ ductal carcinoma
Invasive component, moderately differentiated
In situ component, cribriform with intermediate grade nuclei
Comment:
Estrogen and progesterone receptors will proformed. (I assume they mean "will be proformed" )
The block will be sent to an outside laboratory for HER/neu evaluation.
Specimen:
4:00 Solid nodule.
Pre-Operative Diagnosis/ History:
Irregular nodule; probability of malignancy high
Gross Description:
Received in formalin are multiple tubule fragments of light tan soft tissue measuring between 1.1 cm in length and 0.2 cm in length, and all averaging approxiamently 0.1 cm in diameter. TE1C DE/mm.
(does this mean that I have several lumps?0
Microscopic Desscription:
Sections show several cores which are involved with invasive carcinoma. The invasive carinoma has an intermediate nuclear grade,. no tubular formation and low mitotic activity. There is a small focus of in situ carcinoma. No lymphovascular or perineular invasion as identified. De/Po.
Okay you guys I'm counting on you, what does all this mean? I've stayed away from the internet as suggested. And am absolutly lost.
Hey just kidding, no pressure. I go to the surgeon tomorrow and I'm sure he'll explain it all to me. I feeling strangely Ok right now. Maybe it's because my son's better, or maybe because I have the path now, maybe it's because I ready to fight now, no matter what.
I think alot of it has to do with all the wonderful suggestions and advice I've gotten here.
Once again Thank you./
Aurora
So good to hear from you and so relieved to know that you found out some of the results of your pathology report. Aurora, since you are seeing your doctor tomorrow, I am not going to even try to explain some of your report to you, as that is his job. lol So, just go see him tomorrow, and, come back and let us know how you are. ok? Glad that your son is better and glad that you are feeling better! Hugs, Jeanne0 -
So glad that you found out!Jeanne D said:Aurora!
So good to hear from you and so relieved to know that you found out some of the results of your pathology report. Aurora, since you are seeing your doctor tomorrow, I am not going to even try to explain some of your report to you, as that is his job. lol So, just go see him tomorrow, and, come back and let us know how you are. ok? Glad that your son is better and glad that you are feeling better! Hugs, Jeanne
So glad that you found out! You needed to! Let us know what your doctors says tomorrow please! This needs bumped up as it is important!0
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