The Strength and Wisdom of a Survivor

blueroses

No matter where you are in the cancer journey as a patient - you are a survivor. You have survived diagnosis in the very beginning - perhaps deep worry even before that at having experienced unusual symptoms but you survived them all. On to the next steps, one by one.

You wonder and fear and worry and cry and then do them all over again but you survive them too. Times get hard with treatments, and perhaps new diagnosis, and so it goes, on and on. We think we have lost all of our strength but then, from out of nowhere we get strength and wisdom shoots through us like we have never felt before. Where does that come from? Some may get religious about the answer and others may take another approach but no one can deny that sooner or later it happens to us all as survivors - that great burst of strength and wisdom, and oftentimes when we are feeling our worst.

I am in a struggle right now with a diagnosis that I hope is nothing but could be horrendous. I'm fighting for early diagnosis and seems as if that is near impossible but out of the blue comes that strength, again. Being a 20 year survivor oh NHL I had this happen before, several times, and all when I was at my weakest either physically or emotionally or both. Where does that charge of electricity - that strength - come from that enables us to fight for our very lives when we are at our lowest?

Just thought this subject was worth discussion. It's just good to know that when we are feeling negative or just plain down, it's good to know that that burst of energy and strength and wisdom is all there in the background - ready to descend upon you when you need it the most - even though you might feel unable to handle one more thing.

Blessings, Blueroses.

green50

I know what you mean
I get better after finishing chemo then I can fight again. This time is hard. I cry easy but try ever so hard to keep my positive attitude. I am going for a trial drug but have been being drained, doing it myself with brother's help, twice a day dehydrated and sodium low. So got to get sodium up before going to trial drug. Tomorrow I will be tested for sodium. In the mean time, I havent had a chemo that worked in 6 months and my Ovarian Ca125 is off the wall. Tumors on last cat scan end of April, dont seem to have grown much but waiting I feel is not helping. I need chemo, never thought I'd say that desperately. HOpefully they will set up appointment to get trial and chemo started. Praying the sodium is up. Anyway my day to be little down I guess, but I am trying to gather up the strength. A magnetic MRI, cat scan, urine test, EKG, blood test is what they have to do then chemo. I hope my body can handle it. I am weak, low blood pressure. Of course steriods and one of the drugs raises blood pressure so maybe.... I get thru this I will be dancing by Christmas. Want to Join me in dancing Bluerose? lol Well dont know how long I will stand but will try. Got to look at the beautiful day here of sunshine and quit worrying. Thats enough hope all is well and your test come out good.
Prayers and Hugs
Sandy

lindaprocopio

Inner strength that comes from deep in the gut.
I used to watch my son when he was just a little boy, as he stood on pitcher's mound, with a full count already facing him. Just a small boy of 8 or 10 years old, but amidst all the jeers from the opposing team, when the whole game was riding on what he would do next, I'd watch him reach down deep inside himself and BEAR DOWN. Time and again, as I agonized from the sidelines at all the pressure focused on my baby, I'd see him reach deep into his gut and throw that fast clean un-hittable strike when he needed to.

That's what we cancer survivors are like. When the pressure is on and the stress is practically unbearable, we reach down deep and pull it out one more time. Time and again.

I posted a new photo here (hit refresh if you can't see it) that I took yesterday from my back porch swing. It's a photo of my rose trellis weighted down with heavy fragrant blooms, with my little bunny hutch and veggie garden off to the right, my pool and picnic shed in the background. Life is good, ladies, and I know how blessed I am, even with cancer. Life is worth reaching down into yourself to find your 'game face' and go at it one more time. Time and again. (((((BIG BIG HUGS!))))

shoppergal

Being strong
There were, and still are days that I feel like I just can't go on anymore.I'm NED but since chemo I have many side effects and there are days I just want to pull the covers over my head and not get out of bed. But I always manage to find my inner strengh and go on. I'm just not ready to give up, there are still things I want out of life. So on days that I feel like I can't go on, I just remember, you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have!

blueroses

green50 said:

I know what you mean
I get better after finishing chemo then I can fight again. This time is hard. I cry easy but try ever so hard to keep my positive attitude. I am going for a trial drug but have been being drained, doing it myself with brother's help, twice a day dehydrated and sodium low. So got to get sodium up before going to trial drug. Tomorrow I will be tested for sodium. In the mean time, I havent had a chemo that worked in 6 months and my Ovarian Ca125 is off the wall. Tumors on last cat scan end of April, dont seem to have grown much but waiting I feel is not helping. I need chemo, never thought I'd say that desperately. HOpefully they will set up appointment to get trial and chemo started. Praying the sodium is up. Anyway my day to be little down I guess, but I am trying to gather up the strength. A magnetic MRI, cat scan, urine test, EKG, blood test is what they have to do then chemo. I hope my body can handle it. I am weak, low blood pressure. Of course steriods and one of the drugs raises blood pressure so maybe.... I get thru this I will be dancing by Christmas. Want to Join me in dancing Bluerose? lol Well dont know how long I will stand but will try. Got to look at the beautiful day here of sunshine and quit worrying. Thats enough hope all is well and your test come out good.
Prayers and Hugs
Sandy

Hey Sandy
Your schedule of testing sounds like mine, heck they called and woke my up this morning at 8am with rapid fire instructions on another day long test that they want to do SUNDAY. Sheeesh can't even get a break from it all on the weekends.

I hear you when you went through all that was on your plate Sandy but that strength is there when you need it, you have had it before and it's there for you again. You can do it and so can I. Yup we will dance together at Christmas time, may be a little gimpy dance on my side of things but I will certainly give it a shot and you can too. Good luck with your testing and keep me posted. Hugs and lots of love, Blueroses.

blueroses

lindaprocopio said:

Inner strength that comes from deep in the gut.
I used to watch my son when he was just a little boy, as he stood on pitcher's mound, with a full count already facing him. Just a small boy of 8 or 10 years old, but amidst all the jeers from the opposing team, when the whole game was riding on what he would do next, I'd watch him reach down deep inside himself and BEAR DOWN. Time and again, as I agonized from the sidelines at all the pressure focused on my baby, I'd see him reach deep into his gut and throw that fast clean un-hittable strike when he needed to.

That's what we cancer survivors are like. When the pressure is on and the stress is practically unbearable, we reach down deep and pull it out one more time. Time and again.

I posted a new photo here (hit refresh if you can't see it) that I took yesterday from my back porch swing. It's a photo of my rose trellis weighted down with heavy fragrant blooms, with my little bunny hutch and veggie garden off to the right, my pool and picnic shed in the background. Life is good, ladies, and I know how blessed I am, even with cancer. Life is worth reaching down into yourself to find your 'game face' and go at it one more time. Time and again. (((((BIG BIG HUGS!))))

Yuppers Linda, for sure
That's exactly what I am talking about, that strength that rallies in survivors and others faced with all types of challenges, like your son.

By the way Linda, from the looks of your backyard, I'm coming to live with you. lol.
Blessings, Blueroses.

blueroses

shoppergal said:

Being strong
There were, and still are days that I feel like I just can't go on anymore.I'm NED but since chemo I have many side effects and there are days I just want to pull the covers over my head and not get out of bed. But I always manage to find my inner strengh and go on. I'm just not ready to give up, there are still things I want out of life. So on days that I feel like I can't go on, I just remember, you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have!

Good one Shoppergal
"you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have!" Yes, that's exactly when it kicks in - right when you seem to be up against a wall with few options if any. I find great relief in knowing that that strength and wisdom is there for us all when we are often at our weakest - it raises us up to fight another day. Thanks for your posting Shoppergal, well said. Blessings, Blueroses

tonybear

fighting spirit
i remeber thinking i had been through a lot in 54 years. what did i know about nothing. i can still remember one night at 1:00 a.m. in the hospital when i had dehydrated, my blood sugar was at 300, my wife asking me if i wanted to give up and die. i realized then it would be very easy to lay down, stop the drugs, stop the treatment, stop eatting and die. it seemed so easy to stop it all and get peace. the options for the blood sugar was a 3 hour IV and to flush my body out, or do as one nurse suggested. for every minute i walk the blood sugar drops one point. somewhere somehow i got up and started walking and walking and walking. for 3 hours i walked, out of of anger and frustration. when i finally got home a month and a half later my mom wanted to see me. i went to church with her that sunday night. the minister put up a picture of a house on the galvaston beach. it was the only house standing after a hurricane. he preached about still standing. when he finished i realized where my will to fight had come from. it was from that 80 yr old grey haired mother. i looked at her and ask her, you taught me to fight didn't you. she smiled and simply said yes.

blueroses

tonybear said:

fighting spirit
i remeber thinking i had been through a lot in 54 years. what did i know about nothing. i can still remember one night at 1:00 a.m. in the hospital when i had dehydrated, my blood sugar was at 300, my wife asking me if i wanted to give up and die. i realized then it would be very easy to lay down, stop the drugs, stop the treatment, stop eatting and die. it seemed so easy to stop it all and get peace. the options for the blood sugar was a 3 hour IV and to flush my body out, or do as one nurse suggested. for every minute i walk the blood sugar drops one point. somewhere somehow i got up and started walking and walking and walking. for 3 hours i walked, out of of anger and frustration. when i finally got home a month and a half later my mom wanted to see me. i went to church with her that sunday night. the minister put up a picture of a house on the galvaston beach. it was the only house standing after a hurricane. he preached about still standing. when he finished i realized where my will to fight had come from. it was from that 80 yr old grey haired mother. i looked at her and ask her, you taught me to fight didn't you. she smiled and simply said yes.

Hey Tonybear - GREAT STORY
Thanks for sharing your story. I loved it. You don't by any chance have a copy of that picture of the only house standing after the hurricane do you? I think that is a wonderful picture for all survivors to put on their fridge or wall somewhere as a testimony to the importance of fighting the fight and left still standing. You were blessed with a wise Mother, no doubt about it. She prepared you well. Love that story, thanks again for sharing.

Hope today finds you better than yesterday. Blessings always, Blueroses

tonybear

blueroses said:

Hey Tonybear - GREAT STORY
Thanks for sharing your story. I loved it. You don't by any chance have a copy of that picture of the only house standing after the hurricane do you? I think that is a wonderful picture for all survivors to put on their fridge or wall somewhere as a testimony to the importance of fighting the fight and left still standing. You were blessed with a wise Mother, no doubt about it. She prepared you well. Love that story, thanks again for sharing.

Hope today finds you better than yesterday. Blessings always, Blueroses

pic info
go to google. select images, then for the search put in "last house ike".
my prayer and best for you, tony

blueroses

tonybear said:

pic info
go to google. select images, then for the search put in "last house ike".
my prayer and best for you, tony

Thanks Tony
That is very inspirational - thanks. I think I will copy that pic and put it by my bathroom mirror for inspiration right now. Thanks again. Blessings, Blueroses

shoppergal

blueroses said:

Thanks Tony
That is very inspirational - thanks. I think I will copy that pic and put it by my bathroom mirror for inspiration right now. Thanks again. Blessings, Blueroses

Last House Standing
I just googled the picture of the last house standing, and it's an amazing picture. It really get you to wondering how after all that destruction only one house was left. That's what makes it inspirational, we never know how or why cetain things happen. I've always felt that things happen for a reason even though, sometimes we never get to know the reasons.

I never once asked why did I get cancer, or say why me. I know that there was a reason why, although I don't know the answer and might never know. What I do know, is that it has changed me as a person. It's made me appreciate things more, and it's made me more tolerant. So out of the bad there's always something good.

tonybear

shoppergal said:

Last House Standing
I just googled the picture of the last house standing, and it's an amazing picture. It really get you to wondering how after all that destruction only one house was left. That's what makes it inspirational, we never know how or why cetain things happen. I've always felt that things happen for a reason even though, sometimes we never get to know the reasons.

I never once asked why did I get cancer, or say why me. I know that there was a reason why, although I don't know the answer and might never know. What I do know, is that it has changed me as a person. It's made me appreciate things more, and it's made me more tolerant. So out of the bad there's always something good.

shoppergal
you have spoken truth and have done so with dignity and grace.
for all the damage cancer has done, somethings can never be destroyed. it has only made them stand out more clearly.
tony

blueroses

shoppergal said:

Last House Standing
I just googled the picture of the last house standing, and it's an amazing picture. It really get you to wondering how after all that destruction only one house was left. That's what makes it inspirational, we never know how or why cetain things happen. I've always felt that things happen for a reason even though, sometimes we never get to know the reasons.

I never once asked why did I get cancer, or say why me. I know that there was a reason why, although I don't know the answer and might never know. What I do know, is that it has changed me as a person. It's made me appreciate things more, and it's made me more tolerant. So out of the bad there's always something good.

So true shoppergal
What can I say to your post except 'There's that strength and wisdom of a survivor' that I was talking about. You have them both in spades kiddo. Thanks for the inspirational post. Blessings, Blueroses

JH32

shoppergal said:

Being strong
There were, and still are days that I feel like I just can't go on anymore.I'm NED but since chemo I have many side effects and there are days I just want to pull the covers over my head and not get out of bed. But I always manage to find my inner strengh and go on. I'm just not ready to give up, there are still things I want out of life. So on days that I feel like I can't go on, I just remember, you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have!

strength
Wow. I usually spend 45 minutes in the shower trying to get my strength/emotions up enough to just walk out the front door to go to work. I am one year into recovery and your statement is my new mantra- 'you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have'. A little too long to have tatooed on my forehead so I'll just post it on the refrigerator (and my shower wall). Thanks for the help- Jim

catcon49

blueroses said:

So true shoppergal
What can I say to your post except 'There's that strength and wisdom of a survivor' that I was talking about. You have them both in spades kiddo. Thanks for the inspirational post. Blessings, Blueroses

It's hard somedays.
It's hard somedays. especially the last few. I don't know what sets me off, the crying,and feeling sorry for myself. I don't know what I want people to say. But I don't want them to not say anything. I just wish someone would sit down and really talk with me about my cancer. And then all of a sudden it goes away and I am brave again.

bluerose

catcon49 said:

It's hard somedays.
It's hard somedays. especially the last few. I don't know what sets me off, the crying,and feeling sorry for myself. I don't know what I want people to say. But I don't want them to not say anything. I just wish someone would sit down and really talk with me about my cancer. And then all of a sudden it goes away and I am brave again.

We can all identify with how you feel Catcon
I know what you are saying. This journey with cancer puts you through the full gamet of emotions and over and over again. I don't know anything about your particular situation with cancer, how long from diagnosis and all, but I know that for me when I really needed to talk it all out I found a good professional - a psychologist who dealt with cancer patients and survivors. She really helped me through the rough spots and by getting a professional you were sure of getting correct info as well - geared to your specific requirements.

This site is great though for getting things off your chest, as you have probably already found so don't hesitate to post your own questions or things you are thinking about = we have all been there and we surely can help you too. We all know that our emotions oftentimes just sneak up on us out of nowhere and then all of a sudden they quiet down - who knows what sets them off. Blessings, Bluerose

tonybear

bluerose said:

We can all identify with how you feel Catcon
I know what you are saying. This journey with cancer puts you through the full gamet of emotions and over and over again. I don't know anything about your particular situation with cancer, how long from diagnosis and all, but I know that for me when I really needed to talk it all out I found a good professional - a psychologist who dealt with cancer patients and survivors. She really helped me through the rough spots and by getting a professional you were sure of getting correct info as well - geared to your specific requirements.

This site is great though for getting things off your chest, as you have probably already found so don't hesitate to post your own questions or things you are thinking about = we have all been there and we surely can help you too. We all know that our emotions oftentimes just sneak up on us out of nowhere and then all of a sudden they quiet down - who knows what sets them off. Blessings, Bluerose

catcon
those emotions are like the waves of an ocean, high tide, low tide, calm and rough. i was blessed that the hospital i have gives on going pysc help. i have spent a lot of phone time with the pschologist. when i go for check ups the wife and i schedual a few sessions. he has helped me to make plans for those emotional times. to make plans ahead of time of what to do when i feel it coming on. perhaps the worst was a few weeks ago right before my 9 month check up. i hadn't been feeling good and i was right on that edge and even went over a few times. i managed to put the preplans into action, i did miss a few times because of the pressure. i was so emotional it was very hard to deal with the thought of what might be wrong, again. when i met with him again i came to a realization. i can put things of life into catagories and deal with them as seperate issues. the kids, the bills, the job ect ect. as i sat in his office i had a picture come into my mind about cancer. it is like a rain storm hitting your yard sale. everything is hit and all is effected by it. we can't put cancer in the time out corner, nor take the phone away, ignore it or take a vacation from it. it has changed our lives but we can't let it become our lives. of the best things i've found to deal with it is, laughter, christian music, fishing, and learning to stand and never run from it. there are a few reasons for my emotional swings, but mostly i am learning to cope and adjust to the unknown. i love life and try to get a lot out of it. not the job or accomplishments, but the love of fiends and family. fight the fight, laugh as much as you can and love all you can. tony

zjrosenthal

9 months out
Well here I am 9 months post treatment, exactly 1yr past diagnosis. All reports to this point have been good but I got thrown for a loop while driving yesterday. I had a sudden change in my vision while driving and thought "Oh no may be having a stroke!" Called my eye doc who diagnosed an ocular migraine and recommended given my history a Cat scan. I have been handling this cancer thing pretty well but this really thru me. I am feeling scared and weepy and have little support from family. I do have a great counselor I see once a week and I see my radiation oncologist this Monday for a checkup. I think I am only beginning to process the fact that I've had cancer with all the accompanying emotions. I am so grateful to be alive but find myself having little tolerance for day to day nonsense that others find so important. Am I nuts or just a normal cancer surivor?

bluerose

zjrosenthal said:

9 months out
Well here I am 9 months post treatment, exactly 1yr past diagnosis. All reports to this point have been good but I got thrown for a loop while driving yesterday. I had a sudden change in my vision while driving and thought "Oh no may be having a stroke!" Called my eye doc who diagnosed an ocular migraine and recommended given my history a Cat scan. I have been handling this cancer thing pretty well but this really thru me. I am feeling scared and weepy and have little support from family. I do have a great counselor I see once a week and I see my radiation oncologist this Monday for a checkup. I think I am only beginning to process the fact that I've had cancer with all the accompanying emotions. I am so grateful to be alive but find myself having little tolerance for day to day nonsense that others find so important. Am I nuts or just a normal cancer surivor?

Oh so normal Zjrosenthal
I went through similar times in the beginning and now with a new symptom showing up that is under investigation as I write this. Many of us, after hearing the diagnosis, go into survival mode and get on with treatments which keep us busy and sick for some time so there is often no time to think about the big picture of what we are facing. Everyone takes it differently of course but I did the same thing - just pushed on after diagnosis and then about a year later it hit me that I had been diagnosed with cancer. I had two small children at home at the time too so I had no time to think between throwing up from chemo and changing diapers.

I am so glad to hear you have a counsellor though - that will help you a great deal as well as this site where you will find tremendous support. We all get caught up in being 'brave' but let's face it there are times you just want to grumble and all on here understand that. Oftentimes friends and famiy don't understand that symptoms from treatment and diagnosis alone can produce many emotional and physical problems long after treatments are done - they think 'oh well she is over the treatments so she should be back to normal'. Um, not so much for many of us.

You are completely normal so not to worry, just keep those appts with the counsellor so that she/he is up to date with how you are feeling, just in case you stray into the depression zone or get stuck in one of the other phases of dealing with grief like anger or why me.

You mentioned that you have little tolerance for the little things that you used to worry about or others worry about and that makes sense because you have faced death and now actually do know what is most important in life no doubt. However we still have to live with those who haven't walked gotten to that point yet perhaps so tolerance is the key word there I suppose. Your counsellor can help you with that I am sure. All the feelings
you describe will no doubt come and go over the years but hopefully over time they will not be as disturbing.

Hope you have a great week and that you are feeling better today. Blessings, Bluerose

bluerose

tonybear said:

catcon
those emotions are like the waves of an ocean, high tide, low tide, calm and rough. i was blessed that the hospital i have gives on going pysc help. i have spent a lot of phone time with the pschologist. when i go for check ups the wife and i schedual a few sessions. he has helped me to make plans for those emotional times. to make plans ahead of time of what to do when i feel it coming on. perhaps the worst was a few weeks ago right before my 9 month check up. i hadn't been feeling good and i was right on that edge and even went over a few times. i managed to put the preplans into action, i did miss a few times because of the pressure. i was so emotional it was very hard to deal with the thought of what might be wrong, again. when i met with him again i came to a realization. i can put things of life into catagories and deal with them as seperate issues. the kids, the bills, the job ect ect. as i sat in his office i had a picture come into my mind about cancer. it is like a rain storm hitting your yard sale. everything is hit and all is effected by it. we can't put cancer in the time out corner, nor take the phone away, ignore it or take a vacation from it. it has changed our lives but we can't let it become our lives. of the best things i've found to deal with it is, laughter, christian music, fishing, and learning to stand and never run from it. there are a few reasons for my emotional swings, but mostly i am learning to cope and adjust to the unknown. i love life and try to get a lot out of it. not the job or accomplishments, but the love of fiends and family. fight the fight, laugh as much as you can and love all you can. tony

tonybear - you got it, in spades
What a great post on how to get through the ebbs and flows of the cancer journey. How wonderful that your hospital recognizes the need for psychological help in the process of recovery - sure wish they all did.

Great posting tonybear, I am sure this will help alot of people - including me. Thanks

Blessings, Bluerose